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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  September 14, 2012 7:10pm-7:45pm PDT

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>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. see you next captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> a party too patriotic for facts. a candidate too successful for taxes; a city whose name sounds like tampon, from tampa, florida, this is the republican national convention, the road to jeb bush 2016. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central
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( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. thank you so much for tuning in. we are on on a friday night t is very unusual for us. and i'm-- let's just-- here's the-- i'm the-- here's the fact. this has been a long week. we are on the road, away from our families, the people here in tampa have been very nice, very hospitable, but let's face facts. it is hotter than a gorilla's anus. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: although, to be fair to gorillas-- (laughter) -- that is a dry heat. (applause) the worst part of this town-- the worst part of this town, you can't even sit down to take a break from the unrelenting heat because the moment you form
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any kind of lap in the tampa-st. pete area, you are set upon by those who seek to dance upon said lap. (cheers and applause) >> jon: do you know-- do you know how hard it is to get money down in tampa that does not have body glitter on it? (laughter) i was admittedly a little down last night, from being here this whole week, a little disspirited. and then-- no, no-- and then it happened. yes! amidst the tired rhetoric, empty platitudes and overwrought attacks, a fistful of awesome! (laughter)
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emerged in the night where it spent 12 minutes on the most important night of mitt romney's life, yelling at a chair. (cheers and applause) yes. and oh how the outlaw jossie wailed. >> how do you handle-- how do you handle it? i mean what dow say to people? do you just-- you know, i know people-- people are wondering-- you don't-- you don't-- okay. (laughter) >> jon: are you not entertained? (laughter) this is the most joy i've gotten from an old man. (laughter)
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>> since dick cheney nonfatally shot one in the face. (cheers and applause) i mean-- this is-- more, give me more. >> i'm not going to shut up, it's my turn. so anyway-- . >> jon: i'm here to lend my support to mitt romney in his crucial hour. will you not silence me, invisible barack obama. (laughter) i am going to tell you something, back where we work at the daily show on the west side of he'll kitchen in new york city, you don't have to go far to see an old man yelling at an inanimate object. (laughter) but rarely is that object on stage at a national political convention. and almost never is that old man oscar winner clint eastwood. (applause)
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not that romney didn't get a chance to-- you know, i think he talked too. >> we americans have always felt a special kinship with the future. >> jon: yes, yes, we americans uniquely among earth's people, move forward in time. look, i don't-- (laughter) i don't care how many marco's rubio you put in between clint eastwood and mitt romney, romney ain't outshining this little playlet i like to call the old man and the seat. and here's why-- (laughter) it hurts-- here's why it hurts. it hurt these republicans bad because this convention like all conventions is a scripted and focused group fantasy and the display of eastwood's gran torino id was the very thing republicans had constructed the entire week to suppress. this convention was the vision of a perfect america,
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that use odd to exist until barack obama ruined it, and so what if that america had never actually existed. >> to be an american was to assume that all things were possible, that unique blend of optimism, humility, it's that good feeling when you have more time to volunteer to coach your kid's soccer team or help out on school trips. it's when we see that new business opening up downtown. it's when we go to work in the morning and see everybody else on the block doing the same thing. my friends cared more about what sports teams we followed than what church we went to. >> jon: gee whiz, pops, that sounds awesome. yeah, that was the uncomplicated america you remember. i think in the early 6030s there were some churches in alabama that would have disagreed with your sports team versus place of worship anecdote. but the point is this-- what this convention attempted to do is say that we could all live again in this nostalgic paradise if it weren't for
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this one [bleep] guy! >> the president has disappointed america because he hasn't lead america in the right direction. >> barack obama's failed us. weakened america's confidence. >> diminished the dreams. >> liberty limiting radical left wing anti-business reckless spending tax hiking party of barack obama-- . >> jon: hey, his wife is nice though, i like his wife, heh. wow, it's four years, one man, barack obama has broken the greatest nation god has ever give then earth. the message of this convention is that apparently up until around november of 2008 americans lived in a utopian ideal born of our own gumption and individual hard work but sadly now, not four years later it is a blythed socialist hell scape with jack footed thugs lock you up for thinking about christmas. and here is the most incredible part of the entire fiction. while convincing us that barack obama's destroyed this country's future, the republicans have also
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invented a past where they were trying to help him succeed. >> that choice was not the choice of our party but americans always come together after elections. >> i wish president obama had succeeded because i want america to succeed. bz bull [bleep] [bleep]. >> (cheers and applause) you wanted obama to succeed? we may not remember that america was never really mayberry, but we sure as [bleep] can remember back to 2009. this is the news package from hannity's show, 100 days into the presidency. >> so help you god. >> so help me god. >> congrat lakeses. -- congratulations. (cheers and applause) >> jon: well, he did give the president 100 days before cuing up the song from the omen. (laughter)
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anybody less forgiving? >>. >> the economy is so bad and so shaky, and the obama vision has not worked at all, zero. now again, it's only been six weeks, but it isn't working. (laughter) >> jon: i mean come on, the guy's had 42 days to biggest the biggest financial catastrophe in his lifetime. he had his chance. but still 42 days is 42 days. anybody want to jump on the i hope he fails band wag orntion i don't know, eight days into his presidency. >> rush limbaugh as you know, governor, has taken a lot of heat for saying that he does not wish this president well. >> rush is partially right, and i'm not going to try and pars words here but of course we don't want failed policies to succeed. >> jon: i mean it's been eight days. we've been waiting an entire hanukkah for obama to succeed. i can't believe he hasn't fixed in 8 days what our guy did in eight years. and that's why clint
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eastwood comes in. and that is where clint eastwood has done a huge favor to us all. because the republican party's irrationality that they have worked so hard at the convention trying to conceal was unleashed in a 12 minute improvised avant-garde performance of one angry men. eastwood finally revealed the cognitive dissonance that is the beating heart and soul and fiction of this party. he's so far gone they are hammering obama for things bush did. and romney is. >> but you thought the war in afghanistan was-- was okay, i mean you thought that was something that was worth doing. we didn't check check with the russians to see how they did there for the ten years, but-- . >> jon: oh, snap. you really gave it to the guy who didn't get us into that war. (laughter) >> i never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to be president anyway. >> jon: yeah, take that harvard lauer barack obama, you'll never be the man
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harvard lawyer mitt romney is. so we-- we oh clint eastwood a debt of thanks. not only because it was a truly hilarious 12 minutes of improvised awesome in a week of scripted blah, but because it advanced our understanding. this president has issues and there are very legitimate debates to be had about his policies and actions and successes and or failures as president. i mean tune in next week. (laughter) but coy never wrap my head around why the world and the president, that republicans describe bears so little resemblance to the world and the president that i experience. and now i know why. there is a president obama that only republicans can see. (cheers and applause)
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and while the president, the rest of us see has issues, apparently this president, invisible to many, is bent on our wholesale destruction. but look, invisible obama is great for my business. i'm still sad trump's not running. (laughter) but if you really want to make this election about this guy? let me see if i can paraphrase. go ahead, make my day. (cheers and applause) z67)p?p?
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back to the show. now governor romney, governor romney is probably counted his record in the private sector but would a businessman president be good for america. we hit the convention floor to find out. >> we've heard a lot this week about mitt romney's number one qualification for president. >> mitt romney turned businesses around in the private sector. he's made a success of failing companies. america needs a turn around
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and the man for the job is governor mitt romney. >> and why is that? >> i think government needs to run more like a business. >> these aren't easy conversations to have but if it's not working you have to end it, it's got to go. >> if a-- is failing, they don't reward it, they shut [bleep] down. >> exactly. >> always letting the market decide is the best thing to do. >> what is the where are you from. >> mississippi, whoa, whoa, dead last in per-capita income. you were costing the federal government $20 billion. that is, you know what, i think we're going to have to let the market decide. >> and if that's the case, we need to take a hard look at which divisions of america are succeeding and which are failing, because what was that delaware. >> if it's not working, you have to end it, it's got to go. >> exactly. so let's do this. >> let's talk about the bottom line, south carolina is taking way more in government funding than they are paying back in tax. >> that's not good is it.
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>> you're in the red. >> yeah. >> so what do we do. >> cut government expenses, why don't we try that. >> so are you blaming the boss. >> huh? >> one of auditinged, 49 anxious states to go. >> nervous. >> a little bit. >> because i see you sweating. >> yeah. >> you anticipating bad news in this conversation. >> no, not really. >> well, you're about to get some. wisconsin is failing. you are taking in more than you're giving back. >> that's what they say. >> no, that's what mi telling you. >> i'm looking at your numbers, they are middling, i know you are wyoming, no one really expects anything of you. what do you think? yeah. >> would you like a gatorade, a towel or something t seems like your whole face is crying. these kind of things are never easy, okay, can be painful. >> we decided to let georgia go. >> suddenly when actually faced with the numbers, running america like a business didn't seem like a good idea after all. and it was every state for
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themselves. >> you're really in the red and we can't support you. >> no, no, iowa is-- has a budget that shows in the black. >> sir. >> why don't you talk to california. >> iowa is talking so much crap about you right now. >> my state? >>. >> yes. >> who are we getting rid of. >> i would go with maine. >> all right, how do you think it went. >> i don't think it went too well. >> no, it blooep wlooep didn't go too well. >> oh, it is terrible. >> you are taking in more than you are giving back. >> i done see anything wrong with that to help us get moving forward. >> explain to me if we are running a business here why we are keeping you around. >> can i talk about these hats right now. >> america is clearly struggling. it was time to ceo up. >> all right. you three are here because you are the worst three [bleep] states in the union. so we're going have a contest, okay. first prize, you get to keep your job.
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second prize, anyone want to see second prize, second prize,-- cd, third prize is you are [bleep] fired. you, minnesota y the hell should i keep you. >> we have a lend of 10,000 lakes. >> go water ski. >> what do you got. >> wide open spaces. >> who gives a [bleep] g fly a kite. mississippi you think this is funny. >> yes. >> you see this watch, this watch is worth more than your entire [bleep] state. >> we know what hard work is and we're good at it. and we grow cotton and we're the most hospitable people that you'll ever want to meet. >> i got to be honest, she is outselling you two [bleep]. take the cd, you are fired. >> prepare yourself, america, because romney always be closing. >> jon: we'll be right back.
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>> jon: welcome back, everybody, the gop is promoting their big tent approach because we sat the best [bleep] news team to find out how big this tent is. >> this year the republicans have touted their broader appeal with youth outreach groups, a warmup pavilion and even courted minorities by leting the puerto ricans sit up front. so we went to check out the new gop. but there was just one problem. >> have we seen any latinos. >> no. >> excuse me, have you seen any black people? >> that way. >> are you latino. >> no. >> dammit. >> [bleep] asian. >> excuse me, have you seen any black people. >> okay, so this is part of-- but this just when we were about to give up there was finally a sign. >> are you a-- what is your
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name and are you. >> louis all var addo, i'm latino. >> yes, finally they appeared. now let's just take ten seconds, we're going to look around and count how many black people that we see around us. they cannot work here. are you ready, go. (laughter) >> i go zero, how many did you get. >> i got two, right behind me. >> oh, they may-- one of them has freckles. >> this feels good. >> and just how were they making inroads with such diverse groups, look no further than their youth outreach campaign head up by their superrad leader.
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>> what's up, it is ms. j wily here, president of generation opportunity. hey. >> completely. >> all right, so you are the generation, how old are you exactly. >> 48 years old. >> 48. >> but i had a band when i fwhas high school. >> what year was that, 1975. >> 1984 [bleep]. >> i was-- minority-- your real prize was-- so the republicans the issues most important to them. >> i'm sorry.
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>> . >> there was one place right next door where everyone is always welcome. (cheers and applause) thank you so much for providing us with a place. >> you're welcome here any time.
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>> jon: that's our show, thank you very much, want to thank the performing arts center. the residents and special thanks to our staff, crew and correspondents.
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they busted ass this entire week, an unbelievable job. we'll be in charlotte covering the dnc next week. cooked up some comedy, aasif mandvi, his tampa, he was born here. don't miss it, here say little taste, your moment of zen. >> this is the house i grew up in, this is my dad right here. and we could have gone anywhere in america and we picked tampa because tampa is the greatest city in america. >> it's okay. >> it's okay? >> it's okay. >> what dow mean, it's okay, >> tosh.0 features video from the internet and is for mature
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audiences. enjoy! [cheers & applause] >> that ball return is dangerous. welcome to tosh.0. if i'm in your top-five celebrity sex list, and you get it notarized, i will bang you. [laughter] tonight on the show the national anthem girl gets a web redemption. we play "is it racist?" and i tell you who is going to win the super bowl. the heat. [laughter] alright, let's see if he can pick up the split. nice sports bra. how do you score that? [laughter] so this is what chubby people do while we're out on dates with women. can you imagine if they would [laughter] have rolled a ball off drestruka?