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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 6, 2012 6:35pm-7:10pm PDT

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>> slap, lick, fondle. a priest, rabbi and my dog. forgive me father for i have sinned. >> tosh: the great thing about being the boss is they can fire the hr department before they call me into their office. this game obviously needs to catch on. play it at home. after getting the written consent of all involved parties. send me your videos and if do you a good job perhaps i'll put them on the air. perhaps i won't. perhaps i will. good night and god bless america! [cheers and applause] [ yelling ] captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> you didn't build that... that... that (crowd chanting "obama") >> you have my permission to vote. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: (cheers and applause) welcome to the "report," everybody, it's good to have you with us! (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen... (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, i've got to say, after an ovation like that there is only one thing to be said: i accept your nomination as host of this show. (laughter) well, folks, welcome to the
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"report,". it was night one o of the democratic national drum circle last night. (laughter) and i am sad to say it was a disaster. (laughter) first of all, it was beset with technical difficulties starting with the audio. all night there was this constant buzzing roar. it was like... (laughter). it's hard to describe. jimmy? (cheers and applause) yeah! yeah, that was it! what was that? (laughter) you can barely hear the speeches. they didn't have that problem at the republican convention, i'll tell you. (cheers and applause) they know how to do audio. and mr. brit hume knows exactly what i'm talking about. >> this hall is quite a bit smaller than the hall that the republicans used in tampa and the result is that the noise that you hear from the delegates
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is much magnified naturally. in addition to that, the democratic planners here have cranked the volume on the sound system up to the absolute max so that when you're in the hall-- and a number of the network anchor booths are open to the hall-- the sound of from the floor and the platform is absolutely deafening. a small thing but a suggestion they don't quite have their act together. (laughter). >> stephen: clearly. clearly they don't have their act together. i mean, i watched it, that was cacophony of unbridled enthusiasm! they seemed unable to mute their joy! (laughter) and i'm sorry, that volume of pleasure is just unprofessional. the fox news people could barely hear themselves saying it sucked. (laughter) and, folks, the sound system was not the only problem. there were also the people talking over it. speeches by deval patrick, kathleen sebelius, joaquin and
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julian has trow. (cheers and applause) two castros? can we now end the debate on whether the d.e.m.s are socialists, please? (laughter) and then the headliner, michelle "wait for it" obama. (laughter) oh, i wonder how she got that gig. crony capitalism, solyndra. (laughter) she came out and talked about the president's character, their life together, their children. meow, meow, meow. (laughter) i'm not going to get into a lot of details about her speech because it was very good. (laughter) jim? >> the first lady absolutely delivering here on everybody note. >> as you heard her delivery it was just masterful. >> i think this was... i think the speech of the convention. >> she knocked this house down. >> michelle obama's speech i thought was a brilliant speech, brilliantly delivered. but i didn't buy a line of it.
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(laughter). >> stephen: yes. brilliant speech, brilliantly delivered, but i don't buy a line of it. jimmy? cut me off a line of it. >> barack knows the american dream because he's lived it. and he wants... (cheers and applause) ... everyone in this country, everyone to have the same opportunity no matter who we are or where we're from or where what we look like or who we love. you see, at the end of the day, my most important title is still "mom in chief." (cheers and applause) my daughters are still the heart of my heart and the center of my world. (laughter) (cheers and applause)
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(laughter) >> stephen: it just doesn't ring true! (laughter) in here. in here i can tell that's all bull (bleep). (laughter) warm. the soul is stirring (bleep). (laughter) romney's got to get some better bull (bleep). (cheers and applause) the whole evening smacked of desperation, folks. no, not desperation. another "d" word that means terrible. diversity. yes. (laughter) everywhere you looked there was black people, asian people, latinos, jews, sikhs, hindus, i
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think, i don't know. (laughter) and that's in the audience! on stage, the democrats trotted out every race, creed, color, sex, and identity and that's just congressional candidate tammy duckworth. (laughter). (cheers and applause) >> my name is tammy duckworth. my father served in the army and the marine corps. my mom is thai and chinese. i became one of the first army women to fly combat missions in iraq. >> stephen: duckworth. female, disabled, thai, chinese and a veteran? (laughter) that's not a convention speaker, that's diversity voltron. (laughter) (cheers and applause) i tell you, the ultimate sign of the democrats' desperation was
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all the signs. whether the message was "moving forward" or "not moving backward" or just loving the first lady, these audience signs seemed to materialize out of nowhere! what the... (laughter). but ultimately, the true measure of last night was not the volume of the crowd or how deeply people were moved. no, it was the twittering. yes, the thunderous applause shook the rafters, but what did hornyham berger69 tweet to his bros? fortunately when it comes to social media the news media have their cyber fingers on the info net youth pulse. poke me, jim. >> our tweets per minute convention hall of fame it was michelle obama who is setting a record with 28,000 tweets per minute. >> something like 28,000 tweets per minute at a speech compared to mitt romney's peak at 14,000. >> when she talked about hard
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work and the importance of hard work, 18,669. then she talked about the american dream and how her husband lived that out in his life. boom, 21,577. when she talked about four more years, 22,004, huge, huge numbers that we're not used to seeing. >> stephen: yes, boom! i have never seen numbers like that! (laughter) 22,004. that number is huge! especially when you compare it to other numbers that are smaller. (laughter) folks, this is the greatest number related reporting since cronkite broke the horrific cannibal story the 789. (cheers and applause) it was a sad story. must have been very hard for him to hold it together there. now, given these unprecedented tweet numbers, what do they mean? are they good or bad? for more we go to someone else.
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>> according to twitter, he speech peaked at 28,000 tweets per minute. now, it doesn't measure whether or not they were positive tweets or negative remarks. just interesting numbers really, though. who knows what they mean. >> stephen: who knows? (laughter) who cares? point is, these numbers are out there and it's the media's duty to report them! without the liberal filter of meaning something. well, i am always on the bleeding edge of social media so i spent all night watching my web meters-- literally this. i did this with my arms all night. (laughter) and what i found will knock your socks off. that's not one sock, but two socks! for more, let's head over to the internet numbo-tron 3000. (cheers and applause)
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welcome. welcome to the numbo-tron 3000 where a-squared plus b-squared equals me-squared. (laughter) let me just hack into the mainframe here. we've got a lot of numbers to crunch right off the top. five. you know the obama team has got to be watching that but hang on that's a nine. (laughter) totally different integer, i do not see that coming. now let's compare that with last week's numbers, 14 and 3. so obviously toes have changed. one is higher, someone lower, not sure which, i'm just eyeballing this at this point. not sure what it means. of course, if you're talking internet communal links, these days right now you're talking about cloud computing. okay, there's the cloud. obviously that's just a metaphor. the actual cloud much larger and in the sky. okay. (laughter) let's check out tonight's big number. okay.
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11,394.5. holy (bleep)! that's a decimal! (cheers and applause) who knows? who knows? who knows what it could mean? the number of the people at the convention, my bar bill, the height of everyone in charlotte added together then divided by five, we will have full team coverage on this. our top minds, chinese guys, the whole deal. i promise you more on this number as i have to fill time. (laughter) we'll be r r
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everybody, thank you so much, folks. (cheers and applause) nation, tonight as we speak is the beginning of the professional football season and i could not be more football expression that means excited! (laughter) i want to say off sides? so break out the old pig skin-- by which i mean hot dogs. (laughter) this is the sport report. (cheers and applause) nation, this football season i am pumped for one big rivalry, the festering labor dispute between the owners and referees. the n.f.l. has enforced a
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lockout of the refs since july with the parties still divided on a variety of issues including salaries, retirement benefits, work guarantees and vision coverage because come on, ref, are you mind? (laughter) now obviously you can't have n.f.l. football without the refs. but the owners just called an automobile. >> the n.f.l. prepares to begin this season with replacement referees. one replacement ref reportedly used to work for something called the lingerie football league. (laughter). >> stephen: yes, the lingerie football league which explains why eli manning recently got a 15-yard penalty for sporting a whale tail. (laughter) well, i am giving my most valuable owners award to the n.f.l. for putting excitement back into this game.
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with pro refs riding the pine, the n.f.l. has brought in the creme-de-la-available. (laughter) i assume they hired the sales staff from a foot locker. now, with all that rookie enthusiasm you never know what's going to happen on the field on any given sunday, any given call could be blown. like in a recent game where an official twice referred to a team from atlanta as arizona and also mixed up which team had won the coin toss. (laughter) which somehow led to both the falcons and the cardinals kicking off to the coy boys. (laughter) now, in other preseason games, officials ruled that a punt had landed in the end zone when it was nearly at the five yard line and identified a player returning a kick as being guilty of holding which is impossible. (laughter) oh, really? impossible? real football players don't know the meaning of the word. or many other words thanks to repeated head trauma.
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but folks... (cheers and applause) big concussion fans here tonight. (laughter) folks, i hope the n.f.l. will look even further for replacement refs. like to the n.b.a. these football players are running all over the field without ever dribbling. where's the traveling call? and the refs don't have to be from the sporting world! put nigel lithgoe on a riser under the upright and let him judge "so you think you can end zone dance." (laughter) we'll be right [bar noises]
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♪ swing music plays ♪
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight has written a book defending the obama stimulus well, that's one job he created. please welcome michael grunwald. (cheers and applause) hey, mr. grunwald, thanks so much for coming on. all right, you're a "time" magazine senior national correspondent, i don't know what that means and the new book is called "the new new deal: the hidden story of change in the obama era." what do you mean "the new new deal"? is that some sort of printing stutter? what is... we had a new deal, first new deal was a failure. (laughter) it was! the new deal was a failure. hey, 1937 the unemployment
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started going back up again. you'll admit that. >> they's after they stopped the new deal. >> stephen: will you admit i'm factually correct? >> i can't do it. >> stephen: it went back up, unemployment went up in 1937. didn't it go up in 1937? >> that was after they stopped the new deal and started turning back towards austerity. >> stephen: so we have to do the new deal forever? >> what we have with the stimulus is similar to the new deal. you had an economy that was crashing the g.d.p. was crashing at a 9% annual rate. in that rate you'd lose the entire canadian economy in 1989. >> stephen: i think i left the canadian economy in the cab on the way here. who cares? it should be backed by beaver pelts and maple syrup. we're talking about american economy here. hold on, sir, your argument here-- and i hate to tell you, it sounds like the mad ramblings of a syphilitic brain... (laughter). >> i get that. >> your argument is that the stimulus worked. >> well, we lost 800,000 jobs in
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january, 2009, then we passed the stimulus in february and then you had the biggest improvement in unemployment in 30 years. >> stephen: in the next month? >> in the next quarter. >> stephen: so one point makes a line? that's your argument? one data point? >> every independent economist that's looked at this found it added 2% to 4% to g.d.p. which is the difference between contraction and growth. >> stephen: independent economists but not republican economists. >> some of the republican economists, too. >> stephen: let's talk about the more important issue. the american people. do you believe in the american people. >> unfortunately, the the american people agree with you. the percentage of americans who believe the stimulus created jobs is lower than the percentage who believe elvis is alive. >> stephen: what percentage? and did elvis get a job? (laughter) >> he didn't need a job, he's not alive. it turns out the stimulus is actually negotiation jump starting this recovery-- which has been a tepid recovery but, hey, look, adding $150,000 a
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month is a lot better than using 800, 000 jobs a month. it was the new new deal. >> stephen: do you get a check directly from obama or did the democratic party to say these things? (laughter). >> stephen: if you're a senior citizen or a veteran you did get a check directly from obama. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now, listen, only 6% of americans believe that the stimulus worked and at a certain point if only 6% believe it in some basic true if nonfactual way... (laughter). doesn't that mean that it didn't work because part of what the new deal did was give hope to a shattered country and this may have, like, i don't know what did it do? build an onramp or two? but it didn't give hope to people because they didn't think it's working. >> look, obviously everybody in america needs to read my book. (laughter) but... (applause). >> stephen: that's your stimulus deal! >> exactly. i tell the story that's going to
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make democrats' heads explode. >> stephen: i love that. (laughter). >> stephen: president obama sent everybody a check for his stimulus. >> stephen: $300, i remember, it saved the economy. >> that's when the republicans supported stimulus and mitt romney had the largest stimulus plan if 2008 but then obama, his economists thought they'd do it differently because behavioral science shows when you get the big check in the mail you're more likely to save it because you notice it. but if you dribble it out a few dollars a week into your paycheck you're more likely to spend it and stimulate the economy because you don't notice it. but you don't notice it. emanuel was saying hey, we're denying ourself this is ed mcmahon moment this squeal of publisher's clearing house pressure. so it's been dismal. >> that would have been exciting to see on show up with the prize van. (cheers and applause) one bright spot in this is that the republican governors of the state in lockstep arm in arm said no money thank you.
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>> no, they all took the money. >> stephen: but they were against it. >> they used the money to balance their budgets and then yell at congress for being fiscally irresponsible. the only governor who actually tried to turn down a good chunk of the must be was mark sanford but his... >> stephen: my governor, south carolina. he's a good man, a friend. >> his republican legislature overruled him. it was a huge fight and he says it was such an unbelievably lonely fight he told me he thinks that had something to do with his trip down the appalachian trail. (laughter) he did say it. (laughter). >> stephen: really? >> he said it was an extremely... >> stephen: obama's stimulus stimulated governor sanford in ways no one expected. well thank you so much for joining me. michael grunwald, "the new new deal." we'll
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♪ ♪
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>> stephen: good night, everybody! >> four years ago he made us hope again. >> yes, we can! >> now he wants to make us hope again-- again from charlotte,
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north carolina, this is the democratic national convention, hope and change, ii. it'd be less weird than if he didn't run. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) my name is jon stewart. charlotte, north carolina. my guest tonight new york senator kirsten gillibrand. it 150es 1:00 on the east coast. i imagine the cowboys game wrapping up and tonight's speaker bill clinton is about a quarter of the way through. (laughter) (as clinton) you remember my tax relief bill in' 912348 let me recite it to you from memory. we have full team coverage starting with span that bee at the convention center. sam bee. >> i'm not there yet. a lot of security in