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tv   CNN Newsroom  CNN  April 30, 2012 1:00am-2:00am PDT

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patience is essential. five, we have the ability and the responsibility to choose whether our actions follow a virtuous path or not. six, with inner strength or mental stability, we can enjoy all kinds of adversity. seven, love, compassion and concern for others are real sources of happiness. admit it. you feel better already. that's all for us tonight. deadly accident. an suv falls 60 feet. no one survives. it happened on a stretch of road with a history of problems. >> about 30 seconds. >> in the line of fire. >> sudanese warplanes are streaking in and we have just seconds to find cover. >> an incredible firefight caught on tape. a little humor. >> i had a lot more material prepared, but i have to get the secret service home in time for their new curfew.
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>> oh, yes, he went there. so did comedian jimmy kimmel. the best of their barbs and what you need to know for the week ahead right here, right now on cnn. hello, everyone. i'm don lemon. thank you so much for joining us this evening. tonight, trauma in the middle of a sunday drive. an suv flies off the road in new york city and lands 60 feet below into the bronx zoo. seven people are dead, and as our susan candiotti reports, three of them were children. susan. >> reporter: it was a beautiful sunday afternoon and then something went terribly wrong. police say they are still investigating what caused a woman driving an suv to suddenly lose control of that vehicle and go sailing over an overpass and down about 60 feet. here's what police have pieced together so far. a woman driving the suv, 45 years old along, with another woman, an elderly couple and three children inside ages 5, 15 and 3 all of them wearing seat
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belts driving down the highway. for some reason, according to eyewitnesses, the woman lost control of that suv, hit a concrete barrier in the middle of the highway, made a hard right turn apparently losing control, crossing three lanes of traffic going in the same direction. she hit a curb and then another barrier, a fence and went sailing over the overpass going out about 60 feet and then about 60 feet down. the suv flipped over and crushed everyone inside. authorities say they don't know what caused the accident at this time. they are looking into several possibilities. and investigators at the scene say it's one of the most horrific things they've seen. susan candiotti reporting in the bronx, new york. >> all right, susan, thank you very much. we just got an update from police on this crash. they now say that the children's ages were actually 3, 7 and 10 years old. and it just so happens that this stretch of road is the site of another deadly accident.
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back in 2006, six people were killed in almost the exact same spot. cnn radio steve kastenbaum says state examiners have inspected this road before. >> back in 2010 this bridge was one of several in new york state that were termed -- determined to be functionally obsolete and and not structurally -- the structural integrity of the bridge was called into question but when we look deeper into the meaning of that, what that definition means, it doesn't mean that the bridges are necessarily unsafe but it means they don't meet today's standard, contemporary standards. so these bridges, in other words, needed to be brought up to date to meet today's safety standards. and this particular portion of the bronx river parkway, this bridge that this vehicle went off of today, it was declared in 2010 to be functionally obsolete. >> as of two years ago, federal statistics showed that about 25% of new york state highway bridges were classified as
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functionally obsolete. it was on a sunday just like this one almost one year ago the country learned that the most wanted man in the world was dead. the news broke during this very show that u.s. forces had killed osama bin laden in pakistan. i want to bring in cnn's john king, he's the host of "jk usa." john, what do you know? >> don, cnn has been told by several sources now that the president of the united states will announce in moments that the united states has the body of osama bin laden, that osama bin laden has been killed and that the united states is convinced that it has the body of osama bin laden, the mastermind of 9/11, the architect of al qaeda. >> so i asked retired general spider marks if we're more secure one year later. >> well, we are safer, absolutely, don, but i think it's important -- we've heard a lot of analytics on this that it's not a time for high-fives and upon the execution of that
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mission by the s.e.a.l.s last year, nobody took -- nobody took a breather and said this is wonderful and did victory laps. it is one of the great american tragedies, the assassination of robert f. kennedy. but now there is a new account of what happened that night in 1968. as you know, sirhan sirhan was sentenced to life as the lone shooter, but his attorneys are hoping for a new trial now. among the evidence they may present is a story told by nina rhodes-hughes, that's her on the left with robert f. kennedy. she was there at the ambassador hotel the night kennedy was shot and in an exclusive interview with cnn, she says there's part of the story the fbi has ignored all these years. >> there were more than eight shots. and interesting that you read whatever the fbi issued, everybody said eight shots, not. i wish there were some recordings of me that night where i know i did give an interview to someone with a microphone where i said there were at least 12, maybe 14, and
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i know there was because i heard the rhythm in my head. you know? and i know the first two or three shots, i wasn't aware, as i said. i thought they were flashbulbs. what has to come out there was another shooter to my right and robert kennedy was also to my right where sirhan sirhan was almost straight ahead and a tad to my left standing on some steel raised platform. and that there were two shooters. that must come out and who they were. it must come out who the other shooter is because there definitely was another shooter. >> rhodes-hughes was never called as a witness in the original trial, but she says she just wants to get her story out. 20 years ago tonight, a jury verdict in southern california triggered some of the worst riots this country has ever seen. three of four white police officers charged with the rodney king beating were acquitted. the jury deadlocked on the fourth. los angeles erupted in violence
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almost immediately. before it ended, 54 people would be dead, and damage would total nearly a billion dollars. i had the chance to talk with rodney king, and he took me back to the exact spot of the beating 20 years ago. hear his memories of that day just a little bit later on in this broadcast, but first we need a little levity, don't you think? take a listen to this. >> i had a lot more material prepared, but i have to get the secret service home in time for their new curfew. >> yes, the president went there and more on the best of the barbs from the white house correspondents' dinner next. active naturals wheat formulas restore strength for up to 90% less breakage in three washes. for strong, healthy hair with life, new aveeno nourish+ strengthen.
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mr. president, you remember -- remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? that was hilarious. >> the president went zinger for zinger with comedian jimmy kimmel last night at the white house correspondents' dinner, and he wasn't afraid to go there. >> what's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? a pit bull is delicious. of course, i know everybody is predicting a nasty election, and thankfully we've all agreed that families are off-limits. dogs, however, are apparently fair game. >> i want to bring in now cnn contributor will cain and mr. l.z granderson, contributor at and a senior writer at espn. okay. that was good. wasn't it funny? did you guys like it? >> it was funny. it was funny. >> great. >> i thought he was great. >> l.z., were you surprised that the president joked about eating
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dogs. >> no, of course, not. i mean, you know, it's pretty much his stage so if you know people are whispering about it and it's political fodder, the best way to get ahold of it was to beat it head on. i thought he was brilliant, absolutely hilarious. i don't know who wrote the jokes but they need their own show. >> i wrote that joke. then there was a much different ending. if he had just flipped that, it still would have been funny if he said something else, you know, the hockey mom and pit bull still would have been a funny joke. there was a moment later with host jimmy kimmel. take a listen. >> keith olbermann burned more bridges than the arsonist of madison county. he has more pink slips than marcus bachmann. too soon? too soon? if you're not familiar with marcus bachmann, he plays cameron on the show "modern family." stand up. where are you, marcus?
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>> oh, there he is. >> okay, now i have a question for you guys. okay? >> that -- >> that was just wrong. >> wow. >> that was wrong. >> has more pink slips than marcus -- oh. >> okay, good. >> go ahead. >> let me ask you a question. let me be the host and ask you guys a question. i'm genuinely curious here, if, as the joke suggests, marcus bachmann is gay, but he hasn't come to grips with himself, now i'm asking two guys who have been through this process, i'm honestly curious, why is it okay to make fun of him then? is it just because of his politics or he is a public figure. >> oh, will, stop it. stop it, will. >> i'm serious. >> i'll let you have this. >> stop it. first of all -- >> look at this video, first of all. ♪ >> no, no, no, you don't have to convince me of anything. i'm just asking why it's okay. >> listen, before l.z. answers, i'm just going to say this. i'm assuming that he was flamboyant. i just thought it was a very funny joke.
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i didn't analyze it as much as you have, will, but anyhow, go on, l.z. >> you know what, don and i have been friends for years but i wasn't around don when he was a teenager so i don't know if he tried to convert gay people or not, but it just seems funny that when you are having flamboyant mannerisms and your livelihood is to convert gay men to be straight, it's just funny, man. i don't even care what his politics happen to be, it's sort of a funny thing with the two images. that's all. >> i thought it was a funny joke. >> okay. anyway, did we satisfy your curiosity, by the way, since you're so curious? >> yeah, yeah, i mean there's no doubt it's a funny joke but there's a lot of funny jokes in the world. so i just wonder why it was okay. but it's a decent answer but i was curious, genuinely. >> all right. >> well, he certainly made the race interesting for awhile but newt gingrich is getting out.
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a source close to him says gingrich will officially end his presidential bid on wednesday instead of tuesday as previously reported and for awhile he was a front-runner but only went on to win two primaries, south carolina and georgia. now for a space discovery that i'm pretty sure gingrich would like -- no, it's not a moon colony, but it's pretty close. the story behind this mysterious thing right next to the sun. see there on the bottom left of your screen, that story coming up a little later. [ female announcer ] neutrogena® makeup remover erases 99% of your most stubborn makeup with one towelette. can your makeup remover do that? [ female announcer ] neutrogena® makeup remover.
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sudanese warplanes are streaking in, and we have just seconds to find cover.
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>> down. get down. >> splitting sudan was supposed to end decades of civil war. instead it's just drawn a line in the sand between two sides. remarkable images are coming out of south sudan showing a camera crew running for cover as gunfire comes from above. the president of sudan has declared a state of emergency for cities along the border between the two rivals. our exclusive report now from etv's robyn criel. >> reporter: we've been promised a story. this is close to the front line of the border clashes with the north. and the south sudanese commander here is willing to talk. but another story is about to break around us. >> run, run. >> run. >> run, run. come, come down. >> reporter: it's coming, these soldiers shout.
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>> come, come, come. >> reporter: sudanese warplanes are streaking in, and we have just seconds to find cover. [ gunfire ] >> reporter: we find a small trench, try to make ourselves invisible as at least half a dozen bombs drop around us. we wait for the sound of the planes to fade, then we make our escape. >> get in.
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>> the helicopter. >> get in. get in. get in. >> reporter: we were just three kilometers from the front line when we heard incoming fire from what the soldiers say were gunships and migs. we were then forced to take cover, and once the firing -- once there was a lull in the firing, we decided to head out in our vehicle because it was simply too dangerous, and we didn't know what to expect. >> etv's robyn criel reporting. the war in afghanistan isn't the only one for american troops. they're also lending a helping hand in africa with the hunt for joseph kony. if that name rings a bell to you, it's probably because of this viral video, the kony 2012 media campaign that called for bringing the notorious warlord to justice. cnn was embedded with special forces help to train african forces searching for kony. there are about 100 across the region. their help could be the difference in this fight. one trainer spoke with cnn and we aren't allowed to tell you his name, but his views on kony are very clear.
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>> kony is definitely still a threat. he's been on the run. he's on the decline and in survival mode, but he is still dangerous, and he's going to be dangerous until the lra are eliminated. >> white house officials admit and african leaders agree capturing kony won't be easy. the parents of a dying infant are making sure their daughter has her first kiss and a trip to college before it is too late. their bucket list has inspired thousands. their story is next.
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chrysler is starting 2012 on a strong note. the car company is posting quarterly profits of nearly $500 million. the biggest margin in 13 years. the u.s. automaker has had huge growth since it received federal bailout money in 2009. gm is expected to report first quarter earnings later this week. if you're looking to buy a new home, now may be the time. home prices are at the lowest they've been in almost ten years. nine housing markets including atlanta, chicago and new york are getting new lows. and you may soon feel better about eating a bacon, egg and cheese croissan'wich from burger king. the fast food giant made a deal with the humane society to switch to eggs from not caged chickens, and to deal with pork not raised in cages by the year 2017. wendy's and mcdonald's already has that agreement. that's this week's "getting down to business." i'm felicia taylor.
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i tell you what i can spend. i do my best to make it work. i'm back on the road safely. and i saved you money on brakes. that's personal pricing. let's take a look ahead at the big stories from the white house to wall street, our correspondents tell you what you need to know. we begin with president obama's plans for the week. >> i'm brianna keilar at the white house. on monday president obama addresses a very powerful construction union, the building and construction trades department. then welcomes prime minister noda of japan to the white house. tuesday and wednesday he has a light schedule with meetings,
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then he and the first lady host a cinco de mayo celebration and ends with more meetings at the white house. i'm poppy harlow in new york. well, another packed week on wall street coming up. we'll get the latest manufacturing reading as well as auto sales and then on friday we'll get that much anticipated april jobs report. that comes out before the opening bell. and on the earnings front, we'll get results from oil giant bp, also pharmaceutical company pfizer along with visa and general motors and a host of other companies and see how the market responds to all of it and track it for you on cnn money. i'm "showbiz tonight's" a.j hammer, here's what we're watching this week. "showbiz tonight" goes inside octomom's home. are her children in danger? plus "jersey shore" star j-woww joins me to talk about all a brand-new reality spin-off with snooki. i have to ask her what is it like to live with a pregnant snooki. catch "showbiz tonight" exclusively weeknights at 11:00 p.m. eastern and pacific on hln. here are your headlines right now. seven people including three children have died in a horrific crash in new york. their suv flipped over a guardrail and plunged 60 feet to the ground. it landed upside down in an area
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of the bronx zoo that is closed to the public. police say all victims were wearing their seat belts. in 2006, six people died on the same stretch of road. the fire marshal is looking into the tent collapse in st. louis yesterday that killed 1 person and injured 16 others. some seriously. it happened as baseball fans gathered at a local bar just as a storm blew through. manufacturing guidelines say the tent should have withstood the storm's estimated 50-mile-an-hour gusts. the coast guard has called off a search for a missing sailor. a yacht with a crew of four was racing from newport beach, california, to ensenada, mexico. according to race organizers, it likely collided with a much bigger vessel near the coronado islands. early saturday morning. the three other crewmen died. searchers found those bodies and some debris. >> get down. >> journalists in south sudan survived a firefight when the
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troops they were with came under fire from sudanese helicopter gunships and fighter jets. the president of sudan has declared a state of emergency for cities near the south. the fate of egypt's prime minister is up in the air. the head of the ruling military council told state media that he'll shake up the cabinet. but he didn't say whether the current prime minister will keep his job. parliament's decision is to suspend its session forced the changes. a presidential election is only a few weeks away. the news was heartbreaking. it would devastate any of us, but a couple in texas is using it as inspiration. although their daughter is dying, they say they want to use the little time they have left to build memories. kevin reese of cnn affiliate khou has their touching story. ♪ >> reporter: at a home in bel air, everything was right with
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the world. her parents named her avery. >> avery. >> reporter: she arrived perfect and with a smile. but just a few months old, her legs went limp. something was wrong. >> i just started screaming and just -- it just doesn't seem real. >> reporter: what was real was spinal muscular atrophy, a rare genetic disorder. the legs first, avery's use of her arms will be next. then the ability to breathe. at best doctors give her 18 months. so what do you do with that little time? ♪ >> reporter: you dance. >> you like that? >> reporter: mike and laura canahuati took avery's story online, created her own blog. >> the reality is that this disease will take my life. >> reporter: and offered her own bucket list. the moments, the memories they
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want her to have before she's gone. >> avery, you silly girl, look. mike always told me we've got all the time in the world to cry. we can cry, you know, when she's no longer here but for now we want to try and enjoy the time we do have with her and just make memories. >> reporter: memories like her first easter. her first trip to college. her first innocent kiss. her first little girl tea party with her mom. >> oh, yummy. >> reporter: all of this online for a reason. >> we can watch her die or we can let her live and through letting her live, we're going to try and educate other people about this so that they don't have to go through it too. >> reporter: sma is a genetic disorder. there is no cure and very little research. the parents can get tested to find out if they are carriers if it's something they could pass to a child. >> it's very aggravating that no one knows about this. >> i refuse to think that my daughter will die in vain. >> reporter: so mike and laura promise to chronicle every
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moment in a very short life so that we remember avery, remember a disease that needs more research and remember how they spent each day. >> we didn't sit there and cry that day. we sat there and we made memories with our daughter. ♪ >> and lots of them. ♪ >> reporter: memories they will keep alive hoping someday they lead to a cure. kevin reese, khou, 11 news. >> the man who endured one of the most infamous beatings ever caught on tape says he is lucky to be alive. >> blood is just gushing down the street. i felt death. you know, death wasn't far away. >> i had the chance to talk with rodney king. our conversation is straight ahead. and what if twitter had been around for the l.a. riots that followed rodney king's beating. well, here is what it would look like. take a look at this. it is the l.a. riots in realtime on twitter, and it has been going strong all evening. we'll tell you about it next.
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thanks to the proliferation of smartphones, we have grown used to seeing stunning views of clips large and small. but arguably one video started it all and helped to trigger some of this country's worst rioting. i had a chance to talk to the man at the center of this storm 20 years ago this weekend. rodney king. [ chanting ] [ sirens ] >> reporter: a city in flames. entire neighborhoods burned to the ground. now, two decades later, what's it like to be the man whose
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beating, seen round the world, ignited one of the worst race riots in u.s. history? do you still have nightmares? >> yeah. yeah, i do. >> what's a nightmare? do you wake up like tossing and turning? >> sometimes even hearing the voices, you know, that was going on that night. get down, get down, get down, you f'ing [ expletive ]. those words. i'll have to wake up and -- all right, man, it's all right. look outside. it's all green and blue. >> reporter: king's nightmare begins just after midnight. he and two friends out celebrating head west on the 210 freeway. >> i had just gotten word that my old construction company had called me to come back to work that following monday. >> reporter: but the celebration is cut short. state police caught king's car
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going 110 miles per hour. and immediately start a nearly eight-mile high-speed chase through l.a. neighborhoods. [ sirens ] >> i was doing 100. i did every bit of 100, and i'm not proud of it. >> reporter: following our interview, rodney king agrees to relive those terrifying moments by taking me back to the scene. >> coming down the 210. >> reporter: as we retrace his steps, we discuss those split-second decisions. >> i exit here on paxton. [ sirens ] >> reporter: where did you pull over? >> i seen all those apartments over there, so i said, man, i'll stop right here. if it goes down, somebody will see it. >> reporter: once he stops, they are surrounded by police. king's two friends are arrested without incident, but rodney king would have a much different fate.
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>> when i opened the door, she said take three steps back away from the car. when i took the three steps back, they said lay down. when they said lay down, i laid down like this and my face was facing this way so i could see them. they said put your f'ing head down. when i finally went face down, bam, i took the blow, bam. a real hard blow to the temple. when he did that, i just looked and i went up like this and ran this way with my hands up to show no threat. and that's when i didn't know if my leg was broke. >> so suppose twitter had been around for the l.a. riots that followed king's beatings, here's what it would have looked like. check this out, realtime l.a. riots. it's a twitter feed that live tweets and re-enacts the l.a. riots. it is run by nbc l.a. and some of the tweets say, crowd smashing windows starting fires in downtown l.a. off-duty officers report to
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duties, ordered by the lapd. it's interesting. it's an interesting twitter feed to follow. you know that pain in your brain that you get from drinking something that's really cold or even eating something cold like a tasty popsicle? now researchers say they know why you get a brain freeze. that mystery solved next here on cnn.
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it is time now for sunday
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night mysteries with jacqui jeras. and we have a partial space theme going on. and we're starting with aliens spotted near the sun. what up with that? >> at least that's the buzz on the internet. all the ufo enthusiasts are excited about this one. take a look at the picture and we'll tell you more about it. first of all, we'll just say there have been a lot of images, right, in the last couple of months because the sun has been really, really active. and we've had things on this program telling you about the cmes and the solar flares. but take a look in the lower left-hand part of that image. do you see kind of that -- there it is, that long, skinny-looking object in the bottom of the picture? >> yeah. >> yeah, that's what some people are saying is possibly a ufo so this image was captured on april 24th. it was captured by nasa so this is not a fake or, you know, doctored up picture. it was taken with a solar camera, but is it really a ufo?
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the naval research lab says, no. >> we know it's a "u," unidentified. >> it's unidentified but they're saying what's causing this has to do with cosmic rays and it affects the sensor on the camera and creates that little glitch basically in the image and they're saying this has happened before. >> like a flare or reflection or something. >> it makes a dropout basically. >> so mystery solved. >> mystery solved. >> the next one is a lot of billionaires wanting to become trillionaires because they want to start -- is that mining asteroids? how do you mine asteroids? >> well, they haven't been able to do it yet but it's something that they're looking to do potentially in the future and this is no joke. you know, we're talking about people like james cameron, all right, director of "the titanic." the guy who just did that big deep sea dive. ross perot jr. all throwing money at this thing. the company is called planetary resources, and they want to extract precious metals and waters from asteroids that are located very near the earth. they're saying gold, platinum could potentially be in these
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things. so obviously there could be a lot of money made. >> all right, awesome. so, listen, i just had this happen to me because i just had a snow cone for the first time this season the other day. and i had a brain freeze. now they know what causes it. i know what causes it, cold stuff. >> right, but what causes the pain in your brain. right? why does that happen? >> cold stuff. >> there was a study. researchers were trying to figure out what happened with migraines. so they had people take a drink of ice cold water, put the straw at the roof of your mouth, and it turns out that there's a rush of blood that goes into the center part of your brain. it's right behind where your eyes are, and they're saying that that rush of blood expands this artery and causes pressure and makes your brain hurt. >> that's a big brain. >> it is a big brain. >> did you steal dr. gupta's brain? >> i did. don't tell him. there's the artery right there. the problem is they didn't tell us how you get rid of the brain freeze.
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>> dr. gupta -- whoops, i just dropped my thing. i'll send your brain back. thank you, jacqui. sunday night mysteries. now, listen to this. >> i had a lot more material prepared, but i have to get the secret service home in time for their new curfew. >> the best of the president's stand-up zingers from the white house correspondents' dinner next, and later the same from comedian, the host, jimmy kimmel. na® makeup remover erases 99% of your most stubborn makeup with one towelette. can your makeup remover do that? [ female announcer ] neutrogena® makeup remover.
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i had that same operation when i was young and it felt so good i wanted to have it done again belief i was too old. >> president reagan poking fun
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at himself in 1987 at the white house correspondents dinner. the annual dinner gives presidents a rare chance to find their inner stand-up comedian. president barack obama stepped into the role like a roastmaster with the one-liners ready. >> my name is barack obama. my mother was born in kansas. my father was born in kenya, and i was born, of course, in hawaii. [ applause ] >> four years ago i was a washington outsider. four years later, i'm at this dinner. four years ago i looked like this. today i look like this. and four years from now, i will look like this.
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[ applause ] >> that's not even funny. [ laughter ] >> anyway, it's great to be here this evening in the vast, magnificent hilton ballroom or what mitt romney would call a little fixer-upper. [ applause ] >> i mean look at this party. we got men in tuxes, women in gowns, fine wine, first class entertainment. i was just relieved to learn this was not a gsa conference. [ applause ] unbelievable, not even the mind reader knew what they were thinking.
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now, i know at this point many of you are expecting me to go after my likely opponent, newt gingrich. [ laughter ] newt, there's still time, man. but i'm not going to do that. i'm not going to attack any of the republican candidates. take mitt romney -- he and i actually have a lot in common. we both think of our wives as our better halves, and polls show to an alarmingly insulting extent the american people agree. we also both have degrees from harvard. i have one. he has two. what a snob. still, i guess governor romney
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is feeling pretty good about things because he took a few hours off the other day to see "the hunger games." some of you have seen it. it's a movie about people who court wealthy sponsors and then brutally savage each other until only one contestant is left standing. i'm sure this was a really great change of pace for him. i have not seen "the hunger games." not enough class warfare for me. now, if i do win a second term as president, let me just say something to all the -- [ applause ] -- let me just say something to all my conspiracy-oriented friends on the right who think i'm planning to unleash some secret agenda. you're absolutely right. so allow me to close with a
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quick preview of the secret agenda you can expect in a second obama administration. in my first term i sang al green. in my second term i'm going with young jeezy. michelle said, yeah. i sing that to her sometimes. [ laughter ] in my first term we ended the war in iraq. in my second term i will win the war on christmas. [ laughter ] in my first term we repealed the policy known as don't ask, don't tell. in -- [ applause ] wait, though, in my second term we will replace it with a policy known as it's raining men. [ laughter ]
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in my first term we passed health care reform. in my second term i guess i'll pass it again. >> and next the best of jimmy kimmel. >> you know, there's a term for guys like president obama, probably not two terms but -- [ laughter ] there is.
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i don't want to be in the military. i just couldn't do that. if i did, the one job i could do would be the guy to greet the president when you get off the helicopter. that's it. you know what i'm saying. i mean you get some tv time, you know. ooh, look here. mr. president. that's it for me. i'm going to have some lunch. [ laughter ] >> you're not leaving any time soon, are you? all right. you want me to get the dog. okay, i'll get the dog. >> that was cedric the entertainer at the white house correspondents' dinner in 2005. you know it's got to be one of the toughest gigs in show business following the president at the white house correspondents' dinner, but host jimmy kimmel had his one-liners loaded and ready to fire.
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>> mr. president, salaam. [ laughter ] mr. president, i know you won't be able to laugh at any of my jokes about the secret service, so cover your ears if that's physically possible. [ laughter ] >> i do have a lot of jokes about the secret service. you know i told them for $800 i wouldn't tell them, but they only offered 30, so -- [ laughter ] >> i'm happy to see congress is taking this very seriously. david vitter even went so far as to fly down to colombia to investigate this personally. mr. president, you remember when the country rallied around you in the hopes of a better tomorrow? that was hilarious. it's kind of hard to be funny with the president of the united states sitting right next to you, yet somehow day in and day out joe biden manages to do it. you know, the real reason people
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thought you were from kenya had nothing to do with your birth certificate. it's because you lost so much weight, we thought you were the guy who won the boston marathon. this is how you know this country is in bad shape. our president is starving. north korea is sending him food aid. every election year cnn comes up with new and increasingly amazing technology. they have the magic wall this year. they had the hologram four years ago and yet with all their technical wizardry, they still haven't figured out a way to make james carville look less like a hairless, boiled cat. fox news is the grumpy old man of cable -- loud, stubborn, a little bit out of touch with reality, just had a mole removed. is the fox mole here, by the way? i'd like to take a moment to salute the fox mole. were it not for his brave sacrifice, the world may never have known that the bathrooms at fox were overdue for renovation. leaking two videos and getting caught right away doesn't make you a mole.
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it makes you a freckle. as a result of the success fox news has had, msnbc has moved a bit to the left of hugo chavez lately. last week we learned that the president's two favorite steaks are rib-eye and seeing eye. you know you don't have to reveal everything in an autobiography, right? i mean, you can leave some things out. when you go to a dog park, is it the same as when we look at a tank full of lobsters? what a collection of people. here in one room we have members of the media, politicians, corporate executives, advertisers, lobbyists and celebrities. everything that is wrong with america is here in this room tonight. [ applause ] >> unfortunately, the speaker of the house, john boehner, isn't. apparently yours aren't the only dinner invitations he declines, mrs. obama. don't take it personally, though. he's probably just afraid someone will ask him to pass the salt and he won't have the votes. eric cantor couldn't be here tonight. he's at the gym working out his
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gavel arm. this boehner/cantor feud fascinates me. as most of you know it started during the debt ceiling negotiations when they couldn't agreed on the wording of the ransom note, and it went downhill from there. interesting fact about speaker boehner, the reason he smokes so many cigarettes is his tears keep putting them out. [ laughter ] i talked to a guy who was a huge supporter of obama care and a guy who says it's a disaster that should be killed immediately. and it was interesting because i had never met mitt romney before. some people say mitt romney won't be elected president because he's mormon, and i think that's ignorant. this country is more open-minded than that. we elected an african-american president. we would absolutely elect a mormon president, just not mitt romney. stevie wonder just said "we elected an african-american president?" we heard eric fernstrom compare his campaign to a etch a sketch. when i think mitt romney, i don't think etch a sketch, i think twister.
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one foot on red, the other on blue and both hands on green. the man has trouble connecting with regular people. you can't have a beer with him because he doesn't drink. you can't have a cup of coffee with him because he can't have caffeine. you can't play monopoly with him because he keeps trying to put the dog on the car. but if you're a republican, you know, there isn't much of a choice. rick santorum is out. i guess it just wasn't rick's year. rick's year is 1954. [ laughter ] you know, it's one thing to oppose gay marriage. it's another altogether to do it in a sweater vest. [ applause ] >> but in the end, rick santorum may not have won the nomination but he succeeded in getting his message out, not just to americans but to people all aflat the world. ron paul is still in there. he's still sticking with it. to me ron paul looks like the