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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 8, 2013 11:30pm-12:00am PDT

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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen
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>> congressional scrutiny over his get-away wi ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: whoo! whoo! thank you so much. hello. hello, thank you. thank you so much. please, please take your seats. please, please sit down. [ laughter ] wow, you sat down fast. [ laughter ]
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ladies andladies and gentlemen,f course, stephen colbert. if you don't know who that is, congratulations on waking up from your eight-year coma. [ laughter ] let me get you up to speed for some of the things you might have missed. first of all the economy is terrible. la of laugh all human thought has now been limited to 140 characters. [ laughter ] and most importantly nevil longbottom now looks like this. [cheers and applause] i think we can all agree that that is a real message of hope. [ laughter ] now, another big change is that thanks to ted talks -- [cheers and applause] -- all the real smarty people with the cutting edge ideas are now legally required to use a headset microphone when changing
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the world with thought. why? well, observe how it frees up my hands. [ laughter ] so i can communicate how together we can reframe the issues and shift the paradigm so that we can pull ourselves -- [laughter] -- [cheers and applause] into a brighter tomorrow. [ laughter ] and today, here, at the clinton global initiative i'm proud to announce the birth of a brand new cgi, the colbert galactic initiative. thank you. very excited. you are the first to know. don't get me wrong global is good. it's cute, baby steps. i'm just thinking a little bit
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bigger. i assume many of you here in this room are here for the clinton global universeity. cgiu is a place where young people like us can present -- [laughter] it's fun to be young like us, isn't it? company present bold and fresh ideas. i for one salute your commitment. you are here developing theories that will one day solve the world's problems while your classmates are on spring break developing theories as to why they woke up in a hot tub next to someone wearing nothing but a horse mask. but just praising you is not the only reason i'm here. no. in just a moment you'll witness
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a meeting of two global leaders. [ laughter ] one a statesman who changed the world cliticly and cultural, the other bill clinton. [ laughter ] i for one am awed by the greatness about to appear on stage and i am half of it. [ laughter ] as you can see from this chart technically i am 51% of the greatness. but enough talk it's time for conversation. ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming the man responsible for the last government surplus, the most beloved living president other than martin sheen and my future close personal friend, president william jefferson, billy jeff clinton. [cheers and applause] ♪
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♪ don't stop thinking about tomorrow ♪ thank you, sir. [cheers and applause] ♪ yesterday's gone ♪ yesterday's gone >> thank you. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jon: i had to give them another taste of me. they deserve it. mr. president, welcome to the colbert galactic initiative on its inaugural night. this vealy impressive. >> stephen: thank you. we put it together quickly. >> one of the things on my bucket list i just added something, climbing kilimanjaro before the snows melt, riding a horse across the gobi desert and now i want to go into outer space on one of your spaceships. >> stephen: if you'll provide
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the funding i'll find somebody to build it. >> that's what everybody tell ms. he. [ laughter ] >> stephen: william jefferson clinton may i call you billy jeff. >> once the president leaves office, you can call him anything you like. >> stephen: really. i'm honored. [laughter] before we start a couple of ground rules, all right? >> yes. >> stephen: i'm here in this venue at washington university we're broadcasting right now on the colbert report. are you familiar with that program? >> i am. >> stephen: this is not charlie rose, buddy. i'm going to bring it hot. i'm going to bring it hard with a side of truth. here are the rules. if you start filibustering, i will cut you off. [ laughter ] because we all know i could ask you how you are doing and 15 minutes later you are talking about microloans to sumatra. second. we're miles away politcally from each other. so, if i find myself agreeing
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with you because of the famed clinton charisma, i will continue the interview staring into a hand mirror. [ laughter ] because you are the medusa of political persuasiveness. do you understand? >> i do. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: all right. so we're all set. thank you for joining me. >> i'm glad to be here and glad to be with you and your mirror. >> stephen: thank you. [laughter] sir, the clinton global initiative gets so much done but my first question for you is why help other people? [laughter] weighs in it for you? >> i want to leave my daughter and grandchildren i hope to have and all these young people a
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better world. i think the reason you should do things for other people at bottom is selfish. there's no real difference between sellish and selfless if you understand how the world works. we're tied together. >> stephen: there's no difference between selfish and selfless? >> not if you understand how the world works. we live in an interdependent world. suppose you are in america and worried about growth to the american economy. we're 4% of the world's population. we have 20% of income. the more you reduce poverty overseas, the more you increase edition and improve health care and empower women and girls, the more there's growth overseas, there's global growth and the better off americans will be. if every time you cut off somebody else's opportunities you shrink your own. >> stephen: why global initiative? why not call it the clinton america initiative.
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shouldn't we fix everything here first? u.s.a. number one first. that's the first line of constitution. [ laughter ] >> we should be fixing america and it should be the economic priority but you can't stop the world, get off and get on when you get good and ready. other people's lives are unfolding and fixing america in part depends upon having a more receptive world to improve in, one that makes our growth more relevant and more effective. it doesn't cost a lot of money. we give a smaller percentage of our income in foreign assistance, the u.s. government does, than any other major country in the world. >> stephen: but this is one of the cutoffs i'm going to do here. [ laughter ] but the assistance we give is better assistance because it's america doing it. why do we have to match the rest of the world? who wants help from sweden? >> first of all, i'm not sure it is better. >> stephen: you just said america's assistance is not
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better than other countries. you are saying help from belgium is as good as help from the united states. >> i didn't say that. [ laughter ] i said that there are a lot of other countries who also do assistance very well and some of them do it by giving a higher percentage of their dollars or their equivalent currency in the country than we do. >> stephen: at the core of the question is why do you it. you spent eight years as president of united states. you've already had a big job but since you left you started the clinton foundation, global initiative, clinton health access initiative, clinton economic opportunity initiative, climate initiative and more i can't fit here. aren't you -- [cheers and applause] go ahead. [cheers and applause] why aren't you exhausted? i'm 20 years younger than you are and i'm out of breath from
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listing what you do. >> well, when you get older you have more time to work. [ laughter ] >> stephen: that sounds like a jedi mind trick. what did you just say? >> you have three kids, right? >> stephen: i have three children, yes. >> when they are all out of college you'll have more time to work. >> stephen: oh, i guess so, yeah. i work pretty hard now though. are you saying you work harder now than you were president of the united states? if so, shouldn't you give us our money back? >> i don't think i work harder now but i work about as hard. >> stephen: mr. president, we have to take a break. can you stick around? >> i'll do it. hen: wephen: w[cheers and appla]
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>> stephen: quoal back, everybody. we're at the clinton global initiative university with the namesake president bill clinton. sir, there are things you can accomplish now that you were not able to accomplish when you were president of the united states? does the cgi give you a freedom you didn't have as president? >> well in some ways.
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that is when you are president you have more power but also subject toll daily events. that is sufficient to respond to what has happened. >> stephen: i know what daily events are. >> when you are out of office, since nobody is going to call you at 3:00 in the morning to deal with an emergency, you can just deal with something you choose and you can get into real debt. if i go, for example, i have these agricultural projects in rwanda and malawi and i can go out on remote country roads and see them, see how they are working, talk to the people who are effected by them. when i was president, i maybe got to do something like that once when i visited uganda and i talked to the president of uganda into going down a long path way to a school and village to seat aid programs. you don't do that as president. you have more time to dig into the details so you can have a bigger impact in a narrower field when you leave.
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that's important. >> stephen: now, the way you describe the things you do and the things you want to do and the way you want to improve the world, i sounds have good but i listen to a lot of right wing radio and i know there's nothing that you and mrs. clinton do that doesn't have an angle. you are always hungry for power. what is the grist here in helping people? what is the other thing, your secret plan here? because everyone would do it if it was just a good thing to do but they don't. you are not going to see me making the world a better place? is there something or just its own reward? >> it's totally selfish. >> stephen: is that selfish and selfless are the same thing? >> no, i do it because i'm good at it. i'm not good enough to play golf on the senior tour and do play my saxophone as much as i used to so i don't like to do it in
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public and i makes me happy. i do it because i think back to the life i've been given by the american people, i'd be kind of a slug if i didn't do it. should do it. [cheers and applause] -- i mean, i should do it. if you've had the life i've had and people have given you what they've given me, -- >> stephen: i'm agreeing with you and that's dangerous. [cheers and applause] >> i'm about to get you. you know, i think i'm just doing what i should do it and it makes me happy. >> stephen: how would you compare something like the cgi to other big groups that get together like davos ted talks or burning man? what is the difference between this and those other gatherings? >> the simple answer here is that here serve expected to make a commitment.
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at the cgi meeting which is cheaper than davos but less fun. you don't ski bump up or so many global c.e.o.s or fortune 500. >> stephen: does bono go to that one? >> he comes sometimes but he is a commitment maker and doer. everybody here has to make a commitment and keep it. when i started the cgi i had no earthly idea if it would succeed or fail. you are asking people to pay money at the opening of u.n. in new york city when the traffic is terrible to sit and talk with other ernest do gooders to use chelsea's phrase and promise to do something that will cost them more money or more time. and knowing if they don't keep their commitment they can't come back. it seems like a fool's errand. i turned out a fair number were willing to do something. >> stephen: have you done ted talks? >> i have and i like them. >> stephen: have you ever thought of having the clinton
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global initiative and ted talks team up to make bill and ted's correct initiative? [cheers and applause] think about it. >> that's a wonderful idea. >> stephen: we will be right back with bill clinton. stick around. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody.
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we're at the clinton global initiative university with the namesake president bill global. sir, let me ask you this, when you these people's age you were getting into politics. would you advise people at this age to get into politics now or would you advise them to get into ngos? >> first of all they are not all going to get into politics as candidates. but if they have an interest, i would advise them to do it. i feel very prif leblged to have -- privileged to have had the life i have and i think it's very important. i also believe that even if they get in ngo work they should be involved in election work. a big part of the last last, for example, was turned by people part of vast social networks that operated in the real world, too. this campaign was the highest point yet in our politics in america on the democratic side of using the social networks to
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activate people who worked door to door face to face with people. >> stephen: i understand that you don't use all of the internet. you don't e-mail, you don't facebook, you are not pinteresting. >> i do facebook. >> stephen: do you tweet? >> no, i think i'm insecure like it's -- you know, what if you tweet and nobody tweets back? what if you tweet and you have -- if you are -- there's nothing worse than a friendless tweeter. you are wandering around in cyberspace. i do a lot of -- i text with my family and with two my chief of staff on my cell phone. that's about it. you have to understand, when i became president there was no e-mail. then e-mail was largely interoffice. >> stephen: how did you communicate? >> telephone, snail mail. blah blah.
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what happened was. after i was president there were blizzards of e-mails within the administration, the congress subpoenaed them all and all these young people drunk with the power of new technology said the first things that came to their heads so some of these e-mails were mildly embarrassing. >> stephen: you do not presently tweet? sir, i took the liberty of opening you a twitter account. now, president clinton was taken, william jefferson clinton was taken. [ laughter ] but pres billy jeff was available. [cheers and applause] would you like to break into the 21st century right now and send your first tweet? [cheers and applause]
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>> you'll type it? >> stephen: i'll type it. 140 characters or less. >> just spent. >> stephen: just spent. >> amazing time with colbert. [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: sound good? >> question -- is he sane? [laughter] >> stephen: is he sane? >> he is cool. >> stephen: can i put an exclamation mark at the end after this, sir. >> i haven't used 140, you can. >> stephen: anything else? >> no, no, i'm done. >> stephen: just spent an amazing time with colbert. he is sane? he is cool. #cgi.
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exactly. tweet. sir, welcome to the future. [cheers and applause] thank you president william jefferson clinton. [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] éxéxéxéx
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