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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  September 27, 2013 7:25pm-8:01pm PDT

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>> this is the daily show with jon stewart captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: ladies and gentlemen, my name is jon stewart, big show, robin williams going to be joining us, but first we meet on the cusp of a sea change in u.s. iranian relation. >> iran's new president hasan rouhani touched down in new york. >> rouhani was elected in june as a moderate candidate who advocated improving relations with the international community. >> jon: rouhani is a moderate as well as an accomplished mannedi patinkin impersonator. down in the days of ahmadinejad and the hunt for stereotype of the crazy america-hating anti-semitic wearing jacket wearing president. but how different can this rouhani guy be. >> though iran usually blocks iranians from twitter,
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now rouhani is tweeting. >> the surprising and unprecedented outreach that began with another tweet two weeks ago wishing the world's jews a happy rosh hashanah holiday. (laughter) >> jon: did not see that coming. well that is different, finally iran has reached the same level of tolerance as your local ford dealership. not that rouhani's wiped the whole slate clean. >> let me ask you, president ahmadinejad said the holocaust is a myth. do you agree? >> he's a historian, i'm a politician. >> jon: missed it by that much. here's a tip on the playing of the i'm not a historian card. if someone asking you, president rouhani, do you think the smooth hawley tariff contributed to the depression. you can bring out ot i'm not a historian. but when the question is was
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the holocaust real, i believe the proper response to that would be [bleep] yeah, yeah, it was real. you know what, forget the holocaust, that came out wrong. (laughter) all right, what i mean to say is perhaps what rouhani and obama both in town for the u.n. general assembly our nations can reach some sort of detant, a percentia-stroika, if you-- (laughter) president obama, would you like to make our guest feel welcome. >> iranians have long complained of a history of u.s. interference in their affairs. and of america's role in overthrowing an iranian government during the cold war. >> jon: well, you can't really call iranians complainers for being mad about us overthrowing their government. i mean are you guys still whining about-- that was one coup, one coup! it's like 60 years ago. move on dot rodev.
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maybe rouhani will do better with the term offensive. >> the so-called iranian threat which has been employ odd as an excuse to justify a long-- of crimes and catastrophic practices over the past three decades. the bombing of saddam hussein regime with chemical weapons, supporting the taliban and al qaeda are just two examples of such cat os fees. >> jon: we can go back and forth all day about who supplied arms to saddam hussein and the taliban. maybe it was us -- i'm not a historian. (laughter) all right, a little bit of tension in the room. maybe we're putting too much pressure on you guys. after all you haven't been properly introdusd. let's start way simple greeting. >> will we see a historic handshake between president obama and iran's new president. >> this is perfect. a handshake, the best way to meet someone and show them you're not holding a sword. >> the handshake, it could
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happen. could today be the first time in 34 years that the president of both countries actually shake hands? >> you know, it's a tantalizing prospect. >> tantalizing. fella, it's a handshake, not a hand job. (laughter) so that would be actually quite tantalizing. did they shake things out. should i send them congratulatory pur el or what. >> that handshake that many were anticipating between president obama and the iranian president, well, forget it. in the end they say it was all quote too complicated for rouhani back home. >> oh, too complicated back home. his hands have a fiancee in iran, i get it. come on, man, haven't you heard, this is a different time zone handshakes don't count. for more joined by cnn international relations correspondent jessica williams from the united nations, jess ca, thank you so much for joining us. >> (cheers and applause) >> jon: what does it is a about our relationship with iran that we can't even shake hands? >> it means we're run by
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babies, jon. just [bleep] shake hands. >> jon: all right. >> have you checked in on the world lately? news flash, it's falling part. syria, iran, jesse pateman they're all [bleep] (laughter) >> jon: what does breaking bad have to do with this. >> it holds up a mirror to our society. because when you think about it aren't we all just just breaking bad? >> jon: i see myself as more of a new girl. >> sorry t doesn't matter. jon, we're fever going to solve our problems if these guys can't even agree on the post basic gesture, it's just so petty. i mean, jon, if chris brown and drake could make-- . >> jon: what, no, no. >> yeah. >> jon: they made up. >> yes. >> jon: no, when. >> in vegas this weekend. and they went way further than handshakes, jon, they hugged it out. and if they can go from no-mance to bromance in one
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night why can't obama andrew hani stand a little hand on hand contact. >> jon: by the way we're drake in this right. >> hell yeah, iran is chris brown, yeah. (applause) >> jon: does that make ree hannah israel. >> yes, exactly. exactly. i mean she has the right to exist and all but she does some wacky [bleep]. >> the point is, jon, if those two can settle their hip-hop beef so should we. obama andrew hani didn't even shake hands. just to extend a gesture it doesn't matter how small, like a high five, maybe pound it out. >> jon: fist bump, couple guns, ba boom. >> totally. even a sup would have been okay. >> jon: why is shaking hand so hard. >> i don't know. they consider a chance to gain strategic advantage with biological warfare, lick your hand, give the enemy some cold, hepatitis.
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that's what drake did. >> jon: that's what drake did? >> yeah. >> jon: really? >> i hope so. i hope he didn't just hugist chris brown for no reason. .
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. god, yaweh, adunai. whatever you call the supreme being i think everyone can agree it's the sweet white beard dude that lives in the clouds. how can that be wrong? and that dude has really only two ways of getting his message directly to the people. the pope, god's infallible emissary on earth, god's incredible fallible emissary on earth, the republicans. >> and i think even when
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life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that god intended to happen. >> jon: really? i think even if that situation god's like whoa, whoa, wait a second. i take credit for super bowl wins and latin grammies but i'm going it to go allen smithy on the rape baby thing am now traditionally these two holy conduits have been on the same page. but with the ascension of this new incredibly humble washing the poor's feet, sleep on a convertible sofa, do you need a ride to the airport pope, things might be changing. >> in a blunt interview in the jess out magazine america pope francis says the church cannot be obsessed with the issues that divide it. we cannot insist only on issues related to abortion, gay marriage and the use of contraceptive methods. >> jon: oh, abortion, gay marriage and contraception. what could he be referring to.
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>> republicans are calling the president's new rules on contraception a war on relige is lib ert. >> the amendment that maybe got the most attention is what let same sex couples sponsor their partners. the government say it could kill the bill. >> the government could should down on the issue of abortion. >> the issue of abortion. >> abortion. >> abortion. >> a birth control issue. >> contraceptives. >> i would right now be opposed to gay marriage. >> marriages between one man and one woman. >> the freedom to believe in traditional marriage, that was taught in the bible. >> jon: polygamy-- you know, forget it, by the way, a less humble pope would probably make himself the cover of every month's issue of, you know, that magazine. (laughter) poprah. but back to my main point. here's pope francis talking about poor people.
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the measure of the greatness of the society is found in the way it treats those most in need. those who have nothing apart from their poverty. >> jon: wow. i guess that is one measure of a great society. i mean you could also go by how much you can bench. or the number of twitter followers. but you know, it's a good one. so republicans, the topic is the poor. survey says -- >> the house voted to slash the food stamp program by nearly $40 billion over the next ten years. >> my motivation is only been to introduce the blessing of work to able-bodied people. >> there's been a lot of talk about scripture. and a lot of talk about god's plan. >> god created adam plachltsed him in the garden to work it. work is not a penalty. work is a blessing. >> jon: you know that's so true. it reminded me of the sermon on the mount. consider the lillies.
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they toil not so [bleep] them lazy lillies. with their salomons-- stammens and businessols, those are only the only two parts i remember on flowers but coasting on government issues sun and rain. for some reason god has decided to give one message to the pope, and an entirely different message to the ways he works is so mysterious. now i guess you could say boy, you know, your ideology is rigid and outdated when the head of the organization that just got around to apologizing to gal i will layo shows more flexibility than you but look, are you both god's messengers who is to say one of you is right and one of you is wrong. different interpretations of god's will, as long as there is no fundamental discuss am between this pope and help cans. >> an off-the-cuff comment while visiting one of italy's poorest areas pope
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francis denounced what he called adultery of money and big business. >> oh no, now the [bleep] is on. you better watch it! or we're going to end up invading the vatican. >> we'll be right back
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>> oh, welcome back, my guest tonight one of the best comedians, actors is coming back to the television with a new sitcom for cbs called the crazy
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ones, please welcome back to the program, robin williams. (cheers and applause) >> good night. that's all the time we have. >> jon: how are you? >> i'm good, brother. >> jon: let me say this, and you know i see this with the utmost, not to suggest at any other point in your life you did not look great. but you look like you are in the best shape of your life, my friend. (cheers and applause) >> i have just been riding my bike, it's been pretty sweet. riding my bike in new york is amazing because i ride on the west side bike path. i pass this guy and he said
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way to go, fat ass. yeah, i'm on drug, it's for my prostate. >> jon: you right ride your bike around the city. >> it's wonderful. >> jon: you're a mad man. >> it's wonderful, the greatest way to get around. people go no, that couldn't be mork no. >> jon: have you seen the new, they have the new bikes. >> that you can rent. >> jon: that you can rent but it's people like from belgium that don't know the city and don't have helmets. >> they're like okay, we're going to go now, here we go. and new york will be going get the [bleep] off that bike. >> jon: but i'm amazed that no one has been hurt. >> they're doing wonderfulfully. there really is this thing it works itself out. you see them, even angels are flying by and i'm like please take care. it is basically europeans going how do i get downtown? follow the numbers. the numbers get lower, okay
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where are you, brooklyn, welcome so you are right no helmets. there should be some sort of safety device. >> bubble wrap. >> a small like a little maybe a condom, something fun. >> jon: don't you think new yorkers they're just like it's so hard every day not to just go-- you know what i mean, like uh. >> i ride my bike in l.a. that is where it gets crazy. i will be riding, the weird thing i have been living in l.a. now because of the show. i don't do very well, i got stopped by a cop once in l.a. and he gave me a script instead of a ticket. he was like here, mr. williams, how are you. if you don't like this please give it to eddie murphy, thank you. riding a bike in l.a. is dangerous because you will be, all of a sudden, they really do, because everybody, they're all talking and texting and you just have to be like-- . >> jon: but you're for real. you take this very seriously. you have done bike treks, like you've done like two weeks going across continents. >> no, no, i'm not that
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serious jooz. >> jon: really? didn't you train with the guy who won the tour de france greg lamond or something like that, a and road with him. >> i rode with him one time and i used to ride with lance in the old days. >> jon: oh, really. >> used to ride behind the unibalancer. >> jon: did you really, you rode with lance armstrong. >> i rode with him once but he would be on the phone, he would be doing other stuff. he's hand free. i'm like you bastard. >> jon: but he tears it up. what is this, you are back doing a series. >> yes. >> jon: in l.a.. >> why? >> it's a job, brother. it's a job but also david e kelly. i had a meeting with him. he's unbelievable. a wonderful guy to work with and he's a tough laugh though. he doesn't laugh as much. you will do something really funny and this is all you get, ha. >> jon: nothing. >> like you know, ha, ha, that's like a standing
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ovation but he's a great writer and i thought okay i will take a shot with you and give it a go. >> jon: is it hard, with a guy like that i think that's probably hard. >> when i did morning and mindy years ago, you go back 232 years ago when i did morning and mindy. >> jon: 32 -- >> i thought it was tape back then there are only three networks and the only thing that was wired was me. i was on everything but skates but it was crazy. >> jon: i know, i know. i know. i've read the story. >> yes, i went to rehab in wine country to keep my options open. (cheers and applause) >> jon: how did you feel now, do you feel like this is the sobriety and the learning that you've done s it a new lease on life, does the brain, were you worried, i remember when i quit doing drugs and smoking. >> you remember that now. >> jon: yes, i do. but i remember being very
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fearful that i would lose my ability to work, to be funny or to write, that i thought that they were somehow-- connected. >> i think there is like a higher part, also a lower power. there is the lower power that goes text that girl, would you, and show her pictures of your junk, it's okay. yeah. she's not going to share that with anybody. and the same you know, you need this, come on now, i was up in alaska and i had been sober for 20 years and all of a sudden i walked in a store and saw a little bottle of jack daniels, i want that will be fine, that will be okay. the moment hi the first sip it was like-- welcome back, [bleep]. a week later i was walking down the street with ten little bottles of jack daniels. i sounded like a [bleep] wind chime. it was like, and i got
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really, i got down so quick, so-- i went right to blackouts, a misnomer, they call it blackout os, it's not. it's like sleep walking with activity. your brain is going we're going to do stuff you're not going to know. you wake up in a small field going where am i. feed me. it's crazy but i think that's the illusion. you come through it and be like yes, you can krot better, you can get back into it, the main op rattive word is fear. like you said, the fear is there and you're trying to overcome it with that but if you can deal with the fear and realize-- some of it is real, some of it isn't and then come through that, you get deep, deep-- . >> jon: and will lifestyle is so conducive to that because we are generally board individuals and we're working 40 minutes a night in winnipeg for two straight weeks. no. that is -- >> don't make them angry, they're canadian.
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canada you're the nicest country in the world, you're like a sweet apartment over a meth lab. it's like-- but it is-- . >> jon: so during the day you don't have anything to do with yourself and you think like i bet coy make a crack pipe, you know what i mean. it's like hey, why don't we have a project. >> when did your voice have activities. i'm making a crack pipe. >> jon: you send to camp and see what happens. i'm so delighted for you. and i'm so excited to see it. >> you too, can i tell them what you showed me. >> jon: well, yeah, we were looking. >> i just saw a movie that my brotherman directed. >> jon: we were looking at it in the back. >> yeah, boss. >> jon: it's getting there. it's good to see you, man. the crazy once, thursday at 9:00 on cbs. the great robin williams, ladies and gentlemen. /
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>> nass's our show, join us next week at 11:00 when my cold should be gone. here it, your moment of zen. >> i call them the blue mass republicans. >> in reference to breaking bad. the point is that they're obsessed with purity. they're obsessed with the purity of their views. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tosh.o features videos from
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the internet and is for a mature audience. enjoy. >> hey, 40 seconds? >> 45 now. [beep] [ applause ] >> oh, rock beats -- what's beats that? chris rock. welcome to tosh.o. tonight a philly taze fan gets a redemption. now take me back to fern gully. [beep] >> see, i was kind of hoping the rope would be too long.
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can't we just fast forward to the part where he cuts his arm off. the key to winning a dunk contest is not dying. >> i hate to be a dick but -- [laughing] >> he's on fire. that's just what happens when you score three unanswered baskets. [laughing] >> sure, but how is his mid range jumper. a mob of white kids around a fire in texas is the best way to cope black people from entering your dunk contest. that reminds me of the time i lit a trashcan on fire.
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>> this is for not accepting bert and ernie's alternative lifestyle. brought to you by the letter f for go [beep] yourself. you're next snuflupolous. the only way to improv life for the homeless ... the al qaeda day care program is very nurturing. please welcome the muslim globe trotters. ♪ >> oh f they drop him that baby gets to bang 40 virgins. his mom would not like this if she was allowed to sk have opinions. mix up, let's see a bounce pass. this next guy should of been more careful when he used a hammer. >> oh, looks like that little piggy went to live with the

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