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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  July 16, 2013 7:00pm-7:31pm PDT

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community. and on saturday... i know. people are excited. and on saturday, we got justice. >> we the jury find george zimmerman not guilty. >> folks, this is a victory for the rule of law. in that florida apparently no longer has rules or laws. now, the mainstream media, of course, the mainstream media out there was shocked but one man saw this coming. fox news legal correspondent and inventor of the lip-hoodie, geraldo rivera. >> it's a dark night. a 6'2 "hoodie-wearing stranger is in the immediate housing complex. how would the ladies of that jury have reacted? i submit that if they were armed, they would have shot and killed trayvon martin a lot sooner than george zimmerman did.
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>> stephen: great analysis, and it proves this was a fair trial. as the bill of rights clearly states, the accused shall be tried by a jury of people who would have done... who would have done the murder faster. but, folks, even though justice was served that did not stop some americans from rudely accepting it back to the kitchen, taking to the streets to protest so-called racial inequality. knock it off! because yes, america had racial inequality but by my latest calculations, it's evidently... it is now a tie. [ cheers and applause ] stick with me. stick with me. here's how it breaks down. obviously zimmerman's acquittal is seen as a point for white people.
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(ding). then again, o.j.'s acquittal was one for black people. (ding). obama, with two black points, one for each election (ding, ding). and whites lose one point for joe biden. (buzzer) of course for the previous 43 white presidents. [ cheers and applause ] for the previous 4 white presidents, white people accumulated one point. (ding) now, jazz clearly a point for african-americans. (ding). but white people get a point for smooth jazz. (ding) now, crucial. in the civil war, white people get one point for winning the fight to end slavery. (ding) and another point for losing the fight to keep
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slavery. (ding). [ cheers and applause ] evidently no points for black people in that one. odd time to sit things out. anyway, as you can see, as you can see, it's even now. okay? so we can just stop this whole racial thing here. white people, stop being so scared where of young black men. and young black men, stop being so scary. okay. take some personal responsibility for how white people feel around you. okay. lose the hoodies. wear something nonthreatening. you know what? start buying your clothes wherever martin lawrence and tyler perry shop. i mean, they look harmless. i mean, madea has only been to jail once. folks, if this trial proves
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anything -- and i'm not sure it does because the prosecution certainly couldn't -- it's that america... [ cheers and applause ] it's that america has no patience for transgressors. we punish them harshly, those who break our state or federal laws go to jail while those who break our moral laws go into new york city politics. [ cheers and applause ] recently, i found one man who poses our country's greatest threat. he is like al capone meets the unabomber stuffed inside voldemort and smothered in a creamy charles manson sauce. and tonight i do more than just bring him to justice. i bring him to basic cable. jim? >> america is a great nation. built on a foundation of sacred texts. but some people don't understand
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that. they demand we embrace their deviant lifestyle. >> are you saying it's perverted? it's not that way. it's something beyond your prejudiced point of view. >> this man wants to redefine traditional relationships. >> i'm lynn harrell, and i'm a concert cellist. >> and lynn harrell is one of the people destroying america. >> how dare you. for years, concert kreflist lynn harrell has flown the globe. on a plane like that one right there. that's a plane. >> london, paris, rome, new york, san francisco, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. >> and he's always joined by his life-time companion. >> mr. cello harrell. and lynn harrell demands his
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partner, mr. cello sit in a cabin seat. but one airline is fighting back. the most american airline, delta. >> delta airlines kicked me out of their sky miles program. >> tell them why, lynn. i have a cello. and they confiscated miles for my cello. and they punished me for having a cello. >> no, lynn, they punished you for opening a frequent flyer account for your cello. >> i deserved it. delta noticed he was doing this, reached out to him and told him that this was against the rules. he should not do it anymore and he did. >> gary left is "the" expert at frequent flyer miles. there are people who say i'm the expert at frequent flyer miles. >> people like this. as a scholar of sky miles, gary
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left believes in traditional membership. >> i think it's beyond inappropriate to set-a sky miles account in a cello's name because sky mile accounts are four human beings. >> so to get rid of harrell, delta did the only thing they could. no, but that is cool. >> my co's miles were confiscated. i was also confiscated of all lynn harrell miles myself because i'm the traveling companion. and i was never allowed to enroll in any kind of delta sky miles program in the future. >> and that's no laughing matter. tell them why, gary. >> they kicked him out of the program. he's no longer welcome. >> because sky miles are a sacred union between one human and one airline. try telling that to lynn
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harrell. >> i do not like that because i think of a concert cello of being like a fellow human being. i call it a name and i think it's alive and living and communicates about deep feelings. >> feelings he can't keep to himself. >> i fell in love with this large instrument. it's been the greatest gift that i've ever received. >> oh, and he gives as much as he receives. >> i just romanticize the relationship that i have with this box. the voice is there in the instrument waiting to be awakened. i rub my hands over the strings and suddenly it's alive. the cello has been my companion my entire life. >> yes, his only companion. if you don't count his wife ellen. once again gary left. >> delta told him it was against
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the rules. it was against the rules. i mean... and i mean... >> go ahead, gary. you got this. >> they told him it was against the rules. it was against the rules. >> got it. against the rules. and rules are meant to be followed. even if sometimes it's hard. and no one knows that better than gary. >> i start collecting miles in a serious way 16 years ago. over 20 years ago i was traveling a good bit even to australia. >> that's when he strayed from the program. >> i'm embarrassed to admit that i let my miles expire. >> but gary has come around and now he's in a committed relationship with delta sky miles. >> i'm passionate about it. i do it all the time.
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i love my miles. >> and that is love as delta intended, not lynn harrell's unnatural man-on-cello miles account. but no surprise lynn sees himself and his cello fellow has the victims. >> i just want delta and all the airlines to treat each and every individual equally not just have lip service to it. but we're still in the stages where there's drinking fountains for colored and there's drinking fountains for white only. sometimes i feel as though i'm a little voice in the forest trying out but nobody is listening. >> oh, we're listening, lynn. that's how we know that you are a person destroying america. we'll be right back.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. you know, folks, though i was on vacation one of the few stories i paid attention to over my break was the tragic crash landing of asiana flight 214 at san francisco international airport. three people were killed and everyone affected by this has my deepest sympathies. but i'll tell you who has none
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of my sympathy, the folks over at san francisco's news leader. >> we have just learned the names of the four pilots who were on board the flight. they are captain sum ting wong, wi tu low, ho lee fuk, and bang ding ow. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: well obviously that's a major fook-up. and anchor tory campbell quickly apologized. >> earlier in the newscast we gave some names of pilots involved in the asiana airlines crash. these names were not accurate despite an n.t.s.b. official in washington confirming them late this morning. >> stephen: the n.t.s.b. responded by saying that the official who confirmed it was a summer intern.
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dammit. timmy had two jobs: get coffee and confirm the names of pilots in airline disasters. folks, i don't care who confirmed these names. it is wrong i mean "we too low"? bang ding ow? this is a korean airline. those are chinese names. that's racist. okay. and if you're going to do a racist joke, at least get the ethnicity right. like captain park ma plen tu sun or ha yu lan dis tang well, understandably, understandably, folks, understandably, asiana airlines is pissed and announced today that it will sue k.t.v.u. for broadcasting the names
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saying they damaged the airline's reputation. yes, these joke names damaged asiana's sterling reputation as a world leader in almost landing planes. and i will tell you another thing. i will tell you another thing. k.t.v.u. may be blaming this on the n.t.s.b. for confirming the names but they still haven't explained who put those fake names into the script in the first place. i'll tell you who i blame. k.t.v.u. news director munchma quchi. we'll be right
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight as a book and a documentary called "dirty wars." about america's covert military operations. it's an honor to be the last person to see him alive. please welcome jeremy scahill. [ cheers and applause ] good to see you, sir. all right, sir, you are national security correspondent for the nation magazine. you're the author of "dirty wars" the world is a battlefield. you are also cowriter and producer of "dirty wars" the movie which blew up at sun dance this year. okay. you say we're in some declared some undeclared wars and that
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somehow is a bad thing. okay. the world is a dangerous place, sir. you know that. >> if what we were doing was killing legitimate terrorists. >> stephen: which we are. no question. stephen: thank you for joining us. okay. >> a lot of the actions though that are taking place around the world particularly in the undeclared wars but also in a secret war within afghanistan as concealed by the bigger war, we're doing night raids, we're killing a tremendous number of innocent civilians. >> stephen: what do you mean? i haven't heard much about that. >> i was on the ground in yemen, afghanistan and somalia and i went to villages where one of the first strikes president obama authorized in yemen killed 46 people. 14 women and 21 children. who was the target in that accident in the white house has not provided any information. we say if you're a military age male in a certain region of this country we're going to kill you and later say you were a
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terrorist without ever providing any information that you were actually involved. >> they had information on these people. they just can't tell us. >> that's not true. stephen: how do you know that? they're telling us that they have it. wait. they say that they have it. but them can't tell us because then the enemy will know the means by which they got that information. >> so you have an undying faith in the obama administration's ability to tell the truth on these issues? >> stephen: no, no. i believe in our troops. >> this isn't about a troops. stephen: it is is about the troops. >> this is about analysts sitting in trailer in the southwest of the united states operating drones that are bombing pakistan and yemen. >> stephen: are you saying that an unmanned drone is not a troop? is that what you're saying. >> they tried to make a medal for drone pilots and it was rescinded by the defense secretary. the troops disagree with your position that a drone is a troof. >> stephen: i guess i support more of the troops than the dros
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do. okay. wait a second here. so what is your answer? we find out that there is somebody in yemen we think is doing... planning something nasty for us. possible hostile intent. what do we do again? what are we supposed to do? let's hear it. >> first of all we can indict them and demand their extradition. >> stephen: like a court. that used to be how we did it. >> stephen: they're planning over there. >> osama bin laden was indicted. stephen: with a bullet in his eye. that's how he was indicted. can we do that? are you okay with the bin laden thing. >> the standard should be if someone is posing an imminent threat. >> stephen: they are! capture is not feasible. what you're defending, stephen, is this grotesque form of pre-crime that you represent an imminent threat to the national security of the united states. >> stephen: let's role play. a guy named, let's call it abdul. he's in yemen. he's not from there.
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we've seen him meet with somebody before. he's saying bad things about the united states. he's encouraging people to attack us even if he's not coming himself. what's... we indict him and then what happens? >> wait a minute. you're saying that someone is saying bad things about the united states. he was an american citizen. >> stephen: was. now he's a vapor trial. >> president obama searched as judge, jury and executioner. >> stephen: you left out commander in chief. >> he's also the commander in chief. if you fast forward to the death penalty without an indictment. if an american citizen is going to be executed on orders of a president the government has a burden to show evidence against him. >> stephen: you don't know that he's not a threat. they say he's an i am net threat. >> only by edict. stephen: however you say it, i don't care what language you say it in, you just say it. >> it doesn't trouble you that the president of the united states is asserting the right to kill american citizens without any actual evidence for
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indicting them at all. >> stephen: i'm not on the list. how do you know. i mean, i watch this show. you could be on the list. >> stephen: is it hard to get on the list? >> that's part of the thing. they meet every tuesday in these terror tuesday meetings. >> stephen: really terror tuesday? do they serve talk owes? you get on the list and then can you get off the list. >> only from a drone strike it seems. >> stephen: thank you so much. for joining me. i have to catch a cab. jeremy scahill. the book is "dirty 
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[ cheers and applause ] >> ste
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from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] >> john: welcome to the dail show. welcome. i am john oliver. jon stewart jon stewart is still not here. most of you are probably aware he's currently on a rug springer and he eel be back some time at the start of october. he loves roller coasters. our guest tonight, the creator of "the newsroom," aaron sorkin is here. the prince, the king. it is so great to be ban with you from our two-week break. it was tough to be away, we were missog many fun things to cover, kate middleton about to give
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birth to the greatest baby in the history of civilization, born in the traditional manner, fighting their way out of her womb and cutting their own um bell d.l. cord with a sword only they could wield. last thursday brian kilmeade threw a basketball directly into a toddler's face. wow. that is the worst day that brian kilmeade has had since the time they let him hug a rabbit and he squeezed it too hard. and then on friday, a san francisco tv station got punked into reading these names as a korean flight crew. >> captain sum chi wong, wee too low, ho lee fu k