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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  November 6, 2012 2:00pm-2:30pm PST

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>> colbert: good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show," my name is jon stewart. got a good one for you tonight. our guest gerard butler has a
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new film "facing mavericks." it's a film following sarah palin around. (laughter) whatever happened to that lady? i don't know. let's begin tonight with last night's presidential debate in boca raton, florida, which is spanish for "rat's mouth." (laughter) and yiddish for "heaven's waiting room." (laughter and applause) this is the third and-- thank god-- final debate between barack obama and mitt romney. to topic, foreign policy. bad news for president obama because -- >> in the history of presidents of the united states, he's our worst at foreign policy. >> this is a very weak ill-conceived foreign policy. every place you look is failure. >> the jimmy carter years look like the good old days compared to where we are right now. >> the president has
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communicated weakness. >> jon: weakness in foreign policy! obama is weaker than coolidge in foreign policy! weaker than polk! weaker than president flinchington j. craphispants. (laughter) as you know, the only president in united states history who ever had his wallet stolen by a baby. (laughter) you don't hear as much about old president craphispants. (laughter) but given obama's foreign policy record, this debate is going to be a bloodbath. >> i congratulate him on taking out osama bin laden. drones are being used in drone strikes and i support that entirely. and feel the president was right. i want to underscore the same point the president made. i felt the same as the president did. i supported his action there. absolutely the right thing to do to have crippling sanctions. (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: i think romney's leaning obama! (laughter) apparently romney is one of this year's coveted swing voters. look, how closely did mitt romney align himself with what had, i guess up until last night, been the worst foreign policy ever? listen to these guys duet on syria. >> i believe that assad must go. >> assad has to go. >> i don't want to have our military involved in syria. >> for us to get more entangled militarily in syria is a serious step. >> so the right course for us is working through our partners -- >> -- in consultation with our partners -- >> -- to identify responsible parties within syria. >> mobilizing the moderate forces. >> organize them. >> helping the operation organize. >> we need to make sure -- >> making absolutely certain -- >> that they don't have arms -- >> -- arms ? >> the wrong hands. >> to hurt us down the road. (. >> (both together)
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thank you. (cheers and applause) >> jon: wow, what the hell was that? on foreign policy it appears that all that's left for the presidential race is this one model. i mean, at least we still get our choice of color but it's the same model! (laughter) what the hell's romney up to? the whole debate was a tour of bizarro land. here's romney on the afghanistan withdrawal. >> well, we're going to be finished by 2014 and when i'm president we'll make sure we bring our troops out by the end of 2014. >> jon: 2014 withdrawal date no matter what! that's barack obama's plan! (laughter) the weird part is, it never used to be romney's. >> announcing a withdrawal date, that was wrong. the taliban may not have watches but they do have calendars. >> jon: calendars? i meant colanders. they have colanders. (laughter) and did i say withdrawal date was wrong? i meant right!
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(laughter) how about iraq? >> governor romney, was the war in iraq a good idea worth the cost in blood and treasure we have spent? >> it was the right decision to go into iraq. i supported it at the time; i support it now. >> jon: but do you support it -- (laughter). now? >> we don't want another iraq. we don't want another afghanistan. that's not the right course for us. >> well, i guess that's not a flip-flop so much as a principled recognition because of the iraq war's current unpopularity. (laughter) you know what? iraq and afghanistan those are yesterday's wars. it's tomorrow's war that counts and if there's anything governor romney has been vociferous about lo these past 18 months it is his uncompromising belief that it's time to rattle our sabers at iran. >> this is a president who should have instead communicated to iran that we are prepared, that we are considering military options, they're not just on the table, they are in our hands. >> the president should have
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built credible threat of military action. when they see our military option in our hand, a possible blockade or aerial strikes they recognize we mean business. >> jon: we mean business mother (bleep)! (laughter) blockade! aerial strikes. pew! pew! we're going to get you, iran! all right. so here's your chance to contrast obama's appeasement through diplomacy with your freedom through strength. >> it's also essential for us to understand what our mission is in iran and that is to dissuade iran from having a nuclear weapon through peaceful and diplomatic means. we want a peaceful planet. we want people to be able tone joy their lives and know they'll have a bright and prosperous future and not be at war. i want to see peace. (laughter) >> jon: get a hair cut, hippy. (laughter and applause) governor romney appears -- (cheers and applause)
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governor romney appears to have made the calculated decision that his bellicose and hawkish performances in the republican primaries would be less appreciated by the normals. but here's the crazy part. after basically casting off what were months and weeks ago his bedrock principles and beliefs to copy obama's policy position in a transparently cynical appeal to undecided, guess which quality romney chose to highlight as the difference between the two men? >> leadership. we should be playing the leadership role. america must lead. we need strong leadership. real leadership. i'd like to be that leader. >> follow me! i'll be right behind the president! (laughter and applause) i've got to say, by the end of last night i was beginning to worry we were in some kind of "freaky friday" situation where barack obama -- they somehow peed in the same fountain and switched bodies or just --
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(laughter). remember two weeks ago when romney was the one who was all confident and staring daggers at obama and the president was looking at some rapturous dreamland that only he could see? (laughter) well, last night it was obama delivering the death stare while romney suddenly found something on his podium incredibly fascinating. (laughter) and that's not all. obama who, as we all remember, was (bleep)ing asleep during the first debate was hitting romney left and right with the zingers. >> well, governor romney is right, you are familiar with jobs being shipped overseas because you invested in companies that were shipping jobs overseas. >> jon: boom! >> you mentioned the navy, for example, and that we have fewer ships than we did in 1916. well, governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets. (cheers and applause). >> jon: bam! >> the biggest geopolitical threat facing america you said russia. not al qaeda, you said russia. and the 1980s are calling to ask for their foreign policy back. (laughter and applause). >> jon: well, that was a little hackie.
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i mean that was -- that was a it will roasty. i wouldn't (bleep) your foreign policy with margaret thatcher's (bleep), come on! hickory dickory dock, your geopolitical understanding can suck my -- (laughter) sorry. that's -- no, please don't because then i'll do it again some night. (laughter) so the president had a good night. must have felt pretty confident because he was letting his professor or y'all side shine through. especially when it came to one country. >> we've created partnerships throughout the region to deal with extremism. in somalia, in yemen, in pakistan. >> jon: what? really? (laughter) pah-kee-stahn? really? suddenly you're a guy who's desperate to prove you once roomed with a foreign exchange student? (laughter) look, this is america, we don't use the pronunciation locally. we don't say may-hee-co or
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frahnce. mexico, france. pakistan. (laughter) all in all last night made a fine conclusion, though, to the trillltrilogy of debates betweee two candidates eager acceptance of remote controlled hellfire drones to achieve that end. we learned mitt romney has basically come around to barack obama's position on foreign policy and barack obama's come around to the bush administration's policy on aggression overseas but don't worry, people. >> the foreign policy debate of the three debates i assume this will be the least watched of the three. >> so many voters in recent polls have said they don't care anything about foreign policy. >> yes or no, this debate matter? >> i don't think so. (laughter) >> jon: we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: with the third debate out of the way campaign now enters its final phase so we turn to john oliver and aasif mandvi, they've been following the two campaigns. time for the end game. gentlemen, how are you? (cheers and applause) you two have been on the bus with both campaigns. these campaigns are finally making their closing statements of this election. john oliver, let's start with you. what is obama campaign's closing
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speech and pitch to the american people? >> simply this, john. the obama camp feels the choice is simple. maybe obama hasn't been the president you wanted him to be. perhaps he didn't meet the high expectations he set himself. but the other guy, jon, is a total dick! (cheers and applause) i mean that. jon, he's a six-foot shaft with tiny ballses for feet. he may not fire you himself but you know that when he's looking at you he's unemploying you with his eyes. (cheers and applause) now, if you will excuse me, jon, i'm going to stare at aasif while he's talking, thereby dominating him visually. (laughter). >> jon: well, all right, seems like a relatively low-brow closing argument from the obama campaign. aasif, you've been with the romney campaign. what's their closing argument? >> well, what do you want it to be? (laughter) (cheers and applause)
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look, jon, um, mitt romney has been running for president for seven years. these are two short weeks left in the campaign. the polls are narrowing in key states. he just needs to pick up a few more votes to lock this thing down. so at this point, he really wants to know what individuals think so he can think it, too. because, jon, he really, really wants to be president. (cheers and applause) >> jon: that does seem like if i may say so, and i don't -- and i see what you're doing there, john. a breath takingly cynical tactic. >> you think so? (laughter) >> jon: i do. >> well, then mitt romney does, too! (cheers and applause) he always has since day one. >> oh, come on, jon, he's just being a dick! i'm telling you, salt and pepper pubic hair. real dick! real dick!
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>> jon: i hate to say this but by calling everyone a dick all the time i think the obama campaign's closing argument comes across a little dickish, quite frankly. >> no, no, no, you can't call them a dick for calling out a dick, jon. you can't call double-dick. (laughter) you can't do it. >> that's ri ridiculous. >> it is ridiculous, jon. it's not the kind of values governor romney grew up with as a lost jewish kid in central jersey. >> jon: what? wait! what? >> governor romney learned during his days listening to bruce springsteen in a -- >> jon: what? >> in a haze of pot smoke dreaming of becoming a stand up comedian. >> jon: oh, my god! that's just like my life. i didn't know romney was so relatable! >> jon, you see what he's doing! this isn't a question of romney's biography, this is about hard experience. you've heard the president, he's been everywhere. from pah-kee-stahn, to bra-see-o, to (southern accent)
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south carolina and of course (southern accent) australia. >> jon: (laughs) that's how australians say australia? >> they do if they're from south carolina, jon, yes. >> jon: pronouncing these different regions like you're a sophomore just back from a semester abroad is pretentious. it's a little dickish. >> jon, this is no time for name calling and, in fact, governor romney understands john oliver's frustration. (laughter) it's a feeling that's been nagging at him since he was a scrappy little street rat selling papers for tuppence in chittany square. can. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> jon: what? >> (in a cockney accent) that's the life wot i lived! romney for presidentnt
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, his new fame is called "chasing mavericks." >> i want to ride that wave. i want to that i can that drop. >> it's not gonna happen. >> why not? >> because untrained boys don't step in the ring with mike tyson, that's why. >> i can handle it! >> you don't just do it. buddy, i've been surfing that break for 20 years. do you have any idea how much strength and know how you need to survive a break like that? >> i'm getting stronger by the day. i'll hold my own. >> stronger by the day, huh? okay, gave me your hand. now resist me. okay? no, you're not -- >> jon: oh, i'm sorry. (laughter) please welcome gerard butler! (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: nice to see you. (cheers and applause) i guess my first thing i'm going say to you is this "grab my hand." (laughter) resist me, butler! those aren't hands they're like (bleep)ing meat hooks, jesus! what's happening? >> nothing, man, just -- i just realized how much i missed my hair. i mean it's -- >> jon: oh, is that true. >> yeah, it doesn't really look like it was, my hair. >> jon: you like it more flowing, a little more "bravehearty." as much -t as it looked bleached as hell but it was a fun cut. >> jon: >> jon: let me ask you this. did you do the things you wanted to do with your hair when it was that long or no? did you get a convertible and drive like this? (laughter) >> i mop it had bathroom floor with it. >> jon: see, i'm the opposite. when i get a hair cut now i feel liberated. i feel -- when i my hair gets too long and i get it cut i feel like oh, now, going attack the
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day. maybe it's a -- i have what do you call it osteoporosis so i don't have the bone density that a long hair -- (laughter). you're a haler figure, perhaps. >> i don't know, maybe. >> jon: i can (bleep)ing talk about this the whole time. i'm not going to it will you off the hook at this. >> well, you're right, there's something very freeing about getting it shaved off. i was just watching that there going "oh, god, i had long hair once." >> jon: let me ask you a question. we've got a monitor there. give me a quick butler single. (cheers and applause) let me ask you this. do you think to yourself "nice"? (laughter) do you ever think to yourself "i'd hit that. i'd hit that." (laughter) >> i do frequently. (laughter) laugh. (cheers and applause) >> jon: give me my single. is that skin cancer?
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what is that? (laughter) >> i'd hit that, too. >> jon: thank you, i appreciate it, it's very unhittable. i know everybody's asking you about. this they're doing this surfing film. do we have the footage of him in this crazy -- all right, so he's out -- >> the red board there. >> jon: watch this. this is insane. now watch how high the water suddenly comes -- (audience reacts) how high is that? >> that's over 30 feet. >> jon: that's a 30-foot wave and you're underneath it. >> and when the camera comes -- look at that. it's like three miles of coastline and it's just -- everything's wiped out. >> jon: everything's wiped out. what were you doing out there? (laughter) >> it does seem like a logical question. i was asking the same thing when i saw that wave coming and i knew there was no escape i thought how the (bleep) did i end up out here? >> jon: were they filming? was that being -- >> we were filming at the time. we were in the middle of filming, we'd gone closer into the rocks and we're just --
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we're getting ready for something and we just saw this huge set of waves coming in and it was like watching a tsunami and they start going -- >> jon: it's 30 feet of water. that's a three story wave. and when you're underneath it, how long are you under there? >> well, i was -- i had what's called a two-way hole bank. some people don't make it through. those waves there's 18, 20 seconds between them. plus they take you with them. so you're underwater going along with the waves and i didn't make it back up for the next one and i had already been paddling and trying to get out of the way. so i was exhausted by the time that wave hit. >> jon: who got -- did you pop up? how did you get out? did somebody reach down and grab you? like what -- do you remember getting out? were you -- >> yeah, no, i came up and i went "oh, christ." then i saw the next wave coming and i was like "oh, not again!" and one t guy who taught me e to surf was there on a jetski and he came over but the look on fear on his face that's when i realized how (bleep). (laughter)
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and i few he wasn't scared for himself but it was like -- >> jon: sure, she had a jetski! >> exactly. yeah. oh, nice one, you get the jetski! so he had to turn around because the wave was coming and he left. (laughter) and i'm like all right, here comes the next one. and it took me down again. and then i came up again and then one of the surrers who was maybe over 30 yards away, it was all blurry now and i think he's saying "calm down, you'll be all right." and i'm thinking "i'm not all right." so now i'm at the rocks and the next wave came and took me down again. and finally i came up and grant came in and he grabbed me in. >> jon: i thought you were going to say "and then a giant boot came down and stepped on me." (laughter) at that point did they say like "hey, where's gerard's stunt double?" like, did they get somebody? (laughter) >> yeah. the insurance company stepped in and did that. "gerard, stay on the shore."
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>> jon: unbelievable. well, it didn't hurt the money maker, you're still rocking the -- good stuff, baby. (applause) you've got to see some of this stuff. the wave footage is ridiculous. "chasing mavericks" is in the theaters on friday. gerard butler. (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: that's our show, here it is, your moment of zen. >> what did you think about mitt romney this evening? go? >> i think he was assertive, confident au