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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 28, 2011 2:20am-2:50am PDT

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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back.
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my guest tonight. >> this isn't working. i'm sorry. >> you know what? i think i can make out our little friend right there. >> can we stop doing this thing here? >> why? >> because you're the girlfriend. >> she's not just my girlfriend anymore. we're engaged now. >> what? >> jon: welcome back to the show jennifer aniston. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: very nice to see you. >> very nice to see you. >> jon: what's happening? >> as always. nothing. i'm just sort of strolling around new york city.
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>> jon: promoting some movies. >> sell ago movie. >> jon: people are saying your character is a little more raunchy, a little harder edge, a bit of a departure. clearly they did not see marlee and me. >> especially on the.... >> jon: because you in that.... >> it was crazy. >> jon: vicious. >> there was a lot of editing room floor that they could not put in. >> jon: that's exactly right. >> raunchy. >> jon: in this thing, it's about a dentist that is sexually harassing her employees. is sexual harassment of your employees, is that frowned upon now because.... >> why? >> jon: i also have one of those dentist squirters in my office. whenever anybody comes in. >> male or female? >> jon: it really is just jewish or christian. see which is which. >> that's interesting. what other dent many tools do you have. >> jon: can i tell you something, i am still at this age not a big fan of going to the dentist. >> nobody is. >> jon: they've gotten much
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better. my kids don't have the same hang-up about it as i do. >> see what's happening. what are they doing differently these days. >> jon: do you think they're banging while my kids are out? that's the craziest thing i've ever heard. just opening up a highlights magazine and going to town. >> my dentist plays the guitar for me when i'm... when i have like molds in my mouth. literally while something is... i mean it's odd. but it's the truth. >> jon: why doesn't he do like dental (beep) while you're... why is he playing.... >> don't ask. it's hollywood. >> jon: he puts all that stuff in your mouth and goes, you know, i have a new cd? >> i'm not kidding. he plays... and you can't get out of the chair so you're sort of stuck listening to it. not that it's not good or anything by the way. >> jon: the important thing.... >> lovely. >> jon: inflame your dentist the next time you're in the chair. is he playing dentist music
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like a certain.... >> he's playing music he's learned. he literally learned to play the guitar like seven years ago which i've been going to him for 15 years. it's quite impressive. he's really good. >> jon: so one day... and i hate to stick to this but one day he said jennifer i have a surprise for you. >> yes. >> jon: and he pulled out a guitar. were you nervous that he was about to propose? did you think, guitar? >> no, i didn't think that because there are thousands of pictures of the family up on the wall and all of their teeth. >> jon: how is a dentist kids' teeth? >> gorgeous. >> jon: would have to be. do you think... again i don't want to disrespect this guy. do you think it's his real family? because just looking at it from a purely from a business perspective, let's say these are some people with some truly (beep) dental work. he can't put them up.
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i mean, i'm not in any way suggesting.... >> are you saying that you think my dentist is sort of corrupt? kind of? >> jon: somehow figured out that he's using dental work as a stepping stone to a music career. >> it's a hobby. i don't think he's... he's not... there's no music.... >> jon: i like to do woodworking. >> you do. >> jon: i like to do woodworking. >> you whittle? >> jon: i whittle. is that what the kids are calling it these days? >> that's what i used to call it. >> jon: let's say, jennifer, hold on a second and i got let's say a table saw and i just started moiking you a cabinet. >> i would really appreciate that. >> jon: is that true? >> yes. >> jon: you know i made my children's changing table. >> you did. >> jon: i figured at that age they're not going to remember the splinters. >> no. >> jon: but i did make it.
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it was quite good. >> i bet it was. >> jon: very kind of you to say that. it's a very funny movie. it's in the theaters on july 8. >> july 8. >> jon: it's going to be apparently huge. >> let's hope. very funny movie. >> jon: it is a very funny movie and you're very funny in it. >> thank you. >> jon: you're welcome. now i'd like to play your song. ladies and gentlemen, jennifer aniston. ( cheers and app
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the new droid incredible 2. i could use a smartphone with social apps to stay up on what my friends are doing. and it's global,
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so i'll know what they're doing while they're doing it, even when i travel. i'll have to act surprised when they tell me stuff. i don't have a good surprised face. maybe i can look up videos of surprised people on my new phone for reference. yep, i really want that phone. upgrade to the new droid incredible 2 by ht)@ wiñ443lobal capabilities for only $149.99. now on a0rrica's largest, most reliable high-speed network.9b verizon.2@ ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night i believe at 11:00. luis c.k.will be in the studio with us. unfortunately you people will not. here it is your moment of zen. >> found a place to cool off. >> surfing the seal river. check that out. have you ever seen anything like that? >> new york city plans to feed geese to the homeless. the city will actually send the birds captured around its airports to pennsylvania to
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>> stephen: tonight, florida governor rick scott looks far way to increase his popularity. try telling everyone in boca you're their grandson. (laughter) then, ted nugent writes an op-ed. what's black and white and covered with the blood of small game? (laughter) plus, my guest is the president of americans for tax reform, grover norquist. i'm going to claim his as a dependent. (laughter) the supreme court ruled it's legal to sell silent video games to kids. get ready for grand theft tetris. (laughter) this is "the colbert report."
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. (crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you! thank you so much. i had no idea that you guys could read cue cards. (laughter) welcome to the "report," good to have you with us, and thank you all for watching our last show
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before the earth swallows new york and drags it to hell. (laughter) because on friday the state legislature legalized gay marriage. now, i am not surprised governor cuomo signed the bill. it's all part of the cuomo sexual agenda. (laughter) but a new law goes into effect july 24 and mayor bloomberg has already started a new economic campaign called "n.y.c. i do" to make the city more gay marriage friendly starting with some slight changes to the statue of liberty. (laughter) folks, i am not happy for gays that this law passed. i'm very sad. or heterosexual. (laughter) because this law is already destroying traditional marriage. anything goes now.
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bigamy, polygamy, trig no, ma'am tri. (laughter) the ancient greeks invented it, it's got to be gay. (laughter) folks... and i'll tell you, it can't come as a surprise, bill o'reilly tried to warn us. >> one of the arguments against gay marriage is that if it becomes law all other alternative marital visions will be allowed. you could have married a duck. you want to marry a turtle you can. a british woman married a dolphin. and there is one more thing, the dolphin is a female. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: folks, let me be clear about something, o'reilly is right. gays, lesbians, ducks, turtles, all the same. (laughter) because there's no one in my family like that, but same-sex relations with dolphins is
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different. (laughter) let me tell you a story i never thought i'd tell anyone. i... i had an uncle, roger. he was a great guy and my mom was always saying "why can't he find a nice girl?" well, one thanksgiving he shows up to dinner a damp suit. w his roommate clicky. (laughter) you know, it was obvious to everybody, but i didn't know, i was young. (laughter) so even as a kid i found it odd that they slept in the same salt water tank, and it just... (laughter) it just breaks my heart that they could never be open about it. my uncle eventually had blow hole reassignment surgery. (audience reacts) and got caught in a tuna net. (laughter)
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so o'reilly, back off on the dolphins. but gay marriage, yeah, that's sick. (laughter) nation, i never judge a man until i've walked a mile in his ugly, stupid shoes. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) folks, i spend a lot of my time in the morning grooming. i try to be quit about it, but the guy in the mirror keeps coming on to me. (laughter) that's why i'm giving a tip of my hat to the new disposable raiser to men the schick extreme style refresh. this ain't your daddy's schick extreme three-fifths style. this one has added the word "refresh." because unlike every men's ray or that has ever come before it, this one has a scented handle that blends notes of spir mint, citrus and rosemary and evokes
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having just showered. finally you can smell something that smells like it just showered right after you've just showered. (laughter) and i say it is about damn time! i cannot tell you how many mornings i stood in my bathroom smelling my soap, a shampoo, conditioner, body wash, body spray, facial lotion, shaving cream, aftershave, and hand lotion and said "something's missing." (laughter) and the people over at schick agree with me, telling the "new york times" the razor is probably the only thing left in the shower that's not scented. bravo, gentlemen. now i can throw away my previous solution-- shaving with a box cutter duct taped to a glade plug in. (laughter and applause)
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next up, folks, i keep a close eye on americans' republican governors. they're like my children, i valls a favorite. but right now my current favorite governor is florida's rick scott and, folks, he is in trouble. >> florida's new republican governor rick scott is toxic. look at this. his approval rating is 29%. he just got into office. that's according to a quinnipiac poll. 29% for the new governor. >> stephen: 29% is low. he'd probably be doing better if he wasn't trying to kill harry potter. (laughter and applause) well, folks, the campaign promise, what can he do? it was a campaign promise. well, folks, i am not giving up on governor scott. in fact, i am going to be sending this letter of support to all the municipals in florida. it reads in part "dear editor, when rick scott ran for governor he promised to create jobs and
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turn our economy around. while politicians usually disappoint us and rarely keep their promises, rick is refreshing because he's keeping his word. rick scott deserves our unwaivering enthusiastic support. how can we expect to elect leaders who will keep their word and do what's right for our state if we don't stand up for those with the courage to set priorities, make difficult choices, and actually deliver on their promises made?" i'm so proud of this letter. which is why i'm giving a tip of my hat to governor rick scott for writing it. (laughter) you see, to boost his popularity scott courageously posted this pre-written letter of praise for himself that his supporters can sign and forward to florida newspapers. (laughter) now those anti-government tea partiers who elected rick scott can have the government write their letters for them. well, folks, i want to praise rick scott's praise of rick
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scott so i am posting a pre-written letter on for you to print out, sign, and send to florida newspapers. don't worry, i'm not putting words in your mouth. i have left blank spaces so you can fill in your real opinions of governor scott. it reads "dear editor, it is my strong belief that rick scott is a (adjective) governor." (laughter) "his letter praising himself makes me want to (verb) up. i (adverb, verb) this great nation and everyone should (action verb) rick scott with a (noun) for an (interjection) full body shave like a naked home rat. sincerely (name, city) " and i'm sure the governor will appreciate you sending these letters and i'm also posting a
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letter on my web site from rick scott saying he appreciates it. we'll be right back. (cheer ♪ [ male announcer ] when you're looking for a twist, crack open a bud light lime. ♪ it's a fraction of the hope but it's hard to control ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] the great taste of bud light, with a twist. bud light lime. all the refreshment of bud light, with a splash of 100% natural lime flavor. bud light lime. it's bud light. with a twist.
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yeah, i don't remember you from geometry. i was shy in that class. '...old vice principle, mrs. kline.' mrs k?!?! hornitos premium tequila. purer than your intentions.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. nation, before we continue, i want to invite you tuul see me live at the gelyard municipal auditorium in charleston, south carolina, to benefit the james w. colbert endowed chair at the
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university of south carolina, it's this friday, july 1 at 8:00 where i'll finally have a public forum to talk about myself on a friday. (laughter) i will be interviewed by m nbc's jonathan alter, me and alter, a fight to the death. don't tell him that part. (laughter) now, folks, i'm a big fan of tea party darling and '70s rock and roll participant ted nugent who last week wrote a powerful editorial in the "washington times" headlined "millennials sleep as their future crumbles. today's youth snooze while government steals their fortune and lives." yeah! nugent know it is thing that's going to jolt our youth awake is the newspaper industry! (laughter) you see, ted remembers the social change of the late '60s, the '68 b.m.c. convention riots, protests over the vietnam war and civil rights and he finds today's youth by comparison
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"terminally stoned on apathy." (laughter) yes, apathy! which is a gateway drug! starts with apathy, it eventually leads to crystal meh. (laughter and applause) now, nugent longs for the kind of activism he witnessed back in his day, mostly from afar as he explains "i was either squirrel hunting or putting a sharp edge on my sonic guitar slaying skills having not awakened to my we the people duties quite yet." wait, what the what? we the people duties don't include killing swirls? (laughter) i'm not as patriotic as i thought. nugent believes young people should be outraged about our massive national debt and declining standards of living exclaiming "i am stunned that they are not participating for the pea party. even rioting in the streets, clashing with the cops,
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conducting sit-ins at their colleges, interrupting political events and so on. i am not impressed with this generation, text or twitter that millennials." (laughter) well, if they won't, i will. okay. (laughter) o.m.g., nuge op-ed is gr 8, l.o.l., you suck. hashtag do what ted nugent tells you tow do. (laughter) send. might be more than 140. not sure. but, folks, in the interest of balance i'm going give the so-called millennials a chance to respond to mr. nugent's criticism in a new segment i'm calling "good point; other point." (laughter) here to take the other point position is n.y.u. art history major robin greenfield. robin, thank you so much for joining me.
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(applause) robin, ted nugent has condemned your generation as lazy and apathetic. your response. >> who's ted nugent? (laughter) >> stephen: okay, okay. okay, well... he... he made a bunch of hit records in the '70s. >> what's a record? (laughter) >> stephen: okay, it's... it's the way we used to buy music. >> buy music? (laughter) >> stephen: o.k., um, all right, he's the motor city madman. come on! ted nugent! "cat scratch fever!" bow hunting! ♪ you've got to wango tango... laugh (laughter) well, that's... that's food for thought there. still, clearly a polarizing
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issue, this has been "good point; other point." thanks to robin for... she's gone. okay. (laughter) we'll be back. (cheers and applause) [ horn honks ]
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[ indistinct conversations ]
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