tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central August 13, 2013 6:55pm-7:26pm PDT
even better than i sda ho. (laughter) illin' noise and, orthodox jewish hip-hop artist ari zona. (laughter) holla! (cheers and applause) and i applaud the venerable institution that is "today" for giving mr. rida a forum for discussing his love of big, juicy butts. ♪ i wanna see that butt ♪ turn left, turn right ♪ turn around, you can tell what i like ♪ (laughter) >> stephen: now, that may seem like a large serving of butt for breakfast-- (laughter) -- but remember "today" waited until 8:47 a.m. that's just journalism 10 1.
6:00 a.m., hard news; 7:00 a.m. human interest pieces; 8:30 jackhammering badonkadonk. (cheers and applause) plus, as you know (cheers and applause) plus, did you know that this ode to his incurable sickness for the thickness -- (laughter) -- was inspired by our lord. >> >> well, i have to ask the first question. tell me about the jesus piece, i can't take my eyes off it. >> it's a sign of success. i put god first with everything. >> stephen: flo-rida puts god first in everything. he only wrote "bubble yum bum" because jesus was a booty fan. after all, he did say "turn the other cheek." probably so he could watch the ladies twerk it! (cheers and applause)
so thank you, flo-rida and thank you, "today" show because i had my morning toast already and you knew i was ready for that jelly. (laughter) now i am become death. (laughter) destroyer of worlds. (laughter) oh, hi there! i was just putting the finishing touches on thpl. (cheers and applause) i told my neighbor to stop trim mig side of the hedges or he would regret it. now, this little puppy down here would not be possibly without j. robert oppenheimer often called the father of the atomic bomb-- leading to deep insecuritys for his son jeffrey who just never managed to blow up hiroshima.
(audience reacts) now, oppenheimer lived in princeton, new jersey, which is located in the subject of the 72nd installment of my 434-part series "better know a district." tonight, new jersey's 12th, the fighting 12th! (cheers and applause) thank you. other notable princetonians include james madison, jimmy stewart, michelle obama and, from 1933 to 18955 princeton held the honor of being the only town in america where you could say "way to go, einstein" and have an old man say "dang a shane." (laughter) now, the 12th is also home to supreme court justice antonin scalia, meaning that clarence thomas insists he's from there, too. if you're in the 12th don't miss a night out with the minor league trenton thunder. they're always doing something new like the april 30 organ
donation awareness night which, coincidentally, was also dollar hot dog night. (cheers and applause) and who has the jersey boys to represent such districts? why, none other than democratic congressman and physicist rush holt. i sat down with representative holt in chairs. congressman, thank you so much for talking to me today. >> good to be with you, stephen. >> stephen: tell me about the fighting 12th. >> it has ethnicities more diverse than you can imagine. you go into a public school in anywhere in that part of the state and you'll find maybe 25 different languages spoken at home. >> stephen: you're the congressman for new jersey's 12th but you are running to be the new senator from new jersey. why do you want to be a senator, though? after years of being in a do-nothing congress do you want to join a do-nothing senate? >> i want to make them a do-something senate. i want to get there with elizabeth warren.
>> stephen: everybody wants to get there with elizabeth warren. (cheers and applause) >> i just want to make sure that kids get the health they need to get to college. >> stephen: you're running against newark mayor corey booker. >> or he's running against me. >> stephen: if cory booker is elect head would be the first black senator from new jersey. tell the people of new jersey right now why you think it's a bad idea to elect the first black senator from new jersey. (laughter) why is that so important to you to stop that? >> you know, race is something that is losing its meaning. when you realize that most people in america are of mixed heritage --. >> stephen: all right. you were on "jeopardy" -- let me rephrase that. this man has five wins on "jeopardy" and even beat the i.b.m. supercomputer wattson. >> who is rush holt?
>> stephen: that's what we're trying to find out. if you don't know, how can your constituents know? (laughter) >> i follow the facts wherever they lead and develop -- develop policies. and put those out clearly and i think courageously. >> stephen: you find yourself courageous? >> you listen --. >> stephen: where do you find courage to find yourself courages you? >> i said one should follow the facts and present them clearly and courageously. >> stephen: courageously. okay. education, big issue for you. >> that is probably as much as anything-- maybe more than anything-- what has made this country great. it has been our public education system. >> stephen: isn't there a lot of waste in education? we have biology and psychology. do we need every "ology"? (laughter) >> you know, we should teach every science to every student every year all the way through
school. >> stephen: astrology? (laughter) >> i said science. that's astronomy. >> stephen: astrology is more of an a science because it has the "ology" in there. >> we should teach them every year. not just tenth grade for biology 11th grade for chemistry --. >> stephen: 12th grade for atrolg. some people do better with aries, a taurus does better than w astrology. the (applause) >> you know, i -- (laughter) where were you going with this? >> stephen: what's your birthday? i'll do your chart. >> you do that? >> stephen: i dabble. >> have you ever found it to work? >> stephen: yes! very often initiating conversations with friends leads to greater understanding and contentment in the workplace. what's your birth day? >> october 15. >> stephen: oh, you're a libra!
this is all making sense to me now. libra. (laughter and applause) conservative voters gave you 100% rating. >> the lead of conservation voters. >> stephen: conservation voters? my apologies. that is disappointing. >> well, we see what we like sometimes. >> stephen: so as a tree-hugger, do you ever go any further with the tree than huging? under the trunk action? >> um -- i -- i'm not sure where you're going. >> stephen: me either. i'd like to find out. you worked on legislation to preserve the ocean, among other things, true? >> true. >> stephen: why are you aiding the enemy? >> the ocean is our friend. >> stephen: have you seen the movie "sharknado"? (cheers and applause) tornados made of sharks. >> made of sharks. >> stephen: that's what you want to protect. >> i think "sharknados" don't
exist. >> stephen: the only way to fight them to throw bombs into the tornado and of course bombs disrupt tornados. >> well, even tornados result from the changes in the climate. >> stephen: would you consider legislation to fight future sharknados? >> i think there are many important things that we need to deal with and that are probably more important than that. >> stephen: such a libra thing to say. (laughter) moving on. you're against things that fly over america. you're such a big science egghead how come you don't like the drone program? drones are the future? >> the idea of using armed drones to kill people without due process --. >> stephen: there is due process. the process is that we do it. >> innocent civilians are obliterated when something comes out of the blue. >> stephen: i'm not pro-civilian obliteration, i want to be on record.
(laughter) >> then we should stop. >> stephen: it takes a tremendous amount of courage for me to say that. (laughter) i'm sure you can understand. you are the only quaker in congress. >> yes. >> stephen: quaker is a pacifist religion. >> it's anti-war. quakers are proud of looking for alternatives to war. >> stephen: would you engage me a thumb war? let's do it. one, two, three, four -- wait, no, that's cheating. >> (laughs) >> stephen: you just -- first first striking ability, something the united states has promised to never do. one, two, three, four, i declare a thumb war. (audience chanting "stephen")
good luck on tuesday, the stars say it's very favorable. >> thank you, stephen. >> stephen: let's put new jersey's 12th up on the big board! (cheers and applause) looks like somebody in princeton just failed their nuclear physics midterms. don't forget, new jersey, the primary is tomorrow. go vote. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! folks it's vacation season and i hate to admit this but i hate when t way americans are perceived when visiting the old country. i want those filthy garlic eaters to like us. (laughter) naturally, i was upset to learn that italians were throwing a hisssy fit about an innocent mistake at one of their museums. >> as if american tourists didn't have a bad reputation already, now there is this. a missouri man traveling in italy accidentally snapped the finger off a 600-year-old statue. (audience reacts) an american tourist in hot water. they're knocking a finger off a 600-year-old statue at a museum in florence. >> part of the story is is to repair the damaged finger. >> stephen: italy, if your restorers need a model for that finger, i got one right here. (cheers and applause)
who cares if a 600-year-old statue's finger snapped off? just replace it with one of italy's famed unlimited bread sticks. (laughter) or have we forgotten hospitaliano? (laughter) folks, if anyone is to blame for this it is the stat stat stat, for one thing, what is an opera museum doing with statues? everyone is calling this a priceless art work, so what's the big deal? if it's tree, just get another one. (laughter) naturally the museum's director blames the tourist saying "in a globalized economy --" (laughter) haiti mama! normally, you don't touch the works but look at the statue. the guy's been waiting for a high five since the 1400s!
you cannot leave a bro hanging! besides, the american tourist had a perfectly good explanation. >> according to report, the man was measuring the finger and comparing it to his own hand when he accidentally broke the work of art. >> stephen: yes, that is the whole reason museums exist: so you can compare yourself to the art. that's why the first time i saw mike lang low's david i dropped trou crawled up there -- (laughter) did a little side-by-side comparison. and i don't want to shock anyone but -- (cheers and applause) i don't want to shock anyone. let's just say he met the real goliath. (laughter) we'll be right back. xn,x#4hf
>> stephen: (cheers and applause) welcome back, my guest tonight released a new book about america. as ben franklin said "it's the must read book of the summer." please welcome sheldon white house! (cheers and applause) i love having senators on because you guys are the exclusive club, right? you guys got better washrooms and everything, i'm sure:. >> they're actually redoing the women's senate washroom. >> stephen: what does that matter to you, sir? >> makes everybody happier. >> stephen: it does? does it really. >> absolutely. >> stephen: you have a new book. let's push some pitch aer, sir. it's called "on virtues, quotations and insights to live a truly american life." that started off as a notebook of yours, right? >> yup. >> stephen: how long did you work on this book? >> close on 20 years i put the first one down and i've had this
little paper book with me. when i love it, i write it down. >> stephen: that why congress can get nothing down because it takes you 20 years to write a book?" (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it's worse than that. we use mostly other people's words. >> selection. >> stephen: selection. >> stephen: so you're sampling. so this is your idea of after rap song. (laughter) you're sampling other people's work. >> yeah, it's the good part. >> stephen: you've got some phat beats in here from abraham lincoln and theodore roosevelt but you've also got things from, like, win william shakespeare and winston churchill. this is honorable truly american life. what do they know? what do english-- pardon me-- limey bastards know? (laughter) i mean that in the best possible way. why would you quote someone else to talk about the truly american life? >> because some of the principles that are most
distinctly american are ones that are part of the human condition and that people like shakespeare could have written about and churchill, of course, was part american. his mom was american. >> stephen: it comes from his father's side. it was his father's side. yeah. (laughter) do you have a favorite get to here? something that if you had to throw autoall the others and just keep one, what would it be? >> there's a very short coupleet that says "life is mostly froth and bubble, two things stand like stone: kindness in another's trouble, courage in one's own." not bad. >> stephen: no. (cheers and applause) i believe that was written by flo-rida. (laughter) >> could have been! or illin' noise. >> stephen: am i quoted in your book?
>> regrettably not. is that a recall issue or --. >> stephen: no, i'm glad because my favorite quote is "you'll be hearing from my lawyer." (laughter) i just wanted to know whether i could call you into court. >> i'm safe. >> stephen: why did you put the book out? because, no offense, "on virtue" you're a democrat, what do democrats know about virtue new virtues are a conservative ideal. they're about generally preserving what is good about our country when democrats are willing to sell us down the river to the first interest group with a rainbow flag. (laughter) why do you think -- why do you think you're suited to pick our virtuous quotes? >> i think that washington right now is a little short on some of the virtues and i'm not even the senior senator from rhode island but i want to do what i can to
try to push a different debate into the discussion and to look back and see what people have said and done at some of the most important times in history, things that capture a particular piece of the human spirit. i think that adds a little bit of value. maybe only a little bit but you do what you can. >> stephen: do you think this is an important time in human history? >> i do. >> stephen: why is nothing happening then? (cheers and applause) if this is so important, why is nothing happening? (cheers and applause) >> because we're at a junction and the fight is where do we turn? what direction do we go? and pretty soon i think paralysis in washington is going to break. i think the grip of the tea party on the republican party is going to diminish. i think a more moderate republican is going to be able to a peer and we'll work together and move forward in to broad and summit uplands. >> stephen: rulely? how about that? you've got these things in your pocket all the time! (laughter) that's really kind of a trump card wherever you're having an
(cheers and applause) >> john: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is john oliver, i'm still here for jon stewart who, due to a comical mixup, is currently hosting "the doily show" america's greatest satirical lace centerpiece program. (laughter) he is eviscerating that lace work and that's a direct copy quote. our guest tonight is senator rand paul, he's going to be with us. (cheers and applause) he's also where we begin tonight. what has senator paul been up to? >> senator rand paul of kentucky heads to iowa. >> he has planned to visit south carolina and nevada. >> tomorrow he headlines a g.o.p. dinner new hampshire. >> i know rand paul, i think he'll run in 2016. >> what stands between the paul dynasty and 2016? >> well, i'll tell you the first thing that stands between them, three (bleep)ing years! (laughter)
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