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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 16, 2011 2:35am-3:05am PDT

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graduated from college. ouch! terrible time to enter the job market. this is "the colbert report" captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] that's nice. thank you so much, everybody. welcome to the report. please -- [cheers and applause] , please, folks, nation, with us
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to have you good. i'm so outraged i can't keep my sentences straights but our enemies in iran led by their if a nautical ayatollah khomeini have perpetrated another attack on the people. when are you going to intervene president obama. iran supports hezbollah and they refuse to wear ties even when formal ties are called for. this is garden elegance at best and bordering on casual friday. you monster! i'm sorry i'm so worked up with fashion, folks, it's just that iran has imposed a necklace ban for men. this is an outrage. people of iran rise up, throw off your chains and then throw on your chains. [laughter]
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without a necklace how is a man supposed to communicate hisser have rility? a chain is the universal language that says to women,ly not call you after we have sex. [ applause ] folks, and this is just the latest component of iran's quote "moral security plan designed to combat the western cultural invasion and enforced by more than 70,000 moral police on the streets. ". they are like the fashion police when would stone the fashion police. [laughter] not only has iran band necklaces, they are also prohibiting shorts. that's right. now they are attacking daisy duke.ç folks, we we cannot let theç in people suffer align. it's time to take a stand.
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-- suffer alone. it is time to take a stand. [cheers and applause] how you like the tate of this you ahmedini-shorts? embrace the western value of short shorts. who knows the ayatollah might be a lot less angry if he got some usair down there. [laughter] nation, every day our economy sinks further to what could be called a double dip recession. it's great news because it's going to be blamed on barack obama. >> suddenly barack obama looks more vulnerable than he did a few months ago. >> president obama is a one term president. >> the republicans if they play this right, they could run
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lassie and win. >> even lassie could beat obama. she would never get the republican nomination. helping timmy out of that well is socialism. there's still a few hurdles to clear before we get our country back from the people we voted for. see, obama owns the youth vote. the only way kid kozlov him more is if he were a skate park. the g.o.p. brand is about as popular with kidses as an episode of 60 minutes hosted by a tube of senodyne. >> in the 2008 cycle none of republicans heavily courted the youth vote. 62% of 18-29-year-old voted democratic. >> what the republicans don't get is that the antigay, anti-immigrant, anti-muslim stuff they put out is toxic to the under 35.
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>> stephen: that's right. old man mccain would be president if i wasn't for you meddling kids. i do not buy the argument that young voters are turned off by republican ideas. pretty much everyone has described paul ryan medicare cuts as radical. evidently these young home boys are too busy doing the mack raina while listening to better than ezra on their head phones. i'm hip to the scene. there's a new way for republicans to appeal to youngsters and it's the subject of tonight's word. shock the vote. one conservative has figured out how to reach the coveted youth audience. kenneth delvechio, a former part time new jersey judge and senate
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candidate. delvechio or d to the v as no one calls him knows there's no way to get to kids like final destination, drag me to hell and sex in the stay 2. it's terrifying. to appeal to the children out there he wrote and produced a prolife horror film called the life zone. >> you have all committed a terrible sin. i am your jailer. >> you are all on the operating table. all ready to commit murder. >> you must -- >> you kidnapped. >> you will stay here in thiss room for the nextç seven months until you simultaneously give birth to your children. it's a movie with all the terror of knocked up.
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the life zone is about three pregnant women who are held captive by a sadistic jailer who tries to change their mind about abortion by forcing them to carry their babies to term. and folks, just like all great horror films the movie has a shocking twist. [laughter] at the end -- at the end it is revealed all along the women had been in perg tory after having died on the operating table of abortion clinics but the film isn't some kind of preachy right wing sermon. he explained, i think the audience will walk away not knowing what the filmmakers position is. it gives both sides of coin. it gives the side where the women who have their baby goes to heaven and the other side of coin where the woman who doesn't goes to hell. the viewer can choose who is
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right. i believe he is on to something here. young people are brain washed by pop culture all the time. but i say -- [laughter] -- if this movie works why stop at abortion. horror movies targeted to youth audiences can promote all of our traditional values. [laughter] for instance, i for one would like to see a remake of carrie where she's home schooled. that way there's no prom, no taunting, no bucket of blood and she gets a full scholarship to liberty university. [laughter] or how about -- [cheers and applause] i think this could go pretty well with the kids, a movie to convert vegetarians where the australian guy from outback steakhouse kidnaps a vegan, imprisons him inside a cow and forces him to eat his way out. or -- [cheers and applause] or a movie that protects
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traditional marriage where a gay guy and a lesbian are stitched together junk to junk by a mad moralistic scientist until they realize how good it feels. [laughter] and what better way to show the horrors of universal health care than with the release of texas chainsaw medicare. i didn't want ledger face as my -- leather face as my primary care physician but with obama care i didn't have a choice. and the next movie will be about our new republican president. that is my favorite kind of film. that's the word. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪
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>> stephen: welcome back. [cheers and applause] thank you very much. folks, you know, it's not a secret, i love helping seniors. that's why i like to set aside special time on my show for them and like phonecalls to my nana, i only do it twice a year. this is stephen colbert's senior moment. ♪ çç
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folks, we all know that pot smoking is a menace and not just to our nation's dwindling supply of el fudge cookies. but look who is okay ting now. >> pretty much the last place you would expect to find hundreds of people smoke pot but seniors living at the laguna woods retirement community also known as leisure world have formed a nonprofit medical marijuana collective. >> the thought of nausea disappears and it's replaced by what is commonly called the munchies. >> stephen: our elderly are getting baked. no wonder they are eating dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon. [cheers and applause] folks, we cannot have the greatest generation burning down. before you know it, they'll be crocheting black light pillow and trying to sync up perry c
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cuomo's lightly latin. soon they'll move on to mej and in one will know because they have already lost their teeth. folks, as always i'm mostly worried about how this will effect me. because as regular viewers know i'm a friend of factor and form er oatmeal spokesperson wilford brimley. he is my mentor. i received a disturbing phonecall. since record all of my calls -- it's for the lawsuit -- i can play it for you now. jim? >> hello? >> hey, college. >> stephen: wilford? >> it's wilford brimley. >> stephen: are you okay? >> i'm as fried as a churro.
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had some of that marijuana. it's prescription. it's for my diabetes. diabetes. diabetes. dia-a-betes. you ever say a word so many times it loses all meaning. >> stephen: i have to work tomorrow. >> i won't take any more of your time. what do you think goes up inside a dish washer. i'm thinking about crawling up in there. >> stephen: don't. should i send someone over there? >> not unless they want to see a 76-year-old man eating oatmeal in the buff. the guy in the oatmeal box is look at me. >> stephen: i'm hanging up. >> colbert, wait. >> stephen: yes? >> i love you. >> stephen: thanks. i don't know what to -- what is that noise. >> (bleep). i gotta go. i put a dvd in my toaster oven to rewind it and now the
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breakfast nook is on fire. where is the extinguisher? put it out with oatmeal. now the oatmeal is on fire. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: kids, listen to your elders, they are a font of wisdom. and elders, lay off the d
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>> stephen:ç bell come back -- welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has had tv shows on espn, msnbc and now current tv. i'm interview him quick before he is on animal planet. please welcome keith olberman. [cheers and applause] whoo! boom, boom, boom! [cheers and applause] what is up, my man. good to see you. [cheers and applause] good to see you again, keith. >> good to see you, congressman. >> stephen: thank you. sir, welcome back. >> thank you kindly. >> stephen: to television. the cameras are the big thing. i know. >> stephen: speak slowly and clearly into the mic. >> i've missed it so much. >> stephen: is this your first
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appearance on television. >> no, i was on somebody else's show. >> stephen: let's say this is your first appearance on television. >> meaningful television. >> stephen: absolutely. let's see if you still got it. >> you tried to take it from me i remember that after the last show -- >> stephen: all right. let's see if you still got it from my friend. how many days has bush declared mission accomplished. >> a lot. >> stephen: 2998. >> i have to use it until monday. >> stephen: how long since you've been on the air? >> since i have been on haven't been? >> stephen: since the last time? >> january 21. >> stephen: how many days, keith. >> let's see, nine in january. >> stephen: 145. >> i've enjoyed every one of them. >> stephen: what are you been doing with yourself? >> i've been an executive. i've been in charge of setting up the new show.
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>> stephen: you are a suit now. >> i'm a suit now. >> stephen: a robert redford thing a tie and jeans. >> somebody had to wear some pants. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: it's very cooling and refreshing. [laughter] has it been painful in the last 145 days to live with the knowledge that bill o'reilly won? [laughter] because o'reilly stayed on the air and you went off the air. and so, i mean, let's face it you were in a feud, he jacked you so hard you landed in current tv. >> well, necessary responsible in large part for my promotion and my raise. yes, if i want to give him the victory go right ahead. >> stephen: you are back. you are the comeback kid but that implies you lost. are you man enough to say o'reilly won? >> no, of course not.
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>> stephen: you left the playing field. you for fitted. >> okay. >> stephen: do you understand sports? >> not really, no, obviously. that's why i left sports. >> stephen: tell me about current tv. is it dedicated to electricity or is it about tiny raisins? >> we do a whole series on telsa. the band son the air. we have our series. there's a whole ac/dc theme throughout the day. >> stephen: have you missed being on television? there's been huge stories over the last 145 days. >> like what? something -- >> stephen: we're at war with another country in the last 145 days. have you missed reporting on that? >> unfortunately we're always at war with another country, aren't we? seriously -- >> stephen: no. >> okay. >> stephen: have you missed being on tv? >> not particularly. it's nice.
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you don't have to shave every day. if i didn't think i was going to be back on tv eventually i'm sure i would have missednb it. there's always another anthony weiner coming down the lineç here. there's always another story. the only thing that ended in the last 145 days was bin laden's heart heartbeat. everything else there's another story coming down the line. >> stephen: that was a big story. you didn't get to cover it. >> i'm sure there will be other big stories. >> stephen: current tv is what channel in every city? >> we're 103 here in manhattan and 37-something on dish. 358 on direct. >> stephen: is al gore's network. >> al gore is my boss. >> stephen: how many of your cameras run by wind power. >> the one i use directly, that's hand cranked. i have to hit it under the desk. >> stephen: do you have editorial control? >> yes, i do. >> stephen: did you not have
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editorial control before? >> i i kind of did but now i do. >> stephen: this is the countdown with keith olberman 2.0? were you in anyway fetorred at msnbc that you will not be now? >> i think it was coming to that i'm not going to say they shut me down. >> stephen: why are you so hard to work with? [laughter] you are universally regarded as insane. [laughter] why are you so difficult, you keep leaving places. >> to get better jobs. what is insane about that? i've had nine full time employer s in my career and three of them rehired me so a third of them brought me back. >> stephen: impressive. you are one for three. >> that's right. >> stephen: where do you fall in the lineup of current tv? >> as we move towards being all news and information and opinion
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and comont teary i'm the first show. and then there's going to be other shows that will be somewhat similar to mine in the future. >> stephen: it's going to be wall-to-wall keith olberman. >> oath three hours a day. right after our show is the documentary series vanguard which is say superior program that has won a lot of awards, a lot of international programming and almost no prison documentaries. >> stephen: that is one thing msnbc is going to have on you. on a friday night there's nothing like better than watching 72 hours of cruel beating and sodomy. keith olberman thanks for coming on. "countdown with keith olberman" starts monday, june 20 on current tv. check it ou
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's it for the report. good night.
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