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tv   White House Correspondents Dinner  CNN  April 28, 2013 12:00am-2:00am PDT

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today boston is back in business. and adrian, the dancer we introduced you to, is getting better. we plan to keep in touch with her during her recovery. she'll have some challenges ahead, no doubt about it. not the least of which making good on her promise to teach me how to dance. i'm anderson cooper.
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>> great, i got to get warmed you. i totally had had that, seriously, guys, what am i doing here? i'm the president of the united states and opening for jimmy kimmel? >> briana keeler, do you know what inspires the president for these moments, for these events? >> well, a lot of what inspires the president is the staffers. what they do at the white house is the speech writers, put out an all call, to people you may
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not think are funny people. i have been told that david axelrod is one of the people who is their go-to for getting good jokes from. so they get jokes from him, and really it is the staffer -- don, tonight, this is president obama's chance to get even. and keep this in mind, no one is safe. at the white house correspondent dinner, everybody is fair game, even the president's cabinet. >> four years later, she won't stop texting me. >> political foes better watch out. in 2009, he took this jab at house minority leader, john boehner. >> after all, we have this in common. he is a person of color. although not a color that appears in the natural world.
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>> even pop stars make good targets. >> the jonas brothers are here. >> they're out there somewhere, sasha and malia are huge fans, but boys, don't get any ideas. i have two words for you, predator drones. you will never see it coming, you think i'm joking. >> but just how far with a president go? john favro was a speech writer. >> there are a lot of jokes that sound cheesy, because they're like typical politician jokes so we're trying to get somewhere in between with the jokes we write. >> it is generally safe for a president to take aim at himself. >> the state of hawaii released my official long form birth certificate.
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tonight, for the first time i am releasing my official birth video. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> we came up with that. it had been right around the covehe birth certificate when it was flown in, and trump was making all of those crazy accusations. >> in preparation for the dinner, there is an all-call for jokes at the white house. >> the speech writers at the white house reach out to the most funny people we know outside the white house. and we ask eveone for jokes and try to come up with jokes ourselves. usually we just sit in the oval with him and he reads the jokes out loud. as he does that, he puts in edits, throws in lines and comes up with a joke himself. >> in the election year, this podium can be a political weapon. >> it is nice to be here in the
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vast hilton ballroom. or what mitt romney would call a little fixer-upper. >> world events often intersect with the president's jokes, take this one. >> tim pawlenty, he seems all american, but if you heard his real middle name, tim hosney pawlenty, what a shame. >> he was initially going to same tim hosni, but he changed his mind. >> he said they're great jokes, like them all. there is one line i would change, osama bin laden has been played out, we don't need to talk about him. >> played out, he was about to become big news. >> osama bin laden is dead. >> i have no idea why, until i
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found out the general the president was talking to, he was giving the orders to give the go ahead on the operation to pursue osama bin laden. >> interesting. >> so you see, the news dictates the tone, we expect that to happen tonight about two weeks after the boston bombings. president obama will acknowledge that, and will say of course, the families they have our condolences. and i think you will see him perhaps stay away from certain things ins jokes. and ultimately, though, i think we're going to have some really good laughs, too. because even ahead of when he was going after osama bin laden we saw some p funny jokes, and it is a chance, the celebrities and politicians, they believe it is a chance to have good jokes. >> it is even more telling, the >> as he said, the funniest ones
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they can't even say. >> stay tuned, last year it was jimmy kimmel's turn, some said it was going too far, that is next. >> you know, president obama wanted to move dinner to the kennedy center, but the republicans wanted to keep it at the hilton, so they compromised. and here we are at the hilton. and do you know your... blood type? a or b positive?? have you eaten today? i had some lebanese food for lunch. i love the lebanese. i... i'm not sure. enough of the formalities... lets get started shall we? jimmy how happy are folks who save hundreds of dollars switching to geico? happier than dracula volunteering at a blood drive. we have cookies... get happy. get geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more.
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>> welcome back everyone, to our live coverage of the white house correspondent center. we're going to take you live. briana keeler is there. michelle, you caught up with her. what is the back story there? >> yeah, she was nervous and excited at the same time. she got this wonderful letter from the first lady, personally inviting her to the dinner tonight. that is because she was supposed
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to be there a couple of weeks and had had to host the mtv movie awards. don' you feel like you would s? never get invited again? she said yes, but she was invited. >> michelle obama sent me a personal letter, inviting me, i'm quite excited about it. >> what did it say? >> it said - because i was supposed to go to something at the white house a couple of weeks ago and couldn't do it because i was doing the mtv movie awards. she said i hope to see you this month. sent her a picture of the whole family at the white house, and she really appreciated that. >> i said what do you expect to see tonight? she said her boss, conan o'brien, she works with him, he will be ceremonies, she was really excited to work with him. she said i'm not sure he is going to go there.
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because you can't really say have things -- >> i said, well, remember wanda sykes, sas als there. but i also caught up with the agenda, michael j. fox has been on the hunt for a cure for parkinson's disease, and is working on that. he said he would look at keeping the fight. listen to what he said. >> we cleared past it, the things that have not been done before. we're doing gene therapy, to re-grow cells in the brain. and we're finding ways to measure parkinson's progress before its existence, so we can do research early on. i mean, a lot of breakthroughs that are kind of behind the
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scene-scene, you have to do in order to take the next step. >> and again, this was michael j. fox's first timet the white housrespondent dinner, you would think since he has been in the industry for so long, you would feel like he had been here a time before. but no, very surprising. >> glad you said alex keyton, i loved him in "the good wife," he did well with that, too. >> we should see him back on the screen really soon. >> okay, lots to talk about, jimmy kimmel was the correspondent at last year's white house dinner. it is always a difficult task when you make fun of the president who is sitting so close to you. and as weaitor conan o'brien, let's listen to jimmy's performance. >> if you had said i would be sitting next to the president of
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the united states, barack obama, i would have said the president's name is barack obama? mr. president, remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? that was hilarious, that was your best one yet. but honestly, it is a thrill me to beere with the president. a man who i think has done his best to guide us through some very difficult times and paid a heavy price for it. there is a term for guys like president obama, probably not two terms, but -- there is. even some of your fellow democrats think you're a push-over, mr. president, they would like to see you stick to your guns. and if you don't have any guns they would like to see you ask eric holder to get some for you. jake tapper wrote that. it is kind of hard to be funny with the president of the united states looking at you, right
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and yet, day in and day out joe biden m to do it. i wish he was here. i wish he was here so he could sit behind me and fake clap like he does during the state-of-the-union address. are you enjoying this? is this fun for you? this is the first meal he had in months, they say that diplomacy is carrots and sticks. i felt weird not eating dessert, this is how you know this country is in bad shape. our president is starving. north korea is sending him food aid. >> very funny. so conan o'brien performed at this year's dinner in 1995. a lot of those jokes are still pretty funny. we'll dig up that tape next. >> i wasn't aware that this is true, i hear, when you attend a
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function with the president the secret service puts you through an ekgrod check. yeah. it is a little embarrassing, actually, it turns out technically i'm still a virgin. but --
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li keqi . >> this is cnn. ah, welcome back everyone, there is the crowd inside the washington hilton. this is cnn's special coverage of the white house correspondent's dinner. i want to bring in our resident white house correspondent, briana keeler, what is going on? you guys are there inside. >> it is interesting here, we have heard celebrities say how is this different from other
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events, from hollywood events, and they say the security here is significantly advanced compared to before. >> and he found that out. >> he sure did, just a moment behind us. >> yes, i think he was trying to go another way -- >> who was it? >> matthew perry, of "friends" fame. >> and he got intercepted and was told very nicely, curtly, you can't go that way, but he went the right way, security was very tight, it was cute, funny. >> so it is not just hollywood, you're talking about matthew perry. and you're talking about kevin ware? >> we're so glad to have him, and don, we were able to interview a number of people but for me personally i will tell you this was the highlight for
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you. 20-year-old louisville sophomore is a basketball phenomenon. but really became a bit of a basketball icon whe he just had a very tragic break of his leg, against duke. so i talked to him about what was ahead for him, what was he am whoas a big basketball nt fan. >> kevin ware, how are you feeling? >> great, this is definitely a privilege, i appreciate it. >> what everyone wants to know having watchedr rrle injury during the elite 8, they want to know how you're feeling? >> good, i am putting pressure on it every day, and six months for sure, i'll be back playing next season, this is just a wake-up call for me, god wanted me to slow down and little bit.
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and that is all. i am fine. >> you have amazing perspective, you're here tonight, this is normally the nexus of hollywood and washington. you're sort of bringing the basketball, which i imagine president obama is pretty happy about basketball. what do you think. >> like i said, it is definitely a privilege, i'm just really happy to be here. >> are you going to let that down that he picked indiana over you? >> i have to tell him. >> so you're going to give him flak now? >> yes, definitely, and when we come visit the white house. >> you will have a couple of visits here. do you think it will be an interesting experience, being he with all the different characters? >> definitely, these people, i've seen in movies and government. so seeing these people here and meeting great people is really a privilege. >> so he is going to give the president a piece of his mind, don't you love it? >> i absolutely love it. that takes guts, because i think
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most would just say hello, mr. president, but he will do it. >> and louisville will come to the white house, because they won the championship. >> absolutely, and briana, there are a lot of celebrities, there is a lot of pop culture representatives here, as well. >> here we go. to meet the duck dynasty, and ed here is what he told us about being a first-timer at the white house correspondent's dinner. >> and i love that you party on top, and business at the bottom. >> yeah, i kind of mix and match, put together things that fit, and whatever didn't we just scrambled last minute, and we're here. this is very humbling to be here, and watch it on tv, to be able to be here, just crazy. i'm just here mostly for the food, that is what i'm looking
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for first. >> and the jokes? >> it is my first time here. i'm just here to listen and learn and see what this is all about. >> i did, i asked him if you have a sort of political agenda you want to talk to people about? he said heck no, i am just here for the food, i am just going to hang out tonight and have a good time. and i talked because their season finale of duck dynasty gathered 9 million viewers. he said it is just because we're regular people and we're funny and they are. but i think like me, there were a lot of people excited to see willie. >> i think so too. you know how we joke about the old mullet, it was not even just business in the front. it was party. >> party all over, just like tonight. exactly. >> you guys are hilarious.
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listen, it is getting close, guys, the president will speak soon. we'll bring his remarks to you live. bu fi let's not leave president bush out of the fun. he had memorable one-liners while he was in the white house. >> i want to talk about serious issues such as -- >> okay. here is comes. nuclear proliferation. nuclear proliferation. nuclear proliferation. nukear proliferation.
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>> our special coverage happening right now, you're looking inside the ballroom at the washington hilton, and only
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a handful of people were invited to this. but we have your ticket to the most exclusive ballroom, again, this is cnn's coverage of the special event. i'm don lemon, joining me are my buddies, michelle turner and also briana keeler are standing by. team cocoa is standing by, conan o'brien rocked the house. but first it is not just comedians that bring the laughs. presidents and first ladies are part of the fun too. >> and so the city slicker asked the old guy how to get to the nearest town -- >> not that old joke, not again. i've been attending these dinners for years. and just quietly sitting there. well, i've got a few things i want to say for a change.
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george always says he is delighted to come to these press dinners. baloney. he is usually in bed by now. i'm not kidding. i said to him the other day, george, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you're going to have to stay up later. but george and i are complete opposites. i am quiet, he is talkative, i'm introverted, he is extroverted, i can pronounce nuclear. >> i love condoleezza, there are two people, you know, the name is broken down, there is
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o'connconnie, the person you see with the nice hair and the professional -- then there is delisa, the one with her hair wrapped up, watching b. e. t. with her girlfriend, at the end of the day, you know, freedom is what we all want. delisa will come out saying north korea saying what? okay, all right, all right, hold my purse, mr. president, hold my purse. >> as you know, i always look forward to these dinners. it's just a bunch of media types. hollywood liberals, democrats
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like joe biden. how come i can't have dinner with the 36% of the people who like me? >> if i want to talk about some serious issues -- such as -- >> okay. here it comes. nuclear proliferation, nuclear proliferation. nuclear proliferation. nukear proliferation. >> sing a little song, all about the throng in washington, tell a little joke, and we'll poke a lot of fun at washington. >> i used to be tough, i'm not tough anymore, of course. i live in los angeles. i'm all lactose intolerant, and into the kabballa, i travel the
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world adopting babies and solve international crisis with my celebrity. stop war. the beautiful infidel is right, let us put down our weapons, what were we thinking? let us moisturize and text each other. >> the first black president -- i know you're biracial, but the first black president. you're proud to be able to say that. the first black president. well, that is unless you screw up. and then it is going to be what is up with the half white guy, huh? >> the first lady, beautiful as always, looks very nice. and how dare you people give her grief about baring her arms? the country is broke, all right? sleeves cost money. but you do need to -- keep your
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arms to yourself sometimes, you know, yeah. when you went over to london touching the queen. you can't do that. you over there patting the queen on the back like she just slid into home plate. way to go queen. >> as some of you heard, the state of hawaii released my official long-form birth certificate. but just in case there are any lingering questions, tonight i am prepared to go a step further. tonight, for the first time, i am releasing my official birth video. let's take a look. >> these are my birth
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certificate jokes, so thank you for the timing on that mr. president. now unusable. we were working on these jokes for months, one of my guys says are we a little heavy on birth certificate jokes, what if he would release it before the dinner? and i was like why would he do that? >> i want to thank my tenth grade high school teacher who said i would never amount to anything if i kept screwing around in class. mr. mills, i'm about to high five the president of the united states. eat it, mills, thank you everybody. >> very did stuff, you know, president obama going to take to the podium very soon in washington, and a chance to have some fun at the expense of his political opponents, coming up, some of mr. obama's best moments from last year's dinner as our special coverage continues. don't go anywhere. >> much has changed during my time in office. four years ago i was locked in a
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well, he must have been a hit back in 1995, because conan o'brien is headlining the white house correspondent for a second time. although he was a boyish -- look at him, a 32-year-old when he first performed there 18 years ago. well, he will take the stage again soon. so let's hear some of his routine with then president bill clinton looking on. >> i was not aware, this is true i hear, when you attend a function with the president. the secret service puts you through an extensive background check. you know, it is a little embarrassing, actually. turns out technically i'm still a virgin. well, i went to the jefferson
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memorial and i was very inspired. because carved on the wall were some inspiring sayings, first one, i have sworn on the altar of god eternal hostility, and the code of man, whether acting singly or collectively. and way down at the bottom, it says p.s., if there is ever a movie about me please don't cast nick nolte. some say the president will have a tough race in '96. some saw it won't be easy, it will be an uphill struggle. well, i speak for the 30 and under generation. and mr. president, i want you to know you don't have to worry about us. because we don't vote. finally, i have an announcement
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for those of you watching tonight's event live on c-span. for god's sake, it is saturday night. >> the president, conan o'brien, getting ready to take the stage at the white house correspondent's dinner, live in washington. we'll have that for you, don't go anywhere, see you ladies on the other side of the break. >> okay. (screams) i'm really glad that girl stayed at home. vo: expedia helps 30 million travelers a month find what they're looking for. one traveler at a time. expedia. find yours.
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white house correspondent center, our special coverage happening right now. you're looking inside the ballroom at the washington hilton. only a handful of people were invited to this event. but we have your ticket to the most exclusive ballroom. again, exclusive coverage of the white house correspondent center. imes you need to double-check the temperature on the thermometer, be ready. for high fever, nothing works faster or lasts longer. be ready with children's motrin.
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>> this is cnn. >> welcome back everyone to our
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special coverage of the white house correspondent's dinner. let's get you there live, now, because brianna and michelle are back with you. brianna, you were working the dinner and gave michelle a run for her money, and caught up with the stars. >> that is right, i caught up with sophia vergara, she was seeing if conan was really funny, but also interested about what was going on in washington. especially being a latina, i talked to her about immigration reform. >> i think it was an interesting migh night, this year, when they invited me, of course to be part of an event where the president of the united states is going. it is very important. for me as an immigrant, i'm very honored to be here. and it is a lot of fun. last year, i loved jimmy kimmel,
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let's see how conan does tonight. >> is there anything in particular you are taking an interest in? >> oh, there are many things. >> if you see president obama what are you going to say to him? >> i am going to say, hello, mr. president. >> i love it. >> that is what's so funny. hello mr. president. so many of them said i don't know i'd say hi. we're used to seeing them -- >> she is drop dead gorgeous on like a -- like a sophia loren level, you know. >> definitely. that's a very good comparison. so many of i would say the male party goers here this evening who i interviewed were very jealous i interviewed her.
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all right, everyone, the president of the united states just introduced at the white house correspondent's dinner. we go there live.
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>> thank you. thank you, everybody. how do you like my new entrance music? rush limbaugh warned you about this, second term, baby. we're changing things around here a little bit. actually my advisers were a little worried about the new rap entrance music. they are a little more traditional. they suggested that i should start with some jokes at my own expense. just take myself down a peg. i was like, guys, after 4 1/2 years, how many pegs are there left? >> i want to thank the white
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house correspondents. ed, you're doing an outstanding job. we are grateful for the great work you've done. to all the dignitaries who are here, everybody on the dais i especially want to say thank you to ray order they're -- ordinaro and all our men and women in uniform every single day. and of course, our extraordinary first lady, michelle obama. everybody loves michelle. she's on the cover of "vogue," high poll numbers. but don't worry i recently got my own magazine cover.
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look, i get it. these days i look in the mirror and i have to admit, i'm not the strapping young muslim socialist that i used to be. time passes. you get a little gray. and yet, even after all this time i still make rookie mistakes. like i'm out in california we're at a fundraiser having a nice time. i happen to mention that pamela harris is the best-looking attorney general in the country. as you might imagine, i got trouble when i got back home. who knew eric holder was so sensitive?
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and then there's the easter egg roll. which is supposed to be just a nice fun event with the kids. i go out on the basketball court. took 22 shots, made 2 of them. that's right. two hits, 20 misses. the executives at nbc asked, what's your secret? so, yes, maybe i have lost a step. but some things are beyond my control. for example, this whole controversy about jay-z going to cuba. it's unbelievable. i've gotten 99 problems and now jay-z's one. that's another rap reference. don't.
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of course, everybody's got plenty of advice. maureen dowd said i could solve all my problems if i were just more like michael douglas in the american president. i know michael's here tonight. what's your secret, man? could it be that you're an actor in an eric -- aaron sorkin liberal fantasy? might that have something to do with it? i don't know. check in with me. maybe it's something else. anyway, i recognize that this job can take a toll on you. i understand second term you need a burst of new energy. try some new things. and then my team and i talked
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about it. we were willing to try anything. so we borrowed one of michelle's tricks. i thought this looked pretty good. but no bounce. anyway -- i want to give a shout out to our headliner, conan o'brien. i was just talking to ed, and i understand that when the correspondents association were considering conan for this gig they were faced with that age-old dilemma,
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do you offer it to him now or wait for five years and then give it to jimmy fallon? that was a little harsh. i love conan. and of course, the white house press corps is here. i know cnn has taken some knocks lately. but fact is i admire their commitment to cover all sides of the story. just in case one of them happens to be accurate. some of my former advisers have switched over to the dark side, for example david axelrod now works for msnbc. which is a nice change of pace since msnbc used to work for david axelrod.
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the history channel is not here. i guess they were embarrassed about the whole obama is a devil thing. of course, that never kept fox news from showing up. they actually thought the comparison was not fair -- to satan. but the problem is, is that the media landscape is changing so rapidly. you can't keep up with it. i mean i remember when buzz feed was just something i did in college around 2:00 a.m. it's true.
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recently, though, i found a new favorite source for political news. these guys are great. i think everybody here should check it out. they tell it like it is. it's called whitehouse.gov. i cannot get enough of it. fact is, i really do respect the press. i recognize that the press and i have different jobs to do. my job is to be president, your job is to keep me humble. frankly i think i'm doing my job better. part of the problem is, everybody is so cynical. i mean, we're constantly feeding cynicism, suspicion, conspiracies. you remember a few months ago my administration put out a photograph of me going skeat shooting at camp david? do you remember that?
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and quite a number of people insisted that this had been photoshopped. but tonight i have something to confess. you were right. guys, can we show them the actual photo? we were just trying to tone it down a little bit. that was an awesome day. there are other new players in the media landscape as well, like superpacs. did you know that sheldon adelson spent $100 million of his own money last year on negative ads? you've got to really dislike me to spend that kind of money. i mean, that's oprah money.
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you could buy an island and call it nobama for that kind of ney. sheldon would have been better off offering me $100 million to drop out of the race. i probably wouldn't have taken it, but i'd have thought about it. michelle would have taken it. you think i'm joking. i know republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012. but one thing they all agree on is they need to do a better job reaching out to minorities. and look, call me self-centered. but i can think of one minority
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they could start with. hello. i mean, think of me as a trial run, you know? see how it goes. if they won't come to me, i will come to them. recently i had dinner. it's been well-publicized i had dinner with a number of the republican senators. and i'll admit it wasn't easy. i proposed a toast. it dieded in committed in comm . of course, even after i've done all this, some folks still don't think i spend enough time with congress. why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell, they asked? really?
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why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell? i'm sorry. i get frustrated sometimes. i am not giving up. in fact, i'm taking my charm offensive on the road. a texas barbecue with ted cruz. kentucky bluegrass concert with rand paul. and a book burning with michele bachmann. my charm offensive has helped me learn some interesting things about what's going on in congress.
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it turns out absolutely nothing. but the point of my charm offensive is simple. we need to make progress on some important issues. take the sequester. republicans fell in love with this thing. and now they can't stop talking about how much they hate it. it's like we're trapped in a taylor swift album. one senator who has reached across the aisle recently is marco rubio. but i don't know about 2016. the guy has not even finished a single term in the senate and he thinks he's ready to be president. kids these days. i, on the other hand, have run my last campaign. on thursday, as ed mentioned, i
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went to the opening of the bush presidential library in dallas. it was a wonderful event. and that inspired me to get started on my own legacy, which will actually begin by building another edifice right next to the bush library. can we show that, please? i'm also hard at work on plans for the obama library. and some have suggested that we put it in my birthplace, but i'd rather keep it in the united states. did anybody not see that joke coming? show of hands. only gallup? maybe dick morris?
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now, speaking of presidents and their legacies, i want to acknowledge a wonderful friend, steven spielberg and daniel day-lewis who are here tonight. we had a screening of their most recent film "lincoln" which was an extraordinary film. i am a little nervous, though, about steven's next project. i saw a behind the scenes look on hbo. well, let's just check it out. roll the tape. >> well, i was thrilled that "lincoln" was a success. and as i was thinking about what to do next, in the middle of the night i woke up and it hit me. "obama" the guy's already a lame duck, so why wait? picking the right actor to play obama, that was the challenge. i mean, who is obama really? we don't know. we never got his transcripts. and they say he's kind of aloof.
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so i needed someone who could dive in and really become barack obama. and as it turns out, the answer was right in front of me all along. daniel day-lewis. he becomes his characters. hawkeye from "last of the mohicans," lincoln in "lincoln". >> was it hard playing obama? i'll be honest it was. it took awhile. hello, ohio. hello, ohio. how have you been? look. look. let me be clear about this. you wouldn't believe how long it takes to put these ears on in the morning. >> once we had daniel to play obama, we had to cast the rest of his team. i think we've got pretty terrific performances. >> working with a legend like daniel is intimidating. but he makes everybody better. without him i never could have played joe biden.
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literally. hi, i'm joe biden. >> the hardest part? trying to understand his motivations. why did he pursue health care first? what makes him tick? why doesn't he get mad? if i were him, i'd be mad all the time. but i'm not him. i'm daniel day-lewis. >> well, it's a remarkable transformation. do i really sound like that, though, honey? well -- groucho marx once said -- senator cruz that's groucho marx, not carl. that's the other guy.
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he once told an audience "before i speak i have something important to say." and along those same lines i want to close on a more serious note. obviously there's been no shortage of news to cover over these past few weeks. and these have been some very hard days for too many of our citizens. even as we gather here tonight, our thoughts are not far from the people of boston and the people of west, texas. there are families in the midwest who are coping with some terrible floods. so we've had some difficult days. but even when the days seem darkest, we have seen humanity shine at its brightest. we've seen first responders and national guardsmen who dashed into danger. law enforcement officers who lived their oath to serve and to
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protect. and everyday americans who are opening their homes and their hearts to perfect strangers. and we also saw journalists at their best, especially those who took the time to wade upstream through the torrent of digital rumors to chase down leads and verify facts and painstakingly put the pieces together to inform and to educate and tell stories that demanded to be told. if anyone wonders for example whether newspapers are a thing of the past all you needed to do was pick up or log on to papers like "the boston globe." when their communities and the wider world needed them most, they were there, making sense of events that might at first blush seem beyond our comprehension.
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and that's what great journalism is, and that's what great journalists do. and that's why, for example, pete williams' new nickname around the nbc news room is "big papi." and in these past few weeks, as i've gotten a chance to meet many of the first responders and the police officers and volunteers who raced to help when hardship hits, i was reminded as i'm always reminded when i meet our men and women in uniform whether they're in war theater or here back at home or at walter reed, bethesda, i'm reminded that all these folks, they don't do it to be honored. they don't do it to be celebrated. they do it because they love their families and they love their neighborhoods and they love their country. and so these men and women should inspire all of us in this
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room to live up to those same standards, to be worthy of their trust, to do our jobs with the same fidelity and the same integrity and the same sense of purpose and the same love of country. because if we're only focused on profits or ratings or polls, then we're contributing to the cynicism that so many people feel right now. and so those of us in this room tonight, we are incredibly lucky. and the fact is, we can do better. all of us. those of us in public office, those of us in the press, those who produce entertainment for our kids, those with power, those with influence.
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all of us including myself, we can strive to value those things that i suspect led most of us to do the work that we do in the first place. because we believed in something that was true. and we believed in service and the idea that we can have a lasting, positive impact on the lives of the people around us. and that's our obligation. that's a task we should gladly embrace on behalf of all those folks who are counting on us. on behalf of this country that's given us so much. so thank you all to the white house correspondents for the great work you do. god bless you all. may god bless the united states of america.
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>> thank you, mr. president. without further adieu i'd like to introduce mr. conan o'brien. >> thank you. thank you! thank you. please remain seated. that's not necessary. thank you very much. please, mr. president. don't stand. that wouldn't be right. good evening. thank you. mr. president, mrs. obama, distinguished members of the press and bon jovi. yes. it's an honor to share this stage with the president. when you think about it, the president and i are a lot alike. we both went to harvard. we both have two children. and we both told joe biden we didn't have extra tickets for tonight's event. we also have something else in common like the president i too recently got in some hot water by talking about a public
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official's good looks. it was the time i wouldn't shut up about that stone cold fox, secretary of transportation ray lahood. oh, man, i like the cut of his jib. but president obama, he had some great jokes. it was a pleasure watch you can stand up here and do what i do. so now it's only fair that i get to do what you do. that's right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes i'll be mired in a tense, dysfunctional standoff with congress. this is going to be fun. now right away i'd like to formally congratulate the president on his re-election. congratulations. >> thank you. >> as you all know, the president is hard at work creating jobs. since he was first elected the number of popes has doubled. and the number of "tonight show" hosts has tripled. congratulations!
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and while i'm at it i'd like to congratulate president george w. bush on this week's dedication of his presidential library. yes, the library has millions of books, articles and documents. and if you go you can be the first to read them. you can't hurt me. now ladies and gentlemen, let's get going. right here at the start i'm going to sharing is with you people. and this doesn't leave this room. i say this with absolute confidence because we're on c-span. who doesn't love c-span? seriously. c-span. it's an entire channel shot with the backup camera on a ford explorer. congratulations to c-span for winning the bid to broadcast this event. they narrowly beat out hgtvq, tv south america and the hilton hotel how to check out channel.
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that's right, the hilton. it's great to be here at the hilton. is it just me or is it time to stop using price line to book this event? no, i love the hilton. i really love the hilton's motto. "sorry the radisson was booked." you know, i was worried that because of this sequester we would be forced to hold this event at a less prestigious hotel than the d.c. hilton. then i was told that's not possible. but i do want to thank the hilton for accommodating us. they were kind enough to reschedule a cash for gold seminar. by the way, for those of you here for the cash for gold seminar, that's been moved to salon b on the mezzanine. and if joe biden asks, there are no extra tickets for that, either. quick announcement before we really get going before we continue, if any of you are live tweeting this event please use
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the #incapable of living in the moment. yeah. yes. yes. yes. also to any u.s. senators here tonight, if you'd like to switch either your desserts or your position on gay marriage, please signal a waiter. by the way, speaking of dinner, tonight's entrys were halibut and filet mignon. or as john king reported it, lasagne and cous cous. there's a gavel here and i don't know why. here's a fun fact about tonight's food. everything you ate this evening was personally shot by wayne lapierre. don't worry. it was during a home invasion, though. the fish came in through the window.
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that wasn't peppercorn, that was bush shot, ladies and gentlemen. incidentally you may not know this but wayne la pierre is the executive vice president of the nra. which begs the question, how freaking crazy do you have to be to be the actual president of the nra? he's not even at the top. also i'd like to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with the seating charts. for a moment someone accidentally sat governor chris christie with the republicans. that was awkward and i apologize. very awkward. but speaking of tables, before dinner i had a chance to mingle. you probably saw me. i worked the crowd. i shook some hands. and sold my twitter account to al jazeera for $500 million. they'll buy anything. but it is an absolute joy to be here at the white house
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correspondents dinner. last year tom brokaw criticized this event for having too many superstars and a-list celebrities. when i told tom i would be attending this year he said "that's more like it." that shouldn't be funny to you. but this is really a star-studded event. this year you've taken it to new heights. i have to congratulate you. new heights. because you've got some of the guys from duck dynasty here. duck dynasty. yeah. the guys from duck dynasty are here which can only mean one thing, the guys from storage wars said no. no, i love duck dynasty. don't get me wrong. but guys i really don't think your streisand whistle is going to -- oh, my god, it works, she's here. that's incredible! i always hated that one. as some of you know this is my second time speaking at this event. i was last here 18 years ago
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back in 1995. a lot's changed since then. today you can get real-time information on world events from something small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. back in '95 we called that george stephanopoulos. i can't see if george is here because there's a crouton in the way. it's amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years. think about it. if in 1995 you'd told me that in 2013 we'd have an african-american president with a middle name hussein who was just re-elected to a second term in a sluggish economy, i would have said, oh, he must have run against mitt romney. by the way, no offense, mr. president. i do congratulate you on your victory. but as a late night comedian i was kind of pulling for the rich
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guy whose horse danced in the olympics. the demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades, and i look forward to hosting this event 18 years from now. then my opening line will be "buenos noches." si. especialamente mario lopez. but my prior experience has taught me how these dinners work. if the president laughs, everyone laughs. and if the fox news table laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike. how you doing, bill? yes, all the washington news media here tonight, including the stars of online journalism, i see the huffington post has a
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table. yeah. which has me wondering if you're here, who's covering miley cyrus's latest nip slips? who's assembling today's top 25 yogurt-related tweets? seven mistakes you're making with bacon. that's a real one and you should be ashamed of yourselves. by the way, just before dinner i tried to say a quick hello to ariana huffington but she made me watch a 30-second ad first. yes, a lot of online stars are in the room, but unfortunately matt drudge couldn't make it. yeah, he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997. of course, the washington print media is joining us this evening for two very good reasons. food and shelter.
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you know, how are you? you know, some people say print media is dying, but i don't believe it. and neither does my blacksmith. you got to meet zachariah, he's great. man, rough year for "newsweek," who after 80 years published its last print issue. "time" magazine meeting gloating but they really shouldn't because time wit outlive "newsweek" the way juliet outlived romeo. read the play. it's very smart. things are so tough for old media, this is a true story, reuters is having its afterparty right here at the hilton. because nothing says we're having a great year like having your after party at the same table where you just had dinner.
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with that in mind, reuters is asking everyone here to leave a little wine at the bottom of their glass. and to be fair, print media still has a big star in bob woodward, okay? got to give it up for bob woodward. yeah. yeah. yeah. earlier this evening a waiter asked mr. woodward if he wanted regular or decaf and he said, stop threatening me. tonight some of the big names in television news, when it comes to television news we have a divided media landscape. fox news is watched by conservatives. cnn is watched by the people who clean the offices at cnn. msnbc is watched by liberals. oh, it gets worst. cnn's ratings are so low, now when the logo comes up james earl monroe jones says "you're watching cnn?" what the hell?
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i have to say in the past few years, cnn has made some very odd moves. for example, they replaced the popular larry king with one of the scheming footmen from downton abby. piers slides right into that show. it's great to see my old friend at msnbc. msnbc's chris matthews is here. he has the only show where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the spittle off the lens. by the way, during the boston coverage on msnbc last week, chuck todd stopped a pundit from speculating on unverified information. there's no joke here. i'm just letting the people at cnn know that you can do that. this is a learning experience. hello to fox news star bill o'reilly. he's become quite the author.
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he's had two recent best sellers "killing kennedy" and "killing lincoln." he had one that was not so popular "the peaceful death of taft." what were you thinking? the truth is, bill o'reilly, this ons fall. this time it's about the killing of jesus. it will be the first time in history jesus's death is blamed on obama care. two quick shoutouts to pbs and npr. now pbs, yes. those pbs people love to party. guys, if you get lucky tonight, be safe, wear a tote bag. it works. you've got to love npr. npr's still the number one source for news delivered as if there's a toddler sleeping in the next room. shhh. nbc news is in the house. good lord they've had a rough go of it, huh?"
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the "today" show let go of ann curry after being told ann curry said let me get this straight. al roker tells the world he crapped his pants at the white house and i'm getting fired? al's the reason there are no more tours at the white house. they're still hosing it down. brian williams is here. brian, i'm a big fan of your show. "rock center with brian williams." imagine brian delivering the evening news on a different floor of the building a little later with a slightly different tie. it's a mind blower. you got to check it out. but as i look around the room and i see all the media here tonight i realize this is all just one big high school cafeteria. that's all it is. think about it. fox is the jocks. msnbc is the nerds. bloggers are the goths. npr is the table for kids with peanut allergies.
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al jazeera is the weird foreign exchange student nobody talks to. and print media, i didn't forget you. you're the poor kid who died sophomore year in a car crash. yeah. cheer up. we did kate the yearbook to you. >> of course, probably the biggest story that people in this room covered this past year was the republican failure to recapture the white house. hard to believe the republicans didn't fare better in the election with the support of celebrities like ted nugent and meatloaf. i guess they overestimated the number of voters who still drive carpeted vans. but the republican party is on the mend. one rising star on the right is
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senator marco rubio. or as he's known in the republican party, our black guy. yeah. by the way, as of today the u.s. senate has a record number of african-american senators, two. two. in other words, there are now more african-americans in the senate than in a mumford and sons concert. thank you, younger people. paul ryan. "i don't understand, what's he babbling about" who's this man? paul ryan recently, he really burst through last year when he ran for vice president. after the election ryan said president obama was re-elected because of the high turnout of urban voters. then when he was asked just how he liked his coffee ryan said, no milk, no sugar, just urban.
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well, there's rnb chairman reinse priebus. you heard me correctly. tonight he's sitting right in between his brothers, lather priebus and repeat priebus. house majority leader eric cantor is here. or as i like to refer to him, yet another jewish republican from the south gets old. that reminds me also joining us is a congressman from new york named steve israel. that's right, he's from new york and his name is israel. now, there's pandering and then there's pandering. that's like having a congressman from south carolina named jesus h. gun.
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my name's gun. jesus h. gun. i tell ya. you've got to use this thing. it's fantastic! i only used it once! i mentioned republican governor chris christie earlier. chris christie and shaquille o'neal are sitting at the same dinner table. so let's give it up for the real unsung hero tonight, their waiter. that poor bastard. he's going to lose an arm. i believe we have one or two supreme court justices here. the supreme court seems divided over same-sex marriage. the liberal justices favor it while the conservatives oppose. any lifelong sacred union between two men unless of course it's antonin scalia and clarence thomas. what the hell was that?
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no surprise that speaker john boehner isn't here tonight. speaker boehner and president obama are still struggling to get along. president obama and john boehner are kind of like a blind date between anderson cooper and rachel maddow. in theory, they understand each other's positions, but deep down you know nothing's ever going to happen. speaking of nothing happening, we're all hoping of course that nothing happens with north korea. and that got me wondering, what is with kim jong-un? in the past we've had really scary enemies like saddam hussein and hitler. now our nemesis is a pouty teenage boy who dresses like rosy o'donnell at the emmys. kim jong-un doesn't understand that we aren't afraid of him.
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what that guy doesn't get is that we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down america. it's called florida. yes, is. yes, president obama has a lot on his plate right now. he's now at that very nice stage where there are no more secrets left to come out about him. we all know that as a child he lived in indonesia. he studied at a muslim seminary and occasionally ate dog. so clearly from the beginning he was a kid who had his eyes set on the u.s. presidency. check, check and check. here i come. now i know the relationship between the president and the press can seem a bit strained at times. some in this room have even accused the president of being distant and aloof. when i asked the president about it earlier he said "oh," and then walked away.
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of course it's only natural but mr. president your re-election was a little less exciting the first time around in 2008. on election night in 2008 you celebrated with hundreds of thousands of people in chicago's grant park. it was fascinating. this time around you split a charred dog with david axelrod at the wiener circle. it just didn't have the same buzz. and by the way, i have a question. and i think some of you also have this question. it's been several months since you were re-elected, sir. so i'm curious, why are you still sending everyone five e-mails a day asking for more money? you won! do you have a gambling problem we don't know about? did you put it all on gonzaga? you did, didn't you? he did! president obama has already made a lot of changes in his second term. sir you recently appointed john kerry and chuck hagel. very smart move. you appointed the only two
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people in the united states who look even more tired than you. it's a great strategy. mr. president, you're going to leave office as a very young man. and yet the presidency has taken its toll. i don't want to alarm you, sir, but you're starting to look like a judge on "law and order." just say you're on thin ice, counselor. you could have that part right away. seriously, mr. president, your hair is so white it could be a member of your cabinet. he can handle it. speaking of the cabinet, the president recently picked his new treasury secretary jack liu. it gives me great joy to know if the president ever has to let him go he'll get to say "it's not liu it's me." the quote i hear about the president is that he's always the coolest guy in the room. that's what everyone says, he's the coolest guy in the room. here's my question. who else is in that room? it's not hard to be a cool one
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when the other guys in the room are biden, hagel and kerry. i'd be cool, too, if i was in a room where someone was showing steven shu how to do the harlem shake. now i've made some jokes about the president this evening. and i'm looking forward to my audit. it's coming. i know, sir, it's coming. but i would like to take a moment here and change gears and say something to the president regarding the events of the past two weeks. some of you may not know this. i grew up in boston. my parents still live there. and my brother luke raised his family in watertown. i'd like to take this opportunity to thank you, mr. president, for visiting that great city and helping its people begin to heal with your inspiring words. it made a huge difference.
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it's been said recently that you don't mess with boston. as someone who grew up there i'd like to echo that sentiment. it's really pretty simple. if you're going to pick on a city, don't choose one where nine out of ten people are related to a cop. don't do it. it's stupid. and that includes myself. i have one more thing to mention before i go. everyone's obsessed with washington these days. you all saw how you went crazy for house of cards. homeland. and of course this event tonight. hollywood can't get enough of your world. well, tonight i'm excited to announce that turner broadcasting is going to make a major television miniseries about the big power players here in washington. they just finished the casting and i would like to announce who is going to play who. this is big. vice president joe biden is going to be played by bob
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barker. former white house adviser david axelrod will be played by higgins from "magnum p.i." this was also produced by steven spielberg, by the way. representative paul ryan will be played by mr. beane. senator chuck schumer will be played by grandpa munster. senator harry reid will be played by the old man from the american gothic painting. fox news ceo roger ales will be played by boss hogg. we've signed the deal. speaker of the house john boehner will be played by tan
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mom. secretary of homeland security janet napolitano will be played by paul giamatti. former white house chief of staff and chicago mayor rahm emanuel will be played by stuey from "family guy." secretary of state john kerry will be played by an easter island head. i cannot tell those two apart. supreme court chief justice john roberts will be played by buzz lightyear. senator mitch mcconnell will be played by dame edna.
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cnn anchor wolf blitzer will be played by a furbie. nra executive vice president wayne la pierre will be played by the face melt guy from "raiders of the lost arc." and press secretary jay carnie will be played by ralphy from "a christmas story." ladies and gentlemen, this is a huge honor. thank you very much. >> there you have it, everyone. always a treat every single year. it's time where hollywood and washington take jabs at each other. the president very funny tonight and there was conan o'brien who was the headliner tonight at the white house correspondents dinner in washington. >> great job, conan.
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>> we thank you for watching. that's our coverage. have a great evening. good night. on the first day you take it. claritin® doesn't start working until hour 3. [ sneezes ] [ male announcer ] zyrtec®. love the air. [ female announcer ] this week only, save up to $13 on zyrtec® products. see sunday's newspaper.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ female announcer ] nothing gets you going quite like the power of quaker oats. today is going to be epic. quaker up.
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here in boston, two bombs, two brothers, accused of turning the marathon into carnage. now we follow the terror from the boston suburbs to a war-torn part of russia, investigating who the suspects were, how the deadly plan took place, and crucially, what turned a pair of striving immigrants into alleged killers. drew griffin begins our special report, "boston terror: behind the bombings." >> reporter: from the moment two bombs exploded at the finish line of the boston marathon --

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