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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 15, 2013 6:55pm-7:26pm PDT

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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen! tephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, in here, out there. listen, america and all the ships at sea, folks, if you watch this show -- and i hope you do -- you know that i am a proud supporter and occasional savior of the winter olympics. in 2010, the colbert nation sponsored the u.s. speedskaters who took home the gold but, folks, i'm no hero. i'm the guy who funded the hero so i'm more important than the hero. but a new crisis may force me to dust off my red, white and blue nuthugger. jim? >> the winter olympics in russia are just about six months away
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and there is growing controversy over new antigay laws and about the safety of gay people visiting russia. also gay athletes. >> a russian law unanimously passed in parliament allows for fines and arrests over anything deemed gay propaganda displayed in front of children. >> so how will this be enforced? does this really mean if someone was waving a rainbow flag or peacefully demonstrating or talking to young people about their life that they could be arrested? apparently yes. >> stephen: yes. russia will not tolerate the gays. now this makes sense, folks, because their president is so damned straight. whether he's shirtless hunting, shirtless fishing, shirtless horseback riding or tonguing a 30-pound carp. by the way, that carp he was tonguing, female. okay. you can tell because she was into it.
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now this antigay legislation has caused outrage and in response the international olympic committee has bravely stood up to putin and said, "whatever you want, vlad." citing article 50 of the i.o.c. rules which states, "no kind of demonstration or political, religious or racial propaganda is permitted in any olympic sites, venues or other areas." all the olympic committee is saying is that being gay is an act of protest because what are gay men doing but boycotting women? they're just... the i.o.c. is just asking gay athletes to knock it off for a couple of weeks. just like at the '36 olympic games hitler asked jesse owens to ease off on the black. you know, don't be so" out there." but to be safe, okay, i think they should bring the olympics back to its greek roots when
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nothing gay ever happened. [ cheers and applause ] okay. i think he had that guy by the greek roots. and folks russia's not the only place trying to defend its family values because unfortunately america's traditional small town morals are under attack from within. when it comes to fighting the gay agenda, we've already lost our big cities. thankfully, america's family values are kept alive in small towns like in kentucky in the heart of appalachia i can't. >> about 335-340 people. we all know each other. >> everyone knows each other. we're pro gun, hard working.
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country people. it's a fine town. stephen: a fine town. but for how long? meet the mayor johnny cummings. go back. too far. go back. a little more. good. >> hey, i'm johnny cummings. i'm the mayor here. [bleep] >> stephen: aren't you forgetting something. >> kentucky. stephen: no, the other thing. i am a gay man. stephen: a gay man and a gay mare destroying america. ... a gay mayor destroying america. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: americans count on smawn towns to uphold traditional morality. but mayor cummings is using his office to implement the gay agenda. >> he's the best one mayor we've had here is him. >> as mayor of the city, he's
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done an outstanding job. >> he's changed everything. made things better. >> stephen: better if you mean gayer. >> the workers went out in the middle of the night and patched the potholes. >> stephen: gay. put a new bridge to the sewer plant. >> stephen: gay. a family center, a park, a playground, stuff for the kids. >> stephen: gay, gay. he has addressed the water situation. it's better than it's ever been. >> stephen: but better isn't gay enough for mayor cummings. listen to what he gay-ed up next. >> i introduced the fireman's ordinance. >> stephen: and what does he consider fair? >> one could be denied service and terminated from their job ore vingted from their house just because of their sexual preference. >> stephen: no one, not even a gay guy. but one brave kentuckian knows what fairness really means. >> fairness is nothing but a
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trick word. >> stephen: local pastor truman hurt is bringing the hurt to the fairness ordinance. >> we should be able to fire and deny them service or deny them housing. >> stephen: but pastor hurt has nothing against gays. >> i have nothing against gays. i don't like their lifestyle. i don't like them trying to push it on me and my family. and the community. >> stephen: so? they ought to go back in the closet where they belong. >> stephen: and pastor hurt has the full support of the city's simple hill folk. >> i'm in favor of the gay rights ordinance. >> stephen: he's obviously not from the city. who else? >> i think the ordinance is a great thing. >> stephen: she's a lesbian. what about gary? gary, tell me what's wrong with the ordinance. >> i have one thing against it. not one thing. >> stephen: not one thing. what is wrong with you people? >> this is a small town. they think we're a bunch of close minded hill billies. >> stephen: yes, we count on that and this openly gay mayor
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is ruining all our classic stereotypes. >> i'm also the town hairdresser. >> stephen: okay. that one sticks. but how has mayor cummings so quickly destroyed the values of the salt of the erlt in-bred yolkals in the answer will shock you. >> there is a gay mafia that has inflicted the fear of death. they have those who are, you know, that claim to be fighting against boeing becoming the bullies. >> how can i bully, you know, heterosexual coal miner into doing anything? >> stephen: how? get the law on your side. >> i know he's gay. yeah, he's my best friend. yeah, we've been accused of being lovers. a lot of things throughout the years, he's been through all four of my marriages. that boy knows more about me than most people in my life. i love him like a brother. and i'll take care of him just like that. just like a brother. >> stephen: the fate now lay in the hands of its frightening commissioner claude branson,
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jimmy sloan, and joel cotton coons. has cummings gotten to them? >> the ordinance passed easily 3 to 1 which made us the smallest town in the nation to pass an ordinance like this. >> stephen: mayor gayer won and small town america lost. >> heterosexual men discussed and debated and passed this ordinance, it made me very proud to be a gay man in eastern kentucky. >> stephen: explain yourself one of those four heterosexual man. >> i did vote for the ordinance. i didn't see no big deal in it. >> stephen: oh, no. tell him, pastor. >> i've seen it. in some of the cities how they come in and just take over one place and then they say that's a gay bar now. >> stephen: yes. this is a gay bar now. wait. what do you know about gay bars? >> i've been to a gay bar in
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dallas texas. >> stephen: wait, what? and i was very familiar with what goes on in a gay bar. >> stephen: what were you doing in a gay bar? >> i was tt gay bar to get a beer. i just walked into the place. i was just making... >> stephen: friends? my rounds. it just happened to be a case that said beer. >> stephen: gay bar? that's why i stopped. stephen: today it's this town but what if gay tolerance spreads to the rest of small town america? >> if gay tolerance spreads, yes, it would hurt everything in a bad way. >> i had five others who came up and they all said we want to be the next one. that was great. >> stephen: great if you like swimming in a lake of fire. >> homosexuals are sinners. without the lord jesus christ they're going to hell.
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>> stephen: so johnny cummings, have fun as mayor of hell. that's something these back woods bible thumpers can understand. >> god makes them born gay, why is he against it? it says in the bible. if he is against it, why did he make them born that way? i can't understand that. i've tried and tried and tried to understand that. i can't. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> stephen: we'll be right back.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. folks, as members of the colbert nation, i don't have to tell you that barack obama loves big government. need proof? in 1790 the federal government had power over 13 states. under obama? 50.
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and surprise, surprise, the last one is hawaii. from there much? well, brace yourself, folks. obama is at it again. >> a seemingly well intentioned government initiative is raising some serious questions about big brother. the federal government is now hiring behavioral experts to look for ways to influence americans' behavior. >> stephen: that's right. the white house is hiring behavioral experts. and this time it's not to get joe biden to stop drinking out of the toilet. see, the administration is trying out a psychology trick called a nudge which encourages behavior subtly rather than outright requires it. now a nudge is is not to be confused with someone forcing you to do something at gun point. that's called a nuge. and like all of obama's ideas, folks, he got this one from our enemies in europe. for instance, in amsterdam's skip-ole international airport
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management painted pictures of house flies on the urinals in the men's room and the quantity of misdirected urine is said to have fallen by 80%. although, yes, impressive. although the quantity of suicides by government urine trackers skyrocketed. folks, this nudging is nothing more than obama administration controlling us with guilt. this is worse than big brother. this is big mother. before long, you will be getting us to conserve electricity like this. you don't have to use a compact fluorescent bulb if you don't want to. it doesn't matter. you've got more important things to do. i'll just sit here in the dark no, no, i'll do it. no, i'm usedded to the dark. when i was in labor with you, i had my eyes clenched shut for the entire 28 hours. it was like being buried.
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please, just let me put the bulb in. no, you just go out with that girl and have fun. your father would put them in but he's gone now. he said he would take care of me but i guess that was just beth dead talk. i'm getting the ladder. are you sure? i want to change the bulb. as long as you want to there's a crate of bulbs out in the garage. thank you, darling. we'll be right éc!p.,@
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: my guest tonight is nominated for an emmy for his portrayal of an unscrupulous congressman. but he might lose to every other congressman. please welcome kevin spacey. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] thanks for coming back. nice to see you. nice suit. >> thank you. stephen: you look like an extra in "to kill a
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mockingbird." attica's stunt double. thank you for coming back. >> i was trying to give you that southern feeling today. >> stephen: you've got it baryks. you've got it. you were here for many reasons. other than you like hanging out obviously but you are a famed actor, writer, director, two-time oscar winner, currently star of the netflix series "house of cards" in which you play... [ cheers and applause ] thank you. i did read that well. and nominated for nine emmys, this show. nine! wow! okay. i've got a beef about this though. kev... >> me or the show. stephen: it's not a tv show. it's an internet show. i have a tv show, okay. you are admittedly the jackie robinson of the internet. you are bringing the show... why should you get an award for tv
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when you're not on tv? what do you want next, the heisman? defend yourself. >> look, it's where things have been going for the last, you know, you look at the last eight years the way in which people are watching, bingeing on shows. it all started with the box. the truth is i think that's been remarkable about how the audience has responded to house of cards coming out all at once all 1 of the first season came out is that they are in control. they can watch it how they want to watch it. if they want to binge, they can. if they want to watch two, they can. if they want to watch none, like you, they don't have to. >> stephen: your character represents the fifth district in south carolina. my home state great place. >> i was recently there. stephen: okay. but he's a democrat. you are a white democrat from south carolina. is this the show that's got the dragons in it too?
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because this seems like fantasy to me. i'm from there, buddy. who dreamt that up and what were they smoking? >> well, i don't know what they were smoking. but i hope they smoked at least two of them to get there. look, it's obviously a fictional show because it's also a congress [bleep] gets done. >> stephen: is your character focused on the important stuff like repealing obama care? is there any votes on that yet? >> in our first season we passed an education bill. >> stephen: yeah. amazing. stephen: did this make politics appealing to you all in anyway? >> do you have a bucket? stephen: are you going to drop in all the reasons why? the reason i ask is that i'm not an actor but i know some hollywood folk.
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and i've met a lot of washington people. and which do you think is is more self-centered hollywood or washington because it's been said that washington is just hollywood for unattractive people. which do you think is more of an ooky society to be in? >> i get to live in both worlds so i really get the best of the ickiness. >> stephen: how would you compare, well, the selfishness, that is inherent in in hollywood and the selfishness that unfortunately is endemic in washington? >> here's the great thing. i moved to london ten years ago so i wouldn't have to in the selfishness of hollywood. and we shoot in baltimore so we're not really in d.c. so i kind of managed to avoid it all. >> stephen: did you ever run into those guys from "the wire"? have you heard of those guys from the wire? >> and they were canceled.
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look, it's been fascinating watching how people in washington -- because i've met a number of the actual people who do this job, kevin mccarthy who is the majority whip and steny hoyer who is the minority whip. >> stephen: are you modeled on anyone. >> not really. when this character was written it was based on richard iii. >> stephen: the hunch back king. which is why in the series i turn and i talk directly to the audience, much the same way you do here night after night. although in my case they listen. >> stephen: you haven't won that emmy yet, kev. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> stephen: thank you. kevin spacey, "house of car
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome to the daily show. [ cheers and applause ] my name is john oliver. i am still sitting in for jon stewart who has been spending the entire summer at training camp with the new york giants. apparently he's extremely happy and in almost constant pain. our guest tonight tv legend and host of the new show crowd goes wild on fox 1 regis philbin is here. [ cheers and applause ] oh, yes, indeed. we start tonight with the news