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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  April 18, 2012 1:00am-1:30am PDT

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have you ever thought about joining the united states army? it's-- oh, oh, excuse me. i will, uh, talk to you two later, pardon me. - what's all this? - this is your lucky night. i wanna be your fantasy. whatever you want me to do. whatever you wanna do to me. you just tell me your naughtiest fantasies, will, and you'll get it. - seriously? - seriously. - like for realsies? - for realsies. - well, how about we call up your friend erica-- aah! [thud] - good night, everybody! good night. thank you for coming out. - [harmonized chanting] ♪ my one line here - oh, yeah.
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>> jon: april 17, 2012. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! boom, my name is jon stewart. good one tonight. oh, my guest, julia louise dreyfus will be joining us from her brand new vie "v.p." but we're going to start with our brand new segment on the show called hey, that guy live there is! (laughter) you'll understand it in a second. yesterday professional ad adventurer and part time snidely whiplash impersonator geraldo rivera was in afghanistan covering the taliban's recently relaunched spring offensive where he scored an exclusive
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phone interview with a taliban spokesperson. >> all right. our dear friend, long time afghan producer, he has the taliban spokesman on the line. ask how he feels about getting his ass kicked. (audience reacts) (laughter) >> okay, two things, one, i can't believe how good the cell phone reception is in afghanistan. how many bars do you think that guy's pulling. number two-- and perhaps more importantly-- geraldo, that guy live there is! (laughter) maybe you shouldn't announce his name and show his face while making him taunt the taliban for you. >> that's great power. you got 17 dudes killed what do you accomplish? >> all right, he's making a speech. he's making a speech, it's propaganda. what did he win? what did you win? jerkoff, what did you win?
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(audience reacts) >> jon: obviously i'm not an expert on local customs in afghanistan but i do think to religious extremists "jerkoff" is considered an insult. (laughter) my hope is akbar here has spent enough time with geraldo to be loose with his pashtoñr translation. >> ask how he feels about getting his ass kicked. >> the man from the car owe cart game would like to inquire how you are feeling this fine morning. (laughter). >> jon: geraldo, when you return home to the states you have nothing to fear from your neighbors although your friend akbar lives in afghanistan surrounded by those jerkoffs. (applause) because, to reiterate, hey! that guy lives there. (laughter) it's tax day. so just as americans are writing
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their checks to the i.r.s., senate democrats have decided to bring to a vote the buffett rule that ensurings people earning over a million dollars a year pay an effective tax rate of 30% including investment income as opposed to the jimmy buffett rule which is which assures that... what's that? oh, everybody's done that joke already? all right. (laughter) how about the buffet rule that says you should use the tongs for... (laughter). i'm just being stupid. i understand. to the senate floor. >> the buffett tax would raise a mere pittance in the scope of federal budgets. >> it would cover about two day's worth of the deficits. >> it would raise about half of one day's worth of federal spending. >> jon: that wouldn't pay for a half day's work on the secret reanimate ronald reagan project... oops. (laughter) zombie reagan.
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but point taken senator thune. the buffett rule would only raise... (laughter). the buffett would only raise... really? (laughter) my jimmy buffett joke nothing, the buffett caper joke... (applause). all right. all right. senator thune is pointing out the buffett rule would only raise $47 billion over the next ten years. i mean, that's barely... (laughter). 18.79... why didn't i ever learn to divide by 10? (laughter) anyway, point is, $4.7 billion per year isn't worth the trouble. >> the broader debate about funding for planned parenthood is not just ideological, it's a funding issue. over $300 million a year in taxpayer funds. >> $363 million a year to
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planned parenthood. that's a lot! (laughter) >> jon: well, there's some new math for you. so let me see if i can get this straight. $47 billion in millionaire's money is less than $300 million dollars in mammograms and birth control. is that what it is? (bleep). (laughter) to no one's surprise, the republicans successfully filibuster it had buffett rule using 45 votes to block it from coming to the floor for a debate. even if they had passed it republicans knew it wouldn't matter anyway. >> the wealthy have an army of lawyers and accountants who can help them work around this so-called buffett tax. >> jon: you know, i don't give the republicans enough credit for being deep. that's some no exit (bleep). "they just work around it anyway, what's the point, we're all going to die. we could pass the pw *uflt rule but it's like beckett said in
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waiting for god doe, we give birth astride the grave." (laughter) senator worm food from the great state of depression yield it is remainder of his futile and meaningless time. is that really view from would it not matter if we passed the buffett rule because rich people would just get around it anyway. where's deranged millionaire john hodgeman when we need him? oh, hey, hodgeman! (cheers and applause) >> john, you seem to have caught me in my stationary hover blimp. what can i do for you? >> jon: john, what would you do if we passed the buffett rule on incomes over a million dollars? >> i'd max out my earnings at $999,99 from investments then shift other revenue streams into a trust. why? (laughter). >> jon: so we would raise the
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capital gains tax. >> then i'll divert my investment income to the cayman islands. (laughter). >> jon: i'll penalize offshore assets. >> well then i'll divert my assets back to the united states and put them into a media company. viacom sounds good. (laughter) i'll use my controlling interest to make some personnel changes on their mtv network property comedy central. (laughter) then i will blimp crush your home. >> jon: what? >> and then i'll have you murdered. >> jon: what? >> what? blub, blub, blub,ky can't hear you over my stationary blimp. >> jon: hodgeman, that's illegal. >> jon, it doesn't matter what washington democrat throws at us, we'll swat it away. when all else fails i'll divert it to what we rich people call the last refuge of scoundrels, charity. (laughter) i'd reroute my millions through my nationwide met work of animal shelters. >> jon: at least there it does some good. >> jon: yes, good. for me.
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see i convert my taxable income into gold then grind it up into flakes and put them in the suspension of pure cinnamon this naps which i then feed to retired greyhounds. >> jon: you're giving greyhounds goldschlager? >> well, they're retired. they don't need to be in racing shape anymore. >> jon: so it's not shelters for animals. >> no, no, the animals are the shelters. (laughter) for my income. (laughter). >> jon: how do you get the income back... oh. >> think about it. it's what we in the business call "gross profit." (laughter and applause) >> jon: it's nasty. >> it's the reverse of what we call money laundering. >laundering.
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>> jon: i think
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. women. women. they're everywhere and apparently they're now allowed to vote. jason jones file this is report.
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>> are there's a new and powerful voting block this fall and womethey're called women. >> women are the tipping vote. >> they have to win women. >> women, women, women, women, women. >> but just who are they? to get inside the mind of a typical woman voter i sat down with political strategist tad divine. (laughter) >> women are the most critical voting block in our electorate. politicians who ignore women do so at their own political peril. women are the new soccer moms. >> well, soccer moms were critical swing vote in 2004 and women in this election i think are particularly motivated by the rhetoric... >> sorry, i'm going to stop you. i think it's embarrassing that two guys are talking about women with no women present. excuse me. >> this is exactly the kind of thing going on in this country for far too long. like when darrell issa held an all-male panel on contraception and when msnbc and fox held all
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male panels to talk about it. >> how do you do a piece about women when there's only men talking about it? it's pathetic. get some women here. >> tad, i'm sorry we're going to talk... >> okay, okay. >> change was going to begin with me. so i assembled representatives from some of the leading women's groups-- the national organization for women, emily's list, eleanor's legacy, girls for gender equity and the league of women voters. how important is it that women are heard? tad, i'm going to start with you. (laughter) >> i think it's critically important. first of all, there are more women than men who vote in this country so they have a huge voice. >> if we hypothetically had a group of women in a room, what do you think they would be thinking right now. tadd? >> all you have to do is actually talk to them and listen. and listen. talk to them and listen and you'll hear what they think. >> listening is so key. (laughter) >> we're just pissed off. >> what was that? >> we're pissed off.
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>> pardon he? >> we're pissed off. women across the country. >> women want equality, women want safety, women want equal pay. >> women on average are being paid 77 cents on the dollar. >> women would like to be treated like full-fledged citizens and to have our lives recognized and not devalued and marginalized. we count. >> tad, do they count? >> they certainly do when it comes to electoral politics, the most important powerful force and american electoral politics. >> that's kind of just the point i made. >> women are an important and powerful force. but which issues do they care about most in 2012? >> my wife has the occasion, as you know, to campaign on her own and also with me and she reports to me regularly that the issue women care about most is the economy. >> is the economy really the number one issue for women, stpha *d. >> i think women, like men, if you ask them in the polls, what's the most important issue
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say jobs, the economy, economic issues. >> what about this one down here? >what's she thinking? >> i'm a woman who want misbirth control. no one needs an explanation as to why our civilization needs it. virtually all women use birth control. >> tad, do all women use birth control? >> well, i've seen in polls that 99% of women of child bearing age in fact have used contraceptives. >> we're here and we can speak for ourselves. we need to have a right to choose what kind of contraceptions we'll use. >> jon: tad when she says that what dud she mean? >> i think she's referring to someone who's been told by a bunch of men... like, for example, when the contra acception hearing was held by the house, congressman issa held the hearing and decided to talk about five men, i can't imagine how offensive an event like that was for all women. >> well, i don't think it's just that women... >> tad was not finished. tad? >> i thought it was pretty pathetic, i'll tell you that.
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and what was even more pathetic.. >> this has gone on long enough. we know what's going on we feel don't have the privilege to face the opportunity to make light of this and for this to be a joke so we need to be heard here. >> i... i'm sorry. i apologize. sometimes we're getting carried away. i f i came off as rude, ignorant or sexist in anyway i sincerely apologize to all of you. especially what women are going through in these times. i'm sorry. >> thank you. >> thank you. >> thank you. >> now, tad, is that the type of pandering candidates will need to reach the women block? (applause) >> i think if we showed the film of your apology, yeah, it would go over very well. >> candidates, the lesson is clear in 2012, women finally matter. >> high 5. >> jon: jason jones. we'll b
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(cheers and applause) >> welcome back, my guest tonight, very funny actress who new show for hbo is called "veep". >> you can't go back there. >> what? let me tell you something, youel that (bleep)ing for brains president that... >> madam, if you would listen to me... >> i won't listen to you for one second. i'm not interested.. >> please be quiet! the president is experiencing severe chest pains. we just got word from south africa, we need to get to the west wing immediately. >> oh. i'm so sorry. >> ma'am? if you could just make your way in this direction please. >> where are we going? >> we're going to take you to the white house situation room. (laughter). >> jon: please welcome back to the program julia louise-dreyfus. (cheers and applause)
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thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> it's nice to see you again. >> it's a delight to be here. >> jon: the show is great. >> thank you, sir, thank you very much. >> jon: i do not realize this is armando' nucci from "in the loop." and how much cursing is in this program? >> a on the of (bleep)ing cursing. >> jon: (laughs) there you go. why not? you are the vice president. >> i am. i'm the vice president and when i first heard about this they said you're playing an unhappy vice president and i thought ah-ha, that sounds funny. because if you think about it, there's not a single political person who aspires to the vice presidentsy. >> jon: no. >> right. >> jon: and you've got to think... you know, joe biden... >> god love him. >> jon: god love him. >> right. >> jon: he's probably sitting in some office, nobody talks to him, he's got his shirt off.
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(laughter) big bowl of cheese curls. >> that's exactly right. >> jon: just sitting there waiting for that "sir, we're going to take you to the situation." have you spoken with the vice president? >> i've... i met a couple vice presidents. that's exactly right. but i'm not at liberty to say which ones exceptly say i did meet with vice president al gore because he mentioned it so i guess now i can. and he was unbelievably nice and really what i was trying to find out meeting him and meeting other people on capitol hill, frankly, is it's like those in between moments. like, what happens if you got secret service there and you need to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and do they follow you down the hallway? these kinds of... that's not really what the show is about but... (laughter). >> jon: but? >> but... >> jon: that could be another show. i could see that as a show. >> that could be a spinoff. >> jon: that could be a spinoff. "bathroom run." >> but we got a lot of backstage tours and stuff of capitol hill and we got to go to the senate,
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to the floor of the senate and i have a couple of very interesting little tidbits i think you should know. >> jon: sure. >> one, is you're walking on the senate floor, one of the senator's desk-- and, god, i cannot remember which one, doesn't matter-- if you open it up, filled with candy. >> jon: what? (laughter) >> swear to god! >> jon: what kind of candy? >> good candy. >> jon: like chocolate? >> kit-kats, reeses. the whole deal. >> jon: we should be able to figure that out by watching c-span. >> candy desk. >> jon: candy? >> i swear. no wonder... >> jon: any pens? just candy? >> just candy. just candy. then i went to senator al franken's desk and iy little note and i stuck it in his desk and i left the building. (laughter) do you want to know what the note says? >> i want to know why they left you in his office when they let you in there. >> jonthere.
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>> no, on the floor of the senate. >> jon: what did the note say? >> it said "senator, the pornographic material has been removed from this desk." (cheers and applause) >> jon: (laughs) i can just imagine in that moment going "i need a (bleep)ing candy bar! anybody got a candy bar! i need a charleston chew!" are they excited to know that someone is going to be portraying them did they welcome you? i have always found the two towns that are most similar in this country are los angeles and washington. los angeles is washington that thinks it has power and los angeles people act like they have power. in washington they have the power but they would really just be watching t.v. (laughter). >> jon: that's interesting. i think first of all you're correct. it's a very... the parallels are pretty intense in terms of putting on a face like i'm doing right now for you. >> jon: stop it! >> you're very natural. you're a very natural performer. >> and what's behind the
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curtain. and that's what the show is about but they were a little bit... i mean, some people welcomed us and stuff but, you know, not... not tons and tons because i think they're worried that we're parrot ago specific person which, of course, we're not. this show is not about... >> jon: this is not "game change." it's not a real story. this is a dynamic. >> it's complete fiction. you will never know what party we're in, what party the vice president is in. >> jon: that's interesting. >> you'll never meet the president. it's... it's all very crafty. >> jon: do you hold that out as a little bit of... there could be a plot twist where we meet the president or the president... >> no, we're not going to do that. >> jon: couldn't we pretend that we're... >> not gonna happen. (laughter) next question. (laughter). >> jon: son of a bitch! how much fun is it... you continue to go through these labors of love. do you just... do you get the energy from finding scripts that tickle you, that interest you?
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what is your... the way that you approach the next thing? >> does it make me laugh? is it funny? i mean, really. >> jon: and you get to work with guys like armando ianucci. >> he's fantastic. you should see "the thick of it." it's a u.k. show. you can google that and check it out. it's cool. >> jon: i have google. >> you do? >> jon: i just got it on my computer, tandy 1600. i play pong on it. i'm on the edge, baby. "veep" premiers on hbo this sunday. >> the 22nd. >> jon: april 22. 10:00 p.m. >> after "game of thrones." watch it! (cheers and applause). >> jon: julia
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