Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 29, 2011 2:30am-3:00am PDT

2:30 am
[cheering and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. tom hanks will be in the studio. here it, is your moment of zen. >> tonight i am going to tell you that jon stewart, because of what he did, is a racist. i don't believe that, but i'm goingcaptioning sponsored by comedy >> stephen: tonight, big news for wal-mart, not wal-mart big but big. and then animals respond to advertising. you know what they say? leg humping sells. [laughter] and my guest alexandra pelosi made a documentary about immigrants becoming u.s. citizens. i'm going to watch it backwards and make them all leave the country. [laughter] the pope wrote his first tweet today. he is truly the vessel through
2:31 am
which god wastes time. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert repor captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. very kind. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] thank you, very kind. nation- [cheers and applause] i don't know actually -- thank you, please, please.
2:32 am
please -- i have to -- i don't honestly know why i fight you. i like it more than talking. nation, as an american, i demand choice! whether it's 23 flavors of pringles or eight republican presidential candidates. i demand nine. let's find out if that guy with a mustache is a republican. but until senator potato dust declares my front runner is michele bachmann because she is full of surprises. she stunned everyone when during the first president presidentiae she announced she is running for president. then she astonished everyone when on her bachmann for president web site she announces bachmann for president. but yesterday, folk, came the greatest shock of all when she
2:33 am
confirmed what the two previous official announcements only officially hinted at. >> it's so great to be here in iowa and even better to be here in waterloo where i was born. my name is michele bachmann. i stand here in the midst of many friends and many family members to announce formally my candidacy for president of the united states. >> stephen: she announced her candidacy from waterloo, a name synonymous with victory. [laughter] [cheers and applause] somebody won that battle, right? this fine lady wasted no time buttering up the people of iowa, not easy because i believe iowans come pre-buttered. jim? >> i often say everything i need to know i learned in iowa. >> stephen: republican, she left iowa at age 12 and has had
2:34 am
the courage not to learn anything since. [laughter] of course, some people -- good-looking lady. some people don't know michele bachmann so she told fox news everything she wants us to know. >> what i want them to know is just like johnway was from waterlao, iowa, that's the spirit i have too. >> stephen: she has the spirit of john wayne but the critics couldn't wait to it in pick on a detail. >> johnway is from iowa but three hours away. there's a john wayne from waterloo but it's john wayne gacy. >> stephen: sexual serial killer is from waterloo but that's sem mantics. bachmann said she misspoke.
2:35 am
that's a big mistake. no retreat, nor is rounder. -- surrender. it's day one. don't show weakness. what on earth are you apologizing for. all you said is you have the same spirit as john wayne gacy and there's something to that because like gacy people might think you are a clown but if they dig a little deeper they'll find you are deadly serious. come on, you are a republican. you don't stumble on facts. you double down. in the only doll you have the spirit of john wayne gacy, you've got the eyes of a young charles manson. [cheers and applause] nation, class action lawsuits
2:36 am
are so destructive to our country. they crippled our nation's once thriving asbestos industry. now those pour asbestos ranchers are out of work. and they needed those jobs they have a lot of medical bills to pay. there's a new go liage under assault from a gang of blood thirsty davids and it brings us to tonight's word: too big to nail. wal-mart faces a class action lawsuit from 1.5 million female employees alleging years of gender discrimination. according to the plaintiffs, women make up 70% of wal-mart's hourly employees but only hold a third of management jobs plus the female managers earn $16,000 less than their male counterparts. i don't know why the women are upset. wall smart slashing costs and passing the savings on to them. [laughter] if they lost the suit, wal-mart would have owed more than $1
2:37 am
billion in back pay. to cover that they would have to raise the prize on everything including dr. thunder, their dr. pepper knockoff. [laughter] now, maybe -- maybe these women were discriminated against, maybe they weren't. we'll never know because the supreme court understood the real issue here and did the right thing. >> the supreme court threw out the case ruling that the class was too varied. wal-mart's 1.5 million female employees quote "held a multitude after different jobs at difficult levels for variable lengths of times in stores sprinkled across 50 states." >> stephen: good point. the wal-mart is in florida is completely different than the wal-mart in arkansas. jimmy, i think you have those two mixed up. there you go. [laughter] the point is: it's not the single largest private employer
2:38 am
in the united states repeatedly violating these women's rights. it's 3400 completely independent locations individually violating their rights in different unique ways. [laughter] in fact, each sexual discrimination is like an individual snowflake. besides, wal-mart as a whole can't be responsible because wal-mart's lead attorney the company -- quote -- "has a very strong policy against discrimination and in favor of diversity." it's right there in the employee manual next to employees must wash hands. if you are one of these women, don't worry, the court says it's still okay for you to sue wal-mart. just be sure you hire the best legal team an $8 an hour cashier can buy.
2:39 am
[laughter] because thanks to the supreme court, you will have to sue them as an individual, but the $420 billion corporation gets to fight you as a team. and you know what, folks, now that i think of it that doesn't seem fair. if we're not allowed to gang up on the corporations then the individuals shouldn't be allowed to sue at all but what is an individual but a gang of greedy organs? if women make on average 75% of what a man makes, then only the 258% of her -- 258% of her -- 25% of here discriminated against should be allowed to sue. same for sexual harassment. only the harassed part of a woman's body should have legal standing. i say bravo supreme court for truly granting seal equality in the work place because from now
2:40 am
on men and women will be equally powerless against giant corporations and
2:41 am
2:42 am
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much.
2:43 am
nation, folks -- i'm not telling any tales outs of school here. it's no secret that our economy is in the dumpster because our economy knows the dumpster is where you can sometimes find old must have fins. consume -- muffins. consumer spending is down and we're in danger of a crippling double dip recession. which is terrible because if we double dip it will have the first recessions saliva all over it. [laughter] science has found the secret to getting this economy moving again. [laughter] monkeys, monkeys, monkeys! yes, monkeys. after recent experiments proved that monkeys can be trained to understand and news money, a team of researchers decided to create the first advertising campaign for nonhuman pry mates. this is brilliant because monkeys have to watch
2:44 am
advertising. they haven't developed the tivo yet. they are still stuck at poking the channel change button with a termite stick. [laughter] to prove advertising works on monkeys, the team creates two brands of jell-o, one of them advertised by a billboard campaign that hangs outside the monkey's enclesh sure. i believe it will work. we know one product is marketed to nonhuman pry -- primates, summer movies. >> oh, no! >> i'm going to hurl! ♪ [laughter] >> stephen: this is a targeted campaign that will use images that appeal to primates with photos of the alpha male of troop as well as a graphic shot of a female monkey with her
2:45 am
genitals exposed. i hope they keep it taste wfl none of air brushed or injected stuff just beautiful, natural monkey vaginas. [laughter] because -- [ applause ] -- thank you. because the last thing we want is for these ads to create unrealistic standards of genital engeorgement for those young females out there. they are under enough pressure as it is to raise a family and eat the ticks off of it. as a superior species this experiment will teach us nothing about ourselves. human advertising works on a sew sophisticated level. for example. i buy diet pepsi for very urgent reasons that i don't understand. [laughter] the point is we need a boost to the economy, monkeys are suckers and thanks to this ad campaign
2:46 am
soon we'll have all their monkey money just by showing them billboards like this. [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughter] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
2:47 am
[ male announcer ] introducing mgd 64 lemonade. 64 calories of beer with a refreshing lemonade twist. because the best kind of lemonade, is beer lemonade.
2:48 am
new mgd 64 lemonade. refreshingly light. wow, that sure comes in a tiny glass. oh no no i have giant hands. i'm very manly in the hand area. you know mgd 64 only has 64 calories. whoa, that feels better. yeah.
2:49 am
>> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight made a documentary about the making of a u.s. citizen. i know how you do that. i learned it in health class. please welcome alexandra pelosi. [cheers and applause] nice to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephen: thanks for coming on. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: you are an emmy-winning film maker.
2:50 am
you made journeys with george, diaries of a political tourist, right america. feeling wrong. your new documentary starting when? >> fourth of july, of course. >> stephen: citizen u.s.a. you documented people all over the united states being sworn in to become u.s. citizens. >> did you read it? >> stephen: no. >> yes, i went to all 50 states to meet new american citizens to find out why they wanted to become american citizens. >> stephen: to steal our jobs. [laughter] right? >> they actually bring jobs, too. there are people with ph.ds. not just people swimming the river. there are people with ph.d's. a man from google he wasn't born here. >> stephen: he wasn't. >> no they don't all steal our jobs. >> stephen: which ones do you
2:51 am
hate? >> i like the dutch because my husband is dutch. he inspired the road trip. >> stephen: he was not an american citizen and became an american citizen. >> we had kids and he felt like he had to belong because they can take your green card away. he thought after we had kids he had to protect the kids to make sure they had the same rights. i like the dutch, yeah. >> stephen: when he became an american citizen, did he have to stop smoking pot? >> no, actually. >> stephen: dutch people are always high. it's legal there. >> it's legal in california and we're bycoastal so it works. >> stephen: good to know. that's an excellent advertisement for your mom. will you please ask your mom to take her boot off the neck off the democrats in congress so they can talk to me on my series? >> i could be ball. how much money does your
2:52 am
superpac have. >> stephen: does she watch the show? >> she's watching right now. are you scared? does that make you scared? >> stephen: nancy, call off the dogs! all right. [laughter] let's get back to this. when someone becomes an american citizen, can you see it happen? because seconds before they were a citizen, they were completely untrustworthy, free loaders who were here to take the jobs americans don't want to do. that second -- that second they become an american, they are the greatest bravest people on earth. do you see it happen? do you see that moment? >> you can see it because they pledge allegiance -- they'll go to war. they renounce the citizenship of their home country and they pledge that they'll serve the country. you've never been to one, have you? >> stephen: no, no, no.
2:53 am
i wanted to go to one. you and i planned i was going to swear in 15 different people and make them citizens. honest to god part of fourth of july celebration. >> because you love america. >> stephen: i am america did. >> but the government doesn't love you as much as you love them. >> stephen: homeland security said it was okay. who shot us down? >> the white house. >>. i thought you were going to blame it on nancy pelosi. there's one thing we can't blame on her. >> stephen: no, no, no barack obama said i can't do it. in between working on the debt ceiling someone came charging to the oval office and he hit the red button to stop me. there's a test? >> you have to be a person of good moral character. have you now or have you ever been a member of communist party have you ever been a had a by the you'll drunkard? >> stephen: go on.
2:54 am
how many people did you see take the taste? >> many. i went to all 50 states. >> stephen: that sounds less look a documentary and more like a dare. is it different from state to state how they swear people in? >> i wanted to find out. i want to all 50 states to find out why people still come to america. >> stephen: is the ceremony different in different states? >> yes. >>. >> stephen:? arizona they make you a citizen and then ask for your papers? >> [laughter] >> it's more about the entertainment. in some states they have better entertainment. >> stephen: they have better entertainment? >> yes. at the circus in one state and a ballpark. >> stephen: wait a second, the white house was worried i wouldn't give this the diggity required and they do it at a circus? >> in washington, d.c. they did it in a circus. what does that say about you?
2:55 am
[laughter] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: you said afterwards they go celebrate. you've been to one particular restaurant more than any other because after people get swosh sworn in they go to the same restaurant. >> olive garden. i went to olive garden in all 50 states except alaska. i don't know that they have it there. >> stephen: they get sworn in and go to the olive guard ton test their -- garden to test their resolve to stay. alexandra pelosi, thank you so much. >> thank you. >> stephen: it debuts
2:56 am
2:57 am
to '01. yeah, i don't remember you from geometry. i was shy in that class. '...old vice principle, mrs. kline.' mrs k?!?! hornitos premium tequila. purer than your intentions.
2:58 am
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: oh, hello. [cheers and applause] before we sign off, ladies and
2:59 am
gentlemen, i'd like to end the show on an upbeat note: debt. recent -- death. recently the inventor of teleprompter passed away at 91. his device revolutionized the news business before. teleprompters came along newsmen needed to know what wear talking about. i rerye heavily on a teleprompter and not just at work. how else i could remember my wife's name. i just called her lady me. you'll be sorely missed. don't stop reading this, newsman it's me hubert, i programmed this to be displayed on my death. investigate my arch people nemes finnous cue card. i destroyed his career and wiped