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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 1, 2012 1:00am-1:35am PDT

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[cheers and applause] >> welcome back. everyone always asks, "hey, daniel. what do you during the breaks?" and i tell 'em, "tons and tons of cardio."
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then i call my mother and remind her that her other son doesn't have a tv show. and then she reminds me that i've never given her a grandson. and i say, "yes, i did. she didn't keep it." [laughter and applause] next week, we got a great show. the angry black preacher gets a web redemption. >> the devil was a mother[bleep] liar. so you know i ain't worried, "be-yotch"! [laughter] >> can i get a [bleep] amen? [cheers and applause] mother[bleep] crazy lutherans. [bleep], those bitches are [bleep] crazy and [bleep]. he's probably angry about his hair. hey, make sure you keep up with our daily blog at make sure you follow me on twitter and know that every week i may or may not follow the person that sends us the best tweet during our live chat. that doesn't mean the funniest tweet or the meanest tweet.
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it means whatever [bleep] tweet i like the most. [laughter] make sure you come see me on the tosh tour 2010. tickets are still available. shocking. [laughter] apparently ass[bleep] isn't the draw that i thought it would be. [laughter] before we go, it's time to play a little game of "what did i do to nathan?" i'm gonna show you some footage of my friend nathan's face and you have to figure out what i'm doing. [metallic clicking] >> oh! oh! oh! [groans and laughs] mother[bleep]. >> i shot him in the ball bag seven times with a pellet gun. [crowd groaning] ready? [gun clicking] >> oh! oh! oh! [groans and laughs] [laughter and applause]
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mother[bleep]. >> do you see my dog watching? [laughter] see you next week. good night. [cheers and applause] >> may 31st 2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we have a good show for you ton, jim parsons, star of the big bang theory and the new broadway show har vehicle a show about an invisible rabbit that kills and eats harvey weinstein. (laughter) i got to tell you though, manment i don't know if you have been in new york city man, but it hot and-- in new
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york city. i hope you don't mind, i'm going to just take a sip of a comically oversized movie theatre beverage, it's so hot. >> it could be the end of the big gulp, new york city mayor bloomberg wants to ban the sale of all sugary drinks that are larger than 16 ounces. he wants the ban at all new york restaurants, movie theatres, sports arenas and more. (laughter) (applause) (laughter) sorry, what? you are going to ban-- no! >> they can still sell 32
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ounce of sugar drink to you but they have to put it in two containers. we're not taking way anybody's right to do things, we're simply forcing you to understand that you have to make the conscious decision to go from one cup to another cup. (laughter) >> jon: mr. mayor works these giant cups where are homeless people going t to-- [bleep] (applause) >> jon: are you going to tell them to take two smaller [bleep] because i'm not. wow. wow. wow, mayor bloomberg. wow. i love this idea, you have of banning sodas larger than 16 ounces. it combines the draconian government overreach people love with the probable lack of results they expect. (laughter)
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what are you doing! we already let you make up a third term as mayor. put cameras on every intersection and for some reason picnic tables in the middle of 7th avenue, what the heck is that. this is all we have left. this is all we have. you realize the position you personally put me in, mr. mayor. watch this! >> no one would argue that you ought to drink nine mountain dews a day but you ought to have the choice as an adult to make those decision force yourself. >> right. (laughter) >> jon: i agree with him. (applause) i will never forgive you for that, michael blockberg. still the larger point
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remain, the soda ban say terrible idea. nobody is going to be down with it. >> i think it's a great idea. to anyone thinks your kids should drink this entire thing. >> no. >> in the course of the day. >> no, you solve obesity, health care, it's that simple. >> jon: morning joe? you're sponsored by starbucks. you realize your personal sponsor of beverages are pretty much indistinguishable from the baeferjs you want outlawed. lady, please, step away from the beverage, lady, step away mi all for promoting public health but mr. mayor, this plan makes your assininie look big. let me get this straightment as a knocker i can go on my lunch break to, i don't know, carnegie deli and order 14 pounds of pastrami garnished with 7 pounds of beef tongue and not on won't the deli guy go what? that's the most ridiculous self-destructive thing a
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person could ever order. the deli guy will go oh, you want the mandy patneki, s. and if i want to split the this this sand watch with someone it's an extra three bucks. by the way, the meat does come with two pieces of rye bread, because know, it's a sandwich. it's more like eating a cow with a rye bread yalmakle. then gi to right over to hooters for a quick basket of chicken wings battered deep fried and tossed in hot sauce and melted butter served with a bowl of cheese, top it all off with a little bit of frozen hot chocolate from serendipity, all of this is legal in new york city! until god forbid, i want a wash it down with a little something as pure and refreshing as mountain dew!
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(cheers and applause) ah, oh no, i'm on the run from johnny law! (laughter) [bleep] this is legal until it melts. and what do you do about slurpees? what do you do about slurpees, huh? a drink that lives in the nether world betwixt physical states. is it a solid, a liquid, ultimately a gas? oh, but that's right the slurpee is fine because they're sold in convenience stores and that's not regulated because-- it's magic. look, mr. mayor, i know you can be intimidated by these large size drinksment you and ri both, let's face it, small. we might see a generously
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proportioned sugared beverage and think of it as a drowning hazard. (laughter) but it's not fair! it's not fair! mr. moon bloomberg, for people like us, we, the wee people whose thirst ask be stated by a mere thimble cup of juice or the dew from an elm leaf-- (laughter) but you and i must coexist in a city that also includes people like 7 foot 1 inch knicks center tyson chandler. a 16 ounce soda for him is like an eye drop never a baby bird's mouth. sure f we were nursing him back to health in a shoe box that would be enough. and by the way, you mayors are the one was got us in this obesity mess in the first place. remember new york in the 70s. times square, strip clubs, pimps, hooker, slashers, smack addictsing drug
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dealers. you name it, we had them and look at us, we looked great! so is a velt. and then mayor giuliani had to clean the place up. well, guess what happens when you go in and replace strip clubs and porn theatres with the bubba gump shrimp company, the unlimited bread stick mecca known as the olive garden and my favorite one, the m & m store. let me ask you a question. why the [bleep] is there a store that sells nothing but m & ms. this is new york, you can buy m & ms in any store. why dow need a store that is all just m amp ms. and i want to open be all today world on 34s and 88. mr. mayor, pick your poison. obesity is the problem now? fine, i think i know how to solve it. reintroduce crack. it may be whack, but when that weight comes off, it stays off.
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we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: welcome back. as you know, but probably wish you didn't, syrian president bashar crackdown has killed upwards of 10,000 of his own syrian people with many calling last week's violence in houla the worst yet. the syrian people, not to worry, the international
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community will not let these atrocities continue. >> we're seeing a concerted diplomatic push. >> on monday they went to a town and met the local commander of the free syrian army in an effort to bring calm. >> i'm here in washington, the top syrian diplomat has 72 hours to leave the country. >> jon: ha! that's it? just 72 hours we gave them to pack their things, we're punishing a brutal regime for killing its own people the same way we break up with a post college boyfriend. that's all we're doing. the last i checked, we were not a nation of middle east half asers. by now an we supposed to be bogged down hip deep on the road to damascus. we invade iraq because a guy said heard they had weapons. we did libya because they were threatening to kill citizens and here they're actually-- what's the hold up. >> russia announces it will block any effort by the u.n. to intervene in syria saying it would be quote premature. >> jon: russia! look, russia, i know 10,000
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dead isn't a mass slaughter by your standards, of course by your standards 10,000 dead is a mild winter. but-- why are you protecting bashar assad. >> vladimir putin-- assad bought nearly $5 billion in weapons in just four years, or 10% of all russian arms exports in the past decade. >> jon: you capitalist son of a bitch. selling arms to despotic arab regimes. that's our job. we don't come down to where you were. and repress chechens. --a, that's it. you're in our way. you don't want to know how the united states treats countries that get in our way. >> the syrians are to the going to listen to us. they will listen, maybe to the russians. so we have to keep pushing them.
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>> so they hope the cease-fire works or beg russia to help. >> jon: yeah, we're going to beg you as part of our new mid eastern strategy of shock and awe. come on, please? for more we're joined by senior international political correspondent wyatt cenac in moskow. wyatt, is russia worried? that block humanitarian intervention going to make them look terrible on the world stage. >> worried? that's what they are hoping for, john. russia sees this as their chance to be the evil empire again. i mean since communism fell they've gone from existential threats to civilization to friend emmy. they want to matter again yz great so, how about after they help with us syria we promise to hate them again. >> that's to the going to cut it. >> jon: what do they want? >> well n return for supporting syrian intervention, they are demanding this music play every time someone says the word russia.
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>> jon: really, with a wolf howl and everything? >> you're right, they should have gone with the kitty cat. real scary, jon. i just peed my pants. sloshing around here, just thinking about that adorable tabby. >> jon: all right, look, i didn't know the kitty cat meow was the only other option. >> second, they want all moveries where the villain is not russian to be changed so the villain is russian. so now in taken, i willal nissan daughter isn't kidnapped by a saudi prince, spoilary all right, she's taken byivean drago. (applause) in alien, instead of an extra ter recommendation kpeno more of bursting out of a earn's clest, its'sive an drago and in 127 hours, oh no, it's me, james franco
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and my arm, it's trapped under, you guessed it, ivan drago! >> jon: but that changes the whole dynamic of the moverie. now he's got somebody to talk to. >> if he spoke russian, jon! which he does learn by the end of the film. then he gets a job teaching russian at a school for the one armed rz that jounds roughly, we'll get hollywood on that russia is now the villain in all of our move yees. >> and in all of our actual history. >> jon: so now we have to say we fought the american revolution for freedom from -- >> yup, ivan drago. >> jon: cannot believe that to let us save lives they're going to make us change our thinks history and the movies and everything. >> yeah, well they are evil. that is what they do. now if you will excuse me, all this international diplomacy has built up a really powerful thirst. >> jon: sure. whoa! whoa, no, wyatt-- wyatt, no, don't-- wyatt! you know the rules, are you not allowed to have a soda
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that is more than 16 ounces. >> you can in russia, jon, they're evil, not stupid. >> jon: thank you, wyatt, [ train whistle blows ]
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[ ball hitting paddle ]
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[ orbit girl ] don't let food hang around. yeah! [ orbit trumpet ] clean it up with orbit! [ orbit glint ] fabulous! for a good clean feeling. ♪ eat, drink, chew orbit!
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, the emmy winning star of cbs's big bang theory, you can see him right now on broadway starring in roundabout theatre company's harvey. please welcome to the
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program jim parsons. >> welcome. we have graphics and everything. what a warm house you have. >> jon: wasn't it, a warm house. >> it really is now where is my-- i have friends here. >> jon: where. >> i have cast mates here. >> jon: right there. >> nobody, i'm sure you will be lovely friends, no i have --. >> jon: he doesn't mean it in -- >> rich from my show where are you, oh, my god and pore began, hello. it's like family. >> jon: can i ask you something. >> yes, jon. >> jon: don't you see them every [bleep] day. >> yes, but not around this many people. well, that's not even true either. it's just this is very awkward. and it's so nice to have people-- . >> jon: do you want me to bring them down. >> no, leave them there.
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>> jon: how is it people that work on big bang, did you both know you were doing this play? how did you both end up in the same play. >> no they're harvey people and that's allment i don't know them from the big bang. >> jon: they are just friends of yours. >> they are in the play with me, they're actors. and now they're friends. >> jon: if they are actors how do you know they are really friends. >> you don't know that. we will close harvey on august 5th, get your tickets now, and after august 5th if i ever talk to them we will know if they became friends. >> jon: now, are you good with in? you come from the theatre background. >> yeah. >> jon: so you are accustomed to these types of you do a show with someone, you become very close, over the six weeks, to eight weeks. >> yeah. >> jon: do they normally dissipate. >> most of them do. and i'm not kidding. even if they go well, they normally do. >> jon: are you hurt by that, does it hurt. >> no, i was never-- because it's very organic. some things are just the situation makes it a very intense, close relationship. and i frankly, we don't have time for each other after
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that. (laughter) i mean,. >> jon: you are a very pleasant man. there is no way to annoy you. >> no, that's not true. >> jon: now what would annoy you. >> what would annoy me? >> jon: jay. >> i get angry with inanimate objects that won't do what they are supposed to do and you have to bang them, you know what i mean. that annoys me. what, that's true? that is irritating. >> jon: but in a fonzi way, how do you-- when you-- like a jukebox you would --ing with like spank it, yeah, kind of, yes. >> jon: so devices. >> devices will irritate. >> jon: but what about people, let's say are you waiting in a line. are you someone that is -- >> yes. >> jon: you seem like you have a good nature is what i am saying. >> i do have a lovely nature but i'm not about-- calling somebody stupid behind share back if i done know them. >> jon: no, really. >> no, that's awful but it's true. >> jon: he knows you guys now. >> none of you, i would never call any of you-- no, but somebody is behaving in a way, you are behind somebody in a line. i can't think of an exact situation, you hit on
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something there, where they should do their thing and be done with it, you know. >> jon: you lived in new york. does new york, are you living a life now out in los angeles, with a program that is wonderful big and are you hilarious. >> you are a kind man, thank you. >> jon: you are really are, a very talented actor. and that's not easy stuff to do. people go that might be easy, you've got chop, babbee. coming back from that life of the lawns and sun. >> yeah. >> jon: to new york, has that-- did someone just die. >> what was that? i think someone just deflated. >> was that richard morgan? it did sound like it, didn't it. >> jon: didn't it sound -- >> it was like the word lawn just set them off. >> jon: it was literally like somebody's ass cheek blew out. are you sitting there and all of a sudden it wasn't-- somebody in the audience is sitting like this now. i don't know what happened. my product threatic butt went out. do you find living in new york energizing. >> yes. >> jon: or more frustratesing. >> i find very energizing.
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i always said it is never fun to be unemployed anywhere because it sucks financially but i always found it much easier to be unemployed here than literally anywhere else. and i think it's because it's not isolating here. it is the same old tale but it is like if you need anything, there is like a pack of gum you have to run into 20 people on the way to get it here. and in l.a., you know, you just won't go get the gum because i won't want to fight for parking, because you know, you just stay home with bad breath. >> jon: you don't want to fight for parking and then explain to the clerk at 7-11 what you are working on. >> that's true. everything is very industry driven out there i love it there, but it's different. >> jon: i used to love, when i started i was waiting tables up in rockefeller center, a little restaurant there because i think bean stalk, i used to have to wear those frilly like fake tux shirts with the suspenders. >> i bet you looked pretty. >> jon: no, sir. pretty until i was covered in quack molly and salsa but i used to love riding the subway home at night in your little red bow tie and all the thugs on its subway are like oh that poor guy. >> well, that is it, though.
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i often said when i'm in new york, i feel like i'm on a college campus. you run into so many people, i don't know what your major is or what you are doing, but i see you on the l train and i see you on the 1, and you know, you kind of all in this one mile campus together. and i leak it. >> jon: a lot of people said it energizes, because these shows, 8 a week. >> 8 a week. >> jon: . >> it's heaven t really is and i think would you like it i really do. >> jon: i think would you like it too. jim parsons who is great, and an invisible 6 foot 3 and a half inch bunny. >> and he's great, the rabbit is the best thing going on broadway. >> jon: don't make him explain it to you, people, just go see it. it's so nice to see you stop by,. >> thank you rz. >> jon: harvey playing on broadway, the roundabout theatre company, the great jim parsons! (cheers and applause)
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>> that's our show. before we get going, i don't
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know if are you familiar with the writers of our program but they're kind of great. and one of them has written a book, he's really quite tall ended. the guy rewrote the entire constitution. think of it like 50 shades of red, white and blue. anyway, me the people, kevin brier, get your copy today, come on, here it is, your moment of zen. >> also alcoholic beverages are, you can get a big fat beer and walk down the street in new york city and nobody ask going to bother you but you cannot have captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central