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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 28, 2013 9:30am-10:01am PDT

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: hello, everybody. that is our show. i am your new fed chairman! [cheers and applause] join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> this is a rather large basin and here is the -- your heart, normal heart but basically about the size of two fists clamped together like this, maybe a little bit smaller and it's a a. tonight a new way to eat ont. tracheotomies aren't just for breathing anymore. then it's christmas gift season. i know who's been naughty, who's been nice, and thanks to the n.s.a., everything else. ( laughter ) and my guest, a. scott berg, the
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pulitzer prize-winning author with a new biography on woodrow wilson. two million for lincoln, one for wilson. research version developed a breathalyzer for marijuana. and it's already been turned into a bong. this is the "colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us.
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( cheers and applause ) y thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. i don't know what it is. i don't know what it is about this audience. ( cheers and applause ). i don't know what it is about you people, but right now i am fighting a very strong urge to come out there and give you big hugs. ( cheers and applause ) folks, i have to tell you at home. these people smell fantastic. ( applause ) now, nation as a traditionalist who sees the world with commonsense clarity, these days a lot of our value judgments i believe are just plain wrong. for instance, if we really want to help sick kids, why do we make medicine bottles with childproof caps? ( laughter ) am i the only one thinking these things? keep going. yeah. ( laughter ) well, apparently i am not,
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because the viewers are always riding me for answers. for instance, are these letters? let's find out. all right. ( laughter ) here we go. yup. right there. yup, this is one. it says, "stephen, when are you going to do another one of your inbox segments? thanks for asking. right now. ( laughter ) ( applause ). ( cheers ) folks, tonight's feature letter comes to us from stephen c.-- no, sorry, that's who it's addressed to. anyway, the question s, dear stephen, who would win in a fight, a lion or a tiger? please say lion. it's important." timothy daniels, ph.d., age 46. great question, timmy. this is a classic rivalry, one of the few i've never weighed in on. let's look at the facts. lions hunt in paction. they're used to gang fights. while tigers are solitary, hunting alone. i always put my money on the
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drifter, whether it's big cats or bong fights. that's a clear advantage to the tiger. when it comes to size you might think the lion would win because they're huge, the second largest member of the cat family. you know who's first? ( bleep ) tigers. ( laughter ) ( applause ) lions, lions, folks, lions can weigh up to 550 pounds while tigers have weigh up to 800. but they don't look it because the vertical stripes are slimming. ( laughter ) now, both lions and tigers have tails, so that's a wash. but the tiger's life span is 10 to 15 years, while the lion's is a mere 10 to 14 years. ( laughter ) so if it comes down to it, the tiger can just wait the lion out. now, both have been turned into cartoon characters, so that's a tie. by the way, it's okay when they call each other tiger, but you should not. ( applause ) not cool.
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please. ( cheers and applause ) but tigers have almost twice the bite force, they're much faster, so clearly it's no contest. if a lion fought a tiger, tiger would win paws down. they've got the size, they've got strength, they've got the stripes. and now they've got the colbert bump. ( applause ) beside, tim, you have ever heardave cowardly tyinger? no. ( laughter ) sorry, lion, you may be king of the jungle, but tigers are king of wherever tigers live. cereal aisle? i don't know. that's for tiger versus lion. now tiger woods versus lion-el richie. that's a whole other segment of "the inbox." ( cheers and applause ) folks, they say you can't make an omelet without breaking a few
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eggs. i say they've never tried my western scrunch scrambler. this is thought for food. you know, i'm always on the lookout for innovations and fast foods. that's why i was so excited by this new concept in eating quickly. >> what's that? >> kfsk go-cup. >> that looks better than this. >> 10-31 in progress. >> you take this. >> stephen: chicken and fries together in a cup? this is going to revolutionize the way i eat meet. if you're wondering what a "10-31 in progress means" the california highway patrol says it's an attempted suicide.
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which-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) we looked it up. we looked it up. which, intentally, is how the u.s.d.a. classifies the go-cup. ( laughter ) ( applause ) brubut as excited asthis ad madw potato and poultry big gulp, the k.f.c. sales department has nothing on the integrate the marketing geniuses at fox news. >> k.f.c. releasing go-cups holding the entire combo meals, chicken and fries in easy reach. good idea. >> revolutionary cup is made to fit inside your car's cup holder. >> stephen: and the fox and friends product placement did not stop there. they were joined on the comfy couch by a talking drummed stick. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, the go-cup is a good idea, but it could be gooder. last time i checked, the cup holder is still an arm's length
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away from the old grub-chute, and it's not like you can put the go-cup between your legs. that's where the tub of ben & jerry's goes. all the, effective birth control. chills down the swirms. folks, tonight, i am proud to introduce my own better idea, k.f.c.'s wheel meat. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yes. the wheel meat. it's a one-piece circular macro-nugget that mounts snugly on to your steering column. you get two sauces -- hone mustard on the left, and barbecue on the right. and your chicken gets soft through the natural course of turning. and remember, it's hands at 10 and 2, mouth at 12. ( laughter ) when it's time for dejert de-- t
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ram into a telephone pole because your airbag is now apple pie. ( cheers and applause ). next up, as a proud male grocery shopper i'm shocked by a new article in the "wall street journal" the report that men are doing a greater share of the grocery shopping and meal preparation. even more shock-- this is not an article from 1952. ( laughter ) the good-- let's call it news-- is that the food industry is taking notice. >> just how manly is your food? they're injecting testosterone fuel marketing into their brand. >> one of my favorites is powerful yogurt. they felt the yogurt section felt overly female. you can see the bull horns promoting protein. >> stephen: yup, bull's horns. this yogurt is extra manly because evidently it's made from
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bull milk. ( laughter ) ( applause ) very difficult to acquire. but the bull will thank you. ( applause ) powerful yogurt, folks, powerful yogurt is just one of the many products targeted at a new breed of male shoppers that marketers are calling manfluencers. i can tell you, they're very man flewential. they also manfluenced me into thinking manfluence is a word. and the testosterone does not stop with the macho color schemes. marketers are rebranding products with man-friendly names like killer bread, and ultimate hamburger helper. although, this fthey really wanted to bro it up, they'd call it "hamburger shopper." we'll be y
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back.
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as you know, anybody who watches this show is well aware christmas is my favorite holiday. i always get my christmas shopping done early. that way by christmas morning i've completely forgotten what i bought myself. ( laughter ) don't tell me i got me an asparagus steamer. i want to be surprised. also, i am regifting it from an old gift i got me because who wants an aspar bus steamer? the best surprise of all, folks is to be able to get a gift from the famous neiman ( bleep )-- neiman marcus christmas book. known for its lavish gifts past catalogs have featured his and her bowling alley, and a $35,000 dragon topiary. it's the perfect place to find a gift for that perfect who has everything except taste. ( laughter ) this year, this year, folks, there's something for everyone, including my news falcon
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eagleton. the $150,000 falconry companion with transport case, falcon hoodhoods and gold-plated perch including a granite base for indoor use because you're going to want to have your falcons indoors. how else is he going to fetch me the remote? ( laughter ) folks that's not even the best gift in here. >> christmas is three months away now, but neiman marcus, they have already gotten in the holiday spirit praul, you can design your own diamond ring. but not only, that you get to travel to africa to see where this gentlemen actually came from. the cost of that little adventure, $1.9 million. >> stephen: for $1.9 million you goat travel to africa to see where your diamond came, from or for $2 million, you get to not see where it came from. ( laughter ) it's all called the forevermark ultimate diamond experience. and it's described as a once-in-a-lifetime adventure including first-class tickets to
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windhoek, namibia. dinner with the de beers c.e.o. and philippe mellier and time aboard a diamond mining vessel. just like diamonds, the memory of what you witness in namibia will last forever. information i have to admit, $1.9 million may not be within everyone's grasp. luckily, i've teamed up with prescott freshes stones to offer a diamond adventure at half the cost. for just $1 million you can enjoy the colbert u-pick-'em blood diamond experience. ( laughter ) complauz it begins with being whisked away-- ( cheers ) whisked away in the defend night to our exclusive mine in an undisclosed location in the congalese bush where you get the most immersive gem stone experience money can buy. you'll spend all day and night surround by gems. you'll be practically buried in diamonds. plus you'll receive round-the-clock hands-on guidance from our quality assurance team.
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and your kids can join in the fun, too, by exploring our diamond adventure play shafts. there's always more fun down there, kids. just keep digging for it. make no mistake, the colbert u-pick-'em blood diamond experience is so unique, you'll never want to leave-- which is good. we'll be right back. ( applause )
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>> stephen: welcome back,
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everybody. my guest tonight is sitting over there. i should go talk to him. please welcome a. scott berg! ( cheers and applause ) whooo! i'm sorry. i didn't mean to psyche you out there. sometimes they deserve double dips over there. this is a great crowd tonight. sir, you're awe pulitze pulitzer prize-winning author. >> i am. >> stephen: you have written about lindberg and katharine hepburn. you have a new one here. it's called "wilson--" this is woodrow wilson, right? >> it is woodrow wilson. >> stephen: why wilson? were all the good presidents taken at this point? why not polk or buchanan. >> all except the best president. >> stephen: wilson, woodrow wilson. >> i think he's the most influential figure of the 20th century. >> stephen: hitler was very influential, too, sir. was he the best president
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germany ever had? >> some say. >> stephen: some say? really, really, a. scott berg? what does the "a" stand for, adolf? >> "a" stands for andrew. let me tell you abouted with row. this is a man who created a domestic agenda we still live with today, eight-hour work days, women with the vote. >> stephen: of course they had eight-hour work days in 1913. they didn't have 5 hour energy back then. they couldn't hack it like we can now. >> true enough. and all our foreign policy today, for good or for bad, comes from woodrow wilson. >> stephen: how about for the bad? ( laughter ) here's my problem with wilson-- he's a progressive. he is the first great progressive democrat. >> he is, and got elected twice for it. >> stephen: he ran the first time saying he was going to keep us out of world war i. then got re-elected and brought intows world war i. ( laughter ) >> he realized he had to do
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that. >> stephen: uh-huh, he had to lie to the american people. >> he was -- >> stephen: admit, he lied to the american people. >> no, he was telling the truth. >> stephen: see, i'm a kaiser fan. i'm a kaiser fan. seriously. historically germ an-- you're saying that-- you're saying the kaiser should not have respond forward the assassination of franz ferdinand? that's what you're saying? that's appeasement. >> no, no, he should respond. the question was, what should the united states do about it? >> stephen: well the united states went in to fight for the frogs and the limeys. that's what we did. world war ii, great war. world war i, huge mistake. >> well-- well. >> -- >> stephen: and wilson got us in. >> he did get us in. he thought there was a moral component that should be part of american foreign policy. >> stephen: tow destroy germany so hitler would come to power?
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>> negotiate the idea was to look after the little nations and the nation being picked on. and wilson felt that with greatness, such as the united states had, comes a certain amount of responsibility. >> stephen: here's my biggest problem. let's put foreign policy aspiepped let's talk domestic. this is the bastard who started the federal reserve. ( laughter ) who pushed for a graduated income tax. how you can possibly defend a man who started the fed-- which is controlled by the illuminati, and an income tax-- this is the guy who is crippling us with printed money. >> well -- >> stephen: thank you, thank you. a member of the bull moose party still here. ( laughter ). >> woodrow wilson, this is a man who wanted to level the playing dispeeld he thought this was a way to do it. he thought this was a way to make a fairer country. >> stephen: that's called redistribution of wealth. >> it is just that. >> stephen: that's class warfare. >> it is.
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>> stephen: that's class trench warfare. yeah. do you think that was the right thing for him to do? >> the question is not whether i think that. >> stephen: it's your book. it's your book. >> well -- >> stephen: i already said it's not the right thing to do and if you're not saying it is the right thing to do i will win every argument. >> i want readers to come to their own conclusion. >> stephen: what kind of a book is that. >> it's a think for yourself kind of book. >book. >> stephen: a think for yourself kind of book. okay, wilson also tried to get us into the league of nations. >> he did. >> stephen: that's the protolike baby step united nations. >> it is. >> stephen: he was willing to give up american sovereignty, also. >> wouldn't say he wanted to go that far. >> stephen: of course you wouldn't. you liked him. he believed we should be tbhork cons concert with other nations. >> he did. he had a very strange notion that we should all sit down at a table before we go to war and maybe we could stop it before the war breaks out. that was his notion.
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>> stephen: what was this guy's dispeerns before he was president of the united states? >> well, it was academia. he was a college professor and then a college president. >> stephen: ivory tower. >> well, except, even there, he was trying to level the playing field within the ivory tower. he was trying to make it less of an ivory tower. >> stephen: what school did he go it? >> that was princeton university. >> stephen: princeton university. has it leveled out since then. >> every smart man and smart woman. >> stephen: can guto princeton? >> yes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i like your style. what's going to be the lasting legacy of wilson? is there anything in obama that we see from wilson? >> well i think there are a lot of things we see in obama, although i think he could take a few pages out of of the wilson playbook, and that is have more of a conversation with the congress and with the country for that matter. >> stephen: i understand that
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wilson actually put the idea of nationalized health care on the table 100 years ago. >> this was something that first came up. >> stephen: so, really, obamacare is a discussion that started 100 years ago. >> almost every progressive idea came up with woodrow wilson. >> stephen: what was wilson's balmcare web site like? was it any better back in 1913? i think at this point, steam power might be better than what we have. >> i think it worked better, but you know, we're going to get this fixed. i think. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, we shall see. thank you so much. a. scott berg. ( cheers and applause ). the book is "wilson." we'll be right back. ( cheers and a a a a
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's if for the report, everybody. good night. ( cheers captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh