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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  July 24, 2012 10:00am-10:35am PDT

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[ male announcer ] introducing new dentyne split to fit pack. it splits in to two smaller, sleeker packs that fit almost anywhere so you can take them everywhere. dentyne split to fit. practice safe breath. (cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night, matthew mcconaughey will be here. here it is, your moment of zen. >> what did your fellow pig friends say when you told them
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"i think i'm in love with this frog?" >> that i was in love with another species? what is the fascination with two species? >> stephen: tonight, fox news takes it to the next level. now they're fair, balanced and blazing buffalo. then, has partisanship gone too far? or should both sides come together to hate a third side? (laughter) and my guest, documentary filmmaker vikram gandhi got people to believe he was a prophet. big deal: i do that every night. (laughter) it's national vanilla ice cream day and if romney is elected it will go on for four more years. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central
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( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: i like it! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody. good to have you with us. please have a seat. folks, i have to tell you, after a greeting like that i just wish it was legal to grind you up and snort you. (laughter) before we begin right off the top i want to thank my guest vikram gandhi for being here tonight. he's starring in the new documentary "kumare: the true story of a flase prophet." he's already one of my favorite
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guests-- because he showed up. (laughter) unlike mike tyson who was supposed to be here to talk about his one-man broadway show but canceled this morning because-- and i want to make sure i get this right-- he is a huge pussy. (laughter) (cheers and applause) that's right. i challenge mike tyson to an interview and he forfeited because he's too scared to face me i get it. i've only got one good ear, and that takes away your best move. (laughter) so nation, i believe this knockout ka-pang by know show now makes me officially the reverend sir dr. steven p. mos def colbert d.f.a..
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(echoing) heavyweight champ-een of the world. (cheers and applause) right? (cheers and applause) i assume the belt's in the mail, mike. but if not i'm a 26 waist. (laughter) nation, to be clear, i have no hard feelings, please go ahead and see mike's broadway show. or better yet, promise you will for weeks and then don't. (laughter) nation... cut me, mick. nation, as you know, i am a long-time fan of fox news. it's my one stop shop for news, opinions, and ads for walk-in bathtubs. (laughter) easy access to your tub with the
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therapeutic benefit of sitting in your own filth while it drains before you can open the door... (laughs) of course... (laughter) of course... (cheers and applause) of course some criticize fox news as a stable of old white angry men. that's ridiculous. michelle malkin is a young asian angry woman. (laughter) but even amongst fox's exotic noah's ark of white people-- (laughter) -- one beautiful unicorn stands out. anchor and mantis-american help is smith. he's no cookie cutter newsman. he's got his own style. for example, watch how great baer reported on a february campaign stop by mitt romney. >> mitt romney held serve on his home court in michigan and swept through arizona in two crucial primary wins tuesday.
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now, romney and his three g.o.p. challengers focus on washington state saturday and then supertuesday context next week. >> stephen: classic baer. clear, concise, and with eyes like buttons on a cursed doll. (laughter) in contrast, whatship smith cut through those same facts to find the real angle. >> now it's on to supertuesday and today rick santorum is campaigning into tennessee, mitt romney's in ohio, and whether romney deserves momentum really is questionable, isn't it? >> i'm sorry, carl, i'm looking at him over your right shoulder there. do you think he's aware he's wearing mom jeans? he's wearing mom jeans, carl. it's 2012. >> mitt romney's wearing mom jeans. >> stephen: shep was the only one on dung ree-gate. it was the biggest scoop since
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david brinkley told the story of j. edgar hoover wearing mom everything. (laughter) and folks, if shep's aapproach has won him admirers across the news scape. everyone loves him, even liberal shills at msnbc know greatness. >> how about shepherd smith? he's bucking the fox news republican agenda by telling the truth about what's happening. >> we love him. he's a great guy. as good as it gets. he's great. he's good at what he is. >> shep smith, if you ever run for anything i will quit what i am doing to go work for you. >> stephen: i second that. i would absolutely support shep smith running for office if it meant rachel maddow would quit her job. (applause) these guys love him because shep is bringing it! and by "it" i mean... what? >> we have a lot to hate about north korea, right?
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but the way they always look at things and then the way they throw parties is pretty awesome. somebody put goats on the roof. what to do goats say? a lot of people have decided to try to better be safe than sorry but this isn't safe, this is stupid. this is stupid. that's really stupid. kitty cat meows thousand dollars. snooki's pregnant. (laughter) >> stephen: wow, he's like a combination of edward r. morrow, walter cronkite and barry busey. (laughter) folks, i love shep's show because he's pushing the envelope. it's like fox is a band and he's the trumpet player who got bored and decided to play out of rhythm and accidentally invented jazz. just listen to this cat riff on the lance armstrong doping scandal. >> if you are accused of doing this you won't compete until the allegation is resolved.
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>> i wonder if he was taking "v." >> what? >> "v." i mean the sheriffs took "v." do you not watch "true blood"? >> no. >> you can get amped up on "v" and get high. do you watch? i've never seen lance armstrong on there but he could probably beat the werewolves. certainly other... what are the other wolfes? >> my apologies. >> do you have a d.v.r.? >> yes. >> you should record "true blood >> we may never know what lance armstrong was on but i'd like five buck's worth of whatever shep is on. (laughter) you, you sir... keep up the good work, shep. you are worth every penny they're paying you. and i hope it's at least kitty cat meow thousand dollars. (laughter) we'll be right back.
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as you can clearly see from this attractive graph that our sales have increased by... sorry, my liege. honestly. our sales have increased by 20%. what is this mystical device i see before me? it's an ultrabook. he signed the purchase order. with an ultrabook, everything else seems old fashioned. introducing the ultra sleek, ultra responsive ultrabook. a whole new class of computers powered by intel. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. folks, like you i am overwhelmed
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by the enormity of the horror that took place early friday morning in colorado. the community of aurora is in our thoughts and prayers as they grieve this senseless crile. the born of colorado has suggested if you'd like to help the victims of this tragedy you go to now, this is the first night i've broadcast since this happened four days and and faced with something like this there is nothing really to be said-- other than i am sorry that other broadcasters got to say all that nothing before i had a shot. (laughter) how to make this tragedy partisan? jim? >> i want to go to brian ross. brian, you've been investigating the background of jim holmes, you found something that might be significant. >> there is a jim holmes of aurora, colorado, page, on the colorado tea party side as well talking about him joining the tea party last year. now, we don't knows if f this is the same jim holmes, but it is jim holmes of aurora, colorado. >> stephen: is a damning association for the tea party
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mitigated only by the fact that it is completely inaccurate. (laughter) thank you for that thoughtful and hasty googling, brian. turns out, there was a different jim holmes, but what can you expect from brian ross? i googled him and apparently brian ross was recently arrested for distributing meth while working in a nebraska taco town restaurant. (laughter) the secret code is "i'd like a chimichanga-- with extra meth." (laughter) now, not to be outdone in the fine art of political finger-pointing, my colleagues at the conservative web site landed the exclusive speculation "dark knight" aurora, colorado, shooting suspect could be registered democrat. ah-ha! a registered democrat! well, i don't have to tell you what that means! which is good, because i don't know what that means. (laughter) still, great reporting
10:15 am rivaled only by your update "update, not registered?" no shame there, breitbart. so great news organizations have prematurely associated their political opponents with horrible crimes. remember the tribune's famous headline "dewey kills truman." (laughter) so there was a ton of inaccurate information i do not have a chance to give you. but i most regret missing out on analyzing all of that no information. >> we have a lot of 20-year-olds who are living in this underinstitutionalized world, lonely, not a lot of people dealing them. at the same time a tremendous hunger for fame and you see the rise of these spectacle killings and i'd like to see a debate about that. >> stephen: yes, we need a lengthy debate in the news about how much these people hunger for media coverage. all day, everyday until we finally figure out what is driving the search for attention! (laughter) of course with a story this
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devastating there's not just nothing to say. evidently there's also nothing to do. especially nothing about guns. >> new legislation is a long shot, especially in an election year. >> there's not really a gun control debate in politics anymore. >> no, there isn't. i think the issue is settled. >> there is a consensus as bob said in this country that there's not going to be further any gun control measures passed by the united states congress. it's a settled issue. >> stephen: yes, it was settled long before this tragedy. which is good because with something this terrible we might have foolishly reassessed its settledness. besides, we now know guns aren't the real problem here >> costumes and face masks are now being banned at movie houses across the country including more than 300 aipl see theaters. >> some of the movie theaters, i think a.m.c. has banned people coming in wearing masks. >> finally for years i've been calling for stricter costume control. (laughter)
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before buying a sexy nurse outfit, i believe she should have to submit to a thorough background check. and front ground check. (laughter) but besides all the rampant speculation and ill-informed commentary, some people reacted inappropriately. >> the airwaves in colorado are missing attack ad this is weekend after both the obama campaign and the romney campaign reached out to affiliate t.v. stations in the centennial state and asked them to pull their so-called contrast spots for the time being. >> stephen: obama and romney pulled their spots. finally this gives me something nothing to say. gentlemen, what are you thinking? you cannot stop your attack ads every time there is a gun crime! there are nearly 9,000 gun homicidess a year in america. that means 25 people are murdered with guns everyday! and if you're really pulling those ads down to be sensitive,
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i don't see how you can ever run them again. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause)
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welcome back everybody, my guest tonight is the director and the star of a new documentary "kumare: the true story of a flase prophet." please blindly welcome vikram gandhi. (cheers and applause) hey! thanks so much for coming on. nice to see you again, vikram, how are you? >> good. >> stephen: you're the director and protagonist of this new documentary "kumar." who is kumar and why did you make this? >> kumar section a fictional religious leaders and i wanted to make a movie in which i impersonated a religious leader from a fictional country. >> stephen: what country were you from? >> from ali kash, near the area near tibet, pakistan. >> stephen: just that area. >> yes. >> stephen: ali kash? o my gosh, ali kash.
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why would you want to impersonate a spiritual leader? >> i think sometimes when you impersonate someone you're not you can sort of see something that's more true in the world. so i... (laughter) so i thought maybe.... >> stephen: you've lost me. i tell you what, you've losted me. we'll plitplay a clip of "kumare." >> there's nothing phony about him. >> kumar ray is open towards everything in a non-judgmental way. >> the more students i met and classes i taught the more it seemed the kumare movement could take hold. >> the people that feel that connection towards him and they see him and they're like bring it in, bring it in. >> stephen: if you don't mind me saying so, your beard is doing a lot of 2 t work there. (laughter) i'd follow a guy with a beard like that.
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>> thank you. i just shaved this morning. it grows very fast. (laughter) >> what were you teaching? >> well, i was teaching a philosophy call requested "the mirror" which is a madeup philosophy but isn't so new. it's basically based on the idea that we all have answers inside ourselves and when we look at religious leaders like kumare we're just projecting ideas on them. we want to see what's inside ourselves. >> stephen: what would you say to someone who's lost and i say "what is the way?" >> as kumare? >> stephen: yes. >> i had a differenting a tent? the movie. >> stephen: can i get a taste? >> it's better if you close your eyes. (laughter) (accented) my name is kumare. i am a grew are you but i only a reflection of the guru inside of you. >> stephen: i will follow you anywhere. (laughter) so how did you get started? because a guru has to have followers, right? you can't put an ad on craigslist, right?
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guru looking for followers. >> i think you might be able to. we used the internet. we made a web site, >> stephen: did you open an ash ram? >> we use a house as a best of our operation but we said there's a guru in town, my producers told people we were making a documentary about a guru and those people who wanted to meet a spiritual leader got to meet one. >> stephen: and they believed you! >> people believed me, yes. >> stephen: do you blame them for believing you? like, are they fools for believing you or are they just lost? >> well, i don't think there's anything foolish or lost about looking for answers i just think kumare was saying you don't need him. so in a way i believe kumare because he believes everything i believe. (laughter) >> stephen: where there more women or men who followed you? >> it was more women.
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>> stephen: did you get crazy tail? (laughter) did you get crazy... >> the rules of a spiritual leader are stricter than the rules for a real spiritual leader. (laughter) >> stephen: at peak kumare, how many people are we talking about? >> i was trying to get 12 disciples. i thought there would be a nice elegance to that. >> stephen: it's certainly plagiarism. (laughter) >> there's nothing new, i know. >> stephen: you're saying jesus was a hoax? are you saying he was a trickster? >> i'm not saying that you are. you're saying that, i'm not disagreeing. we wanted to get 12 disciples and we ended up with around 14. it wasn't about amassing people, it was teaching something and looking into people's lives. we focused on a group of people we felt would understand this message and it's tricky to make a movie where the people in the
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film get the message of the film at the same time that is confusing. irony is tricky when you have to do that. >> how about at the end when you told them? were people angry? >> mixed reactions. (laughter) >> stephen: that's a gentle way of saying they were super pissed at you. (laughter) >> the ma majority of people understood. >> stephen: how did you tell them did you say "you haven't been walking the eight hole path suckers, you've been punked!" (laughter) >> i just took a leap of faith at the end. >> stephen: do you miss kumare? >> i miss him a lot. >> stephen: will there be a second coming of kumare? (laughter) >> possibly a second or third, yes. >> stephen: depending on box office. (laughter) >> depending on for... you know, pooh t people want to see kumare again, he would rise. >> stephen: what if like tinker bell we all clapped for kumare?
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: vikram, thank you so much for joining me. vikram gandhi "kumare" in theaters now. we'll be right back.
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♪ [ male announcer ] introducing new dentyne split to fit pack. it splits in to two smaller, sleeker packs that fit almost anywhere so you can take them everywhere. dentyne split to fit. practice safe breath.
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>> stephen: it's it for the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh [ male announcer ] the htc evo 4g lte from sprint
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