Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 3, 2011 6:30pm-7:00pm PDT

6:30 pm
>> stephen: tonight, can we close america's income gap or should we just jump on a red, white, and blue harley. then an alarming new report on government waste. apparently, mitch mcconnell needs more fiber in his diet. and my guest michael pollen has written a book called," food rules." i'm looking forward to the sequel-- "shelter rocks." bank of america will drop its $5 debit card fee. of course that comes with a $6 fee removal fee. this is the "colbert report. captioning sponsored by
6:31 pm
comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) y. >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome to the report, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. welcome to the report. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. it's good to have you with us. thank you, everybody. a big happy birthday to everyone, school committee mean everyone, who is having a birthday tonight. ( laughter ) ( applause )
6:32 pm
some time in late winter must be a good time for parents to get busy. nation, i'm sad to say that once again, the big news is the sexual harassment charges against republican presidential candidate hermain cain. so, parents, if any children are watching, please tell them how intercourse works in graphic detail. , so they understand what i'm about to talk about. ( laughter ). are they crying yet? are you? then you didn't go into enough detail. ( laughter ) folks, let's all remember that cain is accusing of doing nothing more than approaching female employees with personal questions of a sexually suggestive nature and making hand gestures that were not overtly sexual but that made women who witnessed them uncomfortable. ( laughter ) folks, these decades-old allegations against cain are just an attempt to distract us
6:33 pm
from what a great president he would be. cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza. and he understands international issues because pizza is italian. ( laughter ) and he has already proven to my satisfaction an in-depth knowledge of foreign. >> i'm ready for the gotcha question, and when they ask me who is the president of ube-bexy-stan-stan, i don't kn know. >> stephen: you don't know who is the president of ubecky-becky-stan-stan is, you can just find out in wikipedia, which i believe-- i believe is the country just to the north. ( laughter ) and, folks, on monday's pbs "the newshour" cain showed he is ready to have his fing or the
6:34 pm
button. >> i do view china as a potential threat uindicateing that they're trying to develop nuclear capability. >> nation, we cannot allow china to develop nukes. especially since they developed them in 1964. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i am telling you, if you don't act fast, they might end up building a wall to keep foreigners out. ( laughter ). no! ( applause ) ( cheers ) thanks, obama. ( laughter ) now, some out there might say that cain made a gaffe about china's nukes, but he told hannity, he is still boning up on foreign policy. >> do you feel you have the experience in foreign policy, considering that has not been your professional area of expertise? >> do you think i'm dumb enough not to study up on these ?ooshz i've been studyingum on these
6:35 pm
issues for months. >> stephen: exactly. he has been studying up on these issues for months. he just hasn't worked his way up to the chapter on the 1960s yet. personally, i cannot wait to hear his plan about how he'll get us out of vietnam. so stay strong, hermain cain. and if you get stuck in your next interview, remember, the answers are in the back of the book. ( laughter ) nation-- ( applause ) thank you. nation,let occupy with the movement has been going on nearly two months now, and i'm still not sure what they want. based on all the drumming, i'm guessing they're waiting for the sax to come in. but one of the things that has gotten their white boy dreads in a bunch is the so-called income gap. and it's only getting so-called worse. in fact, america now has an income gap similar to the philippines and mexico.
6:36 pm
sounds bad, but it could mean we're about to see a boom in our cockfighting industry. the free market has confirmed that the gap exists because proctor & gamble has found the consumer market eroding in the middle, and as a result, have begun aiming advertising directly at the high- and low-end markets with products like new bargain dish soap. you know the economy sucks when dawn is now a status symbol. ( laughter ). a lot of people can only afford dusk. ( applause ) but these occupy wall street crazies are blame the wrong people because we 1%ers are the only ones who can help them. >> let me give you another word for millionaire-- job creators. >> our job creators are wealthy. let's face it. have you ever been hired by a poor person? >> stephen: yes, but i was young and it was dark and i really needed money for a bus ticket home.
6:37 pm
but, folks, with this angry mob growing out there, i am worried we could be dangerously close to changing something. law enforcement laugh so we're going to have to throw these have-not a bone, and that brings us to tonight's word. "bite the hand that feed you." folks, proctor & gamble isn't the only company changing its marketing plan. the good folks at purina have released the first ad campaign targeted directly at dogs. they're debuting in austria, and feature squeaks and bells that humans may not notice but dogs cannot resist. ( laughter ). ( applause )
6:38 pm
>> stephen: wow. that ad is effective. whoever came up with it, i would like to sniff your butt. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, the idea-- the idea is that pet openers watch their doges enjoy the ads and pay extra for premium dog food. and, folks, there is a real reason to appeal to the fido demo. >> tough economy, thoarks does have americans cutting corners in not one part of their life, at least, pampering their pets. americans are going to be spending more than $50 billion on their animals this year. >> stephen: $50 billion. we'd be a lot more likely to bail out the greeks if they had wet noses and floppy ears. ( laughter ). now, i know-- folks, i know i would do anything for my dog, gipper. he loves to chase squirrels, so i released hundreds of them into my house. which reminds me-- "get rabies
6:39 pm
shots." you see, pets, pets of wealthy americans appear to have more disposable income than most poor people. so if we want to really close the income gap, there is a simple answer-- the poor should become rich people's pets. ( laughter ) after all-- hear me out-- after all, 30% of the poor are uninsured. meanwhile, 800,000 pets in the nation have health insurance to make sure they don't get sick. and health care, folks, is just one of the benefits. you get a roof over your head, plenty of exercise, and your meals are loaded with chunks of real beef lips. ( laughter ) it's the least-- it's the least we can do because we rich have a moral obligation to do something about the alarming rising number of poor. oh, which reminds me, you're going to have to be spayed or
6:40 pm
neutered. now, of course-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) of course, folks, we will not neuter all of you. let strong ones with silky coats we will breed. now, some, some rich peep have allergies so we'll need to cross-breed a poor person with a pood toll create a desda-to dole. now, poor folks, we job creators are offering you a life full the compassion and dignity. that's it. take it or leave it. you poor can be obedient pets, or you can bite the hand that feeds you, in which case, we're going to have to put you down. and that's the word. we'll be right back. cheaper
6:41 pm
6:42 pm
6:43 pm
>> stephen: welcome back, oarve. thank you very much. nation, everybody who watches the show knows i am a longtime critic of government waste.
6:44 pm
what was jefferson thinking paying $15 million for louisiana? ( laughter ) he should have gotten it the way everything else is paid for down there-- by showing napoleon his tits. 200 years later, nothing has changed, folks. just replace $15 million with $16 and louisiana with breakfast pastries. >> muffin-gate. pay training conference in august '09, $4200 was spent on 250 muffins. that adds up to 16 bucks per if yomorin. why should i or you work hard every day so some guy in a suit can have a $16 muffin. >> maybe i'm a cheap scabbing but i'm not going to pay 16 bucks for a muffin. i'm just not going to do it it it it it it. >> stephen: why would the government spend $16 on a muffin when they can go to starbucks and get one for 14.
6:45 pm
of course, folks, i've been tracking muffin-gate very closely, as well as muffin-top-gate. when did i gain all this weight? well, now there's been a surprising new development in this story of out-of-control bakery greed. >> the justice department inspector general admits it made a mistake whether it says the agency spent more than $16 on each muffin at a legal conference. >> you can see that the report refers to the actual event that there were some other things purchased. there was tea and coffee and some other things, as well as the cost of the meeting space at the capitol hilton so it's misleading to say the muffin cover the $16. it was invoiced that way but the muffin itself didn't cost that much. >> stephen: well, well, that changes things. the justice department inspector general, which made the original $16 muffin claim, did a thorough follow-up investigation, and the responsible use of your tax dlarps is made clear in the udit
6:46 pm
of department of justice conference planning an planningd beverage cost report. it's 151 pages proving there was no government money wasted on muffins. ( laughter ) and it is thorough, folks. it has full-colored muffin tables. look at that. appendiss, 55 footnotes, as well as analysis of the cost of beef wellington hors d'oeuvres, the clarification that a cup is equal toight ounces, and that light refreshments are defined as coffee, tea, milk, juice, soft drinks, donuts, bagels, fruit, pretzels, cookies, chips, or muffins. ( laughter ). and i believe little-- i believe the agency seal, i believe that is scratch and sniff. ( laughter ). banana nut. ( laughter ) and for all my fellow pundits out there, eager to sniff out further government waste, hopefully the inspector general will be issuing a 300-page
6:47 pm
report investigating rumors this 150-page report on $16 muffins costs millions. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ true love gave to me...
6:48 pm
six geese a-laying. five new tops... i want to be very specific about this because last year i got some gifts i wasn't exactly feeling. especially from you, uncle dale. were those acid wash jeans? i just hope you all stuck to my list this year. a new digital camera or a new suede shoulder bag would be really ideal. sorry to be so frank. i just don't need another needlepoint throw pillow, aunt carla. ♪ four calling birds, three french hens... when it's on your mind, it's on ebay.
6:49 pm
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. my guest tonight has a new book of rules for eating. rule number one-- do not eat the book. please welcome michael pollin. ( cheers and applause ) hey, michael. good to see you again. >> thank you for having me back. >> stephen: third time here. >> yeah, and you remember the last time. >> stephen: let pee get your frequent interview card. there are you. one more and you get a free foot-long. >> last time i was here you gave me a soda, a sierra mist. >> stephen: i did, yeah.
6:50 pm
>> a really nasty product. >> stephen: yeah. >> so i thought -- >> stephen: they're a sponsor, sir. i will have you beaten. >> i thought i would bring you something -- >> stephen: what is whatis this? >> a little better. this is some home brew my son and i made. >> stephen: if you don't like it, there is nothing we can do about it. >> this is your beer. >> stephen: that looks good. that looks good. okay, there you go. ( laughter ) >> no, no, no, no. >> stephen: there you go. there you go. don't do that. some bugles. >> oh! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: your beer is salty. ( laughter ) michael, everybody knows you-- please, drink up. >> thank you. >> stephen: that's delicious. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: will which get me ( bleep )? >> if you have enough of them, yeah. >> stephen: really? okay. everybody knows you because
6:51 pm
you're the awght "in defense of food." you're the big, bossy food nazi out there, all right, food nazi. >> i don't accept that. >> stephen: food-stapo. is that better? is that softer? >> you know, all the rules in this book, this is the wisdom of your grandmother and great-grandmother. >> stephen: let's get to the book here. your new book is called," food rules: an eater's manual." and it's beautifully illustrated. so why do i need a book of food rules? i know how to eat. i put it in my mouth. ( laughter ). >> i think that you get in trouble when you're deciding what to put in your mouth. i think that's the key moment, and-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: no. no upon i believe-- i believe-- i believe hermain cain got in trouble deciding what to put in his mouth. ( laughter ). so what do you mean? i put-- i'm an omnivore. by your own title of your other book, i can put anything in my mouth.
6:52 pm
>> well, you can but some things are going to make you sick and some things are going to predispose you to heart disease and diabetes. people are getting sick because of the diet they're eating. >> stephen: how do you know? i'll tell you why. you're a skinny guy. you're a thin guy over there. what the hell do you know about food? i mean if mario botelli came out here, if you had to be brought out here with a fork lift then i would listen to what you had to say about food but what the hell do you know about it? >> that's a different kind of authority. you know, i don't know that much about food. i'll be honest, i'm not an expert -- >> stephen: oh, you sure play one on tv. ( laughter ). go ahead, yeah. >> but i realized at a certain point that we've been listening to scientists for too long, and they've really misled us, as have the health claims on the products. the whole nutritional industrial -- >> stephen: we have truth in advertising. how could the product mislead
6:53 pm
me. >> cereal that promises to improve your son's focus at school, prevent swine flu. they're all bragging about they're going to improve your heart health. they're going to, you know, help improve your immune system. there's a lot of confusion out there. so what i'm trying to do in this book is simply cut through it with some common-sense rules. it's a deeply conservative book. >> stephen: what do you mean? what do you mean? are there like tax cuts? are those good? are those good for the food? >> no, i think we need more taxes on other than certain kinds of food, actually. >> stephen: what would you tax? >> soda. >> stephen: you would tax coca-cola? ( applause ) no, you, you, shut up! you would tax soda? that is the milk of america. ( laughter ) how you can tax soda? we beat hitler with coca-cola. >> well, if you look at the-- if you look at what has changed the american diet over the last 30
6:54 pm
years -- >> stephen: loot letme guess, high fructose corn syrup. >> it's a problem. >> stephen: get a new hobbyhorse. let's look at some of the rules. jim, let's look at one of the rules up here. beautiful illustration. food is a costly antidepressant. what does that mean? >> we eat for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with hunger. we eat when we're bored. we eat when we're sad. we eat when we don't know what else to do. i have a lot of rules to help you do that. one of my favorites is if you're not hungry enough to eat an apple, you're not really hungry. it's a good way to kind of quiz yourself. >> stephen: wow, that is a slam on the apple industry over there. ( laughter ). okay, look at the next one. >> because if you are, though, i say eat an apple. >> stephen: eat an apple. all right. the next one here is a desk is not a table. >> yeah. >> stephen: but so many people's tables is their desk. they eat at work, and if you leave your desk to eat, you will be fired. ( laughter ). >> well, that's a high price to pay but i really do believe we've got to treat meal time-- take it a little more seriously.
6:55 pm
eat food at meals-- i know it's a radical idea. we eat too fast. we eat on the run. we eat at work. we eat in the car. 20% of meals in america are eaten in the car. >> stephen: absolutely. >> there's a problem with that. >> stephen: we're a country on the go. that's why we have cup holders which you can also fill with gravy. get your chicken wings. >> so i'm preaching a very simple idea-- return to the concept of a meal and eating on the run, you eat more. when you eat in front of the television, you eat more. you're distractinged. >> stephen: because you're also being encouraged. you might think, hey, maybe i'll have should bugles. >> that's right. >> stephen: the last one here, what have we got? a land with lots of herring can get along with few doctors. >> now there is wisdom. >> stephen: that is wisdom because if you're eating herring, chances are you're in scandinavia and chances are you don't need a doctor because you blew your brains out at 25. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> but, free health care for
6:56 pm
everybody. >> stephen: free health care for those who survive. >> who survive, right. who are bad shots. >> stephen: michael, it's always a pleasure to be lectured to about the things i put in my mouth. i'm a big fan of your books. this one is called, "food rules an eater's manual." michael pollin, thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: we'll be right back.
6:57 pm
6:58 pm
6:59 pm
( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's if for the report, everybody. good night. ( cheers and applause )