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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  November 16, 2011 11:00pm-11:30pm PST

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>> november 16, 2011, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the requested daily show." my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, we're very excited about this, actress, august oall-around wonderful person, diane keaton will be joining us a little bit later. we're very excited about that. ( applause ) dearest oprah... ( laughter )
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why is chocolate so sinful? look, i'm not going to lie to you people. that's not what i'm here to do tonight. i'm not here to lie to you. the country, the united states of america is in trouble. we have an enormous deficit, and we only have until november 23, one we'll from this very night to slash $1.2 trillion from that deficit or we will not get our inheritance. ( laughter ) actually, i think that's a plot for "brewster's millions." my point is, if we are going to achieve that deficit reduction, we are going to need a hero. >> most of the deficit reduction will be proposed by a so-called super committee. >> jon: ah, yes, the super committee. a group of 12 lawmakers who gained their powers after having been bitten by a radioactive accountant and are now called upon to slash our deficits.
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go forward, super committee. the fate of the nation is in your hands. >> the super committee can't even agree on anything. >> they can't even agree on what's going on at their meets. >> some complain senator john kerry is talking too much in the closed door meetings? >> jon: real estate! >> jon: really! john kerry talking too much. of course he's talking too much. that's his super power. it's all he's got. it would be like tell the flash to slow down or the hulk not to get so angry or mr. fantastic to stop blowing himself. ( laughter ). he's very limber. tremendously limber. ( laughter ) blows himself off. i can't believe he's found the time to stop a single crime, quite frankly. law enforcemenfrank ( laughter ) i know.
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i hea hear yeah. i wouldn't be here tonight. ( laughter ) now, look, i know what you're all thinking, please stop talking about super hero auto fellation, point taken. second, the deficit reduction super committee is going to end up like all the others. there was last year's bowles-simpson commission, proposalsed $4 trillion. the domenici-rivan task force, $6 trillion proposed over nine years, didn't get voted on. the gang of six proposed a $3.7 trillion cut. the five people you meet in heaven, $2.4 trillion in cuts. the three 10 organize deputy 6.9 trillion. >> this time it's going to be different. this time failure is not an option. >> if this super committee fails to come up with a plan that congress passes into law, that set off a trigger, automatically cutting $1.2 trillion from the
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pentagon, medicare providers and other programs. >> this plan calls for a tremendous amount of pain. >> it's really the new doomsday scenario. >> you can almost see the train wreck coming on this. >> jon: i wish there was a word that reflected this terrible outcome, just one word. i know the germans would have one of those. you know, they'd be like franken sticannen lager, but the train coming to destroy us if the super committee doesn't come to an agreement. >> sequestration. >> sequestration. >> sequestration. >> jon: ah. ( laughter ) failure would trigger sequestration, a process that combines congress' least-favorite things -- sequestering and castration. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and that is what makes this
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process-- really, when you hear that word, you almost automatically cover your genitals. i don't know why. and that is what makes this deficit reduction process different from all the other processes. congress itself has created a mechanism by which failure to accomplish its goal would trigger catastrophic, automatic cut. it is ironclad, a decree sent down from sinai themselves. i'd like to see them wiggle their way out of this one. >> the sequestration is not engraved on golden tablets. ( laughter ). >> jon: i'm sorry, say what now, there's a trigger. triggers can't be untriggerred. >> triningers can be untriggerred. >> lindsey graham said he'll introduce a bill to repeal the trigger. >> senator toomey is suggesting maybe there will not be those automatic cuts. >> jon: you know, congress, this is why people don't like you.
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( laughter ) i know enough about society to know you cannot give people the power to both penalize and absolve themselves. we would always choose absolution. here's a movie nobody would watch. this bus will blow up if it goes under 55 miles per hour! well, we're already under 55. another how about 50 miles an hour? ( laughter ) can you make it 45? sure, whatever, there's no ( bleep ) bomb, is what i'm saying. ( applause ) you know, it's stuff like this that makes me really begin to doubt-- it really makes me begin to doubt congress' ability to work together towards a common goal. is there anything that these folks can actually get done? >> congress released a new spending bill last night that changes president obama's plans to make school lunches healthier. the new bill keeps french fries on the menu at school.
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it eris races the requirement to boost whole grains and calls the tomato paste on pizzas a vegetable. >> jon: so the one thing that you've all been able to sit down and agree upon is that pizza is a vegetable. ( laughter ) clearly, are you in the pocket of big hot pocket. ( laughter ) by the way, who even asked you to do that? >> the changes were requested by food companies that make frozen pizzas and by potato growers. >> jon: ah. it's not democracy. it's di
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: as you know, two night ago, the powers that be in new york city answered the people's call and reclaimed zucotti park in lower manhattan. aka, the park no one-- even those of us who live across the street from it-- had heard of until the occupy wall street movement. apparently, it's a park in lower manhattan where people from wall
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street would go to smoke around noon. ( laughter ) anyway, we got it back! as for the movement, protesters have vowed to retake the park, if only to erect a monument to what was perhaps the original occupiers' biggest challenge. ( laughter ) they truly were the least toileted generation. but as our own samantha bee reports from a visit to zucotti park, on the occupation's final day, the movement was already being threatened by forces even more powerful than the city of new york. the prospect of becoming the very thing that they were fighting against. >> reporter: occupy wall street. it was born out of the loftiest of ambitions. >> we're trying to build a new society. >> all equal and civilized with each other. >> an open, horizontal, leaderless process. >> reporter: and two nights ago, the occupation ended. but maybe it was a good thing.
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as it dragged on the movement had been in danger of becoming the very thing it was fighting against. >> the more people that came, the more people kind of, like, seg gailed into, like, their own little groups. it split in half. >> up there is, like, "where the college hipsters who live in brooklyn if. and try to rule the park from, you know. and down here it's more of the poor people's encampment and it's kind of contentious. >> reporter: occupy wall street was divided by class. on the one side the elite with their library, apple pop-up store, and bike-powered estresso machine. on the other, the down wardly mobile with their drum circles. >> there's the ghetto. >> reporter: what do you call up top? >> that's more the aristocratic side, like the upper east side. >> you have the west enders and east enderrers. they're making decisions without the general consensus of everybody in the park.
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>> reporter: let me get this straight. you've been here eight weeks and you already have a ghetto? >> well, i mean -- >> reporter: i headed uptown to see how the upper crust felt living next to the ghetto people. what's the deal with down there? >> uhm, they're also members of our society. >> i think in any community, whether it be city, whether it be zucotti park, you have areas that are a little quiet eareas that are a little louder. >> reporter: oh, my god. you're political correctness. you're brogue up like a hemeium balloon you're trying so hard not to say it. >> areas of our park are inhabited by perhaps younger, more boisterous, energetic people. >> reporter: is there a course in condescension that everyone is taking here? has a good idea ever come out of the bottom half of the park? >> i think they do, on occasion,
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without them even knowing how good their ideas are, sometimes they come up with good idea >> reporter: okay, okay, that's interesting. you can give me an example of that. >> that would probably be hard. >> reporter: i headed back downtown to see how the moocher class defended itself. how many hours of work did you put in today? >> hours of work i put in today? >> reporter: ye. >> i'm not sure yet. >> reporter: have you put in any hours of work today? >> i don't keep track of time here. >> reporter: what percentage of the 99% are those ivy league ( bleep ) uptown? >> >> i would say 15. >> reporter: 15% of the park? >> yeah. >> when everything comes down and it gets scary and everybody doesn't know what to do, what do they do? they call on us. "oh, could you help us out?" >> reporter: perhaps the ghetto people didn't understand how har the 15% of the 99% was working for them. >> i'm here fighting for a society where everyone has o.k. cess to the goods of life. >> reporter: would you share your ipad 2 with one of those shiftless hoboze down in bunk
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town? >> no, but i think we should live in a society where everyone has access to technology and goods. >> reporter: it's not so much about sharing. it's about everybody having an ipad 2. >> or everybody having access to the material wealth of life. >> reporter: except for yours. >> this is a personal megs. i'm more against private property, not personal property. >> reporter: clearly it would be difficult to accomplish their goals in this contentious environment. fortunately, they had a solution. >> this is the space where our various committees and action groups meet to discuss the things they're working on and develop proposals for the general assembly. >> reporter: where are we? >> 60 wall street. the lobby of the deutsche bank billion. >> reporter: holy ( bleep ). i'm sorry, the big decisions of occupy wall street are being made in the atrium of the deutsche bank building? >> that's correct. >> reporter: i'm sorry, is my nose bleeding? >> no. >> reporter: because i feel
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like an aneurysm exploded in my head. here decisions could be made quietly and out of sight of the masses. another does the drum circle know we're all here right now? in any case, both the updown elitist and the downtown poorest can agree-- the occupation developed too early. they didn't ev have time to develop a middle class for this new society to crush. >> jon
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight academy award-winning actress. her new memoir is called "then again." please welcome to the program diane keaton. ( cheers and applause ) i'm very pleased. so nice to see you. how are you? >> i'm okay. how are you, jon? >> jon: we haven't seen each other in so-- >> i know, i know. >> jon: we were costars. >> "first wives." >> jon: they left what did you in the movie-- >> you're cute. okay, i'm sorry. go on. >> jon: it's the makeup. and if i were to take-- >> that's so not true. >> jon: it's the makeup and lighting and suit. can i tell something-- people
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meet me on the street and i'm dressed normally and i don't have my makeup on and their first response is always there, "are you okay?" ( laughter ) you have no idea what it takes. >> you're such a liear. >> jon: to healthy me up. i actually take transfusions of keith richards' blood. how terrible that-- let me show you this. this is the book "then again." i was expecting and i was all set for a very superficial, show business anec dotes. a famous actress has written a biography. this is a beautifulry written, deeply personal, very well observed, in some ways love letter to your mother, but also about your family-- it really is a wonderful book. who wrote this? ( laughter ) >> you're killing me. well, i wrote it.
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and that-- i o was i was the peo wrote the book. i'm diane keaton. it says that there. >> jon: what? oh, for god's sakes. >> i did write it. >> jon: it really is. is it hard to revisit-- you know, your mother was a very complicated, artistic, talented woman, but she kept these diaries. >> right 85, 85 journals. and i never read them in the course of her lifetime because, of course, my mother was so-- she was the most wonderful woman. how do you feel about your mom? >> jon: she's okay. ( laughter ). >> dorothy, dear dorothy -- >> stephen: my mother's very nice. she's wonderful. >> stephen: >> she was a fantastically active listener so that meant i got a lot of attention. >> jon: four kids, though, four kids. >> oh, yeah, four. i was the first of four. but she was just an astonishing human being. and i don't know, to me, those 85 journals, i didn't really
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want to know about her. i wanted her to concentrate on me. >> jon: sure. >> do you understand? i was the daughter who just cherished everything that she had to give me. i wasn't the daughter who i should have been, of course, which was to actually understand who my mother was as a human being separate from me. get it? so it took a long time for me to grow up. >> jon: did she ever say anything like that to you? >> no, because she kept to herself. i think that her release and her cathartic experience in life was to write these journals. and so finally, i began to read her journals, and basically, this book is using her journals with my words and juxtaposing our lives together, and in some way i think that, you know, my wish in life was, obviously, to become an actress. and i feel like the reason that happened wa of course, because of my mother, dorothy. >> jon: and one of the nice parts of the book is to see them take such great pleasure in your success. >> i know. >> jon: and come to see
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you, even in-- there's a great little note in there you wrote about when you were in "hair," in the 70s. >> oh, yes, i was in "hair." >> jon: she was in "hair." you write-- you know, it's this whole hippie thing. i don't care for it. i'm in "hair," but, you know. >> it was a little odd, yeah. >> jon: you were a california kid. >> completely, the beach. always the beach. where did you grow up. >> jon: california, the beach. >> this is what i mean, no. >> jon: no, new jersey. very similar except, obviously-- it's like california with-- if you would imagine california were a gas refinery. similar-- very similar to... ( applause ) no, new jersey is beautiful, beautiful place. >> i'm beginning to picture it now. >> jon: but this astonish ago when you were in high school, you developed a crush on an actor. >> judy garland. i had a lot of crushes.
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-- he was my first unattainable. but while-- you know what he said to me. we wrote notes in mrs. hopkin's civics class, and he wrote back to me once and said, "you'll make a good wife one day." ( laughter ) and i thought, i don't want to be a wife. i want to be a hot date. >> jon: right. >> you know what i mean? i didn't want that at all? i'm not a hot date. >> jon: can i tell you, something. he was always kind of an-- garland. >> dave garland. he was the first. next was i worked at the broadway theater in santa ana and i remember seeing "splendor in the grass." you probably don't know that movie at all, any of you here, but "splendor in the grass" starred warren beatty and-- did you see it? >> >> jon: yes. >> so anyway, he was to die for.
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i have never, ever seen anything more beautiful on film i was in high school. >> jon: it's almost like a poster-- >> and i met him. >> jon: you didn't meet him. you guys had-- >> i actually knew him. i -- >> stephen: you went out with him! >> yes, i did. >> jon: my favorite part of about that is you also went out with woody allen before that, and for guys like me, you have no idea what it meant for guys like me, woody allen is dating diane keaton? life is possible. you have no idea. and then when you, obviously, went on to warren beatty, we all went, yeah, i saw that coming. then life meat sense again. >> no, no, no,. we'd is a good-looking man. >> jon: please. with all due respect-- believe me, in your relationships, he's the one i relate to. but let's not kid ourselves. up against warren beatty...
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>> looks-wise, is that what you're talking about. >> jon: pretty much everything-wise. >> he had those cool glasses. remember? >> jon: that's what all the ladies are looking for. "hey, are you nearsighted?" ( laughter ) >> you're horrible. >> jon: can i tell you something, then again, it's on the bookshelves now. you have to get this. it's so well done. >> thank you. >> jon: and it's so nice to see you again. the next movie we do together i'm definitely going to try to stay in. diane keaton, ladies and gentlemen. >> thank y..
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