tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central September 12, 2013 1:00am-1:36am PDT
there's one thing i don't understand, zoidberg. how did you persuade mom to give you her precious yeti head? did you have to promise anything in return? nothing, nothing at all. this calls for a celebration. come on, everyone, let's go tanning. (all cheering) (sighs) i was going to tan... once. what do you say, johnny? it's on me. thank you, hubert. (both whooping) captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central world view's headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart.
[applause] [cheering] >> jon: hello, everybody. i'm jon stewart, and boy did we put on a program for you, our guest, mr. david crosby. i'm very excited. we begin tonight, of course, president obama's address on syria. i'm kidding around. that's not the big story. the big news last night was not syria, but there was new york's mayoral primary, bill de blasio won the night with his incredibly awesome family. >> they're blowing kisses through the crowd. a very photogenic family. >> jon: i rarely say this about the media, but you're underselling it.
photogenic doesn't go anywhere near what these folks are. check this out. >> ladies and gentlemen, and now the smackdown. >> reporter: the entire family, including son dante and daughter kiara did a weird gymnastic move that brought huge cheers from the crowd. [applause] [laughter] >> jon: adopt me. yes, somehow after 12 years of captain soda narc, i think new york city might be ready for a charismatic biracial family with their own synchronized dance moves, that appear to have been beamed here from the 1970s music variety special. who is better than this family? nobody is better than this family. you've got kiara, the confident daughter.
you've got dante, the son who is so charming and so charismatic. i mean, he is unbelievable. [laughter] [cheering] [applause] >> jon: how did he do that? [laughter] >> jon: just by watching him, it sprouted. it's so beautiful. oh! that is truly disappointing. oh, look at him go. hey, what's going on? [cheering] >> hey, turn that down! turn that down! [bleep] [laughter]
[booing] >> jon: and forget about all of that, there is his wife, shirley mccray, which until she met her husband was a devout lesbian, which we know from her 1979 article. this is why de blasio can win, the democrats love him because he is an old-fashioned conservative, and this is why republicans love him, because he can turn gay people straight. what's better than that? meanwhile, on the agony of defeat side, former congressman turned pioneer anthony weiner. >> we had the best ideas. sadly, i was an imperfect messenger. [laughter] [applause]
[cheers] >> jon: "an imperfect messenger,messenger," is a u. p.s.guy who dings up your passenger. you're more like if the u.p.s. guy showed you his package and then told you he was going to (bleep) you so hard. >> jon: here's the thing... [applause] [cheers] >> jon: i'm trying to sleep. keep it down. i'm trying to sleep! [boos] >> jon: oh, you love afro jon. look, weiner had to have known he was going to lose. so, you know, how bad could his night have been. >> the concession party felt like the circus. first, sydney leather's
showed up, the woman who postaled heposted her online relationship with weiner in july. the security team scuffled with reporters. the candidate's response, a raised middle finger through the window just before driving off. >> jon: okay, he is learning. at least now he is just flashing his finger. i mean, that's baby steps. for more on the end of anthony weiner's mayoral campaign, we go live to john ol jer. oliver. nice to see you. >> reporter: you know, john, it is really becoming almost a cliche in american politics. a hard-fought political campaign ended with a man being chased through mcdonald's to avoid his amateur porn star mistress
before bidding the local media a hearty farewell. >> jon: it is not really how it seems a mayoral campaign usually ends. it is more like an episode of "cops" would end. >> a good one. tel>> jon: tell me the truth, are you going to miss him a little bit? >> no, not a little bit. >> jon: a smidgeon? >> no. i'm not going to miss him. >> jon: you're not going to miss the danger? >> no. ♪ danger ♪ >> jon: you're not going to do it? >> no, i'm not going to do it, jon. no, no, no, no, no. [applause] [cheers] >> no. no. >> jon: wow!
wow! >> wait. i'm standing outside mcdonald's. >> jon: you really are "harry potter." do the (bleep) dance. >> i'm not doing the (bleep) dance. and i'll tell you why. no, no, no. [applause] [cheers] >> hold on. >> jon: why not, oliver, why not? >> it doesn't feel right anymore, jon. sure, it was fun when she was still running for office, being a dick to everyone he met. i don't know, maybe its me, but somewhere between him sprinting past the dollar value menu and his lonely car ride home with only his middle finger to keep him company, i kind of lost the stomach for this. >> jon: what, are you comedian or a human being?
[applause] >> jon: welcome back. obviously, the world is focused on syria right now, but the entire middle east is volatile. the united states must take the greatest of care of approach with this battled region. >> three representatives were in egypt over the weekend and gave a press conference on egyptian tv. [laughter] >> jon: please be a jimmy kimmel prank. please be a jimmy kimmel prank. please be a jimmy kimmel prank. nope. apparently they were on a diplomatic mission. >> my name is michelle michele bachmann, and i'm a member of the united states congress from the united states of america. >> jon: they've only said one sentence, and this is already the weirdest things i've heard. why is she talking like that? is she addressing an
egyptianing kindergarten. bachmann, gomer and king went to egypt to say to the good and kind people in egypt that the growing pains their country is experiencing in its temporary militarily imposed re respite from democracy can be cured with a quick shot of vitamins. >> i'm reminded of the words of thomas payne, he said in america law is king. >> our declaration of independence is the consent of the people that allow a government to function. >> our founding fathers wrote a message i think will resonate. >> thomas jefferson. >> george washington. >> the united states constitution that i carry in my pocket every day i wear a jacket. >> jon: and another thing, what is with round bread. you can't get into it. there is no way to fill it with sandwich. in america, we use sliced
square bread. i think you'll agree it is easier to handle. you need to make some changes. why am i talking like a brooklyn guy with these people. it is the one time i could have used my southern guy. i need my afro back. could these three people be any more condescending? i think we all know the answer to that. >> that's what we're about in america. we want those values that we treasure in america, those values that served our country and allowed us to build up so strong from nothing -- we were nothing 236 years ago. today we are strong. >> jon: maybe some day, egypt, you'll be strong enough to build something lasting. [laughter] >> jon: maybe. all right, come on! wrap it up, you three. >> i think there may be
some questions that you all may have, and if you do, we are more than happy to answer them. if you have any questions at this time. [laughter] >> the one question that has come forward again is -- >> jon: there is no way in that time they took a real question. it took longer to say the words, hello, i have a question. at this point, i'm not really sure you're in egypt. look at these guys. are they in a vacuum? are they chained together? is this a hostage video. they all like like they're afraid they're going to get muslim on them. this is a nervous delegation of earthlings. if i may address the egyptian people myself, i feel like i need to fix this. we sent over our own delegation to undo some of that damage. here they are right now in egypt. [applause] [cheers]
>> thank you, jon. hello, my name is samantha bee, and i am an america from the america of the united states. and on behalf of myself and my colleagues, i would like to apologize to the people of egypt for sending you literally the three stupidest people in america. [applause] [cheers] >> sorry for that. >> thank you, sam. egypt, i'd like to, if i may, show you something that i put in my jacket every day that i wear one. it's called bacon. [applause] [cheers] >> and it's cured pork, and we eat it and we love it. i don't understand why you don't. [applause] [laughter] >> okay, we have time for one question. excellent question. yes, it is possible that when those three congress
people are unsupervised, they eat their own (bleep). >> anymore questions? wow, so many questions. so many actually questions from real, actual eyptians. >> oh, my gosh, what did you say? you are so bad. >> hey, hey, what's going on over here. over here. look at this. >> oh, my gosh. eyptians are so nice. [applause] >> jon: thank you so much. samantha bee and david cross in egypt. we'll be right back. n$@yk4k4dú,:=-xq(lb6,btaáer8y(m
called "hollywood says no," from the creators of mr. show. please welcome back to the program, bob and david. [applause] [cheers] [applause] >> jon: sorry. it's just to see you two together -- [laughter] >> jon: -- just before doing a sketch, it just brought back a lot of memories. >> it gives you asthma? >> jon: it gives me asthma. the book is called "hollywood said no." these are real movie scripts? >> these are real movie scripts that we wrote, and hollywood really said no very loudly, many, many times. it took us for to hear it. >> jon: i read these, and they're truly amazing.
i don't understand how anybody could read these and say, no, i don't want to do these. >> you work in hollywood. >> jon: i work on 11th avenue. >> we wrote these scripts after "mr. show," the show we did on hbo, which jon was a part of. >> jon was in mr. show. >> jon: my favorite sketch was the rock band who inspired a kid to commit suicide, and we visited him in the hospital. the show was just great. you're doing a tour of it now, yes? >> well, we're doing some new sketches and stand-up comedy to promote this book and see our fans, who we haven't seen in so long. >> jon: how do they look? >> a little in the middle. they could work out. >> they could skip a hamburger once in a while.
( laughter ) >> jon: it is pretty much two full film scripts? >> yes. one is a sketch movie, and one is a satire -- >> jon: it's in a who? >> it's like underground, a trench. >> it is the tunnel of -- >> jon: but for bob and dave to make a movie -- >> that's a sketch movie. >> from the moment you do it, i envision that big boom shot from the beginning of the show, as it came together. >> yes. we have little sketches in there, like a great '50s sci-fi film called "one-eyed aliens from planet mars," in which they scare the heck out of americans because they look like a certain part of the anatomy. and european people are fine with them. [laughter]
>> jon: don't make the audience work so hard. >> the other screenplay in there is called "hurray for america." it is a satirical look at america. and the election process, and what have you. >> jon: what is wrong with the election process in america? >> nothing, sir. >> jon: okay. ( laughter ) i was getting a little, whoa! love it or leave it, baby. do you put it out to say, hey, man, let's still do this? >> no. no, not at all. that's part of the reason these are in book form because we know we'll never make them. they were written for young, brash comedy... >> and i didn't have to put powder up here. the powder budget would just -- forget it. >> you could never do it. >> jon: does that work for you? because i do the powder thing, but the morning on the pillow -- >> you don't have to look at me for this conversation. >> jon: no.
( laughter ) >> you don't have to be polite. >> jon: i understand. you're absolutely right. although i grew the beard out and i miss it so much. it's like having a friend with you at all times. ( laughter ) have you ever gone -- >> i had a beard for "run, ronnie, run." i grew a real beard, and it scared the heck out of my kids. i came back from filming and they didn't know who i was. so, yeah. >> you know what the solution to that is? you should have had your wife grow a beard in your absence. that way it would have been a transition. >> i don't understand. [laughter] >> but my wife is a beard. [laughter] >> jon: we've broken news. news has broken. how does that -- do you watch -- you both go and did all of these wonderful shows, "arrested development," and do you watch each other?
>> of course. >> jon: do you text each other and say -- >> i'm on tv! i was late to "breaking bad," but i started binge watching it, and i freaked out over how good it is. it is arguably the best show ever on television. >> jon: pretty great. >> and bob told me how it ends, and i cannot believe that. >> jon: okay. >> and i cannot believe that. ( laughter ) >> jon: let's hear it. >> a time machine?!? [laughter] >> jon: did you really tell him? >> i didn't read the last part because i'm a fan of the show, too. they send me the script and i'm, like, i'm not reading this. i don't want to carry that around with me, the burden of looking into all of the hungry eyes and going, i'm not going to tell you.
( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, heroes all. folks, if you are following the news, you know that this is an exciting time in new york city politics. just yesterday, voters turned out to nominate replacements for outgoing mayor michael bloomberg. someone's got to fill this man's shoes, which is why i cast my vote for an american girl doll. ( laughter ) folks, if you remember, last week on this very show, i endorsed republican mayoral candidate joe lhota because after two kittens stranded on the tracks