tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central November 9, 2011 6:30pm-7:00pm PST
( cheers and applause ) (crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. you know what, folks? you know what, folks? i probably shouldn't admit this but hearing you chant my name like
that is... well, it's sweeter than mother's milk to me. (laughter) (cheers and applause) nation, thank you. let's get straight to the huge news out of arizona, herman cain held a press conference this
evening to address the sexual harassment charges from numerous women coming out of the woodwork. incidentally, i believe his woodwork coming out is one of the thing he's accused of. they've all been anonymous and the latest anonymous woman is sharon bialek. and her accusations are both graphic and specific but don't tell me what they are because i've tivoed them. (laughter) now, cain's press conference was opened by
his lawyer who made a lengthy introduction then finally cain took the podium-- admittedly without asking the podium whether it wanted to be taken. (laughter and applause) jim? >> the charges and the accusations i absolutely reject. sexual harassment is a very serious charge. >> stephen: yes, very serious charge. that he took very seriously last night with my friend jimmy
kimmel who asked him about bialek's lawyer gloria allred. >> have you considered hiring gloria allred as your attorney? (laughter) >> you almost made me say something that my handlers say you should not say. let me put it to you think way, i can't think of anything that i would hire her to do, okay? (audience reacts) >> stephen: (laughs) and that look says he knows how many things for women to do. and if he'd hired them do it, maybe you wouldn't be in this trouble. the point is cain was great with jimmy. as fox news's web site declared, cain hit home run on kim nell-- which is impressive because he was only trying to get to third base. now none of this... folks, i'm telling you, none of this is going to stop my man hermann and
here is why. >> the day of the firestorm of these accusations we haded highest fund-raising day online in the history of this campaign and it has not stopped. >> stephen: yes, and it is not stopping tonight! i am writing a personal check to herman cain right now. all right, here we go. what is the maximum amount that you are allowed to write a candidate? $2,500? (bleep) that. (laughter) i am going with $10,000! all right. come for me, coppers. because hermann is the man. now, how bad could these new charges be? >> he put his hand on my leg, under my skirt and reached for my genitals. he also grabbed my head and brought it towards his crotch. (audience reacts)
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: it's time for the sport report. (cheers and applause) >> i don't have any sports stories i just want to put space between me and those words and that's the longest graphic opening that we have. (laughter) let's just say go packers. whatever it is you go do. (laughter) moving on. folks, everybody knows there is a war on the wellny this country and the only good news is the rich people have all the polo now. and things are starting to get rough, folks, massive demonstrations, uprisings by the downtrodden have happened all over the country with unreasonable demands for economic equality and threats of
cannibalism. they know we're delicious! who told? (laughter and applause) im'm marbled. i spend all day at my desk eating beer and drinking corn and being massaged by women. i'm human kobe beef. it's time for a special emergency ininstallment of colbert platinum, wealth under siege. (cheers and applause) (laughter) now, remember,... he grew a beard. remember this segment is for platinum members only so if you're not... if you don't have a 52-inch plasm pla screen on
your a.t.m. to watch your bank balance, why don't you run along and watch some extreme couponing. (laughter) okay, listen up platinum nation. the barbarians are at the gated communities. we must be ready to flee at a moment's notice because that's why i was recently comforted by a full-page ad in this international magazine. i read in the my dentist's office which is also a yacht. now, the good people here... it's a full page add. the good people over at haar grave custom yachts have our backs. the ad reads "we used to sell yachts as luxury items. in today's world they are really a necessity." (laughter) "because successful supreme now become the target!" yes, the yacht is a necessity for escape. i forone cannot imagine fleeing the collapse of society in a boat without an on board infinity pool! what am i supposed to dodd? go all the way down to the water
to swim? and these days who can you trust if not your yacht dealer? as the ad says, if you ever get discouraged and think nobody in the world cares about you and your dreams, trust me, the boating industry does. (laughter) (cheers and applause) oh, boating industry, you had me at "ahoy." of course, the problem is how do you get to your escape yacht through the angry marauders? platinum nation, i recommend the world's most luxurious armored limousine from london luxury retailer million dollar dandy, a name synonymous with toughness. this $1.5 million s.u.v. is packed with security features like night vision cameras and oxygen tanks and is built to withstand gunshots for 24 hours. (laughter) this is the perfect vehicle for
anyone with enemies angry enough to fire bullets measurable with a day planner. (laughter) and during that 24 hour hell rain of gun fire you will live like a king because it comes equipped with lush carpets, a drinks cabinet and a cigar humidor which, since the limo has no bathroom, will eventually double as a poop humidor. (laughter) (cheers and applause) you want to keep it moist. you want to keep it humid. (laughter) but... how? how, you ask? you get from your home to your vehicle without being detected by the hoards of mud men? well, just make your home a vehicle like the $3 million from marchy mobile. it's like a storm trooper bang add winnebago.
(cheers and applause) beautiful. beautiful lines. folks, this high-end camper includes everything you need: a master bedroom with a rainfall shower because how else would you experience rainfall when you're camping? a lavish pop-up roof terrace so you can still look down on people. (laughter) and a working fireplace for a romantic evening destroying evidence of financial fraud. (laughter) but, of course, even if you make it to your yacht, where will the 1% go to rebuild our society? luckily silicon valley billionaire peter seal has the answer, is funding the creation of a network of artificial libertarian island. finally a haven as connected to land as libertarians are to reality. (laughter) these anything-go islands will
have it all. >> it's a planned floating nation or city constructed on barges and water platforms. it will have everything like schools and homes and hospitals and bikes for transportation. even aqua farms for food. >> stephen: yes! aqua farms. now, i know what you're thinking who's going to harvest all of the aqua fruit if everyone on the island is rich? simple, we will breed dolphins with illegal immigrants and make aqua mexicans. hey! hey! hey! porpy, squeak in english! (laughter) and, yes, that's an artist's approximation. and, yes, you will be starting over in a brand new world but make sure to bring along your armored limo, your yacht, and your r.v. just in case these remote societies of no labors, no building codes or firearm
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. merry christmas, everybody! plerry christmas. ohio ho! yes, folks, the big day is right around the corner. it's not enough to just celebrate the holiday. this is the blitzkrieg on grinchitude. (cheers and applause) ♪ hallelujah... folks, in this bleak economy christmas means more than ever our best hope to fix the deficit is for tim geithner to ask santa for $14 trillion worth of
scarves with gift receipts. (laughter) but instead of helping santa, bureaucrats out there are sticking their budget-cutting fives into his bowlful of jelly. jim? >> faced with drastic budget shortfalls suffolk county new york has laid off santa. david mckel has been playing the part of santa at the st. james general store since 2001. the store's is partially funded by suffolk county and due to belt tightening this year, santa's $6060 contract was canceled. (audience reacts) >> stephen: they fired santa! how is he going to break this to mrs. clause? oh, they're going to be eating a lot of venison this winter. (laughter) here's the worst part, folks... if you have kids watching get them out of the room, okay? this is the secret i'm about to give out. this guy at the suffolk county general store, he's the real santa! how do we know?
because he fought in world war ii. (audience reacts) do you really think we could have beaten hitler without santa? i mean, that's how we took the beaches on d-day. (laughter) now, frankly... frankly, folks... (cheers and applause) santa with machine guns! santa with machine guns shooting them right down geri's tomb. frankly, i believe santa is better off in the private sector because folks, he's a job creator. that's why he outsourced everything to the north pole. he doesn't want the labor department asking questions about his seasonal migrant non-union elf laborers who, let's be honest, are probably guatemalan. hard to tell, they're all so small.
this year there will be no christmas. (audience reacts) unless i save it. (cheers and applause) so suffolk county, colbert superpac is willing to cover that $660. (cheers and applause) that's right, kids. i saved christmas and all santa has to do is come on my show and say that corporations are people. (laughter) and not naughty people, nice ones. i want to check the list. we'll be right back.
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks very much. tonight is the anchor of "saturday night live's" weekend update, i can't wait to hear him say "jane, you ignorant slut." please welcome seth meyers. (cheers and applause) >> what what a pleasure, i'm a huge fan. >> thank you very much. >> listen, this interview is going to have a honeymoon period and then there's going to be hammer time. your pick, hammer time or honeymoon? >> honeymoon. >> stephen: no, hammer time! that's what makes it hammer time. you don't get to choose.
no honeymoon. what's your angle over there at s.n. sflvplt >> our ang? >> east coast ivy league liberal elites. >> our staff is made up of.... >> stephen: east coast ivy league... ivy league school in >> northwestern university. >> stephen: that's the harvard of evanston. (laughter) >> yes, the harvard of evanston. (cheers and applause) >> harvard is the northwestern of cambridge. (laughter) >> stephen: oh, really. i thought it was the dartmouth of eastern massachusetts. (laughter) well, listen, here's my real beef with you. >> okay. >> stephen: you're a comedian. >> yeah. >> stephen: every night-- once a week-- (laughter) you go on t.v. and you tell jokes about the news. that's inappropriate. (cheers and applause) do you feel any responsibility that the young people... pew
research study says young people get their news from guys like you more than any other place. do you bear any responsibility? >> well, you know, i feel like sometimes the mainstream straight news option that americans have don't fulfill them and so.... >> stephen: oh, we don't? >> not all of them. >> stephen: we don't, okay? >> i'm saying it's sometimes nice to make light of the news. >> stephen: make light. okay, famine in somalia, go. come on, funny man, starving children. tickle my funny bone. >> there are certain things that are harder to make fun of than others. there are things that are off limits. >> stephen: such as? >> famine in somalia. >> stephen: okay, i accept your apology. >> i retroactively give it. >> stephen: thank you very much. let's get to the honeymoon portion. did i hammer you too hard? >> i feel pretty good. >> stephen: then i didn't hammer you hard enough. how is the season doing this year? >> it's really fun. >> stephen: do you have a show
this week? >> we do, yes. >> stephen: what are you doing here? >> well, i'm so flattered to be asked to come that i thought i'd taken a hour off. >> stephen: wait, we asked you? (laughter) >> i didn't just show up here. >> i thought you were lobbying me really hard to be on my show! >> no, i was told this was a favor. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, then, thank you? >> okay, so if you're here, you're the head writer, write? >> yes. >> stephen: who's head writing the show, you've got to go over there and make sure it's a funny show because if everyone show this year is not the funniest show, someone will write some pithy article in new york magazine that says that "saturday night live" is dead. you can't risk that! it's true. sometimes you have to leave for an hour so that you can say this all better be fixed by the time i get back.
(laughter) >> stephen: are you a tough guy? >> sometimes you have to be a tough guy. >> stephen: this is your 11th year. is this the longest anyone has been there? >> no, i think some people have been there longer. i think daryl hammond was there longer. >> stephen: do you get anything? like does lorn give you... >> lorne gives me his old watches when he's done with them. >> stephen: what's he like? >> he's great. >> okay. (laughter) >> stephen: that's the nicest honeymoon gift.... >> stephen: have you ever hostd? >> i've never hosted. >> stephen: you should host, man. >> thank you, that's not quite how it works. >> stephen: you don't need those outside guest hosts! that's an insult to you cast members. that's like lorne saying "you're not funny enough, you can't host this show." >> of all the lorne i impressions i've heard over the years.... >> stephen: yes? >> that's right in the middle. (laughter and applause) it's the equator of lorne
impressions. >> i've got to work on it. >> it had a nice british feel. >> stephen: i've never met the man. well, our worlds don't cross. >> no, they don't cross. probably why i haven't been asked to host. (audience reacts) >> stephen: do >> do you think you'd make a good host? >> stephen: you tell me, you're the head writer. >> do you do characters? >> stephen: yeah, see? yeah... >> who is that? who is that? (laughter) snoop. >> stephen: hold on. (laughter) i'm robert de niro see, meh. i run the town, meh. that's my detier roe. that >> that's if de niro had a kid with the penguin. >> stephen: seth, thank you so much. the great seth meyers, we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you everybody. before we go custom yachts, i gave you a shout captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - lemon. - i just got my bridesmaid's dress for cerie's wedding. it is a vietnamese size two. - dressing up isn't any easier for men. do you know what it's like when a younger man shows up