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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 16, 2013 11:00pm-11:31pm PDT

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my full name is? >> m. knight shyamalan. >> jeselnik: good night, kids. go read a book. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome to the daily show. i am john oliver. i am here, i am here tonight for jon stewart. jon stewart is not here because he has grown tired of watching you having sex during his show.
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that's right. this is a two-way screen. whereas for me i'm still learning things from you. but first, if you watchedded last night's show, you might have noticed my interview with aaron socker inlooked a little different as did the music at the end of the show. why did my little dance there just cause you to stop having sex? what happened was right before last night's interview began for the first time ever here, we lost all power to our cameras and the control room. now, my initial thought was that the city was having a blackout because, the past two days here in new york, it's been 100 ball-sweat degrees outside and everyone has had their air conditioners crankedded up to penguin house. it turned out that wasn't actually it. it was a complete mystery until
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we checked our in-house security cameras this morning. take a look. >> i hate you, oliver. you're not my real jon. there's only one jon who can host this show in my heart. this is for you, stewart. >> john: that makes sense. that actually makes sense. [ cheers and applause ] on to our top story. our top story for the night. remember last month, texas state senator wendy davis stood for ten hours in pink sneakers to protest her state's proposed abortion restrictions. very dramatic. very dramatic. very inspiring. [ cheers and applause ] of course, in the end it was for nothing since the law passed a few days ago, sweeping away her herculean effort like a tumble weed turned abandoned abortion clinic. but what it did do was focus everyone's attention on one of our democracy's quirkiest features, the philadelphia philt
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filibuster which at the federal level is more popular than ever. >> under president obama there have been 16 filibusters on his nominations of his own team, cabinet secretaries versus 20 in the entire history before. >> zero for eisenhower to ford. carter and reagan had two each on executive nominees. when you look at president obama, you made this point, 16 for his first term. 28 projectedded this term. >> john: wow. so nearly half of all executive nominee filibusters ever have been to block obama appointees. i've got to say when they told us that this was going to be an historic presidency, i don't think this was really what everyone had in mind. now, there are two reasons for this. one, congress' enate dickishness. you can't each that. two under opportunity rules all you need to do to filibuster is saying, "i'm going to filibuster." you don't have to stand there
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for 15 hours, hold your pee, read the phone book. it's like a golfer standing at a tee and turning to his caddy and saying i plan to hit a hole in one. why don't you just put me down for a one. if you need me, i'll be in bar high fiving. now this current ridiculous situation has proven a little too much for some people. >> senate democrats are preparing to change filibuster, invoking the so-called nuclear option. >> john: no, no, not the nuclear option. everybody, duck and cover. >> invoking the so much called nuclear option to change senate rules so that only a simple majority would be required to confirm nominees for federal agencies' cabinet appointments. >> john: hold on, hold on. so in this context, the nuclear option is just a simple change in parliamentary procedure. that is the world's worst jerry bruckheimer movie. hey, i've come here to chew
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bubble gum and to confirm sub cabinet level nominees. guess what? i'm all out of bubble gum. (laughing) did that look as uncool as it felt? but i'll tell you that it is a yes. if they're calling it a nuclear option, they must be taking this pretty seriously. senate leader harry reid, can you explain why this might be necessary perhaps with a brief analogy. >> davey johnson is a manager of the national mets, the team we're so happy to have here in washington. he's here as manager. now imagine the front office of major league baseball calling up davey johnson around the first of april and said, davey, i know that... i'll tell you what, you can play him as soon as the all star break is over.
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mr. president, what would happen that's exactly what republicans are saying to president obama. you can't have your team until we tell you everything is just fine. it's going to take us a long time for us to tell you that. >> john: you know, it used to be that when people wanted to delay an orgasm, they would think of baseball. but it turns out that you have a much better option. you can think about harry reid talking' baseball. ... talking about baseball. that won't just delay your orgasm, you will never have an orgasm ever again. it's the world's most boring man in the world's most boring place discussing the world's most boring sport. it's like an ambien stuffed inside a lunesta covered by a bottle of niquil. it's a snore-ducken, if you will. now, this is actually a dance as old as time because the majority party wants to get rid of the
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filibuster whereas the other party -- let's call them the minority -- fights them tooth and nail which means harry reid and the senior senators from kentucky are about to engage into an ultimate age fighting. >> this isn't a power grab. i don't know what a power grab looks like. >> no matter how often my friend rudely talks about me not breaking my word, i'm not going to respond talking about how many times he's broken his word. >> we don't pull back from the brink here, my friend the majority leader is going to be remembered as the worst leader of the senate ever. >> john: owe, the worst ever. mcconnell has reed on the ropes. finish him. >> senator mcconnell's campaign tweeted out this net owe of a tombstone with the line "if reed changes the rules to kill the filibuster, kill the senate will be on his tombstone." >> john: mcconnell wins.
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[ cheers and applause ] so with senators apparently ripping one another hearts out, it looks like the senate is going nuclear. i should probably get a few things off my chest myself. i had a gay experience in college. technically i was 31 but it happened at the college. what else? i don't like artichokes. that's embarrassing. and if anyone ever discovers the mutilated body of a vagrant. >> the senate has reached a deal to reach the so-called nuclear option. >> then i had absolutely nothing to do with it. seriously? how did the nuclear option get averted? >> a smaller group of senators like by mccain and sheumer have hammered this out. two of the president's nominees will be withdrawn. two new names offered and five others will go forward. >> john: so a routine bit of horse trading. all it took to get there was
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weeks of threats and hyperbolic rhetoric about ending the senate. i presume you people are all ashamed of yourselves. >> there's good news. what it reflects is not only respect for the senate rules but really an understanding that to get solutions, we've got to work in a bipartisan way. >> the first time we have seen in a long time senators of both political pears sit down and hammer out an agreement. >> john: i guess that is technically better. yes, we have come to reach next to nothing but we did it together. for more on this, we turn to senior congressional correspondent jason jones who is on the senate floor. jason, the filibuster has been preserved for now. so it seems we won't see the predicted dissent into gridlock and chaos then. >> gridlock and chaos. how would that be worse than the current situation? the senate dreams of the day things improve to a state of gridlock and chaos. >> john: is it really that bad there? >> john, john, do you know what all this stuff is?
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these are senate bills waiting to come up to the floor for a vote. look how old they are. look at this thing here. look at this. the fair slave pricing act of 1852. this one here. ban this new jazz craze bill. look at this one. a bill to grant the congressional medal of all around great guys to o.j. [bleep] simpson. if the senators were smart they would have gotten rid of the filibuster completely. >> john: not proposing to get rid of all filibusters just ones blocking non-lifetime executive appointments. >> that's trying to curb firearm violence by banning t-shirt guns. trying to put out a volcano by taking a piss in it. they should go back to the old school filibuster. >> john: when they had to talk for hours and hours without getting a bathroom break. >> like real men. like wendy davis.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> john: i honorly don't know if they can do that, jason. remember these are mostly old men. there is no way they can stand there for hours without leaving to get to a bathroom. >> reporter: yes, they can. we reporters, we do it all the time. >> john: whoa, whoa, jason, jason. how are you looping that? jason, why are you wearing that diaper? >> reporter: i can't have you throw to dead air because i'm in the bathroom draining the snake. the snake did drained anywhere. snake don't mind. snake's cool. >> john: please, please. stop referring to your penis as a snake. >> reporter: shhh. he can hear you. but the point is, if i can be out here in a diaper, why can't mitch mcconnell? snon because that seems beneath the dignity of the senate. >> reporter: you really think
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mitch mcconnell [bleep] into an adult-sized hugees is less dignified than the way the current is operating. >> john: you've actually got a point there )bb0f[p"p"4dpñ
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>> welcome back. i know that i am not alone and excitedly awaiting the most
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important event in world history. >> the suspected due date of the royal hare has come and gone here in london and still no baby just yet. >> john: no, no, no, no story. i refuse to wait any longer. we're kicking off our coverage. roll it. okay. okay. so, okay. i guess the key question now is where is my [bleep] baby? >> someone else at the palace said it could be next week, next tuesday. >> by the end of the week he or she will be born. >> john: you're right. we should not be rushing this. it takes nine months just to make a common baby. a royal infant needs to steep for a year, maybe two, maturing like a fine claret before
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sauntering out of the womb in formal dress and saying i'm sorry, were you waiting for me? i must be fashionably late. you know, i'm excited just covering the birth from here. i can only imagine the thrill of reporting it live from london. >> the country is doing what william and kate are doing. frankly what we're doing is waiting. >> god only knows how long you'll be standing outside that hospital. we hope it's not too long. >> please, willie, don't jinx me. my fingers are crossed. >> the sun is getting to us a bit, carol. i have to tell you, we need this baby to come sooner rather than later. let's just say that. >> john: i'm sorry. for you it's such hard work standing around waiting for someone else to push a nine-pound human out of her golden vagina. how can you be so jaded about this? it's not just a royal birth that's exciting. it's how it's announced. >> a birth notice will be
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written at the hospital. the notice will be driven by a police escort from the lindo wing at st. mary's hospital to buckingham palace. and then two simultaneous but separate gun salutes. and 62-round salute at the tower of london. >> john: that's right. cannons, mother [bleep]. how about that. cannons. let me ask you. at best she got nick can none, than that is is not as good. now, normally when we british public get worked up, we riot. but this is a much more dignified occasion. >> i just think it's exciting. t will be exciting to see how the queen reacts. >> reason enough for the expectant public to look its best. >> john: it's respectful. isn't it? i can't meet a royal baby with peach fuzz.
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what if he wants to touch me face? look, look, look, your royal highness, those others might be getting bored waiting but i can do this all day. i am not leaving this desk until you have that baby. i am in this for the long haul. your move, princess. we'll be rightack. back. t @ 1c@fn $
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>> john: welcome back. my guest tonight an academy award wifning actress whose new film is red 2. >> i have just been given a contract to kill you. apparently you're guilty of nuclear terrorism and murder and you're number one on interpoll's most wanted. >> what did you say? i said if i don't somebody else will. >> it's bad. isn't it? >> send him my love, will you? you're driving me crazy. he gave her a gun. >> was it loaded? yes. are you being control something. >> no. you have to take chances in a relationship. you have to be supportive. >> john: it's the most classy way to dispose of a body.
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please welcome back to the show the great dame helen miiren. [ cheers and applause ] >> i think you should conduct the whole interview on your knees actually. >> john: i've not actually met a dame before. so as a british peasant, am i supposed to courtesy or just automatically give you my income? >> no, no,. john: how does it work. i'm probably more peasant than you are. >> i went to normal school. they call it something different. >> they don't call it private school. >> they think we all went. it doesn't matter. >> you know, i'm not, believe it or not, i'm actually a member of
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the royal family. >> you damed up. i did dame up. i did. i was very honored to dame up. i think that was partly because i'm the daughter of an immigrant. i think that, you know, immigrants to countries, you know, we get especially kind of honored and excited about being recognized. >> people can't believe that we've left and done anything. whenever i go home all my friends... they always say, all right, hollywood. how is brad pit? i guess if your friends do that, that's actually a valid question. >> i'm sure you've met... haven't you met brad? >> john: do you know he was a guest here. i did meet him. and he smelled unbelievable. unbelievable. >> the other thing about movie stars like brad pitt, they look perfectly ordinary when you look at them except it's brad pitt. oh, my god, it's brad pitt. if you ignore that from the neck
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down they look kind of ordinary. they have a t-shirt on or a jacket or something. but if you get to touch them, they feel completely different. because, you know, their clothes are made of such incredible fabric. so an ordinary jacket you touch and you realize it's like the most expensive cashmere you've ever touched in your life. i always try and touch movie stars. [ cheers and applause ] snon i don't know what that is. but that animal is extinct now. red 2 is out this week. >> it is. john: quite a move going toe to toe with the release of the new royal baby. >> yes. but maybe more laughs in our movie. i don't know. >> it is really enjoyable. the first one was famous for having a car spinning around in it. >> that's right. i think there's three car
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spins. >> classic studio in hollywood, isn't it? a three-car spin, three times the money. >> i'm in one of those car spins. it was great shooting it because you don't do that in real life. surprise, surprise. you're in the studio and the car is literally on a thing that goes round and round and round until you feel completely sick but it was fun. >> john: what is it like meeting the queen? >> well, i mean, i have met the queen. >> when you got damed. i got damed by charles. that doesn't count then. but anyway, it wasn't the queen but i had met the queen on other occasions but not... not in an intimate situation particularly. having a cup of tea, not like that. >> the first time did it feel
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strange? you are the lady from... >> absolutely. oh, but it is like meeting movie stars. you can't get over the fact that there's that incredibly famous face looking at you. it's so hard. i call it queenitis. you get queenitis. first of all, you start talking like this. i don't understand why. i don't talk like that. >> it's how you're supposed to sound. >> you start saying terribly. it's such fun. why am i talking like that? you keep saying shut up. just be normal. be normal. it's impossible. >> red 2 will be in the theaters on friday. it such fun. it is such fun. dame helen m
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