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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 28, 2011 10:00am-10:30am PDT

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>> stephen: tonight, florida governor rick scott looks far way to increase his popularity. try telling everyone in boca you're their grandson. (laughter) then, ted nugent writes an op-ed. what's black and white and covered with the blood of small game? (laughter) plus, my guest is the president of americans for tax reform, grover norquist. i'm going to claim his as a dependent. (laughter) the supreme court ruled it's legal to sell silent video games to kids. get ready for grand theft tetris. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause )
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. (crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you! thank you so much. i had no idea that you guys could read cue cards. (laughter) welcome to the "report," good to have you with us, and thank you all for watching our last show before the earth swallows new york and drags it to hell. (laughter) because on friday the state legislature legalized gay marriage. now, i am not surprised governor cuomo signed the bill. it's all part of the cuomo sexual agenda. (laughter) but a new law goes into effect july 24 and mayor bloomberg has already started a new economic
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campaign called "n.y.c. i do" to make the city more gay marriage friendly starting with some slight changes to the statue of liberty. (laughter) folks, i am not happy for gays that this law passed. i'm very sad. or heterosexual. (laughter) because this law is already destroying traditional marriage. anything goes now. bigamy, polygamy, trig no, ma'am tri. (laughter) the ancient greeks invented it, it's got to be gay. (laughter) folks... and i'll tell you, it can't come as a surprise, bill o'reilly tried to warn us. >> one of the arguments against gay marriage is that if it becomes law all other alternative marital visions will be allowed. you could have married a duck. you want to marry a turtle you can. a british woman married a
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dolphin. and there is one more thing, the dolphin is a female. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: folks, let me be clear about something, o'reilly is right. gays, lesbians, ducks, turtles, all the same. (laughter) because there's no one in my family like that, but same-sex relations with dolphins is different. (laughter) let me tell you a story i never thought i'd tell anyone. i... i had an uncle, roger. he was a great guy and my mom was always saying "why can't he find a nice girl?" well, one thanksgiving he shows up to dinner a damp suit. w his roommate clicky. (laughter) you know, it was obvious to
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everybody, but i didn't know, i was young. (laughter) so even as a kid i found it odd that they slept in the same salt water tank, and it just... (laughter) it just breaks my heart that they could never be open about it. my uncle eventually had blow hole reassignment surgery. (audience reacts) and got caught in a tuna net. (laughter) so o'reilly, back off on the dolphins. but gay marriage, yeah, that's sick. (laughter) nation, i never judge a man until i've walked a mile in his ugly, stupid shoes. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) folks, i spend a lot of my time
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in the morning grooming. i try to be quit about it, but the guy in the mirror keeps coming on to me. (laughter) that's why i'm giving a tip of my hat to the new disposable raiser to men the schick extreme style refresh. this ain't your daddy's schick extreme three-fifths style. this one has added the word "refresh." because unlike every men's ray or that has ever come before it, this one has a scented handle that blends notes of spir mint, citrus and rosemary and evokes having just showered. finally you can smell something that smells like it just showered right after you've just showered. (laughter) and i say it is about damn time! i cannot tell you how many mornings i stood in my bathroom smelling my soap, a shampoo, conditioner, body wash, body spray, facial lotion, shaving cream, aftershave, and hand lotion and said "something's
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missing." (laughter) and the people over at schick agree with me, telling the "new york times" the razor is probably the only thing left in the shower that's not scented. bravo, gentlemen. now i can throw away my previous solution-- shaving with a box cutter duct taped to a glade plug in. (laughter and applause) next up, folks, i keep a close eye on americans' republican governors. they're like my children, i valls a favorite. but right now my current favorite governor is florida's rick scott and, folks, he is in trouble. >> florida's new republican governor rick scott is toxic. look at this. his approval rating is 29%. he just got into office. that's according to a quinnipiac
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poll. 29% for the new governor. >> stephen: 29% is low. he'd probably be doing better if he wasn't trying to kill harry potter. (laughter and applause) well, folks, the campaign promise, what can he do? it was a campaign promise. well, folks, i am not giving up on governor scott. in fact, i am going to be sending this letter of support to all the municipals in florida. it reads in part "dear editor, when rick scott ran for governor he promised to create jobs and turn our economy around. while politicians usually disappoint us and rarely keep their promises, rick is refreshing because he's keeping his word. rick scott deserves our unwaivering enthusiastic support. how can we expect to elect leaders who will keep their word and do what's right for our state if we don't stand up for those with the courage to set priorities, make difficult choices, and actually deliver on their promises made?"
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i'm so proud of this letter. which is why i'm giving a tip of my hat to governor rick scott for writing it. (laughter) you see, to boost his popularity scott courageously posted this pre-written letter of praise for himself that his supporters can sign and forward to florida newspapers. (laughter) now those anti-government tea partiers who elected rick scott can have the government write their letters for them. well, folks, i want to praise rick scott's praise of rick scott so i am posting a pre-written letter on for you to print out, sign, and send to florida newspapers. don't worry, i'm not putting words in your mouth. i have left blank spaces so you can fill in your real opinions of governor scott. it reads "dear editor, it is my strong belief that rick scott is a (adjective) governor."
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(laughter) "his letter praising himself makes me want to (verb) up. i (adverb, verb) this great nation and everyone should (action verb) rick scott with a (noun) for an (interjection) full body shave like a naked home rat. sincerely (name, city) " and i'm sure the governor will appreciate you sending these letters and i'm also posting a letter on my web site from rick scott saying he appreciates it. we'll be right back. (cheer
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right now, go to priceline for a sneak peek at recent winning and better than ever! hotel bids to find where you can save up to 60% on hotels. we'll even email you other people's winning bids, so you'll know what price to name. with new hotel bid alerts, from priceline. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. nation, before we continue, i want to invite you tuul see me live at the gelyard municipal auditorium in charleston, south carolina, to benefit the james w. colbert endowed chair at the university of south carolina, it's this friday, july 1 at 8:00 where i'll finally have a public forum to talk about myself on a friday. (laughter) i will be interviewed by m nbc's
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jonathan alter, me and alter, a fight to the death. don't tell him that part. (laughter) now, folks, i'm a big fan of tea party darling and '70s rock and roll participant ted nugent who last week wrote a powerful editorial in the "washington times" headlined "millennials sleep as their future crumbles. today's youth snooze while government steals their fortune and lives." yeah! nugent know it is thing that's going to jolt our youth awake is the newspaper industry! (laughter) you see, ted remembers the social change of the late '60s, the '68 b.m.c. convention riots, protests over the vietnam war and civil rights and he finds today's youth by comparison "terminally stoned on apathy." (laughter) yes, apathy! which is a gateway drug! starts with apathy, it
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eventually leads to crystal meh. (laughter and applause) now, nugent longs for the kind of activism he witnessed back in his day, mostly from afar as he explains "i was either squirrel hunting or putting a sharp edge on my sonic guitar slaying skills having not awakened to my we the people duties quite yet." wait, what the what? we the people duties don't include killing swirls? (laughter) i'm not as patriotic as i thought. nugent believes young people should be outraged about our massive national debt and declining standards of living exclaiming "i am stunned that they are not participating for the pea party. even rioting in the streets, clashing with the cops, conducting sit-ins at their colleges, interrupting political events and so on. i am not impressed with this generation, text or twitter that millennials." (laughter) well, if they won't, i will.
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okay. (laughter) o.m.g., nuge op-ed is gr 8, l.o.l., you suck. hashtag do what ted nugent tells you tow do. (laughter) send. might be more than 140. not sure. but, folks, in the interest of balance i'm going give the so-called millennials a chance to respond to mr. nugent's criticism in a new segment i'm calling "good point; other point." (laughter) here to take the other point position is n.y.u. art history major robin greenfield. robin, thank you so much for joining me. (applause) robin, ted nugent has condemned your generation as lazy and apathetic. your response.
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>> who's ted nugent? (laughter) >> stephen: okay, okay. okay, well... he... he made a bunch of hit records in the '70s. >> what's a record? (laughter) >> stephen: okay, it's... it's the way we used to buy music. >> buy music? (laughter) >> stephen: o.k., um, all right, he's the motor city madman. come on! ted nugent! "cat scratch fever!" bow hunting! ♪ you've got to wango tango... laugh (laughter) well, that's... that's food for thought there. still, clearly a polarizing issue, this has been "good point; other point." thanks to robin for... she's gone. okay. (laughter) we'll be back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the president of americans for tax reform. he is not going to like my 45% guest tax. please welcome grover norquist. (cheers and applause) >> good to see you, steven. >> stephen: three years, something like that?
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>> exactly about three years, yeah. >> stephen: good to see you again. now, sir, for some of the people who may not know what americans for tax reform is, explain what the purpose of your organization is. >> first of all, we ask all candidates for office to sign a pledge not to raise taxes then we let voters know who's willing to make that commitment and who does or doesn't live by it. >> stephen: how long have you been doing that? >> 20 years. >> stephen: really. >> yup. >> stephen: and you've got it on record. is this the pledge right here? >> that's the pledge. >> stephen: so they take this pledge and you've got a record of them having taken the pledge and if they back out on this pledge? >> well.... >> stephen: it's hammer time! >> the american people, they're actual voters. the pledge is not to americans for tax reform, it's the the voters of their state and the american people. and people hold them responsible. george herbert walker bush, bush 41 had a fairly reasonablely successful presidency. he ended the cold war without a lot of blood on the floor. >> stephen: absolutely. >> got iraq out of kuwait without occupying the place for
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the next 12 years and he had one small problem and this is that he raised taxes when he promised he wouldn't. and he lost his job. >> stephen: did he sign this? >> he did, indeed, yeah. >> stephen: did you wave this bloody shirt during that campaign to bring that guy down? >> i didn't need to. the american people did. >> stephen: did you show the american people the shirt? (laughter) did you distribute this to everyone in america? how do they get this? >> the media lets people know and voters know. so we share the pledge, obviously. since you took the pledge three years ago when you were looking to possibly run for president.... >> stephen: looking to run a run? i ran for president, sir. (laughter) and it was only... (cheers and applause) and it's only that i was not allowed to that obama's not in office today. (laughter) >> since then we now have 236 members of the u.s. house who've made the commitment not to raise taxes. 41 senators and for that
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reason... 13 governors as well as 1,200 state legislators. >> stephen: can people say "i won't raise taxes" without signing this pledge? because they can say to the american people "hey, i'm not going to raise taxes" and is that good enough for you? >> well, a lot of politicians for the last 200 years have said "i won't raise taxes" or "i'd prefer not to raise taxes, it would be a last resort." >> stephen: i love my wife... >> ...however. (laughter) people tend not to trust that which is why not only do we have in the writing but we have two witnesses, it's dated and we keep hit in the safe. >> stephen: anybody this year you want to get that you haven't gotten yet? >> on the pledge, we have all the republicans running for the pledge right now either signed or committed to except huntsman is the one who hasn't yet. >> stephen: what? really? (laughter) >> he just started. cut him some slack. >> stephen: wouldn't you recommend people do this first? >> we do urge people sign early, not necessarily often, but early yes. (laughter) we'll get there.
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>> stephen: let's do the pledge again because i remember it. i pledge to the taxpayers of the united states of naeshg i will oppose and veto any and all efforts to increase taxes. >> fairly simple. >> stephen: i've got to say, grover, i don't see "under god" anywhere in this pledge. (laughter) how can bit a proper pledge if it doesn't say "under god"? >> well, you could add that if you'd like but otherwise it's not up to... (laughter and applause) >> stephen: now, would you sign my pledge that you will add "under god" to your pledge? >> we'll take it under advisement. we haven't changed in the 24 years. >> stephen: sir, what's wrong with "under god"? >> nothing's wrong.... >> stephen: by god, of course, we mean jesus. (laughter) people of all faiths are encouraged to sign the pledge. >> stephen: really? >> the reason it's important not to raise taxes is only if people
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take pledge not to raise taxes do you even get a conversation about reigning in spending and overspeding is the problem that we have both in d.c. and in all 50 state capitals. >> stephen: now, you support the republicans walking out on the negotiations with the democrats recently, right? because we've got the debt ceiling coming up, we can't make our ends meet come august 3, something like that, ballpark it? >> yeah. >> stephen: that's when we default. are you in favor-- as i am-- of defaulting on our debts, changing our names and moving to canada? (laughter) >> that's not a strategy i'd thought of. i was sort of going for the original one which is only an increase of the debt of $2 trillion, which is what barack obama wants if we get $2 trillion in spending reduction in a serious and real form. >> stephen: okay, i'm going to ask you a trick question. >> sure. >> stephen: i hope you have the right answer. is there any time and any circumstance under which raising taxes would be the right thing to do?
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>> no. >> stephen: good answer. (laughter) okay. now let's amp it up a little bit. okay? terrorists have kidnapped all of our grandmothers. (laughter) they've got them in a subterranean borrow which you know they have and all of our grandmothers have been slathered with honey and they're going to release fire ants into this borough that will bite our grandmothers to death. their only demandd is that we increase the marginal tax rate on the top 2% of americans and we will release them. (laughter) do we increase the tax rate or do we let our grandmothers die by ant bite? (laughter) >> i think we console ourselves with the fact that we have pictures. (audience reacts) >> stephen: no, that's the right answer. the man signed a pledge. grandmothers be damned! he signed a pledge. grover, thank you so much. (applause) the president of americans for
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tax reform under god, grover norquist. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) 
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ice breakers mints with icy-cool flavor crystals. ice breakers. stay cool. right now, go to priceline for a sneak peek at recent winning and better than ever! hotel bids to find where you can save up to 60% on hotels. we'll even email you other people's winning bids, so you'll know what price to name. with new hotel bid alerts, from priceline. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: good night!