Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 11, 2011 9:30am-10:00am PST

9:30 am
comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whooo! whooo! whooo! thank you. welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. please. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!
9:31 am
stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: you folks, you folks are so good at that. it's like you practiced it two minutes ago. nation, the last american troops will withdraw from iraq by year's end. i tell them to shut off the lights on the way out but i'm pretty sure baghdad still doesn't have electricity. folks, i am glad we are bringing those troops back home. we need to deploy them where they are needed. australia. (laughter) you see next week president obama will announce a permanent u.s. military presence in australia. and i'm do excited. i had no idea invading australia was even on the take. (laughter) or as it's known down there, the barbie. you hear that you dijierie-dope. you're australian for bloep bloep, god, god, i hope, i just pray that obama calls this shock and usie. personally, personally i
9:32 am
would have gone with iran or north korea next, but if you think about, australia makes perfect sense. it's a distant desert land full of known criminals, speaking a bizarre dialect with frightening tribal music. ♪ i come from the land down under ♪ ♪. >> stephen: and folks, within the intelligence community it is a known haven for al-koala. what are they hiding in those pouches? and it makes sense strategically. australia is the gateway to new zealand. and we know those hobbits have a weapon of mass destruction. (laughter) now of course, folks, this will not be easy. australia has all the makings of another quagmire. it's been over 200 years and the british still haven't gotten out. the point is, i cannot wait to see our defense budget go down the drain in the opposite direction. (laughter) now nation there was a crucial republican debate last night, of course i say
9:33 am
that every show. odds are pretty good i'll be right. now previous debates were hosted by fox news nbc, cnn, bloomberg and last night was cnbc's turn. i believe next it's animal planet. (laughter) there's going to be some tough questions on the housing cries fris those meerkats. -- of course this debate will be forever remembered for one thing and one thing only, and rick perry can't remember what it is. (laughter) jim? >> and i'll tell you, it's three agencies of government when i get there that are gone. commerce, education and, the, uh, what's the third one there, let's see. >> you mean five. >> oh, five, commerce, education, and, the,-- uh, uh. >> epa. >> epa, there you go. >> let's talk deficit reduction. >> seriously?
9:34 am
is epa the one you were talking about. >> no, sir, no, sir. we're talking about the-- agencies of government, epa needs to be rebuilt, there's no doubt about that. >> you can't name the third one the third agency of government i would do away with, education, the, uh-- i-- commerce, and let's see-- i can't, the third one, i can't, sorry. oops. (laughter) >> stephen: now i was worried there until he stuck the landing with sorry oops. now perry should have just covered the way do when you forget someone's name at the party. the three departments i want to eliminate are commerce, education, and, uh, chief big guy over here. or introduce your wife to the department and hope it says its name to her. now folks-- (applause)
9:35 am
>> i'm not the only one who has compassion for this man. >> we all have sympathy for someone forgetting something. >> it was a tough moment. i think all of us recognize that that was something none of us would want to go through and it was very difficult. and we all felt very bad for him. >> we've all been there, forgotten something on a high profile level. >> you are right. >> it's a very human thing. >> the minute that happened, nothing but empathy. >> i think he looked human. >> stephen: brown haired guy who is not steve ducey is right. it made perry look human. that's something mitt romney would die for. (laughter) i'm sorry, i'm sorry. power down and restart. but with this humanizing moment, perry showed he's not just the kind of guy you want to have a beer w he's the kind of guy who got a head start on the beer before you showed up. i say, folk os, he's got to do more of this. the 14 more debates. and the next one i think perry should call all of his o upon ents roscoe, get his
9:36 am
balls caught in his zipper and then stride off stage like latin pop star juan gabriele. (laughter) >> stephen: i promise, i promise, you keep the flubs coming, governor perry and will you be our next commander in chief with your finger on the-- oh, come on, it's uh, it's big, it's red, you push it, everyone dies. uh-- sorry. oops. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
9:37 am
9:38 am
9:39 am
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, please, welcome. nation, we all know the occupy wall street protestors are dangerous. they're beating on drums now but soon it will be lloyd blooning fein's skull this cancer on capitalism has spread to every corner of the united states including, no surprise, folks, hippie haven uc berkeley where this week students stage product tests against banks. and dras particular statewide cuts in education spending. the university said protestors could stay and the plaza up to a week as long as they did not pitch tents.
9:40 am
come on. some of these guys are 18. they can't goto hours without pitching a tent. (laughter) >> now everybody knows who watches this show in the past i've had some harsh words for this slow-pa chully superfund granola dump site. but tonight i am changing my tune because yesterday berkeley university officials did the right thing. they told the students to leave. and for some reon, these free thinking berkeley students did not obey authority. so the university called in a team of skilled crisis managers to diffuse the situation with a rap session. jim? >> wow. looks like they were really making some breakthroughs there. you know when they say berkeley is crunchie i didn't realize they meant
9:41 am
the students' rib cages. and spearing a small asian girl in the spleen first shows berkeley's admirable commitment to diversities. of course it's no surprise this is all part of the berkeley tradition. the university web site proudly advertises its history of activism and instructing how to protest safely. so i'm sure those billy clubs were wearing con dumbs. but i'm happy to say the mainstream media did not blow this out of the proportion. the associated press described officers pulling people from the steps and nudging others with batons. yes, nudging. just like the rodny king nudging or when conner set up that slip and slide in birmingham. fol, i think these kids should be thanking the police and university officials. because everyone criticizes the occupy movement because their message is too vague. well at least next time these kids will have
9:42 am
something concrete to protest about. but remember, please, protest safely, kids. because i'm not sure how much more nudging you can take. we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] how it feels to chew 5 gum.
9:43 am
♪ ♪ spearmint that tingles as you chew. 5 gum. stimulate your senses.
9:44 am
riding the dog like it's a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment! luckily though, ya know, i conceal this bad boy underneath my blanket just so i can get on e-trade. check my investment portfolio, research stocks... wait, why are you taking... oh, i see...solitary. just a man and his thoughts. and a smartphone... with an e-trade app. ♪ nobody knows... [ male announcer ] e-trade. investing unleashed. >> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a legendary musician producer artist whose work with cold play, dird byrne and definiteo. hey, so have i.
9:45 am
please welcome brian eno. (cheers and applause) hey, mr. eno thank you so much for coming on. >> thank you very much. >> now sir you are a legendary artist musician, producer, back in the 70s you were in rocksie music but you turned your back on rock superstardom, right. >> yes. >> did you not. >> yes, i did. >> why would you walk away. >> from rock superstardom, hot and cold running women. why would you do that? >> funly enough that didn't stop when i walked away. (laughter) >> really? this will be an interesting interview. >> no, what happened is that one night we were playing some where. i had a buff time in roxy music by the way. but one night we were playing and i was singing. i used to do backing vocals as well as playing
9:46 am
synthesizer and i found myself thinking about my laundry. >> in a concert you were thinking about your laundry. >> yes. >> that's great laundry. (laughter) >> an i thought maybe i'm not in the right job here. and so you went on to do produce so many other people, right now you're not only producing music but you're back to doing visual art and one of the projects that you have got ongoing visual art project. it's called 77 million paintings. >> yeah. >> okay. let's show an example of what this is. okay, that is it, that is a bunch of different video screens, correct. >> yes, so that's about 18 feet high, that. >> okay. >> the whole thing. and what happens is that those screens change very slowly but all the time and they never repeat, actually. so you will never see the same thing twice on them. >> even, what if you waited a long time.
9:47 am
>> well, if you wait-- 77 million paintings, how long would that take. >> that's per screen so if you waited about 400 million years you might see the complete repertoire. >> okay. >> bus it's not guaranteed. >> so it's like the ultimate screensaver. >> yes. >> at any point do flying toasters come across or anything like that. >> not yet. >> why do you like things that take a long time. because are you also part of a long now project. >> yes. >> which is a chime, right. how long, it's a clock, right. >> it's a clock, a 10,000 year clock which we're currently being one in-- building one in texas. i went to see it last week, actually. and i suppose the idea is to try to make something that makes people think in the very long term. >> so it's a clock, it's going to run for 10,000 years. >> yes. >> and that's a lot of duracells, how are you going to run it for 10,000 -- >> it's a big clock. it's about 500 feet high. we built the first part of the shaft in a mountain in
9:48 am
texas and we've got another mountain in nevada to build the second. >> does it have an alarm. >> it has a chime. >> it has a chime. >> yeah. >> did you write the chime. >> yeah. >> can you sing it for us. >> not really. >> really? you do a lot of chimes. you're big in the chime world. you could do window's 95 chimes. >> i'm really into chimes. >> little snippets, did you do that by menen s that you? >> not that one. windows 95, it would be hard to remember it to you because i made 83 different versions of it. and i can't remember which finally got used. but it was my most popular piece of music ever. (laughter) >> you do things with art. you put art in places that they wouldn't ordinarily go. like you got the idea, walking through an airport, how does that happen. >> actually i was sitting in a lovely airport in coleogne
9:49 am
a new airport, everything was beautiful, it was a lovely sunny morning, but the music was terrible. somebody had put in a mix tape or something like that. it just didn't fit with this wonderful airport. and i started thinking well, what kind of music ought to be in an airport. what should we be hearing here. and i thought most of all you wanted music that didn't try to pretend that you weren't going to die on the plane. i mean let's face facts. >> all right. i faced those long ago. >> now you try to put art in places you say that are vacant or places where there isn't presently art. >> yes, in places where people seem to be leaving a hole. >> but in america there are no empty places any more. >> that's very true. >> it's all f we're not there, it's filled with advertisements for us to see. >> there is a mountain in texas we found a hole. >> you actually had to
9:50 am
bureau into the earth to find someplace where there wasn't an ad already? >> and the molemen were down there and they said drink sprite. (laughter) >> you say that singing can keep you young and sexy. >> uh-huh. >> can that work for anyone? >> look at me? (laughter) >> can i use that. >> i think singing is really good for you. >> do you have a recommendation of any songs. >> do you know lean on me, that song. >> bill withers i know that song. >> yeah, that's a very good song. we often-- i have an a capella sing group that meets at my studio every tuesday evening. a complete leer assorted bunch of people, very few whom are musicians. most are lawyers or television personalities. >> sound like wonderful people. >> wonderful.
9:51 am
>> please come back and we'll sing a song together. >> okay. >> all right, brian eno, thank you so much. >> thank you. >> brian eno. (cheers and applause) >> well's be right back.
9:52 am
9:53 am
9:54 am
>> oh, hi. i didn't see you there. i often blackout during commercial breaks. folks, i have been devastated ever since i got the news that legendary
9:55 am
rockers the rem broke up. they meant so much to us. when it comes to this loss, everybody hurts. rem was a hugely influential band known for their strong political views, like their support of gun rights on their album automatic for the people. and they were vanguards of product placement with their song orange crush. their breakup especially affects me since they were the first band to appear on "the colbert report." rem truly touched all of us with nair music and i like to think that i touched them. although due to terms of the nondisclosure agreement i am not allowed to talk about it. today i got an advance copy of their new best of album, part lies, part truth, part garbage, so many great songs, radio free europe, losing my religion, man on the moon, night swimming. all the songs you know, love and illegally downloaded. so i can think of no better
9:56 am
item to place on pie book shelf to commemorate rem than this album's lead singer michael. come on out here. (cheers and applause) good to see you. how are you. michael, everybody. now michael, thank you for joining us. >> thank you. >> how does it feel to be the first rocker pem nently enshrined on my rock 'n' roll self-shelf of fame. >> i was told this was an event to promotes human rights in burma. >> yes t is. mi very worried about the people of burma. come on, enough's enough. okay let's do this thing. all right. all right, are you ready, michael. >> yes. >> (laughter) (cheers and applause) michael, are you
9:57 am
comfortable. >> yes. >> okay. good because you are going to be up there for a long time. >> i can use the rest room. >> you should have thought about that before you memorialized. (laughter) >> all right, that's it for the show. michael, how would you like to end it? >> why don't we sing a song. >> oh, that sounds-- (cheers and applause) brian enoy don't you come on out here. brian's going join us. brian eno, everybody. (cheers and applause) >> thank you ♪ sometimes in our life ♪ ♪ we all have pain ♪ we all sorrow ♪ but if we are wise ♪ we know that there's always tomorrow note note lean on me ♪ ♪ when you're not strong ♪ and i'll be your friend ♪ i'll help you carry on
9:58 am
♪ for it won't be long ♪ till i'm going to need ♪ somebody to lean on ♪ please swallow your pride ♪ ♪ if there are things you need to borrow ♪ ♪ for ♪ no one can fill ♪ those of your needs ♪ that you won't let show ♪ you just call on your brother ♪ ♪ when you need a hand ♪ we all need somebody to lean on ♪ ♪ i just might have a problem ♪ ♪ that you you'll understand ♪ ♪ we all need somebody to lean on ♪ ♪ lean on me ♪ when you're not strong ♪ and i'll be your friend ♪ i'll happy you carry on ♪ boy ♪ it won't be long ♪ till i'm going to need ♪ somebody to lean on
9:59 am
♪ you just will call on me brother ♪ ♪ when you need a hand ♪ we all need somebody ♪ to lean on ♪ i just might have a problem ♪ ♪ that you you'll understand ♪ ♪ we all need ♪ somebody to lean on ♪ if there's a low ♪ you have to bear ♪ that you can't carry ♪ i right up the road ♪ and i'll share your load ♪ if you just call me ♪ sometimes in our lives ♪ we all have pain ♪ we all have sorrow ♪ but if we all wise ♪ we know that there's ♪ always tomorrow ♪ (cheers and applause) >> that's it for the report,