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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 12, 2013 7:00pm-7:31pm PST

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training the unarmed guards who manned the compound's gates. a second libyan force, an armed militia hired by the state department, was supposed to defend the compound in the event of an attack. >> i was saying these guys are no good, you need to get them out of here. >> you also kept saying "if this place is attacked these guys are not going to stand and fight." >> yeah, i used to say it all the time. in the end i got quite bored of hearing my own voice saying it. >> stephen: damning testimony from the hero who was there the night of the attack. >> morgan jones scaled the 12-foot-high wall of the compound that was still overrun with al qaeda fighters. >> one guy saw me. he -- he just shouted -- i couldn't believe he'd soon me because it was so dark. he started walking towards me. >> and as he was coming closer -- >> as i got closer i just hit him with the butt of the rifle in the face.
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>> and? >> he went down. >> stephen: folks, what more is there to say than benghazi, benghazi, benghazi! (cheers and applause) and i'm not the only one! >> mainstream media outrage over the benghazi terror attacks but it's certainly not new for you out there, our viewers, because the wrenching report on "60 minutes" last night was filled with information fox uncovered months ago. >> i think it's great mainstream media is finally catching up. cbs did this story on benghazi and i see criticism from the left where they go you guys are covering a phony scandal. "60 minutes" doesn't cover phony scandals. >> stephen: yes, another network covered it. that's how you foe fox news' reporting is accurate. (laughter) it's just like their motto "we report, but you should really check with someone else." (laughter and applause) also, cbs should have checked
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with someone else because morgan jones' story turned out to be totally fake. including his name, which is not morgan jones but dylan davies, which actually sounds even more fake. (laughter) in fact, in his incident report to his employer davies wrote he spent most of the night at his benghazi beach side villa nowhere near the embassy. evidently the guy he hit in the face with the butt of his rifle that night was a cab that boy. (laughter) and, god, i hope it was his rifle. (cheers and applause) now cbs knew davies had lied to his employer but believed the heroic version he told them because their sources led them to believe that davies' f.b.i. report was in sync with what he told "60 minutes." or he might have told the f.b.i. that he was the lead singer of 'n sync. it's not clear. (laughter) because later the "new york times" checked with the f.b.i. and davies' f.b.i. testimony is not what he told "60 minutes."
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so cbs news quickly checked its own f.b.i. sources and learned what mr. davies told the f.b.i. differd from what he told us. so cbs fact checked the story but when it turned out to be wrong they fact checked it for reals, y'all! (laughter) and on last night the "60 minutes," lara logan addressed the controversy head on at the very top of the last minute of the show. (laughter) >> we end our broadcast tonight with a correction on a story we reported october 27. we realized we had been misled and it was a mistake to include him in our report. for that, we are very sorry. the most important thing to every person at "60 minutes" is the truth and the truth is we made a mistake. >> stephen: folks, i'm not buying this. cbs is good at journalism. there's only one logical explanation for what really happened here. hillary clinton got to them!
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(laughter) you see, folks, as you well know but i will repeat as often as possible, hillary clinton was secretary of state during the benghazi attacks! i mean, that's her official photo. (laughter) ergo, quid pro quo, am bus brief, she is to blame. and now n.o.w. she's so hungry for power in 2016 that she's somehow convinced "60 minutes" to air this false benghazi apology to discredit their investigation! and we here at the "the colbert report" have now found an eyewitness with startling new details concerning the night of the tragic cbs/benghazi apology. jim? i understand you were a college intern at "60 minutes." (laughter) >> yes. (laughter) >> stephen: and for your own safety, are you using an alias tonight? what is that? >> poncho denews. (laughter). >> stephen: now, poncho, you
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were interning the night all hell broke loose at "60 minutes." >> yes, stephen, i was definitely there that night because i'm an actual human witness. (laughter). >> stephen: tell us what happened, pancho. >> well, i was coming back from getting chewing tobacco for for lesley stahl when i heard explosions of shouting. >> stephen: what did you do next? >> i ran towards it. i scaled the 30-foot wall surrounding the newsroom. (laughter) once i landed, a shadowy figure ran towards me so i knocked him out with the butt of my harpoon gun. (laughter). >> stephen: who was that? >> turns out it was morley safer. (laughter) but then i turned around and i saw -- and i saw -- >> stephen: who did you see? >> it was hillary clinton. (laughter) she was swinging a bike chain and yelling "we're here to kill
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the story! who wants to eat some chain?" (laughter) (applause) then she pistol whipped morley safer. (laughter) which was cruel since he was already unconscious. >> stephen: so it was hillary clinton who made cbs apologize? >> yes! >> stephen: i knew it! anything else? >> yeah, stephen, i have one more exclusive. i'm not really "60 minutes" intern poncho denews. i'm charlie skinner of atlantis cable news channel as profiled in the hbo documentary "the news." (laughter) (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: what? where did that college intern go? >> there was never any intern, stephen! i did it to prove a point that as journalists we are the gatekeepers of truth! we separate right from wrong; fact from fiction, delicate from permanent press! i recall a man who said with great power comes great responsibility. that man was spider-man's uncle. (laughter) and now he's dead! the public needs us to be the watchdogs of democracy. we have a responsibility to criticize our leaders without a proefp, report national secrets without fear of imprisonment. if we violate this contact, this public trust -- >> stephen: how much longer? >> almost done. then we will have a puppet press ofs here, innuendo, hyperbole and nonsense. ding-dong, who is it? it's dominoes! but more importantly it's the throat! delivered hot and crusty or your money back!
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that's the guarantee we make america every night otherwise the world is just crazy bread. (laughter) >> stephen: technically, crazy brett is little cesars. >> it's called poetic license, goddamnit! >> stephen: you're right, the newsroom's charlie skinner. now, if you'll excuse me, there's something i have to do. we end our this part of the show with a correction. in our report tonight, a man named poncho denews claimed he was a "60 minutes" intern and we believed him because he had an i.d. lanyard. (laughter) following the report, the "washington post", the "new york times," and the "tv guide" all reported that he was actually the actor sam waterston star of -- "the plastic dome of norma jean." (cheers and applause) look it up.
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look it up. we checked with our sources at imdb and it turns out we made a mistake. we should not have used him in our report and for that we're very sorry. the most important thing to everyone here at the "the colbert report" is the truth, and the truth is, it's somebody else's fault. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ??]
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody!
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thanks so much, folks. you know as a veteran political journalist i have covered every big contest in the last 15 years. bush v. gore, bush v. kerry, kerry v. predator. (laughter) but as much as i love the political horse race, i am disgusted with my colleagues on the sunday shows. the last presidential election was only a year ago. i can't believe the media is wasting its time speculating on 2016 front-runners. and neither condition k the 2016 front-runner. chris christie appeared on all four sunday shows to talk about how much he didn't want to talk about the presidential race. race.laugh. >> governor, how interested are you in running for president in 2016? >> well, chris, what i'm interested in doing is being the governor of new jersey. what i'm focused on is doing my job in the state of new jersey. i'm the governor of new jersey. for me, i'm the governor of new jersey and my job is to run the state of new jersey. >> stephen: yes, he's just the governor of new jersey. that's why he went on "meet the jersey" "fox news jersey sunday"
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"face the turnpike" and "this new jersey with new jersey new jerseyopolis." (laughter) and i admire how despite all the speculation, christie stays humble about his future by bragging only about his past. >> on governing it's about doing things, accomplishing things, reaching across the aisle and crafting accomplishments. you know, 143, now new private sectors jobs. 143,000 new private sector jobs. 143,000 new private sector jobs. 143000 new private sector jobs. 1423,000 new private sector jobs. 143,000 new private sector jobs. (laughter). >> stephen: wow! 143,000 times seven mentions on t.v. equals -- (laughter)
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(laughter) (cheers and applause) not running for president. frankly, i don't know why these sunday shows won't just leave chris christie alone! i mean, the man has got to focus on governing new jersey with michael j. fox and jimmy fallon! i just hope he has time to record his not running for president robocalls. >> hi, this is chris christie. i'm not running for anything, i'm focused on being governor of new jersey. stop calling me! i don't want to play these sorts of beltway games. speaking of which, boy, somebody needs to change the culture of d.c. christie, 2016. two completely unrelated words. 143,000 jobs. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: okay, cable news? you got the message? i just hope he doesn't have to say that again. but if he does, he's available next sunday. we'll be right back. rs andeers and
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. please welcome peter baker. (cheers and applause) hey, peter, nice to have you on. mr. baker, sir, you are the chief white house correspondent for the "new york times". >> yeah. >> stephen: did you have to shift gears between the bush administration and the obama administration? because you guys were so tough on bush and so in love with obama. (laughter) >> right. that's not what president obama would say. they don't seem to think we're very easy on him. but, look, we cover all president it is same way. we try to be tough but fair and try to find out what's going on. >> let's find out how tough and fair you are because you have a new book called "days of fire: bush and cheney in the white
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house." okay, um, i'm going to draw -- a line right now, okay? i love this man. i love president bush. if i read your book-- and no promises-- if i read your book will i like him more or less? >> i think you'd like president bush. i think if you don't like him you'll see things in there that feed the argument. >> stephen: so it's a book trying to please everyone? >> trying to find a -- (laughter). trying to be a neutral book about two guys nobody feels neutral about so it's a challenge. >> because people don't feel neutral about these two guys. do we have a picture of these two guys on the cover there? there's bush and cheney. do they walk around washington like this? (cheers and applause) is that an actual photo? >> that's an actual photo. that was a day that bush put cheney on the ticket. "time" magazine took that picture but didn't lose. >> this was an actual photo?
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>> yeah! >> stephen: this is like bush saying "you're going to want to deal with me, okay?" this is good cop, robocop. okay, so was he a good president, bottom line? we'll start with the bottom line and work up. >> definitely top 50. (laughter) he did a lot of things that people today appreciate, including democrats. he head the pet far program on aids in africa. medicare part "d" that pays for prescription drug care. obviously iraq sucks a lot of the option out of the room. >> stephen: i'm glad you finished that sentence. (laughter) was he in charge? because the line on these two was that cheney was calling the shots and that my man bush was just a puppet. >> i think that's the surprising thing you learn from this book is in fact the relationship is much more complicated than that.
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cheney was very influential in the beginning but as the term went on the two of them diverged and went in different directions. by the end they were on opposite sides of most of the issues then they had a big fight at the end. >> stephen: they grew apart? >> they were ons on it is sides of iran, north korea, syria, russia, climate change, gun rights, the auto bailout. >> stephen: wait, they were on the opposite sides? so bush was on one side and cheney was on the other about climate change and gun rights and -- when did bush -- was bush gagged? why -- (laughter). why did i not hear anything that i didn't like from bush. >> . >> bush won those fights. >> stephen: he did? where was the gun control bush instituted? >> he didn't do gun control but on the second amendment case before the supreme court the administration put in a middle of-the-road brief that cheney didn't like. he signed on to a different brief saying the second amendment protects the rights to guns and the chief of staff josh bolton went to cheney's chief of staff and said "you can't do
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this anymore." he said, look, khaeubny is the president of the senate and he said if you do that, take your stuff and go up to the hill and work out of there instead of the white house. >> stephen: is that what happened? >> he did not. in the end he let him stay. >> stephen: there's the door, don't let it hit you where the good lord split you." (laughter) were they ever friends? >> they were never friends. i asked jimmy about it. he said they were never buddies. >> stephen: that's heartbreaking! that's like finding out batman and robin weren't gay. (laughter and applause) did they actually fight about anything? >> they did by the end. especially over scooter libby. scooter libby was chief of staff to the vice president. he got convicted in the c.i.a. leak case. cheney thought it was a bogus prosecution. bush said -- cheney said "i think you should pardon him." bush said no. cheney said "you're leaving a good man on the field of battle." on the inauguration day it's
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just bush and obama in the car he says "whatever you do, set a pardon policy early and stick to it. learn how to say no to your vice president." >> the vice president was a hard guy to say no to because he shot people in the face. (laughter) >> yes, but bush did it. >> stephen: i understand that caused friction between two t of two of them when cheney shot a man in the face. (laughter) it was a mistake. why was that a problem for the president? >> they were upset that the vice president didn't put this out at first, didn't disclose it. laura bush heard about it -- >> the vice president didn't have a press conference and go "surprise, i shot someone in the face?" >> even laura bush was jun upse. she heard about it from her secret service agents. caused more frictions between two sides. >> stephen: did cheney ever -- cheney never apologized for shooting everyone in the face. he did. he went on brit hume, eventually. the president -- >> stephen: he shot the president in the face.
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>> he did not shoot the president in the face. >> stephen: i thought the other guy apologized for getting his face in the way of cheney's gun. >> he did. he was very gracious about it. >> stephen: that was nice. i'm not sure build that gracious with my face. peter baker "days of fire." we'll be right back. >> thank you so much. (cheers ause)lause)
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: that's it for "the captioning sponsored by comedy central
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) glk welcome to the "daily show." i'm name is jon stewart. we have a get one for you tonight. author, honorary red sox, doris kearns goodwin will be joining us. let's begin tonight-- ( laughter ) i am the worst segue person in the world. let's begin tonight. let's begin tonight! ( laughter ) i can't figure it out. let's begin tonight with an eye on the media in our new segment meh culpa. one of the most hallowed names in all of journalism is "60 minutes," a show that has for week after week for over 45 minutes brought us 58 minutes of
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hard-hitting groundbreaking investigation into everything from corporate greed and corrupt governance, and two minutes of musings. >> bought 1,000 honey due melons and only three of them were ripe over the years. ( laughter ) >> jon: i think he'd want to be remembered as somebody who was-- a great writer-- ( cheers and applause ) it's almost as if the audience was trained behaviorably to react to something that we-- ( laughter ) exwaish the man clearly could not pick out good produce. my point is this-- last month, it looked like "60 minutes" had done it again, scoring an exclusive interview with an eyewitness to the terrible events in benghazi. >> one guy saw me. he just shouted. i couldn't believe that he'd seen me because it was so dark.