Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 15, 2013 7:30pm-8:01pm PDT

7:30 pm
>> what? >> jon: you're doing a phenomenal job. (cheers and applause) >> stop it. i don't watch it all the time because it's too weird, it's like watching someone have sex with your wife' wife's-- desk. >> you have a beautiful desk. your des something beautiful. >> jon: but i miss you guys like crazy cakes. i love you guys. i can't wait to see you. this has been exciting and invigorating but weird as hell. and i just wanted to check in and tell you i was thinking about you guys. and you are doing great. >> we have not changed much, you should know that, here. nothing much changed here. >> jon: good. >> the only key things is we play government ball against the mets every monday and bruce springsteen comes to play every tuesday night. >> jon: what! >> and then-- . >> jon: that's my favorite musician. >> we didn't think they would be things that you would enjoy.
7:31 pm
that's all. they didn't seem like your kind of thing. >> jon: i want to come home! (cheers and applause) >> we miss you! we love you, jon stewart, ladies and gentlemen. jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> but we start tonight with the supreme court, landmark rulings yesterday, striking down part of the defense of marriage act and prop 8 in california. a huge day! a huge day for civil rights (cheers and applause) >> and all of this is the subject of tonight's special report. >> yes, yesterday america took a giant bold leap into the present. and it was a 5-4 decision
7:32 pm
with one judge in particular making the difference. >> the importance of anthony kennedy cannot be overstated. >> there have only been three gay rights, major gay rights decisions in the history of the supreme court. >> all three of those cases were written by anthony kennedy. he will go down in history as in essence the father of constitutional gay rights. >> yeah, and the good kind of father of something gay. not the kind of father who insists you throw a football with him and it would never come to a single one of your show choir performances. you might not think it's important, dad, but it's important to me! of course-- of course. not every one was happy with this decision. but someone was exactly as unhappy with it as you would imagine. scalia. the justice whose name most resembles a g.i. joe villean. >> he said the court a opinion talking about the
7:33 pm
one striking down doma springs from the same diseased root and exalted notion of the role of this court in american democratic society. >> he called it legallistic argle fargel? >> whoa, whoa, argle fargel is a little har be, isn't it? or is it? i done know what that means. these supreme court scholars are going to have a tough time interpreting that in the future. it could mean it's angry t could mean he's choking on a pen top. it could mean he was scuba diving at the time and trying to communicate via sonar. argle fargel. (cheers and applause) but look, look, justice scalia is far from alone in his disappointment for the ruling. yesterday more than a dozen members of the republican study committee got together in front of less than a dozen members of the press
7:34 pm
to share their feelings. >> the supreme court want to its dictate to the american people what elected legislators can do regarding federal law. >> and now we have an effective oligarchee of five without decide what the most fundamental issues of our day. >> it's a sad day when unelected judges change the definition of marriage and turn their backs on the will of voters. >> yeah, but here's the thing about that. if we did everything american votesers wanted, we would long ago have replaced our clean water supply with mountain dew and red bull. ed whole-- the whole point of the supreme court is to keep us in check. sometimes we as a nation make bad decisions. and the court has to come in and say sorry, buddy, give us your keys, you're really going regret segregating schools tomorrow morning. there is a reason that lady justice is blindfolded holding scales and not giving a wink and a thumbs up. (laughter) >> that's the point of the supreme court. but look, i find it hard to
7:35 pm
believe that this is just strictly an intellectual argument. it seems like this anger at the supreme court might be coming from somewhere else. >> the supreme court though they may think so, have not yet arisen to the level of god. >> they were not aware that the most wise man in history soloman said there's nothing new under the sun. >> now, now, now, let's be fair, hold on. salomon did say that, in fact, he might have said it to one of his 700 wives or one of his 300 concubines but i'm sorry you were clearly warming up to something. >> what we now have today is a holy quintet without goes against the laws of nature and nature's guide. >> really? if your brain can't process god's creatures enjoying different kinds of sex, you don't want to bring nature into this.
7:36 pm
because nature is where dogs hump each other in the face, in the face, that's nature that is all natural, my friend. just as god intended. whoa, whoa! (applause) >> whoa, whoa, whoa. look, look, look, look. let's try and elevate this decade-- decade-- debate, enough with you cannot unsee what you just saw. let's elevate this debate. enough from the house mbs. let's hear from a united states senator. >> i think this is a conundrum. >> if we have no laws on this people take it to one extension further, does it have to be humans. >> what is it-- what is it with these people and animals? every time, this is the only issue as well where you go there, it's not like you go there with o bam arcare, oh, thank you, mr. president, what is next, are we going to give health care to turtles? it's only when you're talking about sex that you are definitely not perverted
7:37 pm
brains go straight to animals. look, look, senator, it seems like this is a personal fight for you. perhaps and i'm just guessing, you're in a relationship with animal and you fear that this court ruling is pushing you in a direction where you will be pressured to get married. but relax. you don't need a piece of paper to define your love. )bb0f[p"p"4dpñ
7:38 pm
7:39 pm
7:40 pm
>> welcome back. the president is in africa at the moment because what better place to celebrate a landmark gay rights ruling. but he couldn't escape questions about nsa leaker edward snowden. >> mr. president, will you use u.s. pill tear assets to in any way intercept mr. snowden to at some point in the future leave russia
7:41 pm
to try to find safe passage in another country? >> no, i'm to the go scrambling jets to get a 29-year-old hacker. >> and why would you? 29 is pathetically old for a hacker. it's like a 50-year-old quarterback. it's just sad. now a 15-year-old hacker, that would be worth breaking out a drone or two for. those scrofy little [bleep] can shut down the country with a flip phone and a paper clip. (applause) >> they're dangerous. okay. so we're to the going to scramble jets to get him but out of interest, where is snowden right now? >> russian president vladimir putin confirmed for the first time that snowden is in a moscow airport. and he said snowden is still in this transit area and hasn't gone through immigration so he is technically not in russia. >> please. technically not in russia. he did -- he's at the pos
7:42 pm
you could [bleep] airport. he couldn't be more in russia if he was in a square standing in some nesting dolls. so-- he-- (applause) so he's stuck in an airport unable to leave, forced to live there for an undetermined amount 6 time. but you know what? this reminded me of that tom hanks movie, you know, where he's traveling and things end up going wrong, yes, that's it, castaway, except instead of being stranded in an island he is stranded in an airport. no it's not that one. that other tom hanks movie, that's right, way, except of instead of being stranded in a little boy's body he is stranded in an airport, no, that's not it either. it's actually, it's that other tom hanks movie, yes, that's it, that's it. except instead of having aids he's stranded in an airport, that's the one. the aids one this that is the one i was thinking of. that was going to keep me up all night. now good luck finding a
7:43 pm
stupid a joke on television tonight than the one you just heard. good luck. good luck with that. good luck. i lay down the challenge. that's a stupid joke. now look, you probably are thinking, or we can just ask a pudin to hand him over to us. well, funny story. he's refusing to. but actually he has a very good reason. >> putin dismissed the importance of the entire snowden case saying it's like sheering a pig, lots of screams but little wool. (laughter) >> normally i would say that's an extremely strange analogy but there is something about vladimir putin that tells me that he has sheered a lot of pigs in his lifetime for the sole purpose of hearing them scream. the bottom line is-- the bottom line is, whether or not we get our hands on edward snowden any time soon has no bearing on the fact
7:44 pm
that he is currently screwed. he's in a foreign airport, waiting on a flight that may or may not even exist. as ironic punishments go, that is almost twilight zone level. so enjoy your meals of justy-free vodka and toblerones, mr. snowden, because you have checked into the russian equivalent of the hotel california. oh, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. we'll be right back. (applause)
7:45 pm
7:46 pm
>> welcome back. my guest tonight is the publisher of the fantastic scotus blotion, please welcome back to the show tom goldstein. (applause) wferning. >> wow. >> thank you sooch for
7:47 pm
having me back on what is still the best show on television. >> whoa, whoa, whoa. reading between the line there, still despite the fact it's in the hands of an impostor. thank you so much for being here. you must be tired. you've had quite a week. >> you know, they have been striking thins down and upholding them like it's going out of business. this has been a great -- >> and it is very much not going out of business. >> one of my favorite little details yesterday was you have a scotus blog has a twitter account as well. and we were watching people tweet at you thinking you were actually the supreme court. you've destroyed the country, hashtag fail. >> i had no idea how smart people are. it's unbelievable. supergeniuses out there that are con fins-- convinced. >> we all saw those moments where the interns are running out, physically, with pieces of paper if your hands and you think that's crazy, it's on the internet. but it's not. >> no, the supreme court is making its way not 19th
7:48 pm
century it has a web site now,. >> technically and morally -- >> they have discovered the internet. their sites have a web site, it's on a little bit of a tape delay. >> so as they're running out with those physical pieces of paper they're still talking. >> the justices are upstairs in the courtroom explaining what it is they've done. and justice scalia is about to go off explaining why it is the end of the world. and they hand out the opinion downstairs and it gets run out to the tv camera. >> let's talk a little bit about justice scalia going off as you politely put it. he did go off. and he does like to go off. he talked about the diseased root of this terrible decision. and how the rest of the justices basically did not understand how the supreme court was supposed to work. how did that go down when you are sitting next to him going, hey! it must be weird for the other justiceses. >> are they used to him being cantankerous. >> each of them has their
7:49 pm
own personality and can say anything they want it is an amazing thing, a great or horrible thing about life tenure. it is your word and you get to explain what it is you think the law should bement and dow sit there, and justice scalia can look across the bench and say you are a moral abomination or your decision is probably how he would explain it. and you can say the same thing back, so -- >> that is true. that is true. now there was some interesting analysis today of the prop 8 decision which some people are saying could be argued just to apply to those two couples it question and have no broader significance in california. what? >> okay. so proposition 8 says that california won't recognize same-sex marriage. a couple of couples sued the trial judge and said there is a constitutional right to same-sex marriage. then 2 goes up to the court of appeals and the supreme court. and the supreme court says all of that was kind of a mistake. we didn't mean it. none of the defenders of proposition 8 ever had the right to be in urt could. so it's just left with those
7:50 pm
two couples. but the governor of california, the attorney general of cat call have said we never thought proposition 8 was constitutional. and so they are directing all the california officials to issue same-sex marriages starting in about a month. >> so-- (cheers and applause) >> but you're saying-- you're saying that technically at the moment it is that narrow that ruling. >> that's absolutely right. at this moment, because the court of appeals put everything on hold until the supreme court could decide the case, everybody is sitting going, if i day now. but there's this legal process. it keeps lawyers employed and that makes it a good thing. and we're just, you just need to wait for us and we'll get around to it. >> so it could be that we do civil rights on a case-by-case basis. so does that mean that brown versus board of education potentially only applied to brown? >> i think i know a certain southern lady-- who would be
7:51 pm
quite interested in it. >> she is what she is. she is what she is. the domo ruling in particular that is a momentus ruling in u.s. history. >> there are two ways of looking at the domo rule, which its own terms it said the federal government, the constitution requires it to recognize same-sex marriages. now the legal theory is that those marriages have equal footing. they deserve respect. and so there's a legal decision itself is important. but the moral message is much bigger. it is the majority of the supreme court which 25 years ago wrote a horrible decision disparaging gays has turned around and said we think you're actually human beings. (applause) >> but they had to make an argument for that. >> and it was close. >> and it was close. >> right. >> it was 5-4 you're human beings. >> yeah. (laughter) >> right, and so what this
7:52 pm
probably does is it doesn't create a constitutional right to same-solicitor-general marriage in any of the other stateses that don't recognize it but for the momentum in the states, for the people in state legislature saying look, what wes want is just equality, not special treatment this gives it an additional push. and the supreme court, people of the united states obviously care a lot about it. so it is a great moral message. >> and justice scalia saw this coming. because in the 20023 decision where all of a sudden sodomy was legal, in 2003, this 2003, the one that just want passed, he said oh, you know, what is in the wind, gay marriage. >> everyone laughed and said no, that's impossible. but it is amazing how far this country has come. >> it is unbelievable. i've never seen anything like it. >> one of the most incredible things was also that the normal see of the reaction to it, as well. >> exactly. >> you would have thought that out on the steps of the supreme court there would have been social conservatives going absolutely nuts. instead what there was was choirs singing, people hugging, people talking
7:53 pm
about will you marry me. and it was unbelievable how one-sided and how the rest of the country didn't regard thises alike aaahhh. >> because it's just fine. >> it turned out it worked out okay. >> it turns out it is okay. do you have time to stick around and go to the web. >> yes. >> scotus blog is fantastic. find it on the internet. tom goldstein. ?ç?çwóóooo?o?o??í?zmooçoço
7:54 pm
7:55 pm
7:56 pm
7:57 pm
>> that's our show. we're off for a two week summer break now. i cannot thank you enough for all your support while the real jon is away. we're losing someone on the show. we have a writer here called jason ross who has been with the show for 11 years. and he's going to move on to greener, different pastures. we wish him the best. he is one of the funniest people we know. if you liked that dog humping in the face joke this evening, that's what we're losing. (applause)
7:58 pm
>> thank you, jason. thanks all of you for your support, here it is, your moment of zen. >> bizarre love triangle moving a space shuttle accident. >> she drove from houston to orlando wearing diapers. >> but of all the news outlets it's safe to say that the story got the biggest play on this one. >> nothing much to report today. in fact, hold on captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh - the one who plays jamie is not english. - he's not? - i don't know what nationality he is, but he's definitely not english. - that's amazing. he's got the most amazing--dog! - whoa! - come on, max, no. bad dog, bad. i'm so sorry. i just rescued him from a shelter. [dog barking fiercely] he seems to get really aggressive towards people with darker-colored skin. i'm so sorry. - don't worry about it. - yeah, i guess you never know what they've been through
7:59 pm
before you get them. - yeah, we don't think that your dog's racist. [dramatic music] ♪ [all dogs barking] [dogs barking aggressively] [bell dings, crowd cheers] [soul music] [monitor beeping] ♪ [cheers and applause] - whoo! - thank you. - welcome! - thank you. - oh, my god.
8:00 pm
thank you so much for coming out. i am keegan-michael key. - i am jordan peele. - and we are key and peele. so thank you. thank you so much. [chuckles] um... that--that, uh-- just if you were wondering, that was a racist dog. - actual racist dog. - the dog was actually racist. - came to the set with its own [bleep] hood. - yes. - it was crazy. - he just--he slipped right into it. it was crazy. - no, it was-- - i wanted to say to that dog so bad, like, "you know you have brown spots on you? "you know that? you know that?" - it was weird. he came-- he was method, you know. he [bleep] pissed on my leg immediately. - yeah. - i'm telling you, the-- - he thought i was trying to steal his bone. yeah, it was-- - but it was-- that jack russell was actually the dog from the artist. - mm-hmm, that's right. - so he's the most famous racist dog-- he's the mel gibson of dogs, is who he was. - that's right. that's right. [laughter and applause] do you guys know dubstep music? [cheers and applause] yeah. so dubstep music is-- is it music?