tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central September 13, 2013 6:45pm-7:16pm PDT
things that i probably would to the do. >> stephen: okay, because y do you not find me attractive. >> no, i think you're an interesting man and you're very attractive, you're handsome, well dressed. >> stephen: why won't you make out with me. >> if we don't have any attraction. >> stephen: if you think i'm fat just say so. >> i think that you will decide whether you are fat or not. >> stephen: do you think i think i'm fat. >> if you say so i guess that's what you think, i don't perceive it. >> stephen: okay, great, just say i'm fat. >> no, i didn't. >> stephen: you sdbs, you just said you think i think i am. so you must be a reason for you to be thinking that. >> i'm really trying to let you decide who you are. >> stephen: all right, okay. congressman, can i ask you about a photo i found on a web site of you. >> sure. >> stephen: this photo of you with tape over your mouth and some sort of jairo glifs on your cheek, what does this mean? >> a gay group had me do that i had forgotten what the issue is.
>> stephen: are you telling me you had a photo shoot with a bunch of gay people with duct tape and you have no recollection of what happened. >> this was about three minutes. they walked me in, put the tape on, put the thing on my cheek, took the picture and i was gone. i'm not quite clear-- . >> stephen: i think you're gay married now. i think are you gay married. (cheers and applause) >> okay pikes place market which is in seattle, they-- salmon at each other. would you help lee live out a lifelong dream and throw some salmon back and forth with me. great, let's do this thing .
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. thanks so much. hey, how are you doing, everybody. i don't know about you but i'm having a pretty good night. now as promised let's talk about that putin guy. he's got a fascinating op ed in today's "new york times", hold on a secretary, i forgot my rage. hold on where did i-- oh, there you go. hold on one second. here we go. let's just crack this bad boy. oh! oh hhh, slarm! >> how dare, how dare-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: how dare "the new york times" print the propaganda of a homicidal
kgb klepto. i assume he's filling in for maureen dowd while she on vacation with pull onium.song. because news splash, "new york times", he murdereds journalists. we don't do that in america. we just let you starve today in-- to death in your dying industry. and just look at this crap, a plea for caution from russia, by vladimir v putin. by the way, the v, stands for vladimir. (laughter) another one, that's how russian he is. no surprise, folks, the great lady has got her legs spread for vlad the impailer here. they've got a long history of legitimizing ironfisted tyrants. in the 80ses could who forget qaddafi front page, hot for spring, moo-moo mannia. or in the 70s pol pot's misconnections page
cambodian paranoid genocideo lover seeks educated city dweller for long walks, beautiful sunsets, no fatties. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and the thing itself is a piece of crap. basically saying blah, blah, blah, don't attack our buddies in syria, the world wouldn't like it, it might be bad for you. but what really scrambled my fabrege egg is how putin ends it by questioning the one thing i liked about obama's syria speech. putin writes, i would rather disagree with the case he made on american exceptionalism. facing that the united states policy is what makes america different, it's what makes us exceptional it is extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional. [bleep] you. (cheers and applause)
vlad! thinking you are exceptional. thinking are you exceptional is not extremely dangerous. it's exceptionally dangerous. folks, i was on the fence before this but now it's clear we've got to bomb syria. i mean massive air strikes and just o to stick it to putin i say we use lesbian pilots flying the enola gay. we'll beack. back.
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an intelligence analyst whose work at both the cia and the fbi, that means both of his shoes are phones. s please welcome philip mudd. (cheers and applause) thank you for coming on. all right, philip mudd, 25 years in the intelligence world. deputy director of the cia's counterterrorist center from 2003 to 2005 then became the
fbi senior intelligence advisor. and you have a book entitled take down, inside the hunt for al qaeda. >> right. >> stephen: do we really take down al qaeda or should it be called spread out inside the scattering of al qaeda. >> i think if you looked at the adversary we face 12 years ago it bear those resemblance to what we see today. the problem is we don't face the al qaeda group today, we face the rem nantz of a revolution in places like yemen, some ali. the architects are almost gone but the revolution they inspired lives on. >> stephen: are we still in danger? >> i think we are. if you look at home group, people who sit and look at a computer and images from places like gaza, iraq, afghanistan, those kids are inspired by emotion, to say i want to do something about that. now they have an ideaology they attach themselves to and that is called al qaeda. >> stephen: should the cia have boots on the ground or physical intelligence in places or should they be
more watching youtube to see what's inspiring these kids. >> look f you want to understand the way a human being thinks, you need a human informant next to them. you can find out information from the internet, you can find out information from telephone intercepts from e-mails but in the history of time and that history hasn't changed in 2013, you can't beat a human informant. >> stephen: did you ever meet that girl from homeland? (laughter) >> i have-- . >> stephen: stay away from her, she's crazy. have you watched that show. >> i have not seen the show. >> stephen: you haven't? it's so good. >> i gather it's quite goodment i don't own a tv so i don't watch that stuff. >> stephen: do you know that our tvs are spying on us s that why. because i would believe that at this point. would you believe that, that my tv could see me, would you believe that. >> no i wouldn't-- . >> stephen: yes, you would. general petraeus said our microwaves are spying on us. >> nonsense. >> stephen: he's a hero. you just said nonsense about general petraeus. how dare you. american culture has a lot to you ever a.
we have great books, great people, great cafes, great food b 18 down on that list for me is tv. which turns your brain into cotton candy so i decided to years ago, dump it. >> stephen: i got one thing i want to point out to you. we're not on broadway right now. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: tv is selling your book, tv is selling your book right now. you want to amend that in any way? >> no, go read a book. >> stephen: i don't have to, because i have cable. all right, i have somebody read a book to me on cable, all right. you ever heard of the reading rainbow? >> no, i haven't. >> stephen: you haven't heard of the reading rainbow. >> stephen: well, who's the dumby now. how dare you. how dare you, sir. okay, let's talk about syria. you know something about syria, right. >> yes, i do. >> stephen: the bottom line su should go, right. >> yes, correct. >> stephen: the american people don't think so. >> i understand. >> stephen: how can we -- >> you don't care, with.
>> no, i said i understand. >> stephen: oh, i thought you said you don't care. because-- i don't care. okay, they get things wrong. it's our-- it's our goal to lead them, right. >> i think that's right. >> stephen: okay. so why do you think they don't want to go? >> because i think they look at iraq and afghanistan and say too many boys and girls, men and women from this country is died in war and terrorist events and we want out. we've done with this. >> stephen: now i understand you help prepare colin powell's before the u.n. saying there were weapons of pass destruction. >> i came up with the speech and came with him when he gave the spoch. >> stephen: do you think he actually had evidence that there was weches of mass destruction in iraq because people keep pointing to that testimony and going we heard this, they weren't there, that's why we're reluctant to go into syria. >> i think that say red herring. first the u.n. is about to come out and say there from chemical weapons used in syria. so that is a fundamentally different story from iraq. but i would go back to
seeing-- . >> stephen: there are doubts, guys like putin are saying maybe it wasn't the government that did it. >> it is vladimir putin, what the hell he is going to say. >> stephen: he's going to say "new york times", new york files would you please print my ideas with without comment? and they did, so people will read that and believe him. >> no, they're not. >> stephen: yes, they will. have you -- >> i don't think the question wmd. i think the question is a tyrant who has a reckless abandon when he murders innocence. at what point dow draw a line and say we are not just u.s. citizens, we're global citizens. one more thing, history f we think of where we're go to be in 10 or 20 years what are we going to tell our kids, that we didn't have the courage because we were afraid to defend against the murdz of 100,000 innocents. i don't want to be there for that. >> stephen: now when did you leave the intelligence community. >> 2010. >> stephen: 2010. okay, you were going to be given a position, the department of homeland security and questions were raised about your knowledge of enhancing interrogation
and you removed yourself. >> correct. >> stephen: from the nomination process. >> so far you got t that's correct. >> stephen: so far i have got t stop me when i don't have it any more. were you involved in enhanced interrogation and dow believe we should be doing it? >> i was involved and deputy directed the counter ter cyst center that conducted those interrogation techniques and housed al qaeda prisoners. i don't regret what we did then but since thened american people have had the time and the space to debate this issue. and they've said we don't like it and we don't want our security services doing it. so i respect that, the security service in a democratic society served at the will of the people. and the will of the people has spoken. >> stephen: do you think it might swing back, we get attacked again. >> no way, no way. >> stephen: if we get attacked again. >> no way, dude, it's to the going to happen. furthermore f it did the people in my position, and i would do the same f i were them would, say no and if i were were there i would resign, that ain't going happen again. >> stephen: did you ever rendition anybody. >> no, i signed papers to do it, to have people. >> stephen: what is the difference between -- >> i wasn't on the plane.
>> stephen: well-- either was-- neither was president bush. >> so i'm-- if are you asking if i'm responsible for some of that, the answer is yes. >> stephen: all right do you think that was the right thing to do. >> yes. >> stephen: and rendition some of those people to syria? >> i think the answer is yes. i don't-- we rendered a lot of people. >> stephen: any chance we will kill people we renditioned if we bomb over there. >> possibly. >> stephen: thank you for joining me. (applause) philip mudd, the book is takedown, we'll be right back.
show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: wohl come! -- welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we have a program that we have put together tonighting tonight we have with us the man, the myth, the legend, mr. billy crystal is going to be joining us tonight. (cheers and applause) funny man, funny man! we're going right to the international situation. for years now syria has insisted that not only has it not used chemical weapons-- (laughter) -- what you talking about? (laughter) so after a recent chemical weapons incident in syria the united states decided to see if we could bomb the truth out of them. (laughter) somewhere on the way to the munitions depot the plan hit
a snag. russia suggested that perhaps if syria were to give up the chemical weapons it does not have, and wouldn't you know it. >> the u.n. has confirmed to us that the syrian mission here has sent to them a letter in which they ask to acede to join the chemical weapons convention of 1993. the terms of that basically say a country has to get rid of all its stockpiles of chemical weapons. >> jon: oh, oh, you said sarin -- sarin gas, oh, yeah, we have that. (laughter) we thought you said give up your stockpiles of saran wrap. (laughter) we don't have that, we're a tupperware people. (laughter) now while this development puts a crimp in what has been the obama administration's push to rally the nation behind one of those not wars we like to engage in from time to time-- (laughter) the president still on tuesday night interrupted the prime time schedules of every major television
network to walk down i killed bin laden lane-- (laughter) and make the case for american intervention in syria! because going ahead and making the speech even after the russians made that offer, and the syrians accepted it, was the best thing to do. not because they had put a deposit down on that time-- (laughter) before momentum swung to a more peaceful resolution. and apparently they can't get their money back. (laughter) the heart of the president's argument was simple. >> my fellow americans, for nearly seven decades the united station has-- united states has been the anchor of global security this has meant doing more than forging international agreements. it has meant encourse-- enforcing them. that's what makes america different, that's what makes us exceptional. >> jon: well-- no. (laughter) >> jon: that and our
sculptures of elvis presley made out of butter. that's something. (laughter) >> jon: not a lot of countries have. (laughter) elvis. there you have it. the use of chemical weapons violated international norms. indeed f there is one thing president obama has been clear about is that violation of hallowed international law like the geneva protocol must be pun earned whether it be use of chemical weapons or torture. >> will you appoint a special prosecutor to independently investigate the gravest crimes of the bush administration including torture and warrantless wiretapping. >> i don't believe that anybody is above the law. >> jon: see that even young whippersnapper obama wouldn't even let that go. nobody is above the law and i'm sure that that clip doesn't have any more on it. >> on the other hand-- (laughter) >> go on.
>> on the other hand, i also have a belief that we need to look forward as opposed to looking backwards. >> jon: i mean if looking backwards had any value whatsoever, cars would have rearview mirrors. (laughter) but they-- look, i'm not saying enhanced interrogation is the same as gassing your own people. all i'm saying is that it is tough to make the argument that we have to go to war to always upheld agreed upon norms so soon as when we ourselves played a get out of international norms free card. but if the syrian crisis does end, and by the way, that's the card that i never saw in the monopoly game, that would have-- wouldn't that have been a nice thing to build up on that. if the syrian crisis does end in a diplomatic resolution instead of the boomy kind, at least partial credit has got to go to russian president and shirt allergy survivor-- (laughter)
(cheers and applause) >> jon: mr. vladimir putin. >> putin has emerged as the sort of peacemaker in these negotiations. and the obama administration has cautiously backed his proposal for syria to surrender their chemical weapon stockpiles to international control. >> well, i request understand the caution. the phrase russian peace proposal is not a familiar one. i mean if you run a search on it, google assumes you misspelled it. (laughter) but you know what, what's the harm in giving this plan a go? >> no matter how you spin this it appears that putin really is kind of pulling the strings. >> putin looks like he's winning the day. >> vladimir putin has pretty much outplayed president obama if i can use an old southern term, like a broken banjo. >> he frankly walked all over. >> tossing obama around, i
don't care what you say, like a rag doll. >> putin enjoys beating on obama and obama will always give up the lunch money. >> it seems like this may sound extreme but sort of cass stated the united states. >> jon: oh my god! we have had our balls cut off? ! and we don't have any more lunch money! (laughter) oh no! (cheers and applause) what does everybody over at fox so up set about. apparently it was your bosses idea a year ago. >> this is from about a year ago, mr. ailes says quote putin is angry, he thinks the united states doesn't take him seriously or treat russia as a major player. if i were president, i would get in a room with him and say look, look at the slaughter going on in syria. you can stop it. do it and i'll see to it that you get all the credit. >> jon: but that would make america look weak, you'll have our testicles in a jar, we won't-- we won't have any lunch money.
doesn't that cost us? >> everybody needs dignity and what does it cost? you get what you want, and you give up nothing. >> jon: exactly! ailes knows what he's talking about. and if anybody knows how to profitably negotiate with ego maniacal sociopaths-- (laughter) it's roger ailes. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i'll tell you, however, that was-- i will give you that. that was a pretty low one right there. you know, just getting back, i'm still disoriented. i don't know what i'm doing. sure, put the pictures up, i don't give a [bleep] (laughter) why so serious? (laughter) i'll tell you, however it came about, it seems vladimir putin savered the day. as long as he doesn't arrogantly shove that in our faces i think this fragile new arrangement could work. >> this morning russian president putin is criticizing u.s. policyin
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