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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  January 16, 2013 10:00am-10:30am PST

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when i have my money, i'm going to hire somebody to give a (bleep). wouldn't that be nice? wouldn't it be nice? you hire just some random dude off the street to give a (bleep) for you. that's his job. so your wife comes home, she's all pissed. she's like, "oh, you're just going "to spend all our money at the casino and then park your truck in my flower bed?" i'd be like, "you need to talk to todd. i will leave you two alone." i'm not even going to wear a bathing suit when i have my money. i'm just going to hire some random dude to walk in front of my dick like this on the beach. people would be like, "who is that?" i'm like, "that's gary. that's my new suit." i'd be like, "tuck your thumb in, gary." i don't want that crazy tan line that look like my penis has been hitchhiking for vaginas. this time i'm going to wake up every day when i got all my money, okay? i'm going to have a bunch of little asian babies come in my room, okay? because that's the softest baby that the lord makes, okay? and they come in and i got their feet padded so they extra quiet.
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and they've been caged up so they feel vealy, they real real soft. and they come in and look-- one of them has a drum. but i didn't buy him any sticks, so he just has to carry his drum. he's the angry one. and they come in, and look, this is how they wake me up: the (bleep) softest way to wake up in the world, they sprinkle cinnamon on me. that's gangsta, son. when you go to bed at night and set your alarm clock to cinnamon asians... ...then you (bleep) up and set it to brothers with nutmeg. they show up an hour late with no nutmeg. thank you guys very much. i'm theo von. thank you guys for coming out tonight! thank you! woo! captioning sponsored by triage entertainment group captioned by media access group at wgbh
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". you magnificent bastards. [ laughter ] we've got a good one for you tonight. cbs news man bob schieffer he will be talking about the news business of which he is a part. we're going to begin tonight. there's a lot of stories. i don't even know where to start. [ laughter ] let's see if we have anything in an enormous fall from grace. >> on monday lance armstrong admitting doping while he was winning the tour de france seven
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times. [ laughter ] >> jon: i believed in you lance armstrong. i shelled out a dollar for a rubber bracelet that i have somewhere in my house. [ laughter ] for you! i did it for you. and when i think of the fact that i spent a -- [ laughter ] well, i think we all owe cancer an apology. [ laughter ] or is that not the lesson in all this? well, listen armstrong is a cheater but it's good news for america's second favorite cyclist who i'm sure is in there cyclist. america's second favorite cyclist. let's call him bikie joe, i guess. who got him to come out with the
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truth? what entity is more powerful than lady justice? >> breaking news, it's said that lance armstrong has confessed in his interview with oprah oprah y that he used performance enhancing drugs. >> jon: i don't read any my guest books oh, my god! i can't believe it. my ipod is only boy bands. why am i doing this? i can't not confess. no! godfather 3 is the best -- no! i'm hypnotized by her look. [ laughter ] i am (bleep) this show up left and right, ladies and gentlemen. i don't even know what to tell you. [ laughter ] you're welcome. [cheers and applause] i applaud your lack of preparation. [ laughter ] the interview doesn't air until
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thursday on the own network which stands for oprah win friday is not on channel 7 anymore. you'll find it. it's surprisingly candid and timely conversation with gayle king of cbs news oprah describes the interaction. >> i would say that he did not come clean in the manner that i expected. it was surprising to me. i would say that for myself, my team, all of us in the room, we were mesmerized and rivetted by some of his answers. >> jon: so you're saying we should watch it. [ laughter ] by the way that interview is not on satellite, oprah just appears to gayle whenever gayle gazes into a reflective surface. lance armstrong was doping. of course he was. you can best cancer and you can
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win the tour de france but you can't beat the tour de france 7 times and beat cancer or vice versa meaning you have won the tour de france and lost seven testicles. it's obvious in hindsight. it's like the tooth fairy. of course, a winged fairy spends her life collecting baby teeth yet somehow has money in her pocket to give out. defies credibility. any idiot with half a brain should have been able to see armstrong of lying. they've been testing me like crazy. they've been following you. don't the results speak for themselves at a certain point? >> jon: hello! hello. [ laughter ] nailed it again. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] you know what? for as good as interviewing as i am, i would not be surprised if
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armstrong was also banging david patreaus. [ laughter ] looking at how the two of us have aged since that interview, i need to start doping. [ laughter ] so armstrong admits doping. it's a long road back to redemption. how can he find himself back to america's good graces. >> he has indicated a willingness to testify against others. >> jon: good, america doesn't like liars but they love a six in for more on the story were joined by asive mandvi in our -- assif mandvi in our regular segment paging dr. mandvi. >> thank you, jon. >> jon: from a medical standpoint how remarkable is armstrong's accomplishment? great question, jon. a lot of people are wondering how did lance armstrong maintain a web of lies for over 13 years,
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just one more tribute to this incredible endurance athlete when the average man can only sustain a single lie for between five and seven hours before guilt and lack of oxygen. goo on my shirt. i was doing an art project with children. okay it's stripper glitter! >> jon: you are saying it's preparation. >> and training. this is practicing running from the truth at the prestigious dick nixon human deexception lab in washington, d.c. even then researchers recognized his greatness. >> jon: physiology has to play some role in this. not just the training. we could train for years and never approach that type of endurance. >> certainly his inherent unethical ability gives him --
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>> here say normal human brain. you can see the center that controls deception is this white matter right here. you can see it's the size of a walnut or four warm almonds or one and a half brazil nuts. i flew in on first class. >> jon: i understand they give you a ramekin of nuts and they are warm. >> delicious. >> jon: that's a normal one. >> if you look at armstrong's it's looks like this. [ laughter ] see like -- [ laughter ] there we go. and. [ laughter ] >> jon: two to three inches of whipped cream covering the
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entirety of his brain. >> that's right there. >> jon: what kind of doctor are you? >> i'm an indian doctor, jon. this is my medical degree right here. we just know this stuff, okay? >> jon: so, okay, so this explains why why he is capable of telling bigger lies for longer periods of time. >> to some extent. he was born with genetic advantages. he certainly worked hard at -- [ laughter ] he has worked hard at being the best liar you can be but even that doesn't completely explain his success. >> jon: who. are you saying what i think you are saying? >> i think i'm saying what you think i'm saying. >> jon: i think you think i know think what you are saying. say it. >> all right. i'll say it. i believe he has been using lie enhancing drugs.
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you name it, he's on it. fib-adr e, dedecept-a friend. nonsense call, the generic of fraud-u-lex. guilt is say side effect of the drugs and any one of these doctors will mask wit a 100 milligramses ofdo h(jú,xazvj[cheers and applause]
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>> jon: welcome back. in american history there are certain magical events. they occur only once in a great while. haley's comet fly by, a mets world series win, dick morris accurating calling an election. [ laughter ] then there's the rarest of the rare, the certificate of thing they are foretold in prophecy and never dream you yourself would live with. >> justice clarence thomas broke a sen year silence on the supreme court. >> jon: why would one of the justices keep completely quiet
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for so long unless -- ursula the sea witch stole his voice when he fell in love with a human! i have little kids. [ laughter ] but there must be a reason clarence thomas doesn't like to speak publicly. [ laughter ] there must be a reason that he keeps silent that doesn't involve him being a merman. he has done interviews. >> the perception is that -- critics will say you are not smart enough, you are insecure. >> jon: they make fools out of themselves with those kinds of comments. [ laughter ] >> jon: that's y. that's not really his voice. sorry. we changed it for humorous effect. here is his real voice. >> they make fools out of
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themselves with those kind of comments. [ laughter ] >> jon: now, i know why he never speaks. he is preserving that beautiful baritone. please clarence can i have some more of that sultry -- >> justice marshall rarely asks questions, justice powell rarely asks questions it's a personal preference. >> jon: oh, mr. thomas that is niesms now i know why he is holding back. if he spoke he would be buried under a pile of panties and roses. he is aafraid if he speaks too loudly shifts drawn by his song would be lured to demise crashing upon the steps of justice system. so after seven years silence broken. i bet he laid down a hell of a
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judicial stemwinding after seven years. >> the transcript picked up only four words. [ laughter ] >> jon: well i beat he made them count. you know? what did he say. >> justice scalia made a joke about yale law school. justice thomas' alma mater and according to the court transcript he said, well, he did not -- and that's all he said. [ laughter ] >> jon: well he did not? i was going to after seven years you have to make them out. you're out of order! luke, i'm your father. that is unconstitutional. you can't handle the -- that's four (bleep). well, he did not. what does that even mean. >> what thomas appeared to be
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suggesting was that an ivy league degree didn't necessarily mean the lawyer was qualified and the courtroom erupted in laughter. >> jon: really? [ laughter ] good room. so that's your only equip you've been there seven years and no other equips. not a -- that's what she said? sounds like my wedding night. nothing? aristocrats, nothing? probably the last time we'll hear from him. you know he's going to pull a costanza. >> [cheers and applause]
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight is cbs news chief washington creant and moderator of "face the nation." please welcome back to the program mr. bob schieffer. [cheers and applause] please, have a seat. thank you for joining us. >> well, he did not. >> jon: well, he did not. why is it that -- [ laughter ] do you record -- can you go there and record the supreme court? you can get awed yes recording you are just not aplowed to film it? >> yes. >> jon: who makes that decision? the supreme court are they the ones that would curtail the first amendment? >> yes. >> jon: freedom of the press is that the issue there? >> they seem if be the -- to be the one. >> jon: how many inaugurations have been been to? >> 13 lyndon johnson 1964 was my first. i came with my mom.
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this is before i worked at cbs and then my first one as a reporter was 1968 with richard nixon. >> jon: oh, that was an exciting one. >> yeah. >> jon: that was all the counter culture. >> i was actually sent down abby hoffman. >> jon: sure. >> they decided they would inaugurate a pig while he was inaugurated. they d. that was my assignment. i went down there. [ laughter ] >> jon: wait -- >> it was raining. >> jon: i just want everybody to catch up to this for a second. >> yes. >> jon: so you went there as a all righter and they said, bob, we have an assignment for you. >> first assignment in washington. >> jon: there's this pig -- [ laughter ] -- and then -- >> the pig got out. they got the pig out and it was raining and we chased the pig around. [ laughter ] and i called my mother that night and she said it must have
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been so wonderful. tell me about the dresses the ladies we are at the inaugural. i said mom, i'm out here chasing a pig in the rain. i didn't get indoors. you have to start somewhere. i always loved animal stories. [ laughter ] >> jon: did you catch the pig? >> they caught it, yeah. >> jon: would you think that the pig's security detail would be catching up on that. [ laughter ] right now, other than that the big conversation in the country two of them, i guess, fiscal cliff and the gun situation. i've noticed the one thing that seems missing from the gun argument, there's a lot of emotion, but you don't hear an all of lot from law enforcement, people that talk about the ways they do prevent or top this type of violence. do you know that as well. seems explosive but not pragmatic. >> you talk to police chiefs
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they do favor, especially handguns and things like that. >> jon: are they not allowed to come on news programs. like in the military in uniform you can't go on and express the opinion of the organization you belong to? >> no, we've had them on in the past. we're not hearing from them right now. this is such an issue. >> jon: you are not hearing about logistics. you are hearing about guns are a right that people have. hitler took away people's guns. i heard -- there was a guy on who said, if the jews had had been arms, maybe the hol cost wouldn't have happened. that kind of thing. why do these people get to be on tv? [ laughter ] do you know? >> he did not -- or what was it? i think it's a very good question. i think we -- if we're not going
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to do something now. if killing little children in kindergarten is not enough to say we've got to do something, we've got to get serious. the question i have is where do you start where do you go? >> jon: that's a different animal than the types of gun violence in new york city organize chicago or detroit. and there must be, i would think, law enforcement voices who could speak out on what makes their job easier or what makes their ability to stop effective. what is the he have casecy of these things -- efficacy of these things? >> i think you're right. it comes to the people turning it around that saying they are going to try to take the guy's gun who goes hunt organize lives in the country. that's not what it's about. it's about keeping these weapons with the tremendous killing power out of hands of deranged
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people. that does not seem to be all that radical an idea. people keep rat poisoning in the house to kill rodents but they keep it on the top shelf. they don't keep it where the children can get it. >> jon: i have to make a phonecall. [ laughter ] is there discussion in the news room, do people say, you know so much of the conversation is about what are the political ramifications of this? will he be able to get that through? will people call in tyranny and threaten? it seems the mechanics of addressing these issues. is that a concern in the newsroom. >> we wonder how can we cover this? how can we tell this story? i can't remember -- i think the
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president said it was the worst day of his presidency when they told him about this. these are not stories people like to cover. and we're trying to think how can we cover this? how can we be fair and help people to understand what the issues are? not the issues as they are told about it interest groups. >> jon: and advocates. i imagine that that skews the discussion and they are the easier people to book. and i think that kind of conflict probably does well ratingswise, i would think. >> i don't know about that. >> jon: you are a bit of a bomb thrower out there. i see your show. [ laughter ] when you is saw david gregory have the high capacity magazine clip? we thought about, that's it i'm coming in in a tank. i'll show this guy. >> we thought about a bazooka. >> jon: we appreciate you being there.
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