tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central November 15, 2011 11:30pm-12:00am PST
(cheers and applause). >> jon: hey, that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. our guest i believe will be diane keaton and i guess all i have to say is... go to bed, gabby. no, you know what, stay up and watch colbert. i think you'll find it very entertaining. here it is, your moment of zen. >> i mean, they asked me a question about libya and i paused so i could gather my thoughts. it was a pause!
we've got enormous news today, folks. we're all getting sick of the occupy wieters. it's been two months, we get it. income inequality down 1%, 99 red balloons go by. enough, enough. thankfully in the last few days occupy encampments have been decamped in portland, denver, oakland and last night in new york's zucotti park, occupy's birthplace. protestors were removed by says tarn. (laughter) now, my fellow 1%er new york mayor michael bloomberg had to take action. >> from the beginning i've said that the city has two principle goals: guaranteeing public health and safety and guaranteeing the protesters' first amendment rights. but when those two goals clash, the health and safety of the public and our first responders must be the priority.
>> stephen: yes, to protect everyone's health and safety they sent in this guy. (laughter) there he is, helping the wounded and the sick with his two fists-- florence and nightingale. (laughter and applause) we're taking blood donations! and his honor was careful not to violate the protesters' first amendment rights. >> new york city is the city where you can come and express yourself and what was happening in zucotti park was not that. it had developed into a situation which was prohibiting a lot of people from expressing their views. >> stephen: clearly their expression was prohibiting other expression. after all, when a drum circle starts in zucotti park, all other music in new york stops. (laughter) besides, the founders never
intended indefinite free speech. they assumed after two weeks any protest would be wiped out by smallpox. (laughter) plus, let's remember, folks, these so-called peaceful protesters could have turned violet like their fellow occupiers at u.c. berkeley last week. look at these vicious students attacking these billy clubs with their soft, jabable belly. (laughter) these students, of course, naively thought they were the ones being helplessly truncheoned. but berkeley chancellor robert birgeneau educated the students saying "linking arms is not non-violent civil disobedients." (laughter) that's right. linking arms is a dangerous act of aggression as taught in the ancient martial arts of red roving, square dancing, von trapping, and, most dangerous of all, yellow brick roading.
(cheers and applause) tear gas those anarchists. you don't need a house, mr. , you need a job! i already know they dropped a house on a witch and you know she's in the 1%. the point is, folks, i'm fed up with people who think they can laze around and be a drain on society. i don't do that. i work hard to be a drain on society. (laughter) takes a lot of effort and falsified paperwork to collect veterans benefits. don't believe me? ask 90-year-old d-day veteran colbert t. stevenson. thank you for your service, sir. fortunately, there are heroes out there looking out for the rest of us. tonight we salute one. >> society requires laws in order. policemen are the heroes who uphold that order. but even they can make mistake.
>> new charges have been filed against the plifrp who admits to confiscating marijuana and then baking it in brownies. >> i don't know what's in the brownies and i think time is going by really, really, really slow. >> so when the police fall down on the job, who stands up for us? meet jimmy justice. >> i only carry a video camera with me wherever i go and any time i see a police officer doing something wrong, i can film it and put it on youtube for the world to see. >> you just broke the law! >> jimmy's gotcha videos have garnered millions of hits on youtube. enough to earn jimmy jtice the title "difference maker." who is jimmy justice? >> i'm just your average new yorker who's sick and tired of watching the police department abuse their power, abuse their
authority superman was a childhood hero of mine and he would stand up for justice. >> like every superhero, jimmy justice has a unique ability. what is jimmy's superpower? >> jimmy justice' really, really annoying. >> you're not allowed to cover your badge. you're not allowed to cover your badge! he has a camera! oh, that's dangerous! i'm calling for backup. wahh! aren't you supposed to wear that? hide your face! i already got your face on video! what are you going to do, bite me with your gold tooth? (audience reacts) wearing a pea coat. it's a little secretive. waah. your days of running around this city like a cowboy are over! i am jimmy justice! (audience reacts) >> jimmy has been the dynamic douchebag for as long as we can remember. >> i've been called a pest, a
gadfly, an ass (bleep), a piece of crap. doesn't determine me in any way, shape, or form. >> like all superheroes, jimmy leads a double life. by day he's a mild-mannered audio systems engineer. but by slightly later in the day he's a stalker of police. and, of course, he has a trusty sidekick. >> i am absolutely not jimmy justice's sidekick. >> just what a sidekick would say. a sidekick concerned for jimmy's safety. >> i saw these videos and the first thing i thought about was, wow, one day somebody's going to kick his ass. >> oh, but that's not going to be easy. tell them why, jimmy. >> i'm trained in judo and jujitsu and i'm not afraid of somebody trying to kick my ass. >> yeah! bring it on!
(laughter) i will not be intimidated. i'm going to keep doing this as long as i have to. >> and like many superheroes... >> who is spider-man? he's a criminal. >> jimmy justice is often misunderstood. >> i think jimmy justice is a boob. >> don't you mean superboob? >> i think jimmy johnson is obnoxious and borderline committing crimes while he's doing his video. >> when i catch cops violating the law i always try to be respectful. >> are you retardd? are you on drugs? you broke the law! you animal. >> being really annoying is not a good idea. >> why not >> it's not professional, it's counterproductive. >> but sometimes it works. >> not in my experience. >> sometimes it works.
>> no, i've not seen it work before. >> sometimes. >> no. >> any time? >> no, never. >> well, sometimes, but clearly jimmy's doing something right. >> the vast majority of the public agree with me. 90% of the mail that i get is positive and encouraging and only 10% are death threats. (laughter) >> with moves like these it's going to take more than 10% of new yorkers to stop jimmy from his stoll lem commitment to being a complete tool for justice. >> get that camera out of my face! >> get your face out of my camera! you're supposed to enforce the law! waah. i am jimmy justice! >> stephen: thank you, jimmy. you, sir, are truly an n.y.p.d. bag. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
(cheers and applause) >> welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. nation, if you're poor, don't blame wall street. there's enough opportunity out there for half the country to be in the top 1%. (laughter) with my help and the help of the big red button. (laughter) >> sell your children for cab fare! >> stephen: this is stephen colbert's "bears and balls." (cheers and applause) first up on "bears and balls," a lot of investors are running
scared but there's one investment guaranteed to retain its value,, bow la monkeys. no? magic beans. no? celebrity relics. yes. celebrity relics. everybody wants dorothy's ruby slippers, madonna's cone bra, or j. edgar hoovers ruby slippers and cone bra. (laughter) but if you really want to make a chunk of change on celebrities, you need a chunk of celebrity. case in point: john lennon's abscessed tooth recently fetched more than $31,000 at auction. (audience reacts) and i'm sure john lennon would approve of the buying and selling of body parts. when he sang "i want to hold your hand" he never said it had to be attached to his body. and, folks, there's never been a better time invest in things that fall off celebrities. for instance, i am proud to offer this baby food jar full of danny devito's doe nail clippings.
(audience reacts) i got them with nothing more than a pain of clippers, a rag, and a jar of chloroform. by the way, danny, you snore. of course, any celebrity body apartment investments there are risks. i lost millions when the eric roberts bubble burst. and it wasn't easy getting a piece of him. >> they took my thumb! >> stephen: hey, i'm the one who should be crying. i can't unload this thing now. (laughter) it's a sad story. the safest investment of all... >> crystal meth! >> stephen: no. >> shaved dwarf pornography. >> stephen: not in the lower 48. >> gold! >> stephen: yes! gold! i love everything gold related. gold bouillon, gold coins, gold bond.
because a freshly powdered nut sack never goes down in value. and of course the investment company goldline intervagsnal. goldline has been endorsed by experts from across the fox news like monica crowley, laura ingram, sean hannity, and commodities analyst for fox business, klondike zeke. >> gold! gold! gold! (laughter) and like every other ad on t.v. telling me how to get rich quick i trust gold mines. which is why i was so shocked to hear this. >> local officials? n los angeles have filed a 19-count criminal complaint alleging misdemeanor fraud and theft by the company. >> the company touted gold bouillon, key executives conspire together to cheat and defraud consumers by steering them to hugely overpriced so-called collectible coins-- a bait-and-switch. >> stephen: oh, really?
i invested with goldline and the coins they sent me are both shiny gold and filled with delicious chocolate. (laughter) that is going to grow my bottom line. (laughter) (cheers and applause) folks, if the goldline executives are convicted, they could face a year in prison for each of the 19 charges against them. which is why tonight i'm offering them a unique investment opportunity. hi, i'm stephen colbert. are you a former goldline executive facing jail? these are such uncertain times in the prison economy, if you don't want to get shanked in the mess line, you'll need a reliable investment. safe, secure cigarettes from smokeline. (laughter) cigarettes are valued by everyone from the aryan brotherhood to the latin kings.
and cigarettes are a fungable commodity, they can be used to buy everything from toilet hooch to insurance against being beat within a pillow case full of soap. best of all, you gold line execs will appreciate that they're not really cigarettes at all, just cutup drinking straws stuffed with saw dust. (cheers and applause) smokeline, because you're going away for a long time, baby. we'll be right back.
(cheers and applause) welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the star of "happy feet 2." jim? >> this is just one big old foot after the other. no one will laugh at you, i promise. come on. ♪ i don't care what the people say... ♪ >> all you've got to the do is feel the beat. >> and that is the only movie we will talk about. please welcome elijah wood. (cheers and applause)
elijah, thank you so much for joining me tonight. good to see you. >> that's a very dangerous thing you did. >> that effect cost us $285 million. i'm sure i'll make it back. >> we're all in. >> stephen: now, sir, i'm a little bit worried about the clip we just showed. >> okay. >> stephen: because you play a penguin. in this. >> yes. >> stephen: you're reprising the role of mumbles. >> correct. mumble. >> stephen: mumble. all right, if you want to play one at a time, that's fine. (laughter) mumble from "happy feet" this is "happy feet 2." i noticed in that shot there of you with the other penguins it's wet on the ice. >> right. >> stephen: that global warming. (laughter) are you going to make me feel guilty about driving my audi a-8. >> it's climate change. >> stephen: oh, is it now? really? is there climate change in there? >> there is, a little bit. >> stephen: wouldn't that make penguins happy.
s that why your feet are so happy? it's warmer down there for them. it must be terrible. i saw that "march of the penguins thing." it's a nightmare. >> but they're used to it. >> stephen: you ever eat a penguin. >> no. >> stephen: it's like chicken fish. (laughter) delicious. >> i imagine. >> stephen: a little oily, perhaps? do you get tired of people going "hey, you're the penguin from happy feet! " >> that doesn't happen often. (applause) >> stephen: hey it's the kid from "ice storm." >> right! >> stephen: it's the seven-year-old set, really, that would have ever recognized me from "happy feet." they wouldn't recognize me anyway. their parents would have to say "he's the guy in happy feet." >> stephen: because you act so well we can't even tell you're that penguin. (laughter) >> right! i disappear into that role. >> stephen: did you do any...
method? did you hang out with penguins for a while? get into it at all? >> there's an extensive rehearsal period in antarctica. >> stephen: you have to clutch an egg between your legs? >> there was also huddle... when the penguins have to... they have to huddle against the cold during the harsh winter, there was huddle training. huddling together. >> that will come in handy for those occupy wall street people. >> absolutely. winter is coming. >> stephen: winter is coming. absolutely. now, listen, i resisted as long as i can. (laughter) but i'm about to break. i'm a fan of "lord of the rings" movies. >> i've heard this. >> stephen: now you have... you have something here. you have something down there. what do you have here? >> i have sting. >> stephen: all right. >> from the films. >> stephen: damn. (applause) now this is the one that you...
that you... that you... may i? >> please. >> stephen: it's got edge on it there. >> a little sharp. they make them for real. >> stephen: is this the one you carried throughout the movie? >> yes, that's one of them. we had a couple. that was hero sword if it were ever to be shot in closeup. >> stephen: either that one or maybe this one that... (laughter) that peter jackson gave to me. (laughter) i'm not saying that i'm just as much frodo as you are. i'm just saying that i've got... would you mind if we just let's... (cheers and applause) ... that's not the first time i've ever been in a sword fight. not in long, though. now you're also in "the how about" movie coming out next
year. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: are you going to go back down? >> i was just down there about a month. i'm probably going to visit. they're shooting until june so i want to be there. >> stephen: if you see him will you give him a note for me? >> i will. >> stephen: morgan dahly. >> ian mckel lann for you? >> stephen: i could tell he was a human. he didn't seem like a myar. >> right. >> stephen: did i just throw down. >> you did. >> stephen: did you meet ratagas. >> stephen: i didn't... i can't say anything. i went down there and i know things and i can't tell. i know things, you are things. it's just absolutely... i know things about that movie that i want to broadcast. i... >> we need to have a conversation. >> stephen: how about in just a minute. can you stick around for a second and we can talk about these things people won't get to
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