tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central July 6, 2011 2:05am-2:35am PDT
to the tourist community, to the visitors to this great land of ours. if you've been here eight months, you live here. you live here. you're not from venezuela. [cheering and applause] donde esta you're mine. seven years of spanish, all i remember. [laughter] donde esta. let's begin tonight perhaps in america, the land of opportunity, where the streets are paved with let's say cinnabuns. [laughter] and yet we are nation besieged with problems, problems we must solve. problem number one, our gooey, rat-infested cinnabun-paved streets. why did we do that? that was a dopey material to pave our streets with. [laughter] we're going to need common-sense
solutions to our problems if we're not just going to win the future but make sure that everyone else loses it. [laughter] let's start with a simple problem: mexican drug cartels. [laughter] they're engaged in a bloody campaign of death and destruction, often fueled by assaulted rifles. their gun runners cross our borders to easily purchase. i assume a couple possible solutions might be improve our border security, restrict rifle sales to non-mexican drug car tell members. [laughter] let's see what our own bureau of alcohol, tobacco & firearms has come up with. >> it's a government program called "operation fast and furious." >> u.s. firearms agents say superior officers specifically told them not to intervene as they secretly watched while gun runners purchased illegal firearms in the united states and sent them to mexico. >> the a.t.f. officials thought, if we could just track these guns and see where they're
going, maybe we can arrest the cartel leaders who are using these guns. >> jon: maybe. [laughter] or... [laughter] so once these drug cartel runners took the guns to mexico, how do we know what happened to the guns? >> i can tell you that after a trip to radioshack with a.t.f. funds, i myself manufactured a g.p.s. tracking device that would fit inside the handling of an a.k. variant rifle. [laughter] >> jon: jon stewart, "the daily show." i have a quick question. as a frequent radioshack customer, i may be qualified to tell you what may be an issue with your plan, but go ahead. >> the problem with it was the limited battery life. [laughter and applause]
>> jon: see, the batteries at radioshack are designed to work with one of those little remote control helicopters that work... once. [laughter] so now that we know the g.p.s. tracking system for the assault rifles we sold mexican cartels didn't work, how do we find out where the guns are? what is plan "b"? >> the only way you're going to find those guns in mexico is where? >> at crime scenes in which either the bad guy was killed and his gun was left at the scene or used during the commission of a crime in which the gun was left behind. >> jon: okay. [laughter] so our plan to prevent american guns from being used in mexican gang violence is to provide mexican gangs american guns. [laughter] to use according to our plan. [laughter] how exactly did we convince the mexican government to cooperate
in this, let's call it "a plan." >> they weren't cooperating partly because they didn't know about it. they were never informed that this operation was taking place. [laughter] [laughter] >> jon: if mexico isn't cooperating, even if there was violence where the guns was left behind, how would we find... you know what, never mind. if this is the plan that they went with, what plan did we reject? [laughter] hey, i got it, let's put a tiny microphone in every bullet. [laughter] and we hope that when the bad guys, the criminals, you know, when thrier shooting people, they say their name, like nobody [bleeped] with alonzo gutierrez. you know what i mean? i'm going to assume this was
some little-brain, giant-balls idea coming out of the a.t.f. office. the a.t.f.'s responsible adults like their acting director ken melson, he didn't know. >> memos released last week show that melson not only knew about operation "fast and furious," but he got weekly briefings. >> the acting director of the a.t.f. has set up a video feed in his office so he could watch some of those straw buys taking place. >> jon: you're baiting me. [laughter] so the head of the a.t.f. didn't just know about this plan, he was tivo-ing it. [laughter] well, not to worry, folks, the house oversight committee has launched an investigation, and the department of justice, of which the a.t.f. is a subsidiary, is fully cooperating with it. they handed in a 900-page report to the congressional committee detailing the entire buying of assault rifles operation. >> sir, if you're going to count pages like this as discovery,
you should be ashamed of yourself. the pages go on like this forever. you have given us black paper instead of white paper. you might of well has given us a ream still in its original binder. >> jon: what? no, no, you don't get it. you're upset? they gave you... those are prized mondrians from his famed black period. they're priceless. i mean worthless. actually, you know what, let's check something. if we run a graphics filter to remove the redaction, maybe we can see what the d.o.j. is hiding. ah. we'll be right back. [c : could switching to geico really save you 15% or more
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as it turns out, i was misinformed. which should not have been surprising, because i do watch a lot of fox news. dammit! i did it again. wait. [applause] don't applaud my ignorance. politifact, the non-partisan fact-checking guy or guys or girl, thoroughly researched my state, and they found that while in two of the news survey, fox news viewers scored the lowest, in other polls they were merely near the bottom. [laughter] some of fox news individual shows scored as more informed of let's say viewers of, i don't know, this show. so thanks for fact [bleeped] me, stoners. get a job!
[applause] we can't all teach world history. anyway, ultimately politifact declared my statement false. i defer to their judgment, and i apologize for my mistake. to not do so would be irresponsible. if i were to continue to make such mistakes and misstatements and not correct them, especially if each and every one of those misstatements happened to go in one very particular direction on the political spectrum, well, that would undermine the very integrity and credibility that i work so hard to pretend to care about. laftd [laughter] hey, i know political fact checks mostly political statement, but has politifact ever checked fox for false statements? i'm hearing they have. [laughter] here's one now.
fox said less than 10% of obama's cabinet appointees have worked in the private sector. politifact says that's false. fox said the white house political director once served as right-hand man to the acorn chief. politifact says false. texas board of education may eliminate references to christmas and the constitution from textbooks. boy, that sounds scary. politifact says false. [laughter] health care reform is a government takeover of health care. i remember that one. [laughter] that one was all over fox. they were running wild on that one. hey, this is exciting. that was the politifact 2010 lie of the year. congratulations, guys. [cheering and applause] congratulations. by the way, the correction for that one was issued, oh, when monkeys flew out of vidal sassoon's ass. that's random. where were we?
the muslim brotherhood has openly stated they want to declare war on israel. false. american troops have never been under the formal control of another nation. that sounds bad. false. florida republican, governor rick scott's approval ratings are up. false. it's getting a little crowded. massachusetts health care plan is wildly unpopular among state residents. false. there's been more debt under obama than all other presidents combined. false. the health care bill includes death panels. wow, that was the 2009 politifact lie of the year. wow. [applause] fox news is like a lying dynasty. they're like the new england patriots of lying. without the "patriot" part because i think we know patriots cannot tell a lie. wow. i'm getting tired. i think i'm going to have to have a snack here, a little trail mix. protein and fruit.
it gives you that energy burst to climb mount fib. [laughter] cash for clunkers will give government complete access to your home computer. false. halting gulf drilling costs $8 billion a day in imports. that one got a "pants on fire" rating. that's like the filet mignon of [bleeped]. democrats plan largest tax increase in history. false. eric holder was involved in the dismissal of criminal charges against new black panthers. false. obama voted present in the u.s. senate quite often. false. white house science advisor john holdren proposed forced abortions and putting sterilants in drinking water. [laughter] pants on fire. labor union president andy stern is the most frequent visitor at white house. false. america is the only country with automatic citizenship upon birth. false. o'reilly never called george tiller a baby killer, only reporting what others called him. false. only fox news picked up that anita dunn said mao was one of her favorite philosophers. false. nobody at fox news ever said you're going to jail if you don't buy health insurance.
so i'll know what they're doing while they're doing it, even when i travel. i'll have to act surprised when they tell me stuff. i don't have a good surprised face. maybe i can look up videos of surprised people on my new phone for reference. yep, i really want that phone. now on america's largest, st reliabxr high-speed network. verizon.
welcome back to my guest tonight, an actress, her new film is called "bad teacher." >> hey, welcome back. a bunch of us are going out tonight to see period five play. do you want to come? >> period five? >> yeah, the teacher band. >> i rather get shot in the face. >> hey. >> hey! >> so are you guys coming to the palace tonight. my band's going to do a few songs. >> you're in period five.
>> you're looking at the new rhythm guitarist and back-up vocalist. should be fun. >> should be amazing. lynn, you want to come. >> yes, yes. >> jon: please welcome back to the program cameron diaz. [cheering and applause] hello, young lady. >> good to be here. >> jon: nice to see you. >> thank you, thank you. [cheering and applause] >> jon: pleasure to have you on the show again. >> it's so great to see you. i'm always so happy when i get asked back to come. >> jon: we're very excited to have you here because this is a special occasion. >> it is a special occasion. >> jon: about two weeks ago i had stitches in the wrist. you have very graciously offered to perform a destitching. >> yes, i've offered my skills as a professional. >> jon: now you are not in any way... you are not a doctor? are you a doctor? >> define if i am... i played a
teacher. >> jon: okay. so here's what you need to do. you know what, you're promoting this movie all around,,'s going to know about it, great movie, blah, blah, blah, but what you want to do here, this is what i called the doctor today, and he said that you can do this. hold on, let's move this out, there you go. you see it. really, that grosses you out? you just spent like five hours standing on 11th avenue in new york city. [laughter and applause] there you go. now, you said first thing you want to do is sterilize it, so i'm assuming that... >> i'm glad you called him and asked him because i would never have sterilize them. >> jon: is that true? >> never. why would you? they're clean, aren't they? >> jon: i guess to prevent typhoid. >> of course you sterilize them. every professional knows that. >> jon: as you're doing this... >> do you think i've never done this before? >> jon: i do kind of think you've never done this before. >> i have done this before.
>> jon: so you are a doctor. >> i am a doctor. >> jon: wait, move your head because people want to see. >> oh, sorry. [laughter] >> jon: do you need to be able to see it when you do it? tell me about your movie. mother [bleeped]! okay. all right. [laughter] that was a good one. the first one is a good one. >> did it really hurt? >> jon: new york i was just kidding. i was trying to create like drama or something like that. >> wait. hold on a second. what are these tweezers. >> oh, i use those for my unibrow. >> hold on. i got it. >> jon: why are your hands shaking? okay. that doesn't feel good. okay. cool. >> that's first one. >> jon: that's first one. >> okay. so elizabeth, she's a horrible person. >> jon: really? >> she doesn't care about anybody but herself. >> jon: right. >> i don't know if these are ready to come out, to tell you the truth. who got these scissors? >> jon: i made them. >> you made them?
>> jon: out of a schiv i had. >> they should be really super pointy. >> jon: i know. >> my mouth is salivating. >> jon: is that true? >> i'm frothing at the mouth i'm so excited. >> jon: can you do me favor? can you not drool on my hand because i don't think that is considered sanitary. >> i promise i won't. this is from preschool when they cut into cardboard, like construction paper. i need something with a point for god's sake. it's bluptd. >> jon: i don't have a series of surgical instruments here. >> wait, didn't we know we were doing this? >> jon: i didn't think of it. >> i was so excited. >> jon: i thought, wouldn't it be funny if cameron cut out my stitches, and clearly i was wrong. [laughter] so is this movie... >> are you... >> jon: just pull it. >> i can't pull it. >> jon: it's not coming. i'll do it. >> get out of here. this is no scissor. this scissor actually doesn't cut. >> jon: it's blunt.
dig it in there. that's the way to get it. >> does anybody have a pair of scissors on them? no, no, no, don't pull it. >> jon: that's coming. >> if you don't cut the other end, you're going to pull the whole loop and it's going to take the flesh. >> jon: isn't this awesome? hey, can i ask you guys a question? >> got it. i had to unknot it with it. hold on. next one is... >> jon: maaaa. >> i'm just going to untie these. >> jon: what? [laughter] >> jon: you can't untie them. >> no, no, no, it's going to be untied. >> jon: your just going to untie them. >> i'm just going to untie them. >> jon: just reopen the wound. >> not yet. oh, i got it. >> jon: oh, yeah. >> oh, yeah. >> jon: that's... okay. yeah, that's nice. you know what's nice about that? that one actually really hurt. >> did it really?
>> jon: a little bit. let me cut the top off and then you can pull them out. so wait. tell me about this movie, and why it was... >> you're really bumming me out because i can't... that's my job. >> jon: yeah. there's plenty in there for you, too. there you go. wait. did it work. can you pull that out? can i tell you something? this is why talk shows plan conversation. >> got it. [laughter] >> jon: because at a certain point, it really is just all about a surgical procedure. i clearly did not cut that one. >> no, cut that one. the great thing about this is we are not... oh, good job. >> jon: thanks, brother. >> we're almost done. we're almost done. >> jon: we have to do one more otherwise people will be like, dude, throw it on the web. >> i'll hold it up, you snip it. >> jon: can i tell you something? i think that's it. tell me when your movie is opening.
>> it's the 24th, on friday. >> jon: tell me how awesome it is. okay. almost. >> the scissors are... you got it. you got it. you got it. oh. hold on, hold on. >> jon: i can't believe there's actual suspense building. all right. pull it out. [cheering and applause] "bad teacher" opens on friday. cameron diaz. ♪ the snakeskin jacket. it's not right for every occasion. unless of course you find yourself attending a secret off-shore charity snake fighting event. there are some things best saved for the right occasion.
i was worried about 'em, you know? i mean for instance my mom went to bed tonight before making my dinner. which is fine, i mean i, i know how to make dinner. it just starts to make you wonder. is this what happens when you age? my friends used to say i was the lucky one. i had the fun parents. where's the fun now? night, guys. [ sighs ] ♪ [ male announcer ] toyota venza. keep on rolling.
>> jon: that's all for today's dr. oz show. [laughter] join me tomorrow when i have an abscess drained. [laughter] by catherine zeta-jones. here it is, your moment of zen. [babies crying] >> you okay, baby? >> they're fighting over a bottle. >> oh, no. oh. >> oh, yeah. >> can i get a quick picture? >> come on. captioning sponsoredy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org