tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central November 30, 2012 7:00pm-7:30pm PST
celebrating american exceptionalism. that special je ne sai quoi that americans have that keep us from knowing things like what je ne sais quoi means, i don't know. but for some time now americans have been in decline. and i have been searching for the exact moment when we went from being the u.s. of a to the u.s. of eh. well, folks, i think i found it, fasten your seat belts. and incidentally, if are you wearing seat belts to watch tv, you're part of the problem. >> it sounds preposterous but the united states has to factor into the cold ware to possibly nuke the moon. >> they say the plan call force an intercontinental ballistic missile to be launched from an undisclosed location, travel to the moon and detonate on impact with the height of the cold ware, security scares all around, american leaders felt they needed to give a jolt to the
soviet union. >> stephen: we were going to nuke the moon and we didn't! (laughter) this is earth-shattering news. when it should have been moon shattering news. clearly this, this moment is when america stepped back from greatness. oh, let's see, what's the best way to send the rescu rescue-- russ keyes a message. a tense u.s. security council meeting, no, you light up the goddamn moon way nuclear haloso bright kruschev can read pravda at midnight. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh, and what milk toast nancy pants pussied out on our nuclear lunar program? eisenhower. sure, ike beat the nazis but what about the moon nazies? oh, they don't exist?
that's just what moon hitler wants you to believe. instead, instead we chose lunar appeasement. and it is just emboldened the moon. i swear last week that thing was half the size. this nation, i say this nation must nuke the moon before it can acquire nuclear weapons of its own. and don't think it isn't trying because we know it is teamed up with fundamentalist islam. (laughter) folks, if you ask me, you shouldn't be asking me because i ask the questions around here. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) nation, one of the very biggest losers of the recent election was traditional marriage. you see three more states
legalized gay marriage. no surprise that one of the new states is washington. what dow expect from a state named for a guy who wears q-- capri slacks. (laughter) but one of the state's biggest corporations, boeing, a name synonymous with aerospace excellence and bonner sound effects has indicated in union contract talks that they will deny equal pension benefits to married gay employees. hey, hey, yeah, i'm angry at the gays too. hey, gay boeing plorx the only marriage you should have is to your job unless your job is in the cockpit. (laughter) well-- folks, to commemorate this refreshing denial of human dignity, i'm giving a tip of my hadd to boeing for being gay rights pioneers. kuz if you think about it this is great for the gays.
if companies don't have to pay out survivor pensions for same-sex couples it will save the millions. soon every company will want them. there will be a gay job explosion. boy the way do not google the term gay job-- nation, this blatant devaluing of gay partners is great for any company's bottom line. or top line, he wouldn't know, i'm not into that lifestyle. folks, next up on-- the wag thing i as the kids call it, mi such a stanch supporter of the right to bear firearms that i'm up set we can't bear fire legs. that's too limbs that aren't shooting something. so you know i was pumped as a 12 gauge to see the students with gun permits can get their own segregated
dorms at the university of colorado. forever insurancing that no one will think of it as a safety school. but folks, i'm sorry, i have to give a wag of my finger at university of colorado students because not one signed up to live in the gun dorm. come on. this is college. time to get crazy. do shots, take shots, get shot. maybe join a fraternity like i'm a poppa capa. (applause) good bunch of guys. let's face it, living in a gun dorm is not any more life threatening than spending 160,000 dollars on an english degree. so come on, u of c students, live a little. if not very long. we'll be right back.
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. nation folks, doint know about you but i believe in the ancient mayan prophecy that december 3 1st of 2012 will bring-- bring about the end 69 year, it's also predicted by the ancient mayan sexy fireman calendar. folks, the end of the year is my favorite time of the year. because that's when the media ditches their last remaining vestiges of journalism and just counts things. >> we must be getting close to the end 69 year because top ten lists are now coming out. >> anderson cooper will reveal our top ten heroes of 2012. >> michelle counting down her top political turkeys of the year. >> counting down the top acts for holiday shopping. >> the top fashionista of the 2012. >> special top ten showbiz countdown of the year's most explosive reality shows.
>> stephen: as always the number one explosive reality show, bomb stars where eight celebrities live in a beach house and are blown up. folks, i love numbered lists so much that i have compiled my top ten lists of favorite numbers one through ten. coming in at number one for the second year in a row, five! (cheers and applause) and now the five that is number one, number five is, of course, seven. as in the phrase slap me a high seven, my number five man. (laughter) of course my top ten numbers list always make my yearly list of favorite lists's lists. unfortunately my list of favorite lists lists did not make this year's list. but one list maker that always makes my list is "time" magazine. this year once again i'm a contender on their person of
the year list. (cheers and applause) now in previous years i have competed for time's attention with my korean pop nemesis rain. rraaiinnnn! is not on the list this year. personally i blame the drought. so this year i am a shoe-in to take it as long as there isn't a huge k pop star with killer dance moves capturing america's heart. >> gangnam style. >> stephen: ppssyyyyyj! he dares to be on the list ahead of me. oh, i will crush you and the invisible horse you rode in on. (laughter) besides, right now i am at number five which you will recall this year is number one.
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: so i am already kind of winning. now of course i'm also making listory with my new book, america again, rebecoming the greatness we never weren't. boom! thanks to you, nation, we have been on "the new york times" best-seller list for eight years in a row. bam lam! but here's the thing. we peaked at number three. and every week since i'm trailing bill o reilly's best-sellers killing lincoln, killing kennedy, and let's say sodomizing coolidge. (laughter) now you know, anybody watches this show knows there is no bigger fan of bill o'reilly than bill himself. but-- i am a close second.
nevertheless there are no friends on the best-seller list, as papa bear proved on the jon stewart show. >> so you got killing lincoln, killing kennedy, what is the next one? >> killing colbert. >> jon: oh, that's nice. no, i cannot advise, you have stepped over the line, sir! (laughter) >> okay, okay. no big deal. (laughter)
all right, nation, [bleep] is on. it is time for you to defend america, if by america you mean me, and i usually do. tonight i am launching operation killing killing kennedy. i need everyone-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i need everyone within the sound of my voice to go buy my book and for the record this isn't me abusing our relationship by telling you to buy my book. this is me reminding you you're going tow buy my book eventually. just don't do it in dribs and drabs. let's get it all done in one week and rock it to the top! (cheers and applause) and and if that rocket, and if that rocket happens to go right up bill o'reilly's ass, well then merry christmas. (cheers and applause) we'll be right back.
>> welcome back. his new book is called the particle at the end of the universe. >> great, now i know how the universe ends. >> please welcome sean carroll. chors plaus how's it going, nice to see you, dr. carroll. >> mr. doctor doctor. >> you can call me sean. >> stephen: thank you, dr. sean, thanks for coming back, a tv psychiatrist, dr. sean, theoretical physicist who theoretically
helped you. okay, now you're back again to talk about one of the great mysteries of modern theoretical physics. and that is the particle at the end of the universe, how the hunt for the his bosan leads to us the edge of a new world. okay, you are, this is the second time you've been on to talk about this i think you're like the fourth or fifth guy who had to come on and explain to me what the hell is happening at the large hedron collider over there in switzerland, right. >> and not america, okay. not america. >> we had our chance. >> we did. >> it makes it hard to trust if it doesn't happen in the united states, doesn't it, science is everywhere. >> the same science,. >> really? >> in geneva as in new york city. >> but during the cold war when we were fighting the soviets our german scientists were better than their. >> different in different places. >> just want to make sure.
explain to me again because i understand it when you explain it to me but the moment you leave the room it evaporates out of my head. >> coy explain that using science. >> okay, okay. what is the higg-bosan and why is it. >> so bag-- back in the day the early 60s fis quist-- physicists were try tounged stand the nuclear forces that hold together the nuclear a tomorrow and they couldn't. they kept coming up with this idea that it was spread out all over the place which it clearly doesn't so they came up with this bizarre-sounding idea that empath-- empty space is filled with an energy field every with. >> impossible. >> no, not-- we just got evidence that it's true. >> stephen: no, i'm going-- [bleep] because-- (laughter) >> stephen: it is not empty space if it is filled with something. checkmate. i wait your apology. >> this is why. these are supersmart scientists they figured out that even the emptyist of spaces could be filled with something.
>> stephen: okay. >> and the thing we discovered in july is the evidence that they were right. 48 years later. >> stephen: okay. so again what is it? >> so this field that fills space that affects all the other articles that moves through it gives rise to a new particle, the higg-bosan. >> stephen: so the field gives rise to the natural, an energy force that gives rise to a physical thing. >> exactly. >> stephen: that is like teleporetation. >> no, it's like physics, it's like science, it's like a light that is coming from the light bulbs. >> this is a vibration in a feel. the electric field, the magnetic fields are vibrating and we see it as light. >> stephen: that say physical thing because you can get a sunburn. >> that's right and the higg-bosan is physical because it shows up on the data, the plot is right there. >> stephen: okay, again, i'm no closer to understanding. i have heard this called the gord particle yeah. >> stephen: why is it called the god particle. >> marketing?
:what do you mean? >> people were trying to explain how porn this bosan is to physicists, it's the last piece of this ed i fis we have been building for the last 2500 years. >> stephen: is this is it? >> this is the last piece of this part. >> stephen: so we've won science. >> we've won, the way i like to say it --. >> stephen: can we go back to religion now. >> the easy part is now over. >> stephen: what dow mean the easy part is over. >> we discovered that the universe has different parts to it, there is ode matter there is dark matter, dark energy, so the ode matter, the stuff that make up you and me, you and me make up the four humor, red bile, yellow bile, quite bile. >> obviously you have the element, earth, air, fire and water. what since then? >> quantum field they werery right there. >> over, this is this big hoop, hula hoop they have underneath the mountain.
>> they speed up these tiny particles. >> 99.99999 percent speed of light. >> stephen: okayment and how small are we talking here, like an ant. >> no, really small. >> stephen: half an ant. >> yeah tunier. >> stephen: like a grain of rice. >> smaller, keep going, very, very small. >> stephen: what do we get from knowing this, do i get my swret pack now o or-- teleporetation or light sabres, any of that stuff. >> we get the happy feeling that we understand how the universe works. >> stephen: how much does this cost now? >> the large hedron collider was about $9 billion. >> stephen: about $9 billion so guys like you who can understand this get happy. you know what a prescription of prozac costs, right? you could have done that too. (applause) >> stephen: you know. i can understand this because again i'm intellectually hydro
planning on explanations. -- when i try think about the way are you explaining it to me, i'm sure are you bad at explaining things, but could i understand it without the math? >> wave your hand through the air comparing it to what it would be like waving it through molasses t would be harder to wave it through the molasses. >> stephen: but fun. >> but fun, exactly. so the higg field like the molasses. all the electrons that make up the atoms holding you together, they are moving through this higgs field, getting mass from that. >> stephen: they are getting mass from moving -- >> through the higgs field. >> it interacting with them and giving them mass. they become massive (cheers and applause) >> stephen: sean carroll, the particle at the end of the universe. we'll be right back.
>> thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome, thanks for joining us. but that is it for the report. before we go i want to thank you all for watching. i want to thank my agent james dixon, my manager doreen lipman, my lawn guy, jose, my other lawn day, i'm sorry i keep calling you jose but i can't remember your name, blue dog, from blues clues, the gang at america vispuchi without whom none of this would have been possible, they are playing me off. and my beautiful wife and kids. i'm sorry i keep calling you jose but i can't remember your name. good night. (cheers and applause)
captioning sponsored by comedy central captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we have a fine one tonight. our good friend calvin trillin from calvin trillin & hobbs, the great cartoon, calvin trillin, you remember him peeing by the wall, and there is a tiger. (laughter) hey, quick, off the top, you remember that contest, the obama campaign had, you donate and you might win lunch with the president? (laughter) you are not going to believe who won! (laughter) >> president bar
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