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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 30, 2011 9:30am-10:00am PST

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what's her name? um... exactly! (laughter) >> pelley: (screaming) tonight! herman cain's campaign is rocked again. and if his cam spain a-rocking, don't come a-knocking. then the catholic church makes a dramatic change, the college of cardinals has dropped the phys-ed requirement. and my guest is the musical group tinariwen, from a north african nomadic tribe which means they're always on tour. stalin's daughter is dead at the age of 85. your move, cindy hitler. this is report report.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us. (crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much you know what? that chanting would sound great accompanied by some gored. (laughter) nation, i am so glad you are here tonight because i do not want to be alone right now. (laughter) because, frankly, my faith in woman kind has been shaken. because once again, a troubled
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lady is trying to derail the herman cain train. (laughter) >> ginger white, a single mother from atlanta, says she had a 13-year-long affair with the married republican candidate. >> it's another case of he said/she said. >> stephen: now technically i believe we're now up to he said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she was paid not to say. (laughter) nation, this is devastating. because of this, the former godfather's pizza c.e.o. is considering the unthinkable. cain says he's going to spend a few days off reassessing his candidacy! her man, don't you leave this election lovers pizza half baked. (laughter) i'm saying this not just as a supporter but as a broadcaster. i need you in the race! (laughter) don't leave me with him!
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(laughter and applause) he brings board games, and there's no reason for you to leave! a 13-year affair just proves you can carry on a stable relationship! two counting your marriage! (laughter) beside, you've ridden out the storm over accusations like this: . >> he suddenly reached over and he put his hand on my legs, under my skirt and reached for my genitals. he also grabbed my head and brought it towards his crash. >> stephen: that's rough stuff. (laughter) but this new woman says the affair was consensual. i say things are looking up. (laughter) i mean, compared to all that reaching for the lady parts like a dachshund going after a ball under the couch these new allegations sound like leave it to... let's not say beaver. (laughter) >> she said he would fly her to cities where he was speaking and lavish her with gifts.
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>> he made it very intriguing. >> stephen: great. that's a plus. it reminds everyone how intriguing herman cain is. ♪ america... oh, yeah, that's the stuff right there. mr. cain, you can totally bounce back from this and be the front-runner again because if these allegations prove true, that means you are only one extra marital affair behind newt gingrich! (laughter) nation, they say every time god closes a door he opens a window. that's why heaven has such huge air conditioning bills. (laughter) this is yahweh or no way. (cheers and applause) folks, everybody knows i'm the most famous catholic on television. i am the only one in late night
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with his own chaplain. i am basically the pope of basic cable. so when something happens in the catholic church, everyone is waiting for my imprimatur, my nihil obstat, my my doggo doggare pupsi bite'em. (laughter) well, on sunday the holy roman catholic church, the one true bride of christ turned into a girl gone wild. >> catholics probably noticed changes during mass. the church is now using a new english translation of the ritual text used for celebrating mass. >> stephen: yes. they changed the words to the mass. they put the new words on this little card right here. caught me by total surprise. the catholic church is not known for changing its position-- missionary, by the way. (laughter) so the question is are these changes to the mass what god wants? yahweh or no way? no way! listen up.
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listen up, catholic church. do not mess with the liturgy. it is the infallible word of god which was translated from the latin which was translated from the greek which was translated from the aramaic which, of course, was translated from the original english. (laughter) besides, do you know how long it took me to memorize all these prayers? it was harder than memorizing "we didn't start the fire." (laughter) "our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name, they kingdom come, thy will be done, einstein, james dean, brooklyn's got a winning team, elvis presley disney land... amen! and get this out. get a load of the so-called improvements. the new nicene creed. the 1700-year-old profession of what all catholics must believe has been tweaked. it now describes jesus not as the understandable one in being with the father but as
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consubstantial with the father. really? consubstantial? what the hell does that mean? (laughter) we're trying to get into heaven here, not take the s.a.t.s. (laughter) and for the record... (cheers and applause) and for the record, co consubstantial is now istanbul. (laughter) folks, i don't think i'm overstating it when i say this is the single biggest scandal ever to hit the catholic church. (laughter) i certainly refuse to think of another. (laughter) the worst of all, with these weird new changes, now when i'm sitting in the pew i have to stop and actually think about what i'm saying instead of mindlessly reciting words while playing fruit ninja on my iphone. now, just because i think the pope dropped the ball on this one does not mean i'm not on his side. i'm a huge fan.
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he's got the hair of anderson cooper and the face of an angel that got stuck in a food dehydrator. (laughter) but apparently, not everybody out there is a fan of the popest with the mostest. specifically his brothers from your fatherland. jim? >> turns out the pope is not immune when it comes to seat belt safety. a german citizen filed a lawsuit against the pontiff after spotting the pope riding in the popemobile without a seat belt. >> stephen: jai, germany, the pope is infallible. he doesn't have to obey your student traffic laws. if he wants to 100 miles per hour backwards down a one way street on the sidewalk texting with one hand while he tokyo drifts through that school zone screaming "i don't give a (bleep) "with his windows down and his system up that is god's will! (cheers and applause) because, everybody knows the holy father has a need for speed. (laughter)
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he travels at an average rate of six miles an hour! so should the pope fasten his seat belt? yahweh or no way? no way! ladies and gentlemen, the popemobile is the safest car on the road. it doesn't just have a dashboard jesus, it has jesus in the dashboard. the pope doesn't need to wear seat belts because if the pope gets in an accident jesus deploys. (laughter) and if the pope had a little too much of the sacrament, jesus can turn the wine back into water so he doesn't get a d.u.i . speaking of alcohol, folks... (cheers and applause) thank you. my final judgment involves a controversial new billboard. >> the billboards came down hours after the anti-definition league publicly called them offensive. the ads touting the polish spired wodka claimed it had
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christmas quality at chanukah pricing. (audience reacts). >> stephen: yes. christmas quality, chanukah pricing. now, some say this ad is offensive to christians and jews and maybe even muslims because if you look closely, that dog is an afghan. (laughter) so is this ad offensive? yahweh or no way? yahweh! ♪ hallelujah... ladies and gentlemen, i am personally offended that wodka claims their $9 potato peel bathtub hooch is christmas quality. christmas is not about getting blitzed on vodka, it's about getting blitzed on eggnog. rum balls, rum nothing and egg balls. every holiday has its own liquor. whiskey is for st. patrick's day, tequila is for cinco de mayo and absinthe is for martin
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luther king day. (laughter) trust me, you drink enough and you will have a dream. (laughter) and vodka... vodka is a russian drink. their big holiday isn't christmas it's easter. and it makes sense because if you down enough of this swill it is going to rise again. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ross ameri,
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(cheers and applause).
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thank you very much! (cheers and applause) oh, such fun. folks, my guests tonight are a north african refugee band so their living conditions are slightly better than most american bands. please welcome tinariwen! (cheers and applause) gentlemen, ma'am, thank you so much for joining us. now, i've got to make some introductions here first. starting off we've got our old friends from t.v. on the radio tip and tonday, good to see you guys. (applause) i'm glad to see you're still winning the beard battle. (laughter) this is lola. lola you will be translating for us snowed. >> yes. >> stephen: all right, you'll be translated for tuami, ibrahim
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and yadu, correct? >> yes. >> stephen: my pronunciation is good? >> yes. >> stephen: you're a very kind liar. (laughter) okay, now you are tinariwen, correct? >> yes, tinariwen. >> stephen: you are from mali, correct? >> uh-huh. >> stephen: how did t.v. on the radio hook up with nomadic musicians from mali? tunday? >> i think it was in california, actually. we were at... >> stephen: just ran into each other at a starbucks? >> yeah, there's a really awe some deli, we were at a festival together, co-which he will la and been in touch ever since and they invited us to be on their new record. felt really honored to do. >> stephen: all right. now the new record is called it is ally. lola, if you don't mind translating for me, stephen
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colbert is a very handsome man. >> (laughs) (speaks foreign language) (laughter) >> stephen: thank you. >> they say they can see that. >> stephen: now, had you fellas... had you fellas ever heard of t.v. on the radio? >> yes. (laughter). >> stephen: yes, yes, they had. >> you bead surprised at the reach of western culture. >> stephen: i know the reach of western culture. i am western culture. (laughter) thank you. now, is there a big music scene in the desert of mali? (laughter)
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>> yes. (laughter) >> stephen: now, i understand these fellas were in qaddafi's military training camps to train as rebels in the mali civil war. is that true? could you ask that? >> he said that first of all
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they didn't go there just to be in the qaddafi army. >> stephen: yes. >> they went there... they went to libya to try to find a better life. >> stephen: i understand. >> and he says some of them, they went to... they walked everywhere. some of them they decided to go to the army because they didn't have a choice. they didn't... >> stephen: have a job. >> right. and that was the job. >> stephen: you've been touring for sick months. who are some western musicians you think are great? you're berbers, i assume bieber. (laughter) >> stephen: (laughs) oh, that's very nice. so this is your last... this is your last night before you fly back to mali tomorrow. if i can give you some advice:
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don't wear this in security. (laughter) you don't have to translate that one. (laughter) all right, we'll be right back with a performance by tinariwen. stick around. (cheers and applause) take this. it is a piece of me.
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>> stephen: here to rock the gourd with tenere taqhim tossam off the album tassili, ladies and gentlemen, tinariwen.
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(cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ you are a treasure, i've seen the world, i love you better you are the treasure ♪ ♪ >> you are the treasure of my soul ♪ of my soul
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♪ ♪ note? ♪ tenere taqhim tossam, tenere taqhim tossam ♪ tenere taqhim tossam, tenere taqhim tossam ♪ ♪ tenere taqhim tossam, tenere taqhim tossam ♪ tenere taqhim tossam, tenere taqhim tossam ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much! tinariwen, the album "tassili" is out now. we'll be right back. thank you so much.
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: that's it for "the report" everybody, but before we go i want to thans once again my band tinariwen for being here tonight. the album is called "tassili" it's on sale across mali right now. (laughter) they are available for bar mitzvahs. (laughter) good night, everybody.