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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  November 8, 2013 9:00am-9:36am PST

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. my name tonight patrick stewart is going to be here. he's a good man. [cheers and applause] one of our favorites, patrick stewart. as you know, all week we have been following toronto mayor rob ford as he's been filming -- [laughter] -- filming the footage for what
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we assume will be his forthcoming vh1 behind the music episode. he was riding high as mayor of toronto but how high no one had any idea. [ laughter ] of course, for quite some time rob ford was denying he was a smoker of crack cocaine he recently amended that statement slightly on tuesday. >> yes, i have smoked crack cocaine. >> jon: oh, crack cocaine, i thought you had asked had you tried jack lalaine, or hijacked a plane or if there are any blacks in maine. that's what i thought. my hearing is not good with what all the crack smoking. [ laughter ] now, i am sure that people who love rob ford have tried to make rob ford go to rehab to which he has reapplied again, and this
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is, again, of course, speculation, no, no, no,. [ laughter ] and he has seemingly as mayor survived his crack smoking admission. what is going to test his ability to stay in public office today? >> a brand new video of crack smoking mayor of toronto rob ford. >> (bleep) he dies or i die. (bleep) i'll rip his throat out his eyes out (bleep) (bleep). [ laughter ] >> jon: all right. well -- [laughter] i don't know what he was saying but it clearly looked ike outtakes from "tommy boy." this is where it's going. [laughter] terrible camera work, by the way. has it occurred to mayor rob ford that all these videos of him smoking crack and acting
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crazy are an indication that even his friends are going, no one is going to believe this (bleep). [ laughter ] and he is so like -- it's clear to me now that he smokes crack to calm himself. [ laughter ] >> it be a -- i don't want to stick my (bleep). >> jon: by the way politifact rated that last statement from the mayor true. [ laughter ] the nfl is full of mysteries like why do the players keep getting concussions and what is up with all the concussions and why do they keep developing brain damage later in life? i guess some mysteries aren't meant to he be solved but last week the curtain was pulled back on the miami dolphins locker room exposing the underbelly of rookie hazing. >> suspended richieage cog neato
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after allegations he may have bullied jonathan martin so bad he may have left the team. >> jon: first things first, richie incog neato, come on. that's a name an undercover cop comes up with on the fly one of those police academy movies, me? no i'm richie incog neato. second of all that's a terrible allegation. i imagine the backlash is fierce. >> jonathan mart jane six four 320 pound man. at some point in time you have to stand your ground. >> fud a problem with the way he was treating him he had a funny way of showing it. >> that's things football teams do. >> at this level you are a man. you are not a little boy. >> jon: sorry, when i say backlash i must have meant the one against jonathan martin.
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apparently this dick incog neato was just -- incognito was just funning. dl he do the jock strap itching powder. >> incognito harassed martin with a string of texts. >> what is up you (bleep) blank. i want to blank in your blanking mouth. >> you are still a rookie. i'll kill you. [ laughter ] >> jon: that does seem pretty rough unless of course he really was just saying blank. then it's really just a large man shouting mad libs at you. i'll blank in your -- i need an adjective. i guess that's not -- he was saying he wanted to (bleep) in his mouth? that is bad. a little name calling and some death threats, it's all good.
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>> richie incognito pressured martin to paying $15,000 for a trip to las vegas for a trip martin wasn't even on. >> jon: that is outrageous. if you want to get someone to (bleep) in your mouth in las vegas it costs way more than $15,000 although in the las vegas tradition it's all you can eat. [laughter] yeah! that's right! walk away. [ laughter ] i've clearly crossed the line with you people. so let's just get our bearings here. this incognito dude sounds look an (bleep). how do they defend this? >> if you've been in an nfl
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locker room it's a culture unlike any other. >> it's a culture that exists in football. >> it's a different environment. it's a different way we function and do things. >> jon: oh, by all means carry on. carry on with your death threats and racial slurs, i didn't realize it was your culture. ohh. i will (bleep) in your mouth! look. unless the miami dolphins locker room is 30 miles off shore in international waters you are still subject to united states law and workplace regulation. just because you are cool with football culture doesn't mean anybody is. many say he is a great guy, lots of fun. life of party. check this out. >> (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) mother (bleep). [laughter] >> jon: see! just a simple fun football guy doing some sort of south florida mating dance. [ laughter ] or maybe he is running for mayor
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of toronto. i don't know but -- [cheers and applause] here is the thing, it may be -- what is that? how is that not held up by two by fours. here is the thing. it may be super fun for football culture and super fun for you guys to go to a bar and see your sea cow of a teammate go lou ferigno but for nonabout abehems like this guy in the background just trying not to make eye contact and get the (bleep) away from him this, behavior is terrifying which is probably why you find it so funny. has there ever been a less apt name for a person thanage collnito -- than incognito. you know has hard to tell -- i
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know it's hard to tell where the locker room culture ends and the world begins but here at tds we're here to help with a brand new segment. >> hi there, we're john oliver, jason jones and al. >> we're part of the best (bleep) news team on television. >> we know being part of any team isn't easy. >> no one is saying ms. a place for playful bawnter. >> so cheerful even a churro gobbling mexican like al can understand. >> that's excellent. don't call your coworkers racial slurs but do feel to gently tease your coworkers maybe by implying you've had some sort of relations with a lfd one. >> jason, tell your mom i left my watch on her nightstand last night. [ laughter ] >> i will (bleep) in your mouth and murder you while you
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(bleep) -- >> okay. here we are at the second one don't threat ton murder your coworkers. >> but make no mistakably (bleep) in your mouth. >> my mistake that is a don't. went without saying. do feel free to poke fun at your coworkers fashion sense. >> jason, did you get that tie free in a box of cereal. >> hilarious. very funny. give me $50,000 or i'll (bleep). >> no, jason he will not. >> then i'll (bleep) in his mom -- >> leave my mom out of this. >> no, nowhere can i (bleep) (bleep)? >> anywhere, jason. forget that. the point is don't extort money from your coworkers. i know it's a lot to remember but follow the simple list of do's and don't's and you'll be on your way to a happy work place in no time. >> nice, oliver did you pull it out of your vagina. >> we're done with this bit,
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don't worry. >> what bit? >> back to you, jon. >> jon: thanks, guys. i appreciate it. 'll bwe'll b.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. we turn now to a breaking scandal out of washington, d.c. >> he's one of tea parties
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bigger stars but now senator rand paul stands accused of doing something our third grade teachers would nail us for. >> jon: oh, snap! did he use a magic marker to change clifford the big red dog to clifford the big red (bleep). for the record miss ferguson that crushed. sorry what did he do? >> plagiarism. >> he apparently lifted several lines of his speak directly from wikipedia. >> in the movie gatica in the too distant future eugenics is common -- vincent freeman is conceive and born the old fashioned way without the aid of genetic screening. >> jon: i'm going to pretend here that the thing we're supposed to be concerned about is that rand paul is supposed to
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be warning people -- he's warning the imunt a threat from an ethan hawke movie. they need rookie cops and for one day a year crime is legal and where -- um -- [laughter] days are broken. [ laughter ] and a world -- [laughter] (bleep). where the finest things come from brooklyn and i have no (bleep) idea. i don't know. i never -- how many of these -- all right. a lot of movies i haven't seen yet. as far as plagiarism goes and i'm sure there's a reasonable explanation. >> i think the spoken word shouldn't be held to the same sort of standard that you have
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if you are giving a scientific paper. 98% of my speeches are exthem prain us in. >> jon: that means only 2% of his speeches are plagiarized and most of those are just taylor swift lyrics so really -- [laughter] the problem is it doesn't stop with speeches. >> three pages of rand paul's latest book were directly lifted from conservative think tank documents. another entire section of the same book was lifted nearly word for word from a foshes article. >> a september -- forbes article. >> a september op ed written by paul appears to be lifted from an article that appeared in "the week." >> jon: some are raising questions about his memoir of life as a young black woman in the segregated south. [ laughter ] and it's becoming increasely clear that mr. paul has stolen
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his haircut from 80 he's icon -- 80's icon patrick duffy. you're welcome. at least the rand man is handling the allegations in the appropriate manner. >> i think i'm being unfairly targeted by a bunch of hacks and haters. >> the senator paul told the times to tell you the truth people can think what they want. can i go back to being a doctor any time. if they are tired of me i'll go back to be a doctor and i'll be perfectly content. >> jon: you know what? i'll start my own government where awr will yod to copy off other people. i'll start my own country. i'll call it belgium. i came up with that name, belgup. [ laughter ] .e'll be right -- bel s
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome become. my guest tonight you know him. you love him. you can current be see on broadway in two plays. please we welcome back to the program patrick stewart. [cheers and applause] nice to see you, my friend. >> thank you. [cheers and applause] >> jon: you look fit as a fiddle. >> yeah. >> jon: fit as a fiddle, i say how are you? >> good. been a little under the weather. you can hear it still many my voice but the show goes on, jon.
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>> jon: it adds resonance. >> thank you. you see -- >> jon: you are beloved. >> he have an 'em em pathic audience. an idea occurred to me because you used the word funny about some of these politicians we've been looking at rand paul and the guy who toronto. maybe they are not politicians, maybe they areel actually comedians but they have bad script writers. [ laughter ] think about it. >> jon: can i tell you what you just did there professor x? >> i blocked your shot. >> jon: you just blew my (bleep) mind. [cheers and applause] that was nice. can i tell you with a -- >> there is no more by the way. that is it. >> jon: that was fine. that will sustain us for a long
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time. >> i'm shot. >> jon: no you are not. two shows at the repertory you should be shot. >> yes. >> jon: here is my thing. you more than almost any of the other actors, people in public, seem to enjoy life to its fullest. here say photo. i don't know if this is from halloween or what this is -- do we have the photo? [cheers and applause] this is you. now my assumption here is oh, that was from halloween but i don't know that. what is that? >> i could have been in toronto wearing that last. -- wearing that. [laughter] i need to know do you have a problem with that photograph? >> jon: i love that photograph. that brings me such joy because it looks like it brings you such joy. like, you seem to be so tickled in that. i don't know is that -- were you selected out of that? are you playing -- look it looks
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like hey, let's play restaurant and -- [laughter] and then people just walk by and go yeah, i'll take that one. >> the thing is people have pointed out that i shouldn't have been pink because if i was pink i was dead. >> jon: who pointed that out? >> a lot of people on twitter pointed that very thing out. if you were a live lobster with a smile on his face he should have been black or gray. >> jon: sure. and if he was six feet tall he should be in a circus. all i get from that picture is pure joy. there are people literally that will see that and saying you are the wrong color for a lip lobster -- live lobster. >> one has to do with my wife who has a great sense of humor. we were going to a halloween party and i explained to her i'm an actor. we don't put on costumes.
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we leave that to civilians because we spend our days wearing costumes. she sent off. she found this thing online. she sent off for it. she took it out of box and show the it to me. his to put it on. -- his to put it on. -- i had to put it on. >> jon: i love it. >> i have to come clean and say it was a musician friend of hers. >> jon: they are out there, baby. >> who said you've got to put them in the bath. [ laughter ] and we have fun with this. if it makes us laugh we like to share it. >> jon: why not? it's totally joyful. >> that's what i feel in about the guy in cronto. look at the fun. >> jon: i watch that and i know we're going to be laughing. i tape at 6:30 and i have this utter feeling we'll tape at 6:00
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and at 8:00 they'll report mayor rob ford's heart exploded. that guy needs help. >> you are right. i'll make no more rob ford comments. >> jon: let me say this: i will -- [cheers and applause] -- but i will do it with very mixed emotions. >> interesting. >> jon: i want to seesm tell these people about the plays. two fabulous plays doing them with ian mckellan. we could watch you read menus but this is fabulous. >> with ian and billy cruddup and -- two american companies. ian wanted to do waiting for gaddeaun in new york. i wanted to do no man's land and our director said let's put the two plays together. both plays have four male -- why am i holding my hands --
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>> jon: i don't know. but all i can think aboutsome you as a lobster. help me! go see them currently playing at the court theater right here in new york city. you'll have an amazing time. patric
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>> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> all aboard as we reunite the entire cast classic tv show the love boat. but first based on reports incognito called martin the n word, made references to h captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome, welcome, welcome one and all! my friends, my true friends. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! welcome to the report. ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. oh, ladies and gentlemen, after a greeting like that i just want to blow your bagpipe. (laughter)
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folks, i hope you know that when it comes to sexual equality in the workplace i take a backseat to no one except my driver pablo. okay. he's a guy, because if you have seen how women parallel park, huh-uh. but today, folks, i believe that we as a nation crossed an imaginary line that is suddenly all too real. "the colbert report"'s someone on msnbc has more. >> we're watching the senate floor where they just passed the employment nondiscrimination act which provides workplace protection for the lgbt community. >> stephen: you hear that workplace community for the lgbt community. they want to make it illegal for an employer to discriminate against lesbia lesbian-- gays-- (laughter) batman and-- i know this one, i know one, tarta