tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central July 17, 2013 11:00pm-11:31pm PDT
dope. (gasps) fry did it?! ow! you're a horrible person! and your carelessness nearly cost the life of my best friend. (whispers): you. (grunts) (slap) fry: ow! (slap) bender: ow! (slapping) ow! (grunts) captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> john: welcome to "the daily show." i am john oliver. jon stewart, i'm afraid, still not here.
he is currently waiting to emerge from kate middleton's vagina. push, princess, push! our guest tonight, author of the new look "zealot" about the life of jesus, the fantastic reza alsan is with us. [cheering and applause] >> john: yes, indeed, yes, indeed. friend of the show. but we start tonight in new york city, where it is so hot and this is a true story, that on my way to work this morning, i saw a squirrel stab a pigeon over a piece of ice. [laughter] it is so hot here, you can cook an egg on the sidewalk, assuming that you like your eggs over hepatitis. [laughter] seriously, it is unbelievably [bleeped] hot here. now, to take our minds off the heat, we have a very exciting election looming in the city, and this is why tonight we're going to start off our special campaign coverage. ♪ ♪ yes, oh yes.
[applause] that's the big question. who will be the next new york city comptroller? i'm actually being told that it's pronounced "controller." i'm now being told that that's matter of some linguistic dispute. [laughter] i'm now being told that absolutely nobody cares how it's pronounced because it's the most boring job on the planet. now, a week ago it was all but certain that the position would be filled by manhattan borough president scott somebody or other. nobody knows. it doesn't matter. and a week ago it was also all but certain that there was no way that we would be covering this race on this show, but then this happened. >> the former new york democratic governor eliot spitzer is trying for a comeback. he launched a petition campaign today in a bid to become new york city's comptroller. >> john: that's right, eliot spitzer is running for office again, and i've got to say, that is a bold move for man still
living down the hideous, embarrassing, career-killing incident where he and a... i don't even know how to say this. you must remember, he co-hosted a cnn show with kathleen parker. [laughter] the shame he put his family through. oh, and of course there was also that thing when he banged a bunch of prostitutes with his socks on. it's because of that last little sexual snafu that spitzer kicked off his campaign by going on jay leno for his official hugh grant memorial prostitute apology tour. >> how did you make this big a blunder? >> big a blundzer? that's a very nice way of putting it. but i don't think blupsder is the right word. there it's not like spitzer accidentally tripped and fell dong first into a prostitute on at least eight separate occasions, but spitzer made it clear that he would rather focus on what he did right. >> my name came up in a federal investigation about people who had been seeing clients of a
prostitution ring, and when this became evident, i immediately resigned. i said, look, my career as attorney general was predicated on the notion of the things i'd done with wall street and elsewhere, accountability. and i said, that is a standard and something i believe in. >> john: yes, true, that really does illustrate perfectly how important accountability is to eliot spitzer, because he resigned the moment he got caught. [laughter] as soon as he realized that other people had realized he was doing something wrong, he accepted the consequences. and he fell on his sword, eight times into prostitutes. [laughter] now, spitzer's... look, clearly spitzer has got his work cut out for him here. but maybe he'll be okay as long as his opponents are willing to focus on the issues rather than on his past mistakes. >> and get this, spitzer is challenged for the post by libertarian kristin davis, who says she was the madam who
supplied him with escorts. >> oh, boy. really? he's running? i will say, she really is the classic archetypal sexy libertarian. takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair and won't pay her taxes, oh, yeah! incidentally, it shows just how strange this campaign is that in the race to decide who would be best suited to make financial decisions for new york city, the serious candidate is the guy who spent $4,000 for one session with a hooker rather than the woman who figured out that he would pay it. wait, hold on, hold on, wait a second. serious candidate? new york city? why is this reminding me of something? >> if spitzer makes september's primary, he'll be on the ballot with former democratic congressman anthony weiner, who is also trying to make a comeback from a sex scandal. he's running for the mayor of new york.
>> john: that's it! anthony weiner. i remember him. wasn't he the human being attached to that penis that we all saw pictures of? yeah, i remember him now. the man whose name is so perfect for the scandal he was caught up in, it recinsdled my faith in god. [laughter] this was man who literally [bleeped] blocked his own career, and he's running for mayor, and unlike eliot spitzer, he's... [laughter] yes. unlike... yes. [cheering and applause] i'm guessing, knowing the internet, those will be available for sale tomorrow. [laughter] unlike eliot spitzer, he's doing it the more traditional big apple way: greeting new yorkers at the israel day parade and also at the gay pride parade where he received an enthusiastic reception. >> weiner, weiner, weiner! [laughter] >> john: what he didn't know was that none of those men
chanting "weiner" were actually aware that he was marching. and by the way, congressman, maybe tone down the pandering just a little bit. that flag is so big it looks like he's about to plant it on the gay moon. [laughter] the point is, it will undeniably be entertaining to have weiner and spitzer running for office again giving their past, though, it's hard to imagine either of them actually winning. >> anthony weiner is steadily increasing his lead, pulling ahead of christine quinn 25% to 22%. eliot spitzer barely has been in the race for a week and already he's leading manhattan borough president scott stringer 48% to 33%. >> john: wow. anthony weiner and eliot spitzer surprising everyone with their solid polling. [laughter] which, to be fair, is kind of the story of their lives. for more on this we're joined by senior political correspondent
samantha bee. >> yeah. >> john: sam, it look like weiner and spitzer could actually win their races. that is unbelievable, isn't it? >> i know, john, it truly is a great day for children across this nation. >> john: sorry. how on earth is this a great day for children? >> oh, no, john, think about it. most of today's young people feel like they could never have a future in politics and it's hard to argue with them. you know, they're on facebook 24/7. they're sexting and twitpicking and oversharing everything they've got and destroying any chance of a political career before they even know they want one. every parent dreads that moment when they have to sit their college-aged kid down and say, honey, you're never going to be president or even city comptroller because you like instagram and tequila makes your clothes fall off. >> john: i see. i see. so in a sense, prostitute johnson and dick pic mcgee are
trailblazers? >> yes. weiner and spitzer are doing it for generation junk shot. remember that iconic photo of the little boy touching obama's hair because it was like his own. jon jon i actually remember that. that was a moving photo. >> well, somewhere out there is a that long-waving frat boy waiting for his idol to tell him, you're okay. you're just like me. you can be anything you want to be and americans will judge you by the colorfulness of your character, not by the content of your camera phone. >> john: that's beautiful, sam. thank you. samantha bee, everyone. is a
>> john: welcome back. when a news story falls through the crack, lewis black catches it for a segment we call "back in black." >> when it comes to politicians, you might say i'm not a huge fan, but as a comedian, there's one guy i've come to love. >> the third agency of government i would do away with education, the... commerce and, let's see... i can't. the third one i can't. sorry.
>> governor rick perry of texas, he's the gift who has no idea he keeps giving. laftd laughter and he has given once again. >> texas governor rick perry tours the nation. he's trying to lure businesses to move to his state. >> rick perry's texas throwdown began with a 30-second radio ad. >> because nothing says we're on the cutting edge of 21st century business like an ad on the radio. [laughter] let's take a listen. >> this is texas governor rick perry, and i have a word of advice for employers frustrated by illinois's short-sighted approach to business: you need to get out while there's still time. the escape route leads straight to texas. >> that's right. governor perry is taking out ads in other states to tell those states how much they suck. [laughter] and who deserves it more than illinois, a state that can't even pronounce the letter "s."
but rick perry's job-stealing tour didn't stop there. >> building a business is tough, but i hear building a business in california is next to impossible. this is texas governor rick perry, and i have a message for california businesses: come check out texas. [laughter] >> so now he's taking california jobs. rick perry doesn't know it, but he just doubled texas' porn industry and tripled its number of skate-boarding panhandlers. [laughter] unsurprisingly, california's governor was not very happy about this. >> california governor jerry brown immediately dismissed the spot and the media. >> take a little radio ad and all you guys run like lap dogs to report it. it's nowhere. it's not a burp. it's barely a fart. [laughter] >> and trust me, if there's anything a man jerry brown's age knows, it's the difference between a burden of proof --
burp and a fart. but this is great. and the best part is rick perry has so many crappy states to choose from -- arizona, alaska, arkansas, and that's just the "as." >> first it was california and illinois. this week texas governor rick perry took his lone star swagger to new york. >> wait. what? you talking to us? well, i don't see any other new york here. go ahead, perry, take your best shot. >> if you just took the book of rules and regulations in new york state, it's 49,000 pages, and it's one of the reasons small business owners tell us new york is such hard place to do business. >> main street is not looking good. >> if you're tired of the same old recipe of overtaxation, overregulation and frivolous litigation, get out before you go broke. texas is calling. >> texas is calling? well, good thing i've got caller i.d. [laughter]
listen, texas, trying to steal jobs from illinois and california is one thing, but you're going to try to trash talk about new york? not on my watch. it's time to fight fire with fire. >> this is new york, the city that never sleeps. people come here from all over the world for the freedom to live as they choose, for the variety of cultures, but most of all for the fact that it's not texas. you say everything is bigger in texas? we have a 300-foot green bee con of liberty and you have a whatever the [bleeped] this thing is. and what about the food? we can get whatever whenever, 3:00 a.m., then how about an omlette with a side of meat loaf? it's 8:00 a.m., well then i'll take a slice of pizza with sushi on it. what's for lunch, vietnamese,
chinese, italian? texas, can you even spell that? we have two baseball teams. one is the best in history, and the other we keep just out of pity. you say we've got too much regulation, we've got wall street. they break the law for a living and never get punished. new yorkers go to the bathroom anywhere they want. we love the smell of urine. it smells like freedom. i'm lewis black. new york is my city. i share it with 8 million proud, amazing people. >> this is my city. >> this is our city. >> this is our city. >> new york, our city. >> this is my [bleeped] city. >> we may all come from different places, but we all agree on one thing. [bleeped], texas. [bleeped], texas. >> [bleeped], texas.
>> no, no, no, no texas. >> rick perry, you are a schmuck. >> remember the alamo? neither do we. [bleeped] texas. >> [speaking chinese] >> [speaking italian] >> [speaking foreign languages] >> don't mess with texas? no, don't [bleeped] with new york. [cheering and applause] i'm lewis black. and i approved this message. john? >> john: thank you, lewis. lewis black, everybody.
please welcome back to the show the fantastic reza alsan. [applause] reza, reza, reza, reza, reza... >> john, john, john, john, john. >> john: talk about jesus. >> you've heard of jesus? >> john: i think everybody has heard of jesus. i think everyone in the world has a relationship with jesus whether they want one or not. this book is about jesus the man, not so much jesus the christ. >> it's about the historical jesus, not the christ of faith. but, i mean, the fact of the matter is whether you believe that jesus was god incarnate, god made flesh or not, you believe that he was also man, and if he was man, then he lived in a specific time and place, and that time and place kind of matters. it's like if you really want to know who he was, you have to put his words and his actions in the context of the world in which he lived. the teachings have to be seen
according to the social ills that he confronted and the political forces that he confronted. >> john: i loved this book. >> thanks. >> john: and the time and place in which he lived, it was total, total chaos, possibly the most chaotic time in that region, and that region is the middle east. [laughter] >> yeah. >> that's a high crazy bar. >> this was only the most tumultuous era in the holy land, which as you say is saying a lot, a time of apocalyptic fervor, a time in which we're slowly moving towards this huge jewish revolt against the roman empire that ultimately resulted in the leveling of jerusalem, the destruction of the temple, the exile of the jews and every word that was ever written about jesus in the gospels was written after that event. >> right. you talk about him how in the bible jesus referred to him as a
detached, celestial spirit. we will think of him in paintings with birds on his arms and lions curled up at his shoes. okay, okay. the lions curled up at his feet. but this is man directly involved with the politics of his time. >> if you knew nothing else about jesus except that he was crucified, you'd know enough to understand who he was. crucifixion was a punishment that rome reserved solely for crimes against the state. rebellion, insurrection, treason, sedition. these were the only crimes that you could be crucified for. the thieves who were crucified alongside jesus were not thieves. the greek word "lesti" doesn't mean thief. it means bandit. and bandit was the most common term in jesus' time for a rebel, for an insure are ex-ist. his crime was actually etched above his head, king of the jews. for the life of me, i can't figure out why modern christians think that this is some sort of like a roman joke, you know,
like the romans were known for their sense of humor or something. everybody who was crucified, everybody who was crucified had their crime publicly displayed so that people would know what happens when you defy the will of rome. >> john: but why i responded so much to this as well is that i've not had much of a relationship with jesus, the christ, in my life because as a child, you hear these stories, and he does seem too ghost like, too unreal. when i was a kid growing up, the story that i responded to the most was that moment on the cross where he's screaming, "my god, my god, why have thou forsaken me?" he becomes real because that's human anger. >> i had a real experience because i converted to evangelical christianity when i was a kid and really burned with this gospel message that i heard, really, really felt it deep in my life. and then in college when i began to study the new testment, i
became far more interested in this historical person than i ever was of this kind of celestial christ that you're referring to, this man who lived 2,000 years ago who defied the most powerful empire the world has ever known, and lost, but nevertheless, stood up for the weak and the powerless, the outcast and the dispossessed and ultimately sacrificed his life for those people. i mean, christians believe he sacrificed his life to free us from sin, a perfectly fine interpretation for the christ, but what we know about the man jesus is he went to the cross on behalf of these outcasts that he was fighting for. >> can you stick around and go to the web? >> yeah. >> john: i absolutely love this book. you got to get it. "zealot" is on the bookshelves now. the fantastic reza alsan. [cheer applad appla
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