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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 16, 2013 7:00pm-7:31pm PDT

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feel like joshua an we're going to tear down the walls of injury cotonight. now nation, it is day three of the government shutdown and it is a critical moment in our nation's history. and not just because yogurt left by furloughed federal workers are passing their expiration date. now it's also because yesterday the president invited congressional leaders from both sides to the white house. >> i have to tell you, speaker boehner just came out even though it was a relatively long meeting, over an hour, and basically said there was no progress. >> both sides emerging with no deal and no signs of progress. >> no progress by all accounts. that's the only thing that they have actually agreed on. >> stephen: that's right, the only thing they've actually agreed on was that they made no progress. (laughter) but that agreement is itself progress. so the only thing they agreed on was wrong and now we are he back to square one. now folks, republicans don't want to shut the government
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down. they want to end this stalemate and get back to the important work of crippling the government. (laughter) but president barack obama refuses to compromise. >> i haven't been willing to negotiate and i will not negotiate. >> i said this before. i'm going to repeat it. there will be no negotiations over this. let me repeat. i will not negotiate-- . >> stephen: he will not negotiate? when did that start? evidently, obamacare covered ball transplants. so the two parties are at a stalemate but luckily the gop has one of the stalest mates of all, indiana congressman mar long constitutesman. he told the washington examiner, quote, we're to the going to be disrespected. we have to get something out of this. and i don't even know what that is. (laughter) there you have it, mr. president. (cheers and applause)
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a clear signal of what obama needs to offer. something. (laughter) just tell republicans if they agree to end this impasse they can get whatever is in this secret mystery box. i mean, what could it be? the complete dismantling of obamacare, the keystone xl pipe-line or is it a lovely dinette set qurt see of providehill. act now, republicans and the president will throw in whatever is hine this curtain-- behind this curtain. (cheers and applause) think about it. now, folks. apparently there is one downside to defunding the entire federal government. jim? >> imagine the wedding of your dreams completely ruined because of congress.
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>> the government says it's working with 24 couples who were planning october wedding events at national monuments. couples have been informed those events can't take place if the government stays shut down. >> mike and mila were scheduled to get married this saturday before the shutdown closed their memorial and cancelled their plans. >> well, my first idea was to jump the fence and just do it anyway but she can't jump a fence in a wedding dress and i don't want to be arrested on my wedding day. >> though if you were arrested on your wedding day you would save a bundle on the wedding photographer. (laughter) you see, folks-- with national parks shuttered, hundreds of couples have had to cancel their wedding. now i'm 100% in favor of the shutdown. but i feel bad for mike and myelin, their story is causing a shutdown in-- well, nation, you know, i promised you on night one of the shutdown that as leader of the colbert nation and earl lord of the afterscape i would provide all cancelled
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government services. and that includes weddings. now i don't usually advertise this, folks, but i am actually an order answered minister-- or drain-- ordained minister of the american marriage ministry, all right. (cheers and applause) this is the most prestigious ministry certification you can get on-line while also being on the toilet. so i got to ask, what do you think, nation, do you believe that love is bigger than this shutdown? (cheers and applause) do you believe-- do you believe i should marry mike and myelin on my show! >> yeah! well then the nation has spoken. jimmy, we're having a wedding! (cheers and applause) >> government shutdown wedding of the century.
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friends, family, nation, we come together tonight for the marriage of mike and myelin. please welcome tonight's groom mike and his groomsmen! (cheers and applause) mike, thank you. good to see you. take your place, right over there. all right. okay. mike, how are you feeling. >> wicked excited. >> stephen: all right. stay frosty, mike, long night. first thing first, guy, bachelor party. let's do this thing. all right, all right. (cheers and applause) ready? bros before hose. let's do it. (cheers and applause) there you go, all right, guys, all right, this is camei, she's a stripper. we don't have time for camei, thank you so much, sorry about that. all right. who is the best man. >> he couldn't make it. >> stephen: no problem. i got a celebrity to stand in, he was available, thanks to the furloughs at the park
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service, please welcome smokey the bear. good to see you. all right, all right. now mike, very important, very important mike, which now shut down government facility would you like to have had your wedding at? the jefferson memorial? the grand canyon, the international space station or the centers for disease control? (laughter) important decision. >> really tough one but it's going to be the jefferson that is where our first date was. >> stephen: big spender. now ladies and gentlemen, let's bring in the bridesmaids. (cheers and applause) hey girls. hey? hi. you look fantastic. all right, all right, ladies.
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first thing's first. the bachelorette party, shot, shot, shot. ready? hose before broses, there you go. there you go. all right, now it's time for your-- there you go. it's time for your stripper (cheers and applause) >> okay. cool it down, cool it down. now ladies it's a family show. ladies and gentlemen, it is time for our ring bearer. christopher? great job, great job. say hello to christopher, are you ready?
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are you ready? all right, shot, shot, let's do this thing. all right there we go. all right there you go, christopher, all right, all right, come on, let's do it. all right, great, all right. good job. (cheers and applause) good job. now ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been waiting for. all eyes for myelin lee, tonight's lovely bride. (cheers and applause)
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she's not coming. the bride's not coming. we'll be right back. i hope yk .
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>> the 2013 government shutdown. wedding of the century. >> stephen: mike, i'll be right back.
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i'll be right back. (cheers and applause) myelin, what's going on girlfriend, are you nervous. >> yeah. >> stephen: listen, if mike is to the right for you we will blow out of here right now and get tattoos, say the word. >> no, no, no, i'm just really nervous about getting married on tv. >> stephen: don't you ruin this for me. this is my special day, okay. i have been dieting for like 15 minutes i'm sorry, i'm sorry, listen, it's going to be fine, you're go stock great, you look lovely, but it doesn't matter everyone's going to be looking at me, okay. >> okay. >> stephen: you ready to do this. >> i'm ready. >> stephen: okay. shots. >> (cheers and applause) >> let's go. (cheers and applause) it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
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it worked. all rise for the honorable bride, juice it. (cheers and applause) please be seated. dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man mike and this woman myelin lee in holy matrimony, before they take their sacred voys first a nondenominational jewish blessing from the star of stage and screen mr. mandy patenkin. (cheers and applause)
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ amen. >> stephen: thank you, mandy. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that was so beautiful, tell me, what does it mean. >> it is a blessing that celebrates new beginnings. >> stephen: like a wedding. >> yes. and like the new season of homeland. (laughter)
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sundays, sundays at 9:00 p.m. only on show time brace yourself mandy, thank you, mandy. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, mandy. now then, dow take mike to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse in sickness and in health until death do you part? >> i do and mike do you do all that same stuff but with the word wife in there? >> i do. >> stephen: ten by the power vested in me by the state of new york and the entire viacom family of entertainment network, i now pronounce you man and wife.
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you may kiss the bride. (cheers and applause) yea, keep going, man. you're married. go for it, all right all right, that's enough, that's enough. and now for the first dance for the happy couple please welcome five time tony award winner audra mcdonald. (cheers and applause) ♪ hey little sister what have you done ♪ ♪ hey little sister ♪ who's the only one ♪ hey little sister who's your ♪ ♪ hey little sister who's the one you want ♪ ♪ hey little sister
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♪ shotgun ♪ it's a nice day ♪ it's nice day for a white wedding ♪ ♪ nice day ♪ take me back home ♪ yeah ♪ there's nothing pure in this world ♪ ♪ there's nothing pure in this world ♪ ♪ left in this world ♪ come on ♪ it's a nice day for a white wedding ♪ ♪ it's nice day ♪ to start again ♪.
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>> stephen: mike and myelin, happy shutdown, everybody. we'll be right backwwwwwwwwwwwww .
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight thinks that americans can better honor our troops. so two magnetic yellow ribbons? please welcome david friningel. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, david, nice to have you back. now good to see you again. >> good to see you. >> the last time you were here, you were here to talk about the good soldiers. >> right. >> your book about being embedded with which group in iraq. >> it was infrant lee battalion during the period of the surge. these guys went over, well, it was considered the lost moment of the war. they were there for 15 months. they got pretty banged up.
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and i wrote that book. then they came home. and they are banged up in different ways so i have written a secretary book about what is happening at home. >> stephen: an it's called thank you for your service. >> yeah. >> stephen: now this is about the wounds that we-- we can't necessarily see rz and they can't see them either which causes great doubts to some of them. so the book, the book is really an end mat look, it's not a policy bock but an intimate look at what the afterwar is. what happens when you come home mentally wounded and try to recover from what you have seen and what you have done. >> stephen: is this sort of trauma that we hear so much about with veterans of iraq and afghan tan, is this new or was this happening in world war ii and the korean war as well. >> well, sure. i mean there are no headlines in this book. it's not like we don't know that war does things to peoplement but these are our wars, our current wars, it's been going on since, well, more than 10 years and -- >> but if world war ii those
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guys who came back, didn't they have a way of dealing with t they would just bottle it up and stuff it down and they would just come out and someone big explosion of rage in 1967 over thanksgiving dinner? that was the ol way to do it, that was the 50see way, the ike way to do it, never talk about your feelings. >> you will be pleased to know that still goes on from these wars as well. there is one part of the book, it is a therapy-- a session in colorado, about 20 guys in there. and the interesting part of that isn't what they are recounting, it's pretty horrible what they've done and what they've been through, but the fact that they all say what was i thinking. what was i thinking when i was doing that kind of thing. and so-- . >> stephen: when they were in the war, what they were thinking. >> yes, what were they thinking that would cause them to act the way they did in the wartime it made perfect sense during the war. but now they're back home and they're considering who they became in wartime and thinking what in the world was that about.
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>> stephen: well, what can the average person, the person who, you know w who is just approaching your book for the first time, perhaps hasn't read the good solders, about what these guys want through in iraq and afghanistan, what can they do to help soldiers. >> well wa, do you think? >> stephen: i don't know, i'm asking you, honest to godding i would to the you have on if i knew. >> well, maybe a starting point is to pay honest attention to what's going on. iraq may be over and afghanistan may be winding down but it's hear, it's going on and i think actual honest attention from people would be a good starting point. >> stephen: honest attention, i need to you help me out here. do you mean like literally dow say thank you for your service. how are you doing? >> i mean how do you start a conversation with anybody. these-- . >> stephen: i generally don't, i generally don't. i'm a famous person, they come talk to me. (laughter) >> how would they start a conversation with you. >> stephen: you're that dude! (laughter) >> pretty good way to start. >> stephen: you're steve car
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rel. -- carell. mr. finkle, thank you so much. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the book is thank you for your service. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: thank you, that's it for the report, everybody. but before we go i want to thank mike, myelin lee, mandy and audra mcdonald for rocking it. here's the good new, audra
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mcdonald had a concert at the library of congress but it got cancelled because of the shutdown. so she is available to sing at your wedding. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, oh, we've got a good one. from the new film "12 years a slave" which is a phenomenal film michael fassbender is joining us tonight. [cheers and applause] it is as always time for our
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continuing coverage of. ♪ -- you know when we built that open i was worried maybe we wouldn't use it enough to justify -- [laughter] -- how much money it was going to cost and now i'm worried that 2013 is is going to be limiting. [ laughter ] a lot of our attention has been focused on the capitol hill and the house republicans but the president is also a player in all of this. what is his mind set with regard to a ceding of republican demands. see if you can read between the lines of his ring and index finger. >> i'm not budging when it comes to the full faith and credit of the united states. i'm going to repeat it. there will be no negotiations

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