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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 7, 2011 9:30am-10:00am PST

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>> stephen: (supreming) tonight! more controversy for herman cain. his campaign manager has switched to menthol. then part two of my infiltration of occupy wall street. i say if they're going to put up tents in downtown manhattan, i get to put up condos in yellowstone. my guests are yo-yo ma and a group of all-star musicians whose new album is "the get to rodeo session" i hope they play something by baa-ch. (laughter) a new study found that happy people live 35% longer. yeah, but unhappy people's lives seem longer. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central
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( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report"! (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you very much. a very special welcome to the seventh level magic users out there. (laughter) nation, i will get right to the big news. herman cain is under attack. this is a dark, dark day for america. and i'm not just saying that because he's, you know... (laughter) american. (laughter)
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of course, when you're top in the polls, the media digs through your past. it's not fun but it beats being john huntsman. no one's even digging through his present. and now comes trumped-up charges that when cain was head of the national restaurant association he harassed female employees with gestures that were not overtly sexual but made the women uncomfortable. (laughter) all right. naturally i assume the gesture was something innocuous like... (laughter) it could be anything. incidentally, that's also a great way to get out of juror duty. (laughter) well, last night herman cain went on greta van susteren to herman van explain hipltsz. jim? >> i made a gesture saying oh... i was standing close to her and i made a gesture.
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you are the same height as my wife. and brought my hand-- didn't touch her-- up to my chin and said "you're the same height as my wife because my wife comes up to my chin." >> stephen: women. (laughter) they always take comments about their height as something sexual. like, hey, let's stand back to back to see who's taller-- except i'll be facing you without any pants on. (laughter) everybody knows who's really to blame for this controversy. >> some anonymous ladies have spurred up a controversy with respect to the false claim of sexual harassment. >> yes! these ladies are the real harassers. hiding behind their anonymity just because they were paid a settlement to leave their jobs in exchange for their silence. (audience reacts) and if you don't talk, clearly you're lying. but cain is allowed to speak, therefore he is telling the truth. it's a classic case of he said/she's legally prohibited from saying. (laughter)
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still not convinced? then herman cain has a question for you! >> (inaudible) open and shut. who hasn't been accused of sexual harassment? okay, show of hands. show of hands. ladies, raise both hands. (laughter) now shake it up. (laughter) by the way, ladies, i'll have some non-disclosure agreements for you to sign on the way out. folks, everybody knows it is day 46 of okay pay wall street and it is a disorganized mess. i mean think of it. at this point, the tea party already had their own news network. they had the backing of former republican majority leader dick armey and his political action committee freedom works. he funneled so much cash to the tea partyers that they were able to upgrade their tricorn hats to quad corn.
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and soon the tea party became dick armey's dick armey. well, i don't see any reason why we in the colbert superpac can't become playas with the wall street occupyyas by throwing our cash around. so recently i went down there to make them an offer i couldn't refuse. last night i showed you part one. tonight, in a surprise twist, part two. (laughter) jim? >> previously on stephen colbert occupies occupy wall street. i went deep undercover in zucotti park and i met two young rebels-- justin and ketchup. i invited them to my penthouse suite and offered to co-opt the movement for their own well-being. (laughter) i worry about you especially,
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justin. ketchup can take care of herself. she's tough. i'm not worried about ketchup. she looks like she can take some punishment. you, justin, you i'm worry about. you're fragile. let me be your sugar daddy. and now dramatic conclusion of my co-occupation. you have something i want. i'll be open. you have a movement. i wanted in on the tea party but i dragged my feet and dick armey jumped on it with freedom works and i feel like a tool for not getting a piece of that. what do i need to do? whatever whatever it is, any boots on the ground on this one? >> i don't think we can give that to you, stephen. >> stephen: you're not going to give it to me, i'm going to pay for it. >> it's not about your money. it's about the thing we're trying to build here and it doesn't require your superpac money. >> stephen: excuse me, i'm sorry. oh, hey, come on in. hey, everybody, this is yoshi.
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she wiese the superpac and she's she's our masseuse. this is justin and this is ketchup. or catsu in your language. how does that feel? >> it feels good, i guess. >> stephen: tell me about some of the popular discontent that you've heard the people on the street are feeling. >> just a lot of frustration, a lot of anger. >> what do you think the greatest remedy for this anger is? ketchup? >> what do i think the remedy is? >> stephen: yoshi. >> i think we need to start-- (laughs) i think we need to start from the ground.... >> stephen: does that feel good? >> it does. that we need to start from the ground up. >> stephen: i'm just saying let the superpac help you and this is how we're rolling all the time. popping the champagne, yoshi's on the jet. this time tomorrow you could be having a massage in london talking about the downtrodden. from up here, you know what i mean?
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you can see everything. >> with all due respect, stephen i think we've been able to get our message out pretty well on our own so far. >> stephen:. thank you, yoshi. thank you. >> thank you very much. >> thank you. >>. >> stephen: (speaks japanese) can we get real for a second? i'm offering you my show to pump the message. obviously we want to, you know, just tweak it. i even made up a sign for you. "corporations are not people." that's a sign, right? you believe in that? >> i believe that. >> stephen: okay, let's just tweak it. corporations are... are now people. >> it's not a tweak, though. that's a big important change. >> stephen: but the supreme court has ruled the corporations are people. therefore they are. and you saying they're not is dehumanizing. see how you're the monoer? >> they're just not people. >> stephen: it just seems pretty racist of you to say, oh, certain people don't get to be
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people. a corporation owns what you're park that you're on right now. >> well, the thing that owns the park.... >> stephen: you understand how ugly that signs? hey, boy, where's my shrimp? >> i think we're moving away from the agenda item. >> stephen: the agenda item is she's a racist. why not level the playing field by getting some money of your own! you've got to fight fire with fire. that's jesus. >> that's not something jesus said. >> stephen: jesus said fight fire with fire. he also said money talks, bull (bleep) walks. (cheers and applause) >> we've had lots of large donations and probably will continue to have large donations but that does not give the person who donates it any sort of sway or influence. >> stephen: right. because what i'm saying is i understand you have values. and i'm willing to work around those. >> you can't work around the values. >> stephen: well, does that even change the message?
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let's keep the message. corporations are people, corporations aren't people. who gives a flying fig leaf. >> i do. >> stephen: i know you do and i believe in that. and so does my money. >> we don't want your money. >> fine, i'm going to talk about a few movements that also didn't want any corporate backing. tell me if you've ever heard of them. you ever heard of the lefty lucys? or the million man mambo? you ever heard about them >> no. >> stephen: because they didn't have any money backing them. millions could have marched on washington two years ago, mambo down the mall, you've never heard about it. >> it didn't happen. >> stephen: as far as you know it didn't. we're talking about changing the world. let's change the world. let's it this ground. let's do this thing. let's dance on the edge of a knife. >> the problem.... >> stephen: let's live dangerously. let's get into it. let's strap on and get on top. top of our game. get the message out there.
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let's be empowered. let's let the little man recovery! i'm a big man who's going to help you do that. >> we're not trying to recreate the problems that already exist. one of the problems is the underinfluence of money in politics so for us to accept large donations from you or anybody would be creating that problem. >> stephen: i was man enough to know when i'd been beaten. the revolution would not be televised. ketchup, justin, i know you guys have to get back to the revolution. thank you so much for talking to me. >> thank you. thanks, stephen. >> thank you. >> stephen: no, serious. that's your money. >> no, no. (laughter and applause) >> stephen: so will they take me up on my snaufr since that interview, the associated press reports the group has raised over $450,000. so who gave them that money?
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here's a little hint. he's got two thumbs and so do i. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight have created a unique fusion of bluegrass and classical music. i hope they play "dueling cellos." please welcome yo-yo ma, stewart duncan, edgar maier, chris
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bailey. (cheers and applause) nice to meet you. good to see you again, my friend. all right, gentlemen. let's get straight to it. the name of the new album is called "the goat rodeo sessions." what's a goat rodeo? (laughter) because immediately i'm picturing monkeys in cowboy hats riding goats. how close am i? i think i've seen that on espn 2. what's a goat rodeo. >> you're pretty close. a goat rodeo we're led to believe is a situation that' so very chaotic that everything would have to go right for everyone not to be screwed. >> stephen: so in the vernacular of america it's a cluster (bleep). the (laughter) obviously yo-yo's involved so you've got to keep it classy. (laughter) >> i'm the goat. >> stephen: you're the goat!
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>> stephen: so you've been on the show before, everybody knows you're the cello master extraordinaire. but all these other musicians here, everybody up on stage is a master. you got yo-yo, you got chris chris, you got edgar edgar and you got tzu tzu back here. edgar back here, you won the avery fisher prize. you're a macarthur genius award winner. chaise say something smart. (laughter) >> pleasure to be on the show. (laughter and applause) >> stephen: play it safe, i like that. use the brain. i noticed... i read on here the songs are fantastic. i noticed that you three wrote all of them. why are you dragging this dead weight around. (laughter) you did nothing on here sdplfrjt you're basically a session musician on this thing, yo-yo. >> i like to take it's easy, you know?
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i'm older than all these people. >> are you there to provide class? because you're classy, you're... the cello... you're a classy guy. you're class on tap. (laughter) >> well, that's very nice of you to say but i do not twin macarthur prize. >> stephen: no, you're just... you just won the medal of freedom from the president. (laughter) right? is that all? oh, this little thing, i only wear it on special occasions. does he ever play the yo-yo ma card on you guys? does he ever say "remember when we were all playing at the inaugural? oh, i forgot, that was just me." (laughter) tell me about "the goat rodeo sessions." how would you describe this music? >> it's genre-proof. >> stephen: as an american, i have the constitutional right to pigeon hole you. (laughter) >> exactly. this is totally american. >> stephen: it's totally american? >> yes, totally. >> stephen: so it's... how... what? so it's what?
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it's belching the national anthem? what is... what's totally american mean to you, yo-yo? >> well, let's see, what's totallyern? it has bluegrass elements in it, celtic elements in it, bluegrass being root music and from appalachia, from dixie land, from the blues, in fact. so... and of course we needed some geographic distribution so they have hired me... (laughter) to kind of fill the role of, you know, the cello role. (laughter) >> stephen: they say if it ain't got that cello it don't that mellow. (laughter) that's it, right? (laughter and applause) yo-yo, you've done some many genres, crossed over into so many genres. what's next?
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thrash metal? folk sunk in trip house? chill wave? >> shredding. >> stephen: shreding? how would one shred on a cello? >> i don't know. this is that's an exploration. i think we're all joined together to try to go to do two things, we want to do something very well but we also want to take a certain amount of risk to go to the edge where you see a better view. and shredding might be the next thing. i don't know. it depends on what my friends want to do and what they show me because i keep learning when my friends teach me new things. >> stephen: are you guys ready to all teach us something right now >> shred away. (laughter) >> stephen: well, ladies and gentlemen, yo-yo ma, stewart duncan, edgar meyer and chris. we'll be right back from "the goat rodeo sessions." we'll be right back.
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near perform atta boy" off their album "the get to rodeo sessions" yo-yo ma, edgar meyer, stewart duncan and chris thile. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: the album is "the goat rodeo sessions." we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: that's it for the