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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 16, 2011 6:30pm-7:00pm PST

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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. thank you so much. stephen, stephen, stephen!
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stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> stephen: folks, i love an obedient mob. folk, i think we'll all remember where we were when we found out that donald trump would not be hosting his republican debate. (laughter) >> stephen: i was eating a porterhouse the size of a minifringe. once again, i immediately stepped if in to console a grieving nation, by announcing stephen colbert south carolina serious classy republican debate. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and now-- i don't blame you. and now everyone who is anyone wants in on it. it is the biggest a list celebrity magnet since drought. case in point, last night
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natgeo wild jumped in begging me to host a debate on their chan well an edible arrangement, okay. i love natgeo wild, nothing but high defer footage of zebras fighting antelope, cheetahs fighting rhino, all in the buff but it is natgeo so it is tasteful. these are smart guise. they know how hugely massive this debate going to be. and to prove how much they are in today, natgeo wild road over here on their lama and dropped off this actual promo, jimmy? let it off the leash. >> they're coming, to witness the greatest battle in the history of the universe on the wildest place on television. moderated by the most dominate human being in the entire animal world. stephen colbert's natgeo wild south carolina serious
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classy republican debate with stephen colbert and caesar milline, no date yet, just clear your [bleep] calendar, it's on natgeo wild. >> it is going to be wild. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: okay. folks, natgeo wild doesn't pull out their lion humping footage unless it's serious. so this is the animal kingdom. natural selection was bound to kick in. today i also received this basket of melons from animal planet, okay. pure uncut peruvian honey do, all right, only the best. animal planet, the best planet, ruled by meercats but a democracy like america, plus animal planet posted if when you host your debated on our network we will change our name to colbert planet! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now, folks, now
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you're speaking mylan gauge. a language where every other word is colbert. you heard them, natgeo wild, it's time to raise the ante. i will go with whoever can get the republican candidates to show. i say the theme, nature. it's an all-kid audience, all questions from the kids. maybe some animals can ask questions too. but no african gray parrots. they've got a bigger vocabulary than rick perry. (laughter) nation, it's on, it's happening. the 3w59 el, like rams, like rams and a mountain, the fighting over me. i'm sorry t happens. nation, countries ma is only two weeks away and the forces of humbug ree are hum burgering us. like in rhode island where governor lincoln chafee is chafeeing my ass by referring to the state house evergreen as a holiday tree. oh come on, a holiday tree? what other holidays have trees. are we going to offend the shinto winter bon zy festival? yes, christmas is under
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attack in america and it's not just holiday trees, it's store greeters saying happy holidays. and hotels naming themselves holiday inn. it's christmas inn, read the constitution. (laughter) so i've got to say christmas too, i guess this is the blitzkrieg on grinchitude. (cheers and applause) jess cuss really do that stuff. folks, our first gaggle of grinches are large department stores, macy's, nieman marcus, lord & taylor and j.c. penney have stopped offering free gift wrap. according to nieman marcus, more and more people like to
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wrap their own packages or are happy with a beautiful box. or really? you want to swhee comes in a beautiful box? (laughter) >> that man needs a gift basket from clinique. nation, i am a red blooded american male and there are some things i will never learn. what a duvet is. the names of my nieces and nephews, and gift wrapping. look what happened when i tried to wrap my wife's present, okay. this is a pair of earrings. (laughter) >> and it just works forget ho, ho, ho this year, santa is being taught now how to say no, no, no. this holiday season he is balancing the job of being a generous santa with a new reality of having to tell children to lower their expectations in a bad economy. you asked for anything that you want from santa but
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unfortunately, santa has a budget too. and we're in tight times. mrs. clause and i had to sit down and we literally had to cut back. if every child asked for an ipad, we would be bankrupt. >> stephen: listen up, fatman, the whole point of you being at the mall is to upsell these kids. when littlejohnee asks you for an xbox you remind him how much cooler he would be with the conduct, a one-year live x box system and you don't say ho, ho, ho, nothing can match the 3-d graphics of your imagination. and if a kid asks you for something that is too expensive, you do the responsible thing, you tell him he is not been good enough. now think how much more responsible he will be when he asks for that red schwinn speedster only to discover on christmas morning that it's another year of sweaters and tube socks. won't he be extra motivated to behave better next year?
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week after week he'll be mailing you those letters asking for that bike because this time he is sure he's been a good boy. he did his chores. he ate his beans. and he didn't cries once when everyone at peewee softball called him a spaz with. who cares if he can't throw some stupid ball from home plate to the pitcher's mound without it taking three bounces. one day he's going to race away from that game on his red schwinn speedster and shriek across the sky like a magical supercome ed and then they'll all see. i mean what more does he have to do, santa? he just wants to ride. other father christmas, oh father christmas, if you loved me at all, let me ride! (laughter) (cheers and applause) finally, folks, good news on the christmas war front. some folks are fighting back
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fully armed, jim? >> when you think 6 santa claus and an ak-47 assault rifle doesn't come to mind but a ammo packing santa has been turning up at the scotts dale gun club in arizona letting members pose with santa along with their choice of guns. >> stephen: nothing says christmas like an ak-47. and even if it doesn't, with an ak-47 you can make christmas say anything you want it to. folks, i am all for this. why shouldn't our guns be able to participate in christmas too? i mean my gun's sweetness loves christmas. what's that? what's that, baby? speak up, what's that? >> yes, i think there might be some armour piercing bullets and under the tree. no peeking now. in fact i have only one complaint for the scotts dale gun club. look at their web site. get your holiday picture with santa and his machine gun.
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what dow mean holiday picture. they are taking their christ out of jesus christ watch where you point that thing. so this year, folks, why not gather up the family, come to oh, look, we're under the mistle toe.
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>> (cheers and applause) welcome back. thank you so much. nation, you know when it comes to accurate hard hitting news there was only one place i turn. myself. there is no one i trust more to tell me what i think. but when i cannot find a reflective surface my back up is always fox news anchor
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and queen of narnia megan kelly. but even she on occasion drops the ball. >> seven candidates ready to make their final push in the hawkeye state, future gingrich has seen a surge in the polls but that support may be fading. >> stephen: did you catch it? it flies by for about a half a minute, but for mitt romney they used a photo of president obama. it is an easy mistake. they have the same popularity among republicans. (laughter) >> stephen: now some out there are saying that this is a subtle attempt by fox news to equate the moderate mitt romney with the democratic president. but megan kelly was quick to catch ther are rohr about an hour later, jim. >> we want to update you, folks, that we earlier in the hour we put a photographic that was incorrect it identified mitt romney way picture of barack obama. as it turns out they are not the same man. not philosophically, not ideaologicallically, not in
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any other way. >> stephen: okay, they regret the error. so much so that i think that this guy is quitting. it was just-- (applause) >> stephen: it didn't mean anything it was just a jump el fraud yen-- simple fraud yen slip named of course after sigmund flawed, i' i'm-- sigmund fraud, i'm sorry, jimmy, put up my mom, i mean breasts, i mean freud, for the love of god, jimmy, blur the penis. now for whatever reason fox new's lip flub hurt mitt romney's rock solid conservative image that is why i am call on meg kelly, no, megan kelly, no megan kelly-- no, megan kelly, no, megan kelly! no, megan kelly! no, megan kelly! no, megan kelly! no, mega-- megan kelly.
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yes, megan, the correction was nice. but talk is cheap. to make it up to mitt romney you have got to accidentally put up the wrong picture for every other candidate. maybe for rick perry you go with george bush as played by josh brolin. ron paul, maybe a dried apple doll. gingrich, a bob's big boy. michele bachmann, a staerlted lemur, rick santorum, let's say a vanilla ice cream cone that hates gay people. still, anyone of these fine candidates could be our next president. you hear that, barack obama? you and your health insurance mandate are going down, buddy. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) is
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(cheers and applause) >> welcome back, everybody. my guests tonight is the
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star of the movie the girl with the dragon tattoo. >> who is it? >> it's michel bloomquist. may i come in, please. >> hi, you and i need to talk. i've got us some breakfast-- sorry, i didn't realize you am -- >> hey, who do you think are you? >> i'm the guy you know better than my closest friends do. why don't you put some clothes on, get rid of your girlfriend. we need to talk. >> stephen: i will go see that please welcome daniel craig. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you.
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(cheers and applause) well, mr. craig, thank you for joining me. (cheers and applause) >> very good. >> pleasure to you have here. i'm a big fan. now sir, we're going to get to the girl and her dragon in just a second here. but i have a bone to pick with you as a cultural icon, okay. your bond, okay, you have a sporblingts you realize that. >> yes, yeah. >> in what way. >> explain yourself. >> well, bond is an example for our young men out there. >> yes. >> okay. why is he so promiscuous. why can't he marry-- why can't he marry pussy galore,
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mrs. pussy bond, that's got a ring to it why does very to be bedding everything in sight? >> i think because he lives, you know, the sharp end-- short end of life and is always risking his life and he's always if danger and sort of out of that comes a is very voracious sexual appetite. >> stephen: is there any of that in you? (laughter) like is that hard for to you play or is that type casting for you? >> i have fallen into the part. i mean-- . >> stephen: what else have you fall eninto. (laughter) 2008 you were one of people magazine's sexiest men alive, okay. 2007 i was one of people magazine's sexiest men alive. so for the record i'm onier sexier than you. do you realize that. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: let's talk about your character, in this movie he is, let's see, he is a magazine publisher, an investigative journalist who
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tries to solve a 40-year-old mystery with the help of this sort of sexy troubled hacker. >> that's right. isn't that unrealistic to think that someone would still work for a magazine these days (laughter) >> that's very true. i mean the books were written ten years ago so i suppose there were more magazines around and more newspapers around then. >> so it is a fair piece. >> do you work out? >> sometimes, yeah. >> dow. >> oh, yeah. >> i'm one of the sexiest men alive in 2007. >> well, listen, i have only pumped up to sexy. what dow brench. >> i don't bench. >> i don't bench press. >> what dow do mostly core work. >> yeah. >> stephen: really? serious, i just want to know what to do do, hot yoga. >> hot yoga! >> stephen: you want to arm wrestle. >> if you want to stephen.
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>> stephen: yeah, let's arm wrestle right now. >> all right. >> stephen: put the hand in there. >> is that what we are going to do. >> stephen: you ever see over the top with sylvester stallone. >> yeah. >> stephen: wait, wait, you already broke your wrist. all right, there is so strange. >> ready? okay, one, two, three, go. >> you're playing with me. >> stephen: come on. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you realize of course that i have final cut. >> are you not one of those stores that shoots off his mouth. you have said that you don't like talking about things that you don't know about.
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>> yeah. >> stephen: why not? i love talking about stuff i don't know about. >> are you good at it. >> stephen: you've got a british accent. are you kidding? everything that you say with a british accent seems smart. you brits know that, right? >> no. >> stephen: yes, you do. you play it so hard on us over here. we'll believe anything you say. we believe tony blair. >> i've got a couple things that would sound really great to say way british accent. would you be willing to say them. >> i'll help you out. >> stephen: just try one of these. just look into the camera there, and with your most steelly gaze would you say one or two of those, please, really, really sell it. british, forceful, all right, all right, all right. >> into this one here. >> stephen: yeah, sure, right there.
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>> i hand wash my sweater vests. >> stephen: i believe that, i believe that. daniel craig, it is a delight to lose to you. daniel craig, the girl with the dragon tattoo. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll be right
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>> stephen: oh, hi, i didn't see threw. i have been huffing egg nothing. nation this is the last show, of 2011. a year that has been tough on everybody. according to


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