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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  December 5, 2011 9:00am-9:30am PST

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november 29, 2011. from comedy central's world fuse headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show," my name is jon stewart, tonight, betty white. oh, we got a good one. betty white is going to be joining us. betty white, possibly the most beloved entertainer in show business and i'm just going to say it. tonight i'm taking her down. (cheers and applause) dropping it like... all right.
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let's begin tonight with the latest revelations about herman cain in our new segment "indecision wave the, after dark." daddy likes that lower third graphic. (laughter) baby. >> another woman has come fog ward claiming a 13-year affair. >> jon: crap! (laughter) well, we've got to change the sign again, everybody. (laughter) yeah. got to put it back to zero. who's this lady? >> her name is ginger white. >> she says for 13 years he flew her to meet him in hotels and lavished her with gifts. >> jon: all right, all right. first of all those gifts didn't look too lavish. (laughter) let's focus on the positive. two things, one, 13 years?
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that is an admirable commitment to the woman with whom you are violating your spousal commitment with. (laughter) and, two, after all those allegations about sexual harassment of underlings, nice to see herman cain going the consensual route. (laughter) kudos. (cheers and applause) now he was on the air with cnn when it broke. >> i acknowledge that i've known her for about that period of time but the accusation that i had a 13-year affair with her? no. >> there was no sex? >> no. >> none? >> no. (laughter) >> never banged her. >> no. >> (bleep)ed her? did you (bleep) her? (laughter) all right, well, let's move on to libya. did you bang her?
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(laughter) wow. 13 years, no sex. so either one of these two people is lying or herman cain is the worst deal closer in the history of extramarital affairs. (cheers and applause) it almost makes you feel sorry for the guy. >> no, wolf, no sex. 13 years, lot of hotel rooms, lot of gifts. (laughter) never sealed the deal. just... (laughter). a lot of hello, this is mr. cain in room 1102, gonna need a cot. (laughter) again. but cain wasn't willing to say that this was the last time he'd be accused of something. >> do you expect other women to be coming out and making similar kind of accusations? is there any evidence... none. >> is there any indication there are others out there. >> none that i know of! do i know of any that might come out? not off the top of my head.
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(laughter) >> this is where wolf blitzer should interrupt and say "we're a 24-hour network. take your time, dig a little deeper than the top of your he head. maybe try the middle of your head where your brain is, the thing that storms the names of the ladies you bang. once again it's boiling down a he said/they said situation. any evidence here? >> white provided the fox affiliate with cell phone bills and text messages showing cain up until this september would contact her at all hours of the day and night-- one at 4:26 a.m. >> a 4:26 a.m. booty text? even farmers don't cheat on their wives that early. (laughter) it's still circumstantial. fig sphels. >> when his new book came out in 2001, ginger white says cain
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once again autographed it for her writing "friends are forever, everything else is a bonus." (audience reacts). >> jon: no, no, no! no! you calm down! all right. in hindsight, yes, seems like flirty inewen doe. but it could be benign. let's pull back and see if he wrote anything else. "by bonus, i mean my penis." that's slightly more incriminating. can we pull back and see if there's anything... okay. yeah. he appears to have drawn a picture of his penis. well that... that had to have created quite a holdup in the autographed line for the book. but one what could be reason could cain have for the gifts and contact with this woman? >> cain said he was just trying to help white financially.
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>> jon: really, just trying to help her financially. i guess that explains the 4:30 a.m. text. "hey, just wanted to let you know the markets are opening in five hours. (laughter) just texting you to tell you to get your portfolio in order. (laughter) (bleep)'s gone crazy in europe. for more on herman cain's campaign issue we we head out to wyatt seine knack. wyatt, how badly is this going to damage his credibility? >> this is bad, seriously. do you know how often married men give money to single women they've been acquainted with for 13 years but haven't had sex with? never. (laughter) go ahead, try it. the check won't even clear. banks aren't set up for that. the a.t.m. says "what's wrong with you man? transaction denied, go home, come back when you get a kiss, dummy." (laughter). >> jon: first sexual harassment claims, now this.
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he's got to be thinking "what's next?" >> i can tell you what's next. this was the scene at the local atlanta fox affiliate that broke the story. (screaming) >> he touched my boob! >> he touched my breast! >> i road the cain train! >> they're calling it black walnut friday. (laughter). >> jon: thank you so much, wyatt, the scandal has taken its toll on the cain campaign. reports are emerging he might be consider withdrawing from the race which i strongly discourage him from doing. i already lost trump. i can't lose you, too. um... i mean, this guy is the goose that laid the golden egg. i'm sorry, that's acquainted with the egg. never laid it. never laid it. he's helping the goose financially with the egg. but if these allegations of sexual impropriety derail cain, who will benefit? >> her man cain was already losing altitude in this race. where do his votes go? >> to newt gingrich, i think.
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i think right now that anti-romney vote has coalesced arm around the former speaker. >> jon: voters leaf cain because they don't like he had an affair and go to the guy who had two of them! i guess newt gingrich becomes the candidate for people who like herman cain but think he was too monogamous. jason jones is sanding by. jason, where are you? >> i'm at rick santorum's campaign headquarters. >> jonquick note, if you're looking to directions for his headquarters do not-- and i cannot stress this enough-- search google ma maps. >> jon: i'm sorry, i'm just waiting for people do that and come back to the program. what's going on at santorum headquarters? >> he's what i can only describe as frothing mad. (laughter) about cain voters going to gingrich. >> jon: what why is he mad? >> what does he have to do to
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get respect? his credentials are unmatched. he's pro-life, anti-immigrant, strict creationist, he equates same-sex marriage with get to gt (bleep)ing. he blamed the catholic church's sex scandal on liberalism. for god's sake, he has seven children but had only had sex four times! (laughter) he's a poster boy for the conservative right but he never gets any attention. he's got a... >> jon: i'm sorry. samantha bee, where are you? >> i don' john, i'm in room 307e four seasons in hills dale, michigan and i can now tell you with absolute certainty where the next cain bombshell will come from. (laughter). >> jon: where, sam? >> jon, as god is my witness, i am telling you now that herman cain is underneath my skirt. (laughter).
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>> jon: herman cain is there right now? >> let me confirm that with my sources. yeah, that's going to be a 10464. >> jon: sam, this is it! this is direct evidence of impropriety. >> not according to herman cain, jon. he as issued a statement admitting he knows me and is, in fact, under my skirt but he says he's just providing much-needed financial assistance to my vagina. (laughter) as a friend. just as friends. >> jon: can you confirm that? >> i can confirm herman cain does not understand the term "financial assistance." quit it! herman, you are bad!
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. shocking political news yesterday. >> as expected, barney frank, a congressman in the united states house of representatives for over three decades announcing his retirement today, suddenly. >> jon: quitter! he only served 16 terms. or as it's known in the house of representatives, the freshman 32. (laughter) he's leaving so early he hasn't developed a charlie rangel front butt(audience reacts) i truly hope that that's air.
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or ted stevens' anger management problem. >> no! >> that guy was in the senate for 114 years. second long nest history. no one leaves congress voluntarily. certainly not one of the most powerful democrats in washington, something's got to be up. >> i was planning to run again and then the congressional redistricting came. the fact that it's so new makes it hardener terms of learning about new areas, introducing myself to new people. so i would have had this very difficult situation in which i would be going to people in attleborough, bellingham and over areas and saying "please, let me be your congressman and let me work on your problems. ". >> jon: so his reason for stepping down is that if he did run in 2012 he would for the first time in 20 20-years have to make himself appealing to voters. the news of his departure was greeted with respect to his service for the country. >> say good-bye to barney frank.
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>> he saw the writing on the wall. he's gone. >> will barney frank's departure be a boost for the economy? (laughter) >> jon: you know, i don't know what the republicans are crowing about. losing barney frank is the worst thing that could happen to conservatives. he's the perfect avatar of everything they hate: gay, jewish, taxachusetts, arrogant, condescending liberal. he's your everything bagel. >> if you want to put people in jail, i want to second what michelle said. you ought to start with barney frank. >> there's no member of congress who mistreats other human beings personally more consistently and harshly than barney frank. >> the slimiest of the slime. >> he's corrupt. >> barney frank is an idiot! >> barney frank. all he did was run a gay prostitution ring out of his house office. (audience reacts) >> i thought you guys loved job creators. (laughter) (cheers and applause)
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look, i don't know what republicans are going to do. barney frank leaves the house finance committee who do you think the will replace him thaty can beat up half as gleefully. >> he could be replaced by maxine waters. >> jon: that could work for you. maxine waters for helping bank her husband owns stock in. this maxine waters? >> as far as i'm concerned the tea party g k go straight to hell. (laughter) >> jon: all right, the keening is dead, long live the queen.
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, oh, we love her, an actress, her new book is called "betty and friends, my life at the zoo." her t.v. land show "hot in cleveland" returns tomorrow night. how. >> how did you guys find he? >> we were searching the guest house for clues when i noticed you had written on a pad next to the phone so i started to shade over the impression and that's when i realized it was a souvenir pencil from the happy shopping grounds! (laughter) don't let him scare you. >> listen, we don't want to blow your cover but your message worried us. >> i knew i should haven't said i missed joy. >> jon: please welcome back to the show betty white. (cheers and applause) young lady! >> so nice to see you!
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(cheers and applause) thank you, thank you. (cheers and applause) oh, they're changing their name of the show. >> jon: they're gonna. >.that was tremendous. when they stand like that for me i always think they are leaving. >> and sometimes they are. (laughter). >> jon: so nice to see you. >> so nice to see you, but you have changed my life. >> jon: i have? >> i've just been watching the show so far tonight. >> jon: really. >> i mean, well all these... you know, i... i always kind of avoid... i keep my private life private. but i've been doing it wrong all this time. and i'm going start naming people.
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(laughter) i'm not going to name herman cain and newt gingrich and all those folks because dick cheney... >> jon: i'm going to name them for you. >> well, everybody has done that. but i think it's kind of exciting that i can just go... the only one little drawback is i'm going to be 90 in january... (cheers and applause) it isn't anything i accomplished. it just happened. (laughter) but i... when you get to be that old you can't remember the guys you've had. (laughter) i go back and think i remember the where but who was that? i think i'm going to change my whole approach thanks to you. >> jon: you're very, very welcome. you know, you could always work with just head shots. just have them leave a head shot, put it up and then you'll always have it. like a comedy club. that's what we used to do. >> oh, yeah, that's good. but i don't always want to have
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it. >> jon: (laughs) i'm excited. you got your television show, the "hot in cleveland." you have this book you've written. me, i work 22 minutes a night i'm exhausted. but the book is... you've written an exotic cook book... (laughter). i guess all your favorite recipes for giraffe. >> shame on you! >> jon: here's all you need to know about this book. show them the picture of... this is betty white with... (audience reacts) do you know who this is? this little cutest fellow here? >> that's... that was little lena. and i... and now lena's in albuquerque at the albuquerque zoo and lena is like this now. >> jon: gigantic. is that a gorilla. >> yes, baby gorilla. and i've been working with the los angeles zoo... a lot of zoos but los angeles zoo for over 50 years and the photographer, the
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wonderful photographer who took all the pictures in here, all through the years he would give me a print of pictures that he's taken, gorgeous pictures. and... but i've been with the zoo so long many of those animals in there are personal friends of mine. >> jon: oh! >> so i printed... i said i had to show his pictures but then i just talk about my personal friends. >> jon: now have they had to buy the book or do you give copies to your friends? (laughter) or does lena... i mean, does lena get a copy or how does that... >> no, i... you have to make them work somewhere along the line. (laughter) and i think lena took up a collection among all the keepers. >> jon: that why the gorillas are always shaking the luggage to get some more money. >> probably, probably. i shake my baggage, too. >> jon: don't we all. would they... did the animals at a certain point... do they
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recognize you? do you feel like you have a relationship with them? would this large gorilla know you? >> well, she did when she was a baby and i was holding her but then she moved to albuquerque so i haven't had a chance to do that. but the one on the back, the white whale at the aquarium. >> jon: can you get that, dismuk. >> that's beethoven and beethoven does... he's in this huge pool as big as this whole studio and he... when he knows i'm there he comes swimming across i'm in the water up to here and he kisses me right there. (audience reacts) oh, he is wonderful! >> jon: they're incredibly smart these whales. >> oh, they're so intelligent and you can... he comes up, he swims up and i'm sitting on the edge of the pool and he puts his head which is about like this on my lap and so then the... his trainer and best friend says "beethoven, why don't you show betty your teeth."
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well he hopes this mouth and i run my finger around his teeth, around here and he just thinks that's wonderful. (laughter) and i think... i'm... i've got my hand in the mouth of a beluga whale. how lucky can i get? >> jon: yeah, that trick only doesn't have to work... (laughter). keep your hands... "hot in cleveland" premiers wednesday night? >> yes, tomorrow night. >> jon: you're the best. >> oh, thank you so much. (cheers and applause) >> jon: betty and her friends watch the show "hot in cleveland." betty white. can't do any better. (cheers and applau))
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. sad news, once again we lose somebody who's too funny too soon in comedy. here it is, your moment of zen. >> you know how you can tell how pretty a white woman is? the value? you look at her and then you wonder how long they would look for her if she was missing. (laughter) what's his name joran van der sloot. we know the girl that he... you know, what's her name in rob? natalee holloway. right? but the one he just killed a girl in peru. what's her name? um... exactly! (laughter)