tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central June 15, 2011 10:00am-10:30am PDT
>> stephen: tonight, who won the g.o.p. debate? i'd say newt gingrich. he went two hours without anyone quitting his campaign. (laughter) then is "sesame street" corrupting our children? i find out firsthand if someone would just tell me how to get there. (laughter) and my guest janney scott wrote a book about barack obama's mother. i guess her own mom must be really boring. (laughter) "spider-man" the musical finally reopens. just in time to save new york's struggling hospitals. (laughter) this is "the colbert report."
captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome to the "report," everybody. please. thank you for joining us. nation, last night all eyes were on new hampshire for the very
first second republican debate. (laughter) and the candidates wasted in time establishing their pro-family credentials. >> i'm tim pawlenty, i'm a husband. my wife mary and i have been married for 23 years. i'm the father of two beautiful daughters. >> kara and i have r the parents of seven children. >> i've had five children and we are the proud foster parents of 23 great children. >> i delivered babies for a living. delivered 4,000 babies. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, i'm confident these candidates are going to connect with the american people since apparently they made most of them. (laughter) any way, the candidates cede lot of stuff. the audience was there. it was electrifying. but there is no doubting what the bombshell of the evening was. >> i just want to make an announcement here for you, john, on cnn tonight. i filed today my paperwork to seek the office of the president of the united states today. >> stephen: what the what? (laughter)
someone in a presidential debate is running for president? (laughter) that's like going to a wedding and the couple announces they've applied for a marriage license! no one could have seen this coming! it's like the end of an. many night shyamalan movie. wait a second. wait a second! we're going to find out that one of the candidates is actually dead! (laughter) >> who's it going snob >> pawlenty was the loser. >> he really looked weak. didn't look like an alpha male guy. >> a beta dog, a boiled noodle. >> stephen: a boiled noodle? not t-paw! he was always at least al dente! (laughter) i mean, pawlenty's campaign was soaring like a chicken tossed off a barge! i mean, just two days ago on fox news sunday pawlenty jacked mitt romney flight the health care plan! jim? >> president obama said that he
designed obamacare after romney care and basically made it obamneycare. >> oh, no! obamneycare is perfect! it's the brangelina of political attacks! (laughter) he got mitt romney right in the achilles heel and even worse, heel injuries are covered under obamneycare! so the minnesota governor was totally primed and ready when john king lobbed him a softball even the minnesota wins the could hit. >> you just heard the governor rebut your characterization obamneycare. >> well, the issue that was raised in a question from a reporter was what are the similarities between the two and i just cited president obama's own words. >> was obamneycare on fox news sunday, why is it not obamneycare standing with the governor delight? >> president obama is the person who i quoted in saying he looked to massachusetts for designing his program. >> stephen: forget obamneycare.
i want to know how minnesota's health plan keeps tim pawlenty alive without a spine. (laughter) o boomny care! obamneycare was perfect! you had romney on the ropes. you've got to finish him! you've got to sweep the leg. cnn's cornell belcher gets it. >> if someone occupy it is state that you and i occupy and they're ahead of you i'm sorry, you've got to cut that person and make them bleed. now, do you take a hatchet to them the first night in the debate? no, but you have to make them bleed because you're never going to get ahead of that person unless you cut them and you make them bleed. >> stephen: yeah! down him! down him! what, what? oh! make him bleed! by the way, someone needs to check this man's crawl space. (laughter) why didn't you stick it into romney and twist the handle?
by the way, if romney won the debates, i'm a big supporter of his now. and all i can imagine is pawlenty is now running for romney's vice president. why else would he let mitt mount him like a silverback gorilla. (laughter) and, folks, there are a lot of good reasons for pawlenty to be vice president. romney has said he likes the economic ideas that pawlenty has been throwing around. like this economic idea he announced last week. >> we should cut the business tax rate by more than half. on the individual rates, i propose just two rates, 10% and 25%. >> stephen: just two rates. it's easy a child could understand it, especial they e-trade baby who i believe is in the top 2%. (laughter) and the paweconomics, average
americans will save $700 a year while americans who save $10 million a year will save $2.4 million. now, that would widen the gap between the superrich and the middle-class but that gap is already so wide we can't hear them complaining. (laughter) and pawlenty has a simple way of paying for all his tax cuts. >> we can start by what i call the google test. if you can find a service or a good available on google or the internet, then the federal government probably doesn't need to be providing that good or service. (audience reacts) >> stephen: yes. if you can find it on google, the government shouldn't do it. that's why the government shouldn't do porn. (laughter) i mean... (cheers and applause) guys... why pay the post office 44 cents to send your grandma a letter when you can pay fedex 25 bucks. it shows her you care more and when grandma fedexs you a
birthday card with $5 in it, it will only take four more years to have enough to send her a thank you note. so i say we can google test our way to eliminating the government all together. okay, for instance, who needs the department of transportation to maintain our interstate highways when i can just google r. pasqually and sons paving. it's right there on their web site "no paving job is too big." good. they can fill the potholes on i-95. as long as mr. di pasqually has more sons than michele bachmann. and, folks, it's easy. we can eliminate medicare. there's all kinds of health services on the internet. seniors, if you're feeling chest pain, just fire up your mac book, go to web m.d., search the message boards for the right pharmaceutical by friending cardiac patients on facebook, then create a fake gmail account
to buy black market plavix from canada. (cheers and applause) the point is regardless of the fact that tim pawlenty cratered in last night's debate, his ground breaking google solution means he's still an attractive candidate because i can google tim pawlenty. (laughter) and if i can google tim pawlenty that means he's absolutely unnecessary in government. (cheers and applause) which makes him the perfect vice president. we'll be right back.
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome back. everybody knows and it's no secret out there that i have had a long time beef with "sesame street". they teach our kids all the wrong lessons. like the hairy man living in a dumpster is your friend. (laughter) and that the letter "d" is a reliable sponsor. pay up, "d." don't make me send 7 after you. you heard what 7 did to 9. but now these monsters-- cookie
and otherwise-- are brainwashing our kids as part of a new initiative called "for me, for you, for later." which teaches tot it is importance of saving and self-control. the d.v.d. is a little confusing but from what i can gather from my repeated viewings-- (laughter) -- elmo want shiny ball. >> a stupendous ball. ♪ stupendous ball >> since commerce on "sesame street" runs on a purely cash basis, if you want a stupendous ball, $5 apiece, and you've only got, say, one dollar, you can't borrow, you have to save up for it. >> stephen: ridiculous! why should elmo save up for it when elmo pro-approved for brand new stupendous ball card? (laughter) elmo call stephen now, limited time offer! besides, "sesame street" has
always been about indulging your impulses. whether it be going on a blackout cookie bender or cackling about your uncontrollable o.c.d. (laughter) you know, that could be managed with one, two, three doses of paxil! ha ha ha ha ha. (cheers and applause) beautiful paxil! this muppet fiscal conserve stichl based on a social science experiment called the marshmallow test. for more, we turn to grover and an unnamed muppet named leather. >> sometimes people do this stuff with kids your age, they say "i'll give you a marshmallow now or if you wait aa little while i'll give you two marshmallows, but only if you wait." >> the marshmallows! >> would it be hard to wait? >> it would be very hard to wait yes. >> stephen: very hard to wait
for marshmallows. i feel the same way about grover meat. (laughter) it's good. it's good. now, this experiment was first performed in 12970s to determine a child's self-control and the results were startling. according to the study kids kids who at the age of three displayed the most self-control were far more likely to be healthy and wealthy in their 30s. evidently, your ability to resist eating a marshmallow determines your future success. (laughter) i say it's time to test this theory. i happen to have a bag of marshmallows right here and... (laughter) ... i could have sworn that was full before the show. never mind, i always carry a spare bag. so the theory is that if i resist eating this now then i get to have two later. let's try it.
where's the marshmallows? (laughter) let's try it the other way. leer two that i can have later. i was wrong as i resisted eating this one. (laughter and applause) where the (bleep) are my marshmallows? (laughter) jimmy! jimmy, we need to spray the studio for raccoons again. okay, you know what? i'll try it with a different food. okay, here's broccoli, okay? now, if i resist this stalk of broccoli for ten seconds, i can have two marshmallows, all right? ready? go! oh, i can't wait to find out what happens! i bet i can do it! (audience counting down)
what a coincidence. i read a singular page. (laughter) please welcome janney scott. (cheers and applause) thanks so much for coming on. the name of the book is, as i said "a singular woman: the unfold story of barack obama's mother." what is the untold story and is it possibly a scandal that his opponents can use against him in 2012? (laughter) >> no, the idea of the title is that we know a lot about barack obama's father. he wrote a memoir almost entirely "dreams for my father." but he said very little about his mother. >> stephen: did she have no dreams? >> i believe she probably did. all we've really known about cher that she was the white woman from kansas, the white mother from kansas always paired to the black father from kenya. during the campaign we heard about her as the single mother on food stamps or, you know, the idealistic woman who went off
the indonesia and that's the version he tells in the book. >> stephen: the brave woman who raised her child in kenya (laughter) >> exactly. we have heard that story. in fact, the real story is far more interesting than oversimplified version we're aware of. this was a personally who was thoroughly unconventional. over and over made remarkable choices that would be hard to make even now but this is back in the '60s. you know, she at 17 conceived a child with an african man and married him at a time when there were nearly two dozen states with laws against interracial marriage. she then went off to indonesia with him at age six with her sons, had married an indonesian man. she went to indonesia at a time of political and social upheaval in that country. so over and over again she made remarkable choices and her story says a lot of life... sheds light on the president, the person who i think many americans don't fully understand. >> stephen: what drove her to do these things? if it was such an unusual thing, why would she go to indonesia? >> i think she really... she
fell in love with an indonesian is what happened. she fell in love first with an african, that marriage blew up very quickly. she then fell in love with an indonesian and he had to go back to indonesia, she went with him and discovered a fascinating country where she found her sort of... her future career as an anthropologist and later in development and in microfinance. so she was a person who was very open kind of emotionally and intellectually and allowed herself to be taken places by that. >> stephen: was she a feminist? >> i think it would be safe to say that. but she didn't adhere to labels. she didn't choose any labels. in fact, one person said to me the only label she ever embraced was anthropologist. >> her own son said she was a lefty. >> i don't know if that's quite how he put it. >> i think he did. i think he said she was a lefty bomb thrower. (laughter) >> there was no.... >> stephen: you don't marry a kenyan and you don't marry an indonesian if you're pro-america. a lot of guys over here, you know what i mean? what's wrong with some kansas guys?
kind of insulting to all of us here, us guys who.... >> stephen: she actually while she was born in kansas she never really lived much of her life in kansas and she ended up in hawaii where these things happen. hawaii is a very different kind of society than even continental united states at the time. very multiethnic, no racial majority. what drove her is a set of circumstances. she wasn't some kind of visionary. i don't even know that she was particularly lefty. and she certainly wasn't anti-american. she remained an american citizen for her entire career. she spent the bulk of her... the majority of her adult life in indonesia, but never gave up her citizenship. >> stephen: did she raise barack obama or was it his grandparents? >> no, she did. she was the dominant influence. certainly in the first.... >> stephen: but she left him befind the united states and went back over to indonesia. >> that's sort of the oversimplified version. she was in indonesia with him when he was ten, she wanted him to have an english language education she couldn't get
there. she sent him back to her parents so he could go to a great school. she joined him, stayed with him until he was close to high school, then she had gotten to a point whether w her graduate work in pursuit of her ph.d. where she had to go back to indonesia and he didn't want to go. and he stayed with her parents for high school and shi did go back there. i think a lot of americans find that hard to swallow. >> stephen: i do. (laughter) >> she was juggling a number of conflicting obligations. >> stephen: she just seems like somebody, you know, hey, listen, i don't want to stereotype, but somebody who leaves their child behind to, you know, pursue their own personal goals: look, yes, i work very hard, i pursue my own personal goals, i have a vague sense that i have three children. (laughter) but i'm a guy, okay? and i'm bringing home the bacon. don't women-- and, again, i don't want to stereotype and i am as much of a feminist as any guy who doesn't support feminist causes. (laughter)
but isn't it... isn't there a special tug on a woman to be with your child? and she didn't do that. >> no, she was with her child. >> stephen: you just said she wasn't for a lot of it. >> no, actual play i said was she was with him for the first 13 years of his life but then in high school.... >> stephen: the key, formative high school years. >> perhaps, perhaps not. many people send their children to boarding school. people who are abroad. she made a choice to send him to her parents for a particularly good school. >> stephen: listen, you're a woman. women judge other women, right? harshly. harshly. >> that's right. >> stephen: how do you... give me your judgment on this person. (laughter) >> hey, i'm a journalist, you know? my job was to write her story and to put it out there. >> stephen: you won't judge her? >> i think she's a fascinating character and i think she sheds a lot of light on the president and to understand her story is to understand him better. i'm not going to tell you she was a great mother or terrible mother. that's up to other people who read the book. (laughter) >> stephen: they have to buy the