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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 1, 2011 9:30am-10:00am PDT

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>> in tough economic times ople crave that escape to captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) snup welcome to the "report," everybody. (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen")
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>> good to have you with us, america! or should i say ghoul to have you with us ascareica! nation, i love... thank you. nation, i love halloween. every year i sit on my porch with a big bowl of candy and a rake and i tell the kids if they want a treat they have to work for it. no free rides, a rapunzel. oh, and cut your hair, hippy. (laughter) folks, every year i am appalled by the latest debasing costumes for women. like sexy pirate, sexy bunny or sexy ketchup. (laughter) oh, it's okay to sell this but when i hold her upside down and whack her on the bottom i'm the one who gets tased! come on! (cheers and applause)
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costume makers, how dare you single out women for this kind of objectification. especially when we guys would love to get slutty. come on! what am i hitting the gym for if my franken sometime costume only shows off my bolts and not my nuts. i say it's high time to close this objectification gap. so next year i want to see skanky hazmat workers, kinky taxidermists, randy chewbacca... (laughter) and my personal favorite, naughty pundit. (cheers and applause) also available in the george will. it's a bow tie and not a stitch more. folks, this weekend, october 29, the northeast was slammed by a blizzard meaning we could be
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looking at nearly six months of winter. as a result, saturday evening punxsatawney phil blew his brains out. (laughter) and folks... sad, sad, he'll be missed. folks, this weather has got me worried about those crazy kids down at occupy wall street. we don't always see eye to eye, partly because i'm looking at them through tinted window limos. (laughter) but mostly because they are so wrong. but, folks, this is america, i believe everyone deserves the chance to agree with me. what they really need is a firm, guiding hand to help them build a real political movement. the way g.o.p. bigwig dick armey did for the tea party. >> the difference with the tea party, i think, and these wall street protests, the tea party from the first was well connected to republican party circles, conservative business people like freedom work which
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is is run by dick armey who's a former house majority leader. >> dick armey of freedom works who is a tea party founder said "our objective is to take over the republican party." >> stephen: see? big swinging dick armey gave the tea partyers the cash and the organization they needed to take over the republican party. so for all occupy wall street has taken over is the bathroom at starbucks. (laughter) well, if armey's political action committee can cooperate the tea party, i say why can't colbert superpact co-opt occupy sweet in (cheers and applause) it's a win-win. okay? these guys down here, they get a political player with deep pockets to help them reach the next level and i get a nationwide army to spread their message of my message. (laughter) it's a natural fit, folks. remember, i was very angry at wall street two years ago. >> let's go get a.i.g.!
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whoo! folks, two years later i am still, you know, mad at them. (laughter) stop it, you guys, seriously. stop it. we're going to give you a flat tax, watch out. (laughter) , so folks, recently i went down to occupy wall street to offer them this exciting co-opportunity. i arrived at zucotti park ready for a revolution. my mission: blend in. become one of them and hopefully earn their trust. i had to find a way into their world. just as the skies opened up, so did my window of opportunity. it was time for a call to action tend lockout. end it. i was making connections. do you guys believe wall street planned this rain? >> what are you talking about? >> stop the rain! stop the wall street rain!
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>> as i left the park, i had a real sense of what these young people were fighting for. where's the limo? i had found my rebels. two young idealists who could get me inside the movement. i invited these occupiers to occupy my penthouse suite overlooking zucotti park. thanks so much for talking to me today. >> i will, stephen, thank you. let's just get your names here, you are? >> justin rivas. >> and you are ketchup. >> stephen: i think i might have misheard that. >> ketchup. >> stephen: do you have a last name, ketchup? >> i have one. i'd prefer not to say on camera. >> stephen: are you wanted by the police? >> no. >> stephen: are you afraid of bringing shame upon your family? >> um.... >> stephen: is it a difficult name? >> it's this i.... >> stephen: is it hit sfler >> no. >> stephen: not ketchup hitler. >> no, not ketchup hitler. >> stephen: okay. i want to talk to people who can make some decisions. >> we can't do that for you.
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>> no. >> stephen: why am i talking to you two? >> they came to consensus within the press group that we would be two people who would be good to talk to but we're just here as autonomous individuals. >> stephen: so who speaks for the movement? >> no one. >> stephen: do it. >> >> what i'm there to do.... >> stephen: speak for everybody. >> i can't. >> stephen: yes, you can. >> this is a temperature check.... >> stephen: a temperature check? >> that's right. >> stephen: will recallly or rectally. >> stephen: >> if people agree they deal this. >> stephen: so retackily. >> if they disagree and not feeling it they'll do this. >> stephen:? why >> because we want to gauge if we're getting close to consensus >> stephen: i see a lot of anti-corporate stuff down there. what's your beef with successful people? >> i look around at the world that i'm in and i don't like what i see because i'd like to live in a world where where my own happiness and comfort are not borne out of the suffering of others and the destruction of the environment.
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>> someone call for this? >> stephen: coming! (laughter) sure, just bring in it. okay. thanks. ahh. (laughter) you guys want anything? steak and eggs? by a cob, sausage? (laughter) so... oh, my god. this is good. go on. >> they have all this money and they know that people all over the world are suffering and hungry and cold and they are choosing not to do anything about it or certainly not to do enough about it. (laughter) and i see a serious problem with that ethically and.... >> stephen: okay, let's cut through the bull (bleep) here for a second. i don't know who you people are. i don't really know what your message is or where this is going but i want in.
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what's it going to take for me to be part of this? >> you need to come down to the park, stephen. you need to make your voice heard. >> stephen: do you actually vote or just do this? is there any voting? >> there's consensus building. >> stephen: what does that mean? >> when a proposal is brought forward and the discussion has been had and concerns are brought up and possible blocks are brought up.... >> stephen: what's a block? >> a block is this? >> stephen: what's this? >> point of process. let's say we're on an agenda topic.... >> stephen: what would be an agenda top snick >> for example.... >> stephen: rich are bad. >> no, an agenda topic might be.... >> stephen: are they bad? >> see, i might make a point of process here. >> stephen: i'm going to block that. >> you can't. a point of process overrules everything.... >> stephen: so you're the leading of this discussion? >> i'm facilitating. >> stephen: you blocked. >> you blocked. >> stephen: no, i have to stay on the ropes over here. >> mic check. this is the facilitator we've empowered her to lead the discsion and keep it moving.
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you need to respect that. (laughter) >> someone is talking about something, that's not the stated agenda points someone might do a point of process to say, you know, right now we're on a different topic. >> stephen: you guys seem like a cult. >> we're not a cult. >> stephen: you're not a cult. that's what a cult would say. >> stephen: what's important to think about this movement.... >> stephen: or cult. >> i believe it's a movement. people are spontaneously activating, deciding, making the decision to join general assemblys in cities all over the country. >> i am apart of two caucuses and part of why caucuses exist is to give a space for marginalized voices. >> stephen: are you a marginalized voice? >> i am a female-bodied person.... >> stephen: what you are? sorry. >> i'm a female-bodied person. >> stephen: what does that mean? >> it's a person who has a female form. you.... >> stephen: you talking about... (laughter)
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lady bumps? >> yeah. >> stephen: what about you? what you got down there? >> what do i got? >> stephen: yeah. >> i work with the community relations committee. >> stephen: what bodyed are you >> i'm male bodied. >> stephen: is there a difference between male bodied and male or female bodiesed or female? >> not all people with female bodies identify as women. >> stephen: so if i meet somebody down there who says they're a woman, i could be in for a rude surprise. (laughter) because they may not be female bodied. >> i think you have to trust your instincts on that one. >> stephen: i generally do, but i've been burned before. (laughter) okay. the leader qshgs do you have one? >> we don't have one. >> stephen: let's create one, i nominate me. is there a second? (cheers and applause) >> i don't ever get consensus. >> stephen: i heard a second. it's me, i'm your leader. >> i would block that one.
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>> stephen: but i point of ordered it and i put it up for superconsideration. (laughter) >> no good. >> stephen: it passed over the stormy seas of your block. okay? then at the last minute i gave it executive run through like this and i went around the your concern like that amend so i'm the leader now. >> stephen: tune in tomorrow when i generously offer to co-opt the occupy movement. don't think about it as tit for tat. it's just
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation, once again at the "report"t is time for show and tell. i'm going to show you stuff and tell you what to think about it. this is tip of the hat, wag of , a big tip of my had to wisconsin governor scott walker for bringing a new freedom to america's dairyland. >> governor walker's administration will allow people with training and concealed carry permits to bring concealed weapons into state capital. >> stephen: damn straight! we have a right to bear arms in this country and like it or not, wisconsin is still part of this country. (laughter) folks, i promise this is not... this does not mean you'll see images of gunfire in the statehouse, because while guns are allowed, cameras are not.
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(laughter) thank god. cameras are dangerous. with no waiting period or background check, any whack job could just stroll into a wal-mart and walk out with a semiautomatic. (laughter) for years, i've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter. and it's even sadder when they shoot themselves. next, folks, everybody knows i am no fan of obamacare. normally i'd get angrier about it but i have high blood pressure and my co-pays are through the roof. (laughter) so a tip of my hat to true north, a health care provider in falmouth, maine, that offers the simplest way for low income patients to get the care they need. >> true north has about 33 patients who pay with time instead of money. they trade the time they've spent doing some kind of service for time with the doctor.
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>> you can get guitar lessons for your kid or driving you to the airport. >> stephen: perfect. just tell your kid "this is mr. peterson, he's going to teach you guitar and that odd smell is his perforated colon." (audience reacts) "keep some pressure on it." it's a sad story, i realize. you'll probably be playing some very sad songs. but this is better than obamacare. the true north barter program is currently for clinical services but i say there's no reason it couldn't work for more serious care. about to go into labor? how are you at retarring a roof. (laughter) and you're not off the hook, coma patients. if you've got time to liebe, you've got time to lean. especially once you put you in some superabsorbent swiffer robes. (laughter and applause)
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oh, that's okay. is a coma patient, an old man with a feeding tube but heaven forbid you make one perforated colon reference. i look forward to the day when a doctor can say "the bad news is you have three weeks to live, the good news is that's just enough time to tuck point my chimney." he'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks very much. folks, my guest tonight is the director of the british museum who is telling the story of the world through objects. i hear one of the items is an ancient artifact called a book. please welcome neil macgregor. (cheers and applause) thank you mr. mcgregor, thank you so much for coming on. all right you are the director of the british museum as i said before and the author of a new book called "a history of the world in 100 octobers." >> yes. >> stephen: we'll get to the book in just a moment but i have a bone to pick with museums in general. why? a lot of that stuff seems like it must be worth a lot of money. why not sell it?
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right? why keep it? why not share it with the rest of the world by letting me buy it. (laughter) >> i can't sell it to you because you own it already. it belongs to you. that's the great thing about the museum is that it belongs equally to everybody. this museum is the first national museum of that sort and right at the beginning parliament said this can't be sold, everybody's got to get in free from the whole world if possible. so it's not about one person owning, it's about everybody using and enjoying. >> but what do we learn from museums when we go in >> you learn who you are. >> stephen: i'm not in there. >> you will be. >> stephen: you think so? >> you might be, you might be. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: smart guy. >> what you will learn about is why... what we are concerned about now what people have always been concerned about. >> stephen: sex? >> sex. >> stephen: money? >> money. power. snood food. >> food. trade, trade and god.
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that's it, really. (laughter) >> stephen: well, it's called "the history of the world in 100 objects." is the bible in here? >> no, the bible is not there there. >> stephen: because the bible could just be the book. you could just take this, this little sleeve right here and wrap it around the bible. and then you got the history of the world in one object. >> yup. but what that would do is tell you what god wanted us to be. >> stephen: right. >> what this does is tell us what we've actually been and what we are. >> stephen: oh, that's clever. (laughter) that is clever. that's clever. >> thank and this tells us that we're not what we ought to be but we are concerned with sex, power, money, all the rest. >> stephen: so let's talk about the things you've got in here. the first object you have in here, chronologically the first object is you got a rock. you've got an old stone shopping tool. what's the significance here?
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>> this is why we're all here and this is why we all have brains. that was made about 1.million years ago in east africa. >> stephen: what does it do? it >> it gets dead meat off dead animals then you can eat it. >> stephen: like a prehistoric slap-chop. >> exactly like it. and it's because we could make that that we were able to get the meat, break the bones, get the marrow, get the proteins, get the brains to come and live everywhere. >> stephen: let's look at the next one. a solar powered lamp and charger. i don't get this one because if this sun is shining bright enough to charge it, i don't need a lamp. >> (laughs) did i nail you? i think you blew this one. >> if you were living... if you were trying to cook in a hut in africa you would be jolly grateful for this. >> stephen: jolly grateful?
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(laughter) all right. why? >> very. very. is. >> stephen: why? >> because this for the first time ever lets people who don't have access to electricity have access to light at night. >> stephen: the sun doesn't shine at night. >> you store it up in that little bit on the left. you store it up in the battery. >> stephen: all right. i'll read the book. okay. >> stephen: the next thing here is we have the akon drum? what's that? >> this is a drum that was made for a chief west africa but it was then... we know that but it was bought in 173030 as an indian drum in the plantation of virginia. this came with the slaves from the plantations in america. this is the text they didn't have to tell us about their history. >> stephen: so this is like their book. >> this is. >> stephen: was this clever of
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me to say? loof >> (laughter) >> um... yeah, yeah. (laughs) >> stephen: thank you so much for joining us mr. mcgregor. neil mcgregor. the book is "the history of the world in 100 objects." it's one of the few i've read. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: that's it for the "report," everybody, good