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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 15, 2013 7:00pm-7:30pm PST

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>> spaghetti. >> i have a turkey sandwich and a glass of gravy. >> is it from panera? >> no. >> what are you thankful for? >> for my family and the fact that i have all my arms and legs. >> this is worse than my family dinner. michael, what are you thankful for? holy mall. >> i'm not coming back, michael. >> i'm staying home so i can come to your house. >> not going to happen. >> i'm thankful for this here. >> can that gorilla do any tricks? he knows sign language. >> i'm thankful for you and malloy. >> f you ass-kisser. happy thanksgiving. here is is a child. i'm blocking you. have fun at the kids' table. thanks, everybody. have a happy thanksgiving. >> happy thanksgiving. >> happy thanksgiving. (laughter)
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>> the only thing that makes me sleepier than turkey is dhating with you guys. boring, i say. okay. time for celebrity birthdays. no celebrities were born today. good night. (applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause]
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[chowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. sit down. we will tom cot report. good to have you with us. sorry to keep you waiting, folks. i was just down in my underground bunker, making preparations. it's best that i don't divulge too many details because [whispering] i'm starting to suspect this place is loaded with microphones and cameras. [ laughter ] folks, but down in the bunker, i'm ready for that dark tomorrow when jack-booted government thugs come for our guns.
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that's where the ghillie suit comes in. let's say the government busts in here looking to arrest me because i'm a gun owner and haul me off to one of those jails where you can't bring your gun. [ laughter ] oh, they have 'em. they already have them set up, okay? the minute they bust down that door, i just do this. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] "hey, where's colbert? >> he's not here. just a pile of grass clippings on his desk. perfectly normal. and i'm home free. you're going to want to get one of these, and not just because it's slimming. [ laughter ] no, tomorrow is the day reich marshal von amtrak has promised to issue his recommendations for gun control. >> i'm going to be submitting to
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the president a proposal as to how to proceed. i'm shooting for tuesday. we all know there's no silver bullet. >> stephen: you hear that? [ laughter ] they're taking away our silver bullets. how will we defend ourselves from werewolf bandits?! [ laughter ] so with our guns under attack we're devoting an entire act of the show tonight to a thoughtful, sensitive conversation about guns. this is "stephen colbert's double-barrel blam-o-rama!" [cheers and applause] sadly, folks, people with extreme positions can often dominate this debate. but there are reasonable people on both sides, who are reasonably trying to blame anything but guns.
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for instance hollywood. just look at how many of this year's oscar nominees glamorize guns: "django unchained," "zero dark thirty," "argo," "lincoln" and the worst one of all "les miserables." who among us didn't want to shoot russell crowe? [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] and movies aren't the only culprit. the real problem is the media our kids consume. isn't that right, media adults consume? >> why does congress always take aim, if you will, at guns? >> you've got to talk about society, violent video games >> these are murder simulators. they rehearse the action. >> the extraordinary realism to video games and movies now, et cetera, does cause vulnerable young men, particularly, to be more violent. >> stephen: true, and in a lot of these games they're not just using guns but crowbars, baseball bats, and even chainsaws. that puts frightening ideas in kids' heads. at this point, if i see a teenager coming at me with a
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chainsaw, i'm sorry, but i cross to the other side of the street. [ laughter ] of course, video game violence is not a new problem. who can forget, in the wake of sim city, how children everywhere took up urban planning? [ laughter ] it was all "tune in, turn on, and zone for residential use!" man! [ laughter ] yes, yes. when talk starts about restricting things, it's never video games or movies. it's always the most innocent amongst us. our guns. why? [ laughter ] well, look no further than the media, milking tragedy for their own profit, inciting fear instead of calmly and objectively reporting the news like i am. [ laughter ] case in point, my guest tonight cnn host and matthew perry in anaphylactic shock, piers morgan. [ laughter ]
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folks, when it comes to gun rights, like all englishmen, he drives on the wrong side of the barrel. 1010 americans a year are hit by gunfire or killed or wounded. you have to wake up and smell the coffee. at what point do you gunny lobby guys want say we get it. it's time to change. >> stephen: calm down, peers! what experience does this union jack-off have with guns? their police don't even carry them. [ laughter ] if you want to have a debate about whistle control, i'm all ears. [ laughter ] but piers isn't interested in having a productive discussion. look at the way he ignores his guest radio host, gun advocate, and conspiracy sommelier alex
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jones' and his perfectly reasonable questions. >> how many gun murders were there in britain? >> how many great white sharks kill people every year but they're scared to swim? >> how many gun murders were there in britain last year? >> how many chimpanzees can dance on the head of a pin? >> stephen: yes, answer the real questions, piers! [ laughter ] how many chimps can dance on a head of pin? why can't donkey's hanglide? how much lunchmeat can you hit with a hockey stick? [ laughter ] it's pointless to talk about gun control until these vital questions have been answered. now, some have said piers puts only crazy people like alex jones on his show who oppose all restrictions on gun ownership, when he could just as easily have on reasonable people like the nra, who oppose all restrictions on gun ownership. [ laughter ] you know who i dare him to sit down with? overnight internet celebrity and ceo of tactical response firearms training center james
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yeager, who reacted to the administration's upcoming gun grab in measured tones. >> (bleep) that. [ laughter ] i'm telling you that if that happens it's going to spark a civil war and i'll be glad to fire the first shot. i'm not (bleep) putting up with this, i am not letting my country be ruled by a dictator, i'm not letting anybody take my guns. if it goes one inch further, i'm gonna start killing people. [ laughter ] >> stephen: yes. why would you ever want to take away his guns? [ laughter ] now, folks -- [cheers and applause] not entirely appropriate to shimmy during this discussion so i saw an opportunity and i took it. [ laughter ] now, yeager took a little heat for his passion about the second amendment, so after a day to cool down and reflect, he expressed himself in a much calmer manner.
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>> i was mad when i said it and probably allowed my mouth to overrun my logic. but i don't retract any of my statements. [ laughter ] >> stephen: okay? he's sorry, just not for the things that he said. [ laughter ] >> i don't condone anybody doing anything rash. i do not condone anybody committing any kind of felonies, up to and including aggravated assaults, or murders unless it's necessary. [ laughter ] >> stephen: important point! only "necessary" murder. okay. if someone endangers your family, or, through their -- takes their yogurt from the break-room fridge.
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or through their. democratically elected representatives, enacts a gun control law of any kind. so we need to be ready. how are we gonna do that? >> it is time to get ready. start working out, start stretching. steerchg so important. you've got to stretch. trust me, when the (bleep) goes down, you do not want to pull a hammy. [cheers and applause] i recommend -- feel the like i'm in a road show of where the wild things are. i recommend hot yoga-- when you're mounting an armed insurrection, you want your chakras to be open. and your butt high and tight. [ laughter ] and you can't blame guys like yeager for being passionate because guns are the civil rights victims of our time. it's no coincidence that most of them are black. [ laughter ] and that i get nasty looks when i sit down with one at a lunch counter. [ laughter ]
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and i'm not the only one who thinks so. standing with me is larry ward founder of the first-ever gun appreciation day, which happens to be this saturday, the same weekend as martin luther king day. and that's no coincidence. >> i believe that gun appreciation day honors the legacy of dr. king. i think martin luther king would agree with me if he were alive today. >> stephen: yes, dr. king would be pro-gun just as surely as jesus would be pro-nail. [ laughter ] because like mr. ward, dr. king understood that the root of all oppression is lack of firepower. [ laughter ] >> if african-americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country's founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history. [ laughter ] >> stephen: yes! if only america's founders had turned to the people they owned and chained into servitude and said, "here's your gun. use it
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responsibly." [ laughter ] i guess all larry ward is saying is that america would be a better place if george washington and thomas jefferson had been shot by their slaves. [ laughter ] because he's a reasonable man -- of course, not as reasonable as this debate's sanest voice the motor city madman, ted tugent! who, it turns out, is crazy for tolerance. telling worldnet daily, "there will come a time when the gun owners of america -- will be the rosa parks and we will sit down on the front seat of the bus. case closed. [cheers and applause] case closed. if rosa parks had had a gun, she wouldn't have been sitting in the back of that bus, she could have carjacked it. [ laughter ] of course, the nuge has long been an inspiration for the civil rights movement. in the words of the old negro spiritual, "free at last, free at last, wango tango!
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i'm free at last." we'll be right back. 2i-ppa @, @[cheers and ap]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you for rejoining our broadcast already in progress. nation, longtime viewers know i love my sponsors like i love my children-- if my children gave me money. whraf laugh.
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[ laughter ] that's why i leap, like a mother tigress, to their defense if anyone attacks them. i am especially protective of the coca-cola company's whole family of products. although in this family fanta's kinda the black sheep. [ laughter ] why can't you be more like the neighbor's kid, he's a "doctor." [cheers and applause] folks, in this family, i especially love vitaminwater. oh, that reminds me. gotta take my meds. monday. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] whoo! sadly, as vitaminwater's parent company, coca-cola is now embroiled in a lawsuit for allegedly making "deceptive and unsubstantiated claims" that their product is healthy. just because it has the words "vitamin" and "water" on the label? come on, we're all adults. there's no sun in sunny d!
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[ laughter ] or paul newman in fig newmans-- anymore. [ laughter ] and coca-cola's lawyers agree with me. they argue that "no consumer could reasonably be misled into thinking vitaminwater was a healthy beverage." exactly. what consumer would reasonably think vitaminwater is healthy just because their labels say it "supports your immune system" will "give your morning some nutrition," helps "fight for your overall health," and they have claimed vitaminwater will reduce the risk of chronic disease, eye disease, and promote healthy joints. and they're commercials say this: >> keep it simple by drink vitaminwater edge. it helps support a healthy body. >> stephen: that's right, a healthy body. as long as you define healthy as a backboard-headed mutant.
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[ laughter ] now, the group suing coca-cola, the center for science in the public interest, say that the healthy name "vitaminwater" , small amount of vitamin contet and obscures the product's 33 grams of sugar which is almost as much as a can of coke. though, according a recent 1905 study, is a delightful, palatable and hetful beverage. the chief litigator stephen gardner went so far as to claim the coca-cola company added vitamins to crap? added vitamins to crap? that is slanderous, coca-cola must countersue and give me a call because i just got a great idea for energy bars.
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. [cheers and applause] my guest tonight is a talkshow host who thinks he knows what's best for america. sorry, that job's taken. please welcome piers morgan. [cheers and applause] good to see you again. >> good to to see you. >> stephen: how are you? >> very good, thank you. >> stephen: thank you for coming on. i'm a big fan of the show and i mean this in the most respectful way possible get (bleep) out of town. [ laughter ] okay? no, no after the interview. >> okay. >> stephen: you understand to an american ear what it sounds like to have an english accent telling us how to live our lives. [ laughter ] >> i actually do, yes. i know how annoying it is, yes.
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>> stephen: you come from a place without the second amendment. >> we don't actually have guns. literally we don't have guns. you can't get your hands on them. the police don't have them. people in britain don't have guns. >> stephen: you hate the united states constitution. >> i love it. >> stephen: have you ever read a copy of it. here is is a copy of it. >> thank you very much. it's a very nice copy. >> stephen: second amendment says "congress shall make no law --" they can make laws -- "no law -- do you speak english. >> we gave you our language as you know. >> stephen: we took it with our guns. [ laughter ] >> correct. >> stephen: at lexington concord, it was the shot heard round the world not the debate or whistle or report.
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we have a different experience than do you. >> you love your guns, i know you do. >> stephen: we do love our guns. how dear you tell americans how to live their lives. >> quietingly pointing out if my country where we have no guns we have 35-40 gun murders a year. in your country 11,000. i think where 20 young americans are blown to pieces, americans should say something has to be done. >> stephen: well, i think it's a cheap shot to bring up the subject we're talking about. [ laughter ] okay. fevers are running very high. nobody wants to protect children more than i do but fevers are running very high right now. we should stop and take some time until we can approach this in a calm manner. >> nonsense. >> stephen:, no, no,. that's the kind of irrational passion i'm talking about. we need to take the time,
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reflect and eventually forget and then -- [ laughter ] -- then i don't think we'll have such a heated debate. >> there were only seven mass shootings in america last year. it's a very, very hard to start the debate when it's too soon because we're following the last one. >> stephen: i'm not having you here to advocate for mass shootings. i'm have you advocate for freedom. until england you don't have freedom. >> we like -- >> stephen: no, no the queen can come in and take yours. >> a lot of americans think our royal family is going to launch a attempted invasion of your country. the queen and kate middleton are about to arrive, come in and take your a rirks-15's from you. >> stephen: that's ridiculous they would hire herbans to come
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here and have the ear quoas to come -- ear iriquois to come against them. >> stephen: that's why we have guns to keep the government from taking our guns. that's what the founding fathers intended. have you read the constitution? >> i have. >> stephen: read the constitution. >> i have. >> stephen: you are having people -- people are saying you are just pumping up your ratings by having on crazy people. why not have reasonable people on to talk about -- people on the pro-gun side of debate who happen to be reasonable voices who think there are something that can be done. >> none of them think we should
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take any guns away. >> stephen: i know because it's not reasonable because it's not constitutional. have you read the constitution? >> can i have another copy? [ laughter ]
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