Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 4, 2013 9:30am-10:01am PST

9:30 am
ë bxb$,℠,x >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow at 11:00, here is your moment of zen. >> i'm going to i is a for the last time that the gentlemen on the left be removed and ask the officer to remove. if i see one pore example of that, i will ask you all to be removed.
9:31 am
captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause). >> stephen: boo, boo. khrapbt(audience chanting "step) oh, i love it! welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. all right, folks. folks, i've got to say -- (cheers and applause) i cannot thank you enough. you know, as i sit here -- (cheers and applause) folks, as i sit at my desk night after night, you know it's not easy to do this job. and i want to thank you. your attempt to lift my spirits
9:32 am
are appreciated but in vain. (laughter) i'm just too angry. i mean, maybe if you shouted "i love you steven." (audience complies. ) i don't know. (laughter) maybe if you whispered it. (audience complies) (laughter) folks, but no, no, i'm just -- i'm just too mad about obamacare, folks. (laughter) you see, the rollout has been one disaster after the next. actually, you can't even get to the next disaster, you get an error page that says 404: disaster not found. (laughter) well, folks, today the web site has sunk to new dot-lows. jim? >> we've all become familiar with this smiling woman who has graced the front of the health care web site since its launch. well, check this out, she's gone. >> she's now been replaced
9:33 am
screen right with some handy icons showing you the different ways you can sign up. no word on why the change. >> stephen: i'll tell you why the change-- death panels got her. (laughter) prove me wrong, obama! folks, this affects me very deeply. over the past month, obamacare lady and i grew very close. (laughter) i mean, we had an instant connection until it disconnected me. (laughter) still, we spent a lot of time together loading and buffering and refreshing. i shared more with her than i ever have with a picture of a woman. (laughter) my full name, my yearly income, apartment and/or suite number, i even told her that i'm not pregnant. (laughter) that i know of. (laughter) i've searched everywhere on the internet for her, all across the health care sites, over at the white house site. i even did a stock photo search for "vaguely ethnic smiling
9:34 am
woman." (laughter) nothing. maybe those laughing salad ladies know something. (laughter) why are you laughing? (laughter) how can you eat at a time like this? (laughter) we have to find her, nation. and i have made a composite sketch, okay? if anyone see this is woman -- (laughter). please, please contact me immediately. nation, i don't know about you, but i am so sick and tired of europe with their history and "culture." yeah, they got the sistine chapel, but i say we built the seventeen chapel. (laughter) now they got their nut-hugger jeans in a bunch over the latest revelation from moscow craigslist futon buyer edward snowden. jim? >> german chancellor angela merkel complained directly to president obama today over reports of u.s. spying on her
9:35 am
conversations. >> german officials saying they have received information that the chancellor's cell phone may be monitored by american intelligence. >> an angry merkel says the allegations have left u.s. and europeans relations "severely shaken." >> stephen: oh, big deal. (laughter) merkel should be flattered. someone looked at the chancellor of germany and said "i'd tap that." (cheers and applause) besides, we aren't even doing it, right, white house spokesman jay carney? >> i can tell you that the president assures the chancellor that the united states is not monitoring and will not monitor the communications of the chancellor. >> stephen: kay? (laughter) we are not and will not that takes care of the present and the future and there's no other time periodic think of. >> the u.s. has been listening to merkel's cell phone since
9:36 am
2002. >> stephen: oh, the past? who cares! (laughter) you know what they say about those who forget hisly. i don't and i'm pretty happy about it. (laughter) and even if we did listen in on angie merkel's cell phone, we have a damn good reason. i mean, just ask n.s.a. chief and first attempt by student taxidermist general keith alexander. (laughter) explaining who we are and targeting just who we are targeting with these programs. >> who are they spying on? >> we're going after terrorists with those programs. >> stephen: okay? we're going after terrorists so all we're saying is angela merkel is a terrorist. why doesn't she want us to listen to her phone calls? seems suspicion. she's not the only sauerkraut on our hands. one german, katrin
9:37 am
goring-eckhart, called the alleged spying an unprecedented breach of trust between two countries. unprecedentd? i don't know katrin. (laughter and applause) personally, i think -- i think -- (cheers and applause) i think deutschland deutschland uber reacting and i am not alo alone. >> the fact, is like it or not this is often a reality of real-world politics. >> we spy on foreign leaders, they spy on our leaders or try to. we're better at it perhaps than they are and they don't like it. >> everybody spies on everybody. it's like a marriage in which both spouses pretend the other spouse isn't cheating it's just easier. >> stephen: it's a perfectly healthy relationship. all the allies are screwing around on everybody else. at this point, nato is just one big ass-pile. (laughter) but the merkel jerks out there keep saying ooh, but remember what obama said in his 2008 berlin speech?
9:38 am
>> true partnership and true progress requires constant work and sustained sacrifice. they require allies who will listen to each other, learn from each other, and, most of all, trust each other. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: listen, learn, trust. you know, two out of three ain't bad. (laughter) i just hope the europeans can find in the their hearts to trust us again so they'll start talking about things on the phone that are worth listening to. here to tell me if they ever will is pulitzer prize winning national security correspondent for the "new york times" mark mazzetti. mark, thanks so much for being here. (cheers and applause) good to see you. okay, you are the author of "the c.i.a. secret army and war at the ends of the earth called the way of the knife." so let's talk about this. are we doing this? >> yeah, it seems that certainly the u.s. is doing pretty much most of what has been reported
9:39 am
over the last several months, including as had been reported in the last couple days, the spying on dozens of world leaders that -- and it could be more. >> is that normal? have we been doing this for a long time or is this the sort of thing that obama started? >> i don't think obama started it. i think it was going on before obama. it was clearly going on during president bush. >> stephen: okay, because he says he didn't know it was happening. do we believe that? >> well, it's -- it's hard to imagine the president didn't know all of these leaders' communications had been tapped. >> stephen: the ultimate question is, is obama blameless or clueless? (laughter) >> well, you're seeing real sniping going on between the white house and the n.s.a. about whether the n.s.a. is this rogue organization or whether this was all approved at the highest levels. >> stephen: is it possible there's somebody higher than obama that we don't know about? >> not that i know of, no.
9:40 am
>> stephen: is there anything wrong with doing this? i say big whoop. >> well, is the risk of getting caught worthwhile? >> stephen: it's better to not know what angie merkel is talking about on her cell phone. >> the question is what are you gaining from it? and now that they've been caught what is the damage going to be? some of this is for political -- domestic consumption in germany and france but there does seem to be genuine surprise among these leaders. >> stephen: some of it is for domestic consumption. some of this outrage is just to make people at home feel nice about their leader objecting to us spying on them? >> they can't say they're happy about it so they have to say they're angry about it because there is anger about it. >> stephen: don't the germans sound like they're angry about everything? (laughter) easy for them. >> stephen: . >> we'll have to see what that conversation was between merkel and obama. >> stephen: here's my attitude: the united states has two different types of relationships with countries around the world right now. either you're technologically
9:41 am
advanced for us to spy on everything you're doing, listening to your phone calls, sending you messages through your microwave or you live someplace that's full of sand and rocks and we blow you up with drones. (laughter) so they should be thanking us for not sending over our other technology. (laughter) >> someone should tell her that. >> stephen: exactly. (cheers and applause) but this is a one-way street, right? we spy on them, they don't spy us on, right? >> well, everyone spies pretty much on each other. the united states has a a relationship with a group of english speaking countries where there is a no spying arrangement. >> stephen: there are english speaking countries we don't spy on? >> yes. >> stephen: i can think of one english speaking country we don't spy on. (whispers) >> that's exactly right. >> stephen: we don't have that deal with ourselves yet. what about like france? we spy on them. >> we spy on them; they spy on us. >> stephen: they spy on us? why aren't we bombing the
9:42 am
louvre? i don't understand. (laughter) you're a national security correspondent. does this make your job harder, all these n.s.a. snowden leaks? are people less likely to talk now? >> there has been a succession of leak prosecutions and trying to clamp down on the information reporters get. so over the course of a year, year and a half, it's been harder for national security reporters to do their jobs because of this climate of investigation. >> when you call people up for sources on a national security story do they say "no, mark mazzetti, i'm not interesting in talking to you, i love my country!" click. >> stephen: there is some of that. you have these very strange conversations where people say "whoever's listening to this call let it be known i'm not revealing classified information. >> stephen: whoever's watching this show i'm not revealing classified information. mark mazzetti, thank you so much. "the way of the knife. thank you so much."
9:43 am
9:44 am
9:45 am
9:46 am
(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. folks, we all need a little bit of comfort in our lives and is there anything more comforting than a stuffed animal? as a kid my favorite was a 12-point buck head. (laughter) i took him everywhere, named him stabby. some adults still have their stuffed animals and nation, i've got exciting news for you. >> if you can't go on vacation, maybe your pet can. your pet stuffed animal. yup, a travel company in tokyo is offering vacations for stuffed toys that will cost you anywhere between $20 and $55. why, you say? well, the travel company says people live vicariously through their stuffed animals and when they see their cuddly toys jetting off to somewhere fun it's as if they're traveling. >> stephen: yes, stuffed
9:47 am
animal vacations because nothing light's up a child's face by saying "mr. pigs is going to disneyworld! you stay home." (laughter) and the service is available to americans through the unagi travel answers and france's furry toy tours. sure, some might ask why, but others will ask-- seriously, why? (laughter) but i say why stop at just vacation? if you're an adult sending your stuffed animal on a dream trip, it's safe to assume the rest of your life may also need serious help. (laughter) that's why i'm proud to introduce stephen colbear's lifetime of fur-fillment. for $100 send me your plush toy and watch it as a sees the world on a trip you always meant to take and attend to law school you didn't get into. moves into a downtown loft instead of your parents' garage, marries denice from high school who you never had the guts to
9:48 am
ask out, celebrate as the happy couple welcome their first beanie baby. (laughter) and the rabbit surprises denice with a crib he hand crafted out of reclaimed cyprus from denice's family farm. experience the joy as the rabbit bravely confronts your father about his emotional detachment. (laughter) turns out, his father never showed him the love he needed. and then when denice gets cancer, the rabbit stays by her saoeurbgsd his flush paw holding her hand as she lets go, knowing he did everything in his power to love her. (audience reacts) it was all worth it, even forgiving denice for that affair with brad. he knew the hardest part was not denice's infidelity but his reluctance to forgive. but this stuffed rabbit saw the big picture. he lived an honest life and formed real attachments with living, breathing humans who will not stuffed (bleep)ing
9:49 am
animals. (cheers and applause) that rabbit is twice the man you'll ever be! by the way, he's not coming home. last time i saw him he was headed to haiti to rebuild a hospital. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
9:50 am
9:51 am
9:52 am
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has played an elf, a pirate and now romeo on
9:53 am
broadway. he can act in anything as long as he's wearing tights. please welcome orlando bloom! (cheers and applause) good to see you. what a pleasure, love having you on, man. >> thank you for having me on, man. >> stephen: i'm a huge fan. >> me of you, too, bro. >> stephen: well, thank you very much. i'm going to choose to believe you. >> (laughs) do! i'm an actor, i'm very good at lying. >> stephen: that's all actors do. let's talk elephant in the room. you've got something going on with you right now. we don't have to talk about it. if you want to talk about it, let me know, okay? all i'm going to say is there are a lot of fish in the sea. (cheers and applause) you're a good looking guy. let's move on. right now you're on broadway in "romeo and juliet." >> that's true. >> stephen: now why would you want to do theater? (laughter) you're a goddamn movie star.
9:54 am
(laughter) >> because i'm a glutton for punishment. >> stephen: really. you could spend the rest of your life in a giant green room talking to two ping-pong balls glued to a green stick. so what is it that drew you to doing live theater? you've been part of some blockbusters. >> i have been. because i really wanted to act with other actors as opposed to -- >> stephen: some people. >> i wanted to have flesh and blood in front of me and communicate with them. >> stephen: is it easy for you to do the iambic pentameter? because that's how all you people talk? >> what is that? oh, we're talking about shakespeare. >> stephen: the da-da-da-da -- >> it's like a big safety net, actually, in truth. once you get into that rhythm it's kind of like -- it gives you the groove. >> stephen: did you grow up talking like that over in england. >> i did! >> stephen: mama i'd like some soup today. (laughter) >> please may i have some serial my mom.
9:55 am
mom, please -- >> , that went on too long. >> stephen: you ended with a choky. >> i ended with a choky. i can't belief you got that before me! >> stephen: i just made that up. (laughter) i have to ask you at least one ho *bt question. i sorry. (cheers and applause) just one. now you're legolas, obviously, the son of thranduil in merkwood. now i noticed in the trailer-- that's all i know-- that you might have something something going on we advantage line lily and it seems like you might have a relationship going on. >> but we're talking elf things so it's very profound and unspoken. >> stephen: orlando, you know how you make baby elves, right? (laughter) right? >> they're actually born of the planet, i think. you would tell me, right? >> stephen: they wake up around lake cooivanan. >> i told you!
9:56 am
>> stephen: but legolas isendarin and she's not. >> it's a real problem, it's like "romeo and juliet". the guys and the girls from the wrong side of the tracks. she's the girl from the wrong side of the tracks in this case. >case. >> stephen: or the wrong side of the river. >> probably the wrong side of the river. or the lake or forest. (laughs) (snorts). >> stephen: is this one of those things where you've updated -- >> i just snorted. >> stephen: you did! >> i can do that again for you if you like. >> it's a very el *fen thing to do. >> let's go back to "romeo and juliet". are you updated? are you in tights or is this one of those things where it's -- >> i wear tights under my jeans. (laughter). >> stephen: so it's jeans and i understand you drive a motorcycle. >> i do. >> stephen: is it swords or chain fights. >> it's knives. >> stephen: oh, really? you know what it sounds like?
9:57 am
"west side story." (cheers and applause) you should do that sometime. >> i should have but it didn't have the iambic pentameter and i was missing that. (laughter). >> stephen: you've been part of huge franchises here. obviously "lord of the rings" and "pirates of the caribbeans." all the "of thes" you've been part of. any chance for a sequel on this one? >> it could be, yeah. well, i did go for a -- we did do a little alteration on the end of the play because there was a possibility. because all i do is trilogies. (laughter) trilogies or sequels so when i signed up to do broadway i said the only way i do this is if we agree to change the ending. i have that much power that they said yes. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: even the people who've seen white think they know how it ends they should come on. >> people don't see shakespeare and when they do they don't understand it anyway, that was
9:58 am
my argument. >> stephen: it is really changed? >> yes. >> stephen: (laughs) well, i might actually see it now. because i was going to tell you that i saw it and loved it but it was a lie. i haven't seen it yet. >> well, that was my test. you mean you didn't see it? >> stephen: no, i saw it. no, no, i'm just (bleep)ing with you. i saw it. >> stephen: . >> did you see it or didn't see it? >> >> stephen: i did. >> so you liked the ending. >> stephen: i didn't see it. orlando bloom, "romeo and juliet" like you've never seen it. we'll be right back. (cheers and
9:59 am
10:00 am