tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central November 15, 2013 1:30am-2:01am PST
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, thank you so. for joining me. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. please. (cheers and applause) i got to say, that taste like greatness. nation, we've all seen the devastation in the philippines caused by typhoon haiyan, it is an unthinkable tragedy and we send our thoughts and prayer to those in need but it is not all we're sending. >> united states military taking significant steps to help typhoon recovery operation. >> u.s.s. george washington is now in the gulf in the area. it brings with it 80 aircraft, 5,000 sailors all ready to deliver food, water and medicine.
>> the u.s. also providing $20 million in immediate aid. >> folks, america takes alot of slack just because we spy on our ali, invade countries on hunches and threaten to tank the global economy as a fund-raising tool. but face it, when the [bleep] goes down the world needs heroes, nobody says thank gods the belgians are here. oh, i hope they brought us some waffles. (laughter) nation, this makes me proud to be an american. to know that my tax dollars are going to help people if i pay taxes. i have an excellent accountant. he said if a shell ter, i think the feel pooens. >> america has put our money where our mouth s the boots on the ground and hads in the air like we just do care. can't say the them thing about so-called superpower china. >> china getting a bit of criticism. they've been in a long-term dispute, a land dispute, but guess what they're only giving $100,000.
>> wow apparently the chinese symbol for crisis is also the one for bite me. seriously, the nation of china pledged only $100,000. i bet the colbert nation could give more than that? what do you people think? (cheers and applause) you know what, you know what? you know what, folks, nation, let's do it. let's outdonate china. to donate $10 to convoy of hope typhoon response efforts just text colbert to 50555, your donation will help bring clean water and food to the victims of typhoon haiyan, let's kick china's ass at being compassionate because we are a brotherhood of man you stingy jerks. get donating, nation. folks, you know, this is no secret. when i need up to the minute news i always turn to the today show. it's the first thing i watch when i wake up around 6:00 p.m.. i tivo it.
well, folks, 1 week ago today, today's al roker and matt lauer boldly went where no news has gone before. >> here we are 1 week into no shave november and this morning we kick it up a notch because this whole thing has been about raising awareness for men's health, things like prostate kanner. and this morning, al, you and i are going to get a prostate screening live on the air. no, no, no, listen, folks, they had to. matt lauer made such a convincing "baywatch" babe on halloween, the network demanded gender confirmation. let's go to the action. >> this is a digital rechtal exam. so you guy goes off. >> we're to the going to show it, the camera will stay out here. >> did it hurt. >> it doesn't hurt at all. and it took 34 seconds. >> yes, 34 seconds. because everyone knows the best medicine is the fastest medicine. that's why you race for the cure. and this doctor samadi chief urologist at lenox hill hospital is a prostate
prompt just look at his bedside manner. >> well, what he doesn't know is that i had to lose five pounds in order to make my finger a little smaller. (laughter) >> stephen: oh, it's well-known that matt lauer is the biggest tight ass if the business. word is-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it's what i understand. it's like a chinese finger trap down there. folks, i got to say, the "today show", well played, gentlemen. it is no accident that they pulled this ground breaking stunt during november sweeps because the "today show" knows what brings in the great ratings. men in their 50s being finger puppeted. well, little known fact, folks, little known facts, i also have a prostate. i just don't brag about it. and in my screens i always tell the doctor forget one finger, use the whole hand. that way i won't have to come back for five years.
called the five finger discount. and folks, i will not be out sweep swepted by the "today show". (applause) >> thank you. known no one has ever applauded for my prostate before. thank you. so nation, scrub up, scrub in, strap on and strap in because i'm about to get my own prostate check in stephen colbert's november sweeps prostacular. jimmy, juice it! >> november sweep prostacular. >> stephen: nation, welcome to the prostacular. gentlemen, bring out the privacy curtain, let's do it, guys. all right.
nation, any newsman can get some old doctor to stick his digital up your analog. but sweeps is all about guest stars. >> did someone say guest stars? (cheers and applause) stars, john lithgow, john, i got to ask you, john, what are you doing here? >> stephen, i'm here to examine your prostate. (laughter) as research for an acting role. >> stephen: oh, what's the play? >> the glass menagerie. (laughter) >> stephen: now folks, that's a guest star. >> guest star, did someone say guest star? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: host of television's katie, television's katie couric.
katie what are you doing here. >> stephen, i'm here to examine your prostate. >> stephen: both of you? i thought-- but i never thought i would say this but i wish i had two prostates. >> well, maybe you do. that's what we're here for. >> stephen: well, i want to thank you both for being here tonight. >> did someone say guest star? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, tectically no, but dan patrick of the grammy award-winning endie rock duo the black kees what are you doing here. >> stephen, a smooth prostate the size of a walnut that's music to our ears. >> stephen: thank you all for coming. but due to the limited capacities of my colon, i can't fit you all in there i'm going to have to make a choice. and tonight's highly dramatic latex glove ceremony. (laughter) i want to thank all of you for going on this journey with me. but only one will be awarded
this latex glove which say symbol of trust and also the actual glove you will use when you check my bum fruit for freshness. so make your final pitch, john lithgow. >> stephen, as star of harrie and the hendersons, i've stood face-to-face with a sasquatch. so whatever you've got going on down there won't frighten me. (laughter) >> stephen: katie couric. >> well, stephen, as you might recall, i made tv history when hi my on-air colonoscopy on the "today show" back in 2000? well, my experience and commitments are unparalleled, plus i just got a manicure. which combines the words man and cure. >> stephen: that's a powerful argument.
black keys,. >> stephen, tonight i want you to think of us as the brown keys. >> stephen: a two man medical team i'm the frontman so i will conduct the exam. >> and i will play the drums and not conduct the exam. >> stephen: you're all so special. any man would be lucky to have you examine their prostate for swelling lumps and or suspicious textures. but of course i have to desid. -- decide. >> stephen: i choose john lithgow. (cheers and applause)
>> what! what! you bitch, he's not even here for the right reasons! >> stephen: come on, pat, let's go check jimmy fallon's prostate. >> stephen: john lithgow. (applause) john lithgow, will you accept this glove? >> it would be my honor. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: jimmy, put up the timer. dr. lithgow, let her rip! start the clock. how's my prostate back there? >> spectacular. smooth as a freshly peeled
lychee. (laughter) but stephen, i do see something strange back here. >> stephen: what is it? >> kittens! (cheers and applause) kittens! >> stephen: stop the timer. 24 seconds, we won! whooo! (cheers and applause) that was the best prostate exam ever. i can't wait to get my next exam during february sweeps. >> in hawaii
abuse has had some negative consequences. >> the bombshell is so bad that even-- how strange is this, ford motor company says it's costing them business. the car company says they're distancing themselves from the mayor. the iconic ford logo was being used by rob ford supporters on t-shirts. the company says the use sun authorized, obviously, and they're now asking shirtmakers to stop using it. >> stephen: big mistake, ford. rob ford could help you reach out to a lucrative new market, because after all there is no product with more customer loyalty than crack. ford apologized last week and i think that should have been the end of it. but apparently the mayor's critics cannot take i smoked crack for an answer. instead they made even more alarming allegations. >> mayor ford was said to be snorting cocaine, drinking vodka and using oxycontin all while entertaining a prostitute in his office. >> drinking and driving also a problem police say. they say that one staff member said that he was in
the car with the mayor when the mayor chugged a mickey of vodka mixed in with some gatorade. >> mayor ford then steps out of the car and proceeds to urinate publicly next to basically an elementary school. >> stephen: o kwan dab, he was just trying to tell kids to stay in school. seriously, kids, stay inside, the mayor's out there. now ford has declared that he is not resigning. even though the toronto city council has asked him to step down it has no legal means to remove ford from office. according to canadian law the on ones with the power to arrest the mayor are the queen and wayne gretzky. but that's it. there it is, mayor ford is done embarrassing toronto in front of the camera. >> the also thing was olivia gondak says i want to eat her [bleep]. i never said in in her life to her. i would never do that i'm happily married. i've got more than enough to eat at home. thank you very much.
news sight, he's got called red if. he has a new book and i haven't read it. please welcome alexis o handian. alexis, good to see you. thanks for coming on. we met a couple times before. >> yes. >> couldn't dress up. >> i see, i sput on a swaket. >> stephen: what is that. >> a sweater jacket. that is how i was told to dress. i'm wise, i listen my girlfriend. >> stephen: now besides being sort of an early internet wonderkin with being co-founder of red t explain what it is. i have explained it on the show before and people that are on it the next day go that is not what red it is. what is red it. >> is a platform for on-line communitites to share links and have discussions about what is new and interesting on the internet. >> stephen: yeah, that's my problem with it. this is my problem with read it. my problem is that there used to be a time when there was a class of cultural case
makers like myself who told you what the most important thing was to read or see today. whereas on read it everybody gets to post and everybody gets a vote, everybody gets to goiay,-- yay, and you know what i say to that? i say oooh. okay. why should everybody get a vote as to what we should all be raebding. that is cultural socialism. >> i like to think of it as a little bit of democracy on-line, the idea that any one of us has a great idea worth sharing or an opinion worth hearing is sort of baked into how that platform works and how this country works. >> but on read it you don't have to be a certain age, you don't have to be a property owner. you don't have to pass a literacy test, all the things we look for in our democracy. >> that's right, we wanted it to be as open as possible. and the hope is more people who otherwise wouldn't have had access now can.
and who can now share their ideas who wouldn't have been able to before. >> stephen: okay, speaking of sharing idea, you are sharing ideas in a new book. it's called without their permission. okay. what is it you are doing without their permission and who is they? >> it is the gatekeepers, it is this idea that on-line we have this thing called permissionless innovation. the idea that anybody with a great idea can share it with the world, whether it is a business or a nonprofit or an art project or activism. and that means we get to surface more ideas and creativity from more people who don't need to go through gatekeepers. >> stephen: don't gatekeepers tell us what is good and bad? >> gatekeepers sometimes get it right. jon stewart had a good choice bringing you on board. >> stephen: i was at the daily show before he was but go ahead. >> stephen: whatever, whatever, that's not a knock, that's just a fact.
>> the hope is with a platform like read it or the internet we get to hear from more people because they otherwise wouldn't have gotten the good fortune of finding the right gatekeeper at the right time. >> stephen: so if i wanted to do an internet start up, what do you do? i know you start and that is where you start, you start on-line. the last thing you did you sell it to google for $4 billion. what do you do in between. how do you get people to fund you on the internet, can you use the internet to fund you on the internet? >> you know it sounds riddick lose but it's a az magazine. with-- we are seeing more and more people like you and me who are going to help their fellow americans with great ideas. >> stephen: that would be you then. >> there are more of these crowd funding platforms that let someone with a great idea to raise funding, kick starter is an on views one. in the last year more money has gone through that for art programs than through the national endure-- endowment of the arts. >> stephen: more dollars. >> more dollars, yes. >> stephen: have we reached the dream of killing the nea?
>> i don't think-- they're not mutually exclusive. i like knowing we get to live in a world where someone who wants to make a choose your own adventure of hamlet can get a book published thanks to the internet and a bferj of people. >> stephen: did that happen. >> it did, it raised over $600,000 for that book. >> stephen: what happens in to hamlet in this time. >> it's something you choose-- you choose whatever adventure you like. you could take d i mean i can't possibly tell you all the options, you have to read the book. but there are many. >> stephen: it's a sad story. >> you can have it turn out better. >> stephen: really, you can have a happy hamlet? >> yes, like ophelia lives and-- is not hiding behind the curtain and all that kind of stuff. >> and what is so exciting. >> stephen: to be or not to be, definitely to be. now without their permission are you right now on a five month bus tour to promote internet entrepreneurship.
>> that's correct. >> stephen: wouldn't there be an easier way to do that say on the internet? >> touche. >> stephen: i don't speak spanish or whatever. >> i wanted an excuse to rent a bus and a t-shirt canon and visit 77 universities across the country because my fellow millennials are the ones who will be able to do all of this amazing stuff. because it is not until i can actually get if front of them and hopefully give them the lecture i wish i had as an undergrad that will galvanize them. >> stephen: what is it, give the lecture, boil it down to ten words what is the thing, because i'm-- us millennials need to hear it. >> all right. you know, on an internet we're all links are created equal. you can take a great idea and you can take all of that ambition and actually reach your maximum potential for being awesome thanks to the open internet. >> stephen: you're a wiseman. alexis ohanian. the book is without their permission. alexis, we'll be be
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