tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central November 19, 2013 1:00am-1:31am PST
"you would like me to be filling "your empty [bleep] with my wieners? where are you going?" i did a children's cartoon show for a long time where i played a cow, which was a lot of fun except i played a male cow with udders. and that [bleep] infuriated people. dweebs would run up to me all the time on the street, "there's no such thing as... a male cow with udders!" all right, thank you so much for coming out tonight, you guys! you've made this wonderful! thank you, thank you! [cheers and applause] enjoy your burrito! [upbeat techno music]
many of you may not know this she's the famed sister of famed cub reporter jimmy olsen. [ laughter ] but first man it's been a rough couple of weeks for broab, months really. his foreign allies are angry with him because we are spying on them. [ laughter ] his domestic allies are angry at him because of incompetent health care rollout. he taped over his wedding video recently. he was trying to record a very special "two broke girls." hello, mr. president, they are all special. [ laughter ] and this weekend was booed at a basketball game. [audience reacts] and now here in my studio or was that something snels. [laughter] to give smu sense of perspective about where things are for the president, this is how a crowd
greeted the crack smoking train wreck of a mayor in toronto on saturday. [cheers and applause] >> jon: you are an idiot! [laughter] and that was before mayor ford's monday adventure. >> we have got some angry exchanges while the meeting was going on the mayor -- [laughter] >> jon: do not get into between me and my crack! [laughter] i will knock you offer. [ laughter ] -- knock you over. [ laughter ] it is hard to overstate what a low point this is in barack obama's presidency. hard to overstate but not impossible. >> president obama now finds himself compared to president george w. bush as in the problems with the health care plan have become president obama's katrina. >> is this obama's katrina
moment. >> president obama's katrina moment. [ laughter ] >> jon: hurricane katrina? i believe we've all seen the damning photos of presidential flyover surviving the human suffering of the healthcare.gov web site from a safe distance. i'm not trying to polish the dot terd that is healthcare.gov but comparing the government abdication of responsibility during hurricane katrina, death of hundreds of people, the displacement of hundreds of thousands of people to a bleeb (bleep) web site is offensive apparently to the people in charge during hurricane katrina. >> katrina was a real after but we also had jurisdictional challenges because we had a mayor. we had a governor of louisiana that was a challenge to work
with. >> that is andy card saying it's not fair to president bush to compare the healthcare.gov rollout to katrina because during katrina bush didn't get the cooperation of louisiana governor the way obama gets it now. >> nobody is going to bully louisiana into joining part of obamacare. >> jon: bullying? the feds were going to pay for it? how was that bully something in a foureyes you need to see an ophthalmologist so we can cover that that's not only reason the comparison is unfair to george w. bush. >> george bush didn't invent a hurricane. >> crean yafs one region though -- katrina was one region. >> lord knows you saw how badly our government responded. it began and ended within a week. it could effect people's lives for years to come. >> jon: see how you disapint
our audience. they think you might be out of your (bleep) mind. i mean -- hurricane katrina lasted a week and effective obamacare. spike lee documentary about katrina lasted longer than a week. [cheers and applause] for more insight we go to the best (bleep) news panel jason jones, sam bee and al madrigal. let's talk quickly. i know the web site launch has been rocky but is it fair to compare healthcare.gov to katrina? >> you kind of have to, jon. i mean you can't talk about presidential (bleep) without somehow bringing up george w. bush. he just had so many. it's like talking about rock 'n' roll without bringing up elvis, gotta respect the king. >> jon: can't we find a bush
fiasco that is quite so callous or hyperbolic? >> of course there's guantanamo, my pet goat leek, valerie plame leak. bush left us with presidential terds to choose from. >> i see it as the waterboarding. health care.gov is the towel wrapping around our faces and the board is the failed promise of universal health care. >> jon: ah -- well what is the water? >> i don't know, water is water, jon. what am i robert frost. >> obamacare is obama's 2008 financial crisis. it's the perfect 1 to 1. that was bad. this is bad boom done. >> i have to go with the classics i sat the web site is obama's iraq war because when i think glitchy web site the first thing that comes to my mind is decade long wars started under
false pretenses. [ laughter ] and we all remember that press conference. [ laughter ] >> jon: actually that -- if i may, al, that never happened. >> yeah, but it could have. >> jon: all right. if we're looking for a comparison isn't obamacare most like bush's medicare part d program. it was a rollout, flawed a large change in our system but wound up being repaired around working well. >> that say stupid comparison, jon. medicare part d didn't murder anybody. >> jon: but obamacare didn't murder anybody either. >> yet. no one remembers that program. so many tasty terds and you pick the one the raspberry filling thank comparison is your stupid face do the stupid face dance, right? >> jon: i don't know what that -- >> remember, no? that stupid dance you did with the stupid face that was so
[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to the program. [cheers and applause] for yet another installment in the award series gay watch. our first story tonight daughter of the former vice president liz cheney who is running for senate. now may be thinking to yourself that really doesn't sound so gay. [ laughter ] well, as you probably know cheney's sister is both gay and married and recently supporters of liz cheney's senate primary opponent mike enzi decided to make liz cheney choose sides. >> she's been attacked by superpack ads for being in favor of gay marriage. she appears on msnbc to campaign against the marriage amendment. >> jon: oh, my god she appears
on msnbc that's basically the gay bath house of cable news. [laughter] that makes what she said on the network gay squared. [laughter] but that was a chance for liz cheney to have a defining moment to stand up not only for her sister but for equality. >> i do believe it's an issue that has to be left up to the states. i do believe in the traditional definition of marriage. >> jon: you know remember when dick cheney retired and we were worried there wouldn't be a cheney on television saying all of things -- awful things? there lives another. but the cheney's are not alone in facing a bit of fuss these days. >> hallmark's new holiday sweater ornament uses a lyric from deck the halls don we now our fun apparel. they used the word fun to replace the word gay. >> jon: first of all how many
people were sitting around that (bleep) table? second of all this is happening so much like when congress changed the name of the plane that dropped the first atomic bomb on japan so the anola fun less offensive to gay people and way more offensive to japanese people. and if they could drive it home with a tech know beat it would be preshed. >> they explained the word gay had only bun real meaning and they didn't want to leave it open to misinterpretation. ♪ >> jon: so it's about misinterpretation. they didn't want the confusion, you know, they didn't want people confusing the meaning of the sweater. it's like what happened with last year's hallmark holiday sweater ornament i want to (bleep) for christmas. [ laughter ] which as you know it's just that
beloved old english christmas carroll. i believe it went something along the lines of. ♪ i want to suck your (bleep) for christmas ♪ ♪ i want -- [cheers and applause] [laughter] ♪ i want to suck it now ♪ i've been so very good ♪ please by the way -- [cheers and applause] [laughter] [cheers and applause] why stop there hallmark? there's so many other christmas charms open to misinterpretation, yule log, candy canes, stocky stuffers. what about santa going down the chimney? that could mean something else especially if there's a guy
named chimney or what about giving santa milk and cookies what if they misinterpretation thar to the urban dictionary slang for a guy (bleep) in another guy's (bleep) and then they kiss each other and swirl it around? [laughter] what if someone did that to santa? [laughter] what are we talking about? [laughter] still -- i wanted to point out it's a real thing on urban dictionary. it's a real thing and you should have seen the other ones. for the last story tonight we thought we would end with good news. >> gay marriage now the law in hawaii. the governor signed the bill making at low had a state the 15th state plus the district of columbia to allow same-sex
marriage. >> jon: yes! it's great news. [cheers and applause] hawaiian gay marriage. finally hawaii's gay citizens can stand up and say we are deserving of the same dignity as of our fellow citizens because we know there's only one abomination in the state of hawaii and it is their (bleep) disgusting pizza. i mean ham and pineapple. even chicago thinks your pizza is disgusting. just kidding about the pizza thing. we'll be right back. [cheers ause]lause]
[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. wewelcome back. my guest tonight a fine actress is. her new film is called "oldboy." >> apologize for reading your letters. >> you didn't call the police? >> no i didn't. >> why? >> i believe you. >> why? >> i believe that you've been locked up for a long time. >> what if i thought you knew too much reading my letters? what if i felt like i needed to kill you right now? >> then i suppose i would be dead. >> jon: holy (bleep). please we welcome elizabeth ols. [cheers and applause]
how are you? >> i'm good. >> jon: thank you for joining us. >> i'm happy to be here. >> jon: this is an intense film. this is intense -- it's very intense. >> it's very intense. it's very intense to talk about. there's so many secrets. >> jon: we won't talk so much about it. because there's spoiler alerts and everyone dies. let me explain something -- [laughter] i wanted to explain that i want to say this. there's young actors that people worry about. [ laughter ] >> okay. >> jon: because they don't seem like they have common sense. you strike me as the antithesis of that. >> that's nice. my family -- my dad would be really proud about that. [ laughter ] >> jon: do you feel more level headed? it's the way you make choices in your roles? the way you conduct yourself. you watch some of these younger actors and actress ises and think to myself wow that is
going to look really interesting on tmz but you don't project that anyway. >> i hope not. i -- honestly i love going to work. i really love being on a sext i just finished a play. i love doing that. i love the ensemble, i like the team that you create. everything else that comes along with the job is a little odd and i think people deal with it in different ways. and i don't know, i feel -- i feel stable and it's really nice to be at a point in work so young to feel that way, i think. >> jon: right. see that's what i mean. [ laughter ] as i was listening to that whole thing you were talking about, i was like, yeah that makes sense. >> i hope so. >> jon: what is your game olsen? >> people ask you where do you project you are going to be? what your next moves? i don't have moves.
i know what i feel like doing. last time it was a play and i have no interest in doing a play for a little bit. >> jon: the play thing seems more exciting because you have that audience there, the feedback. [cheers and applause] >> yeah. >> jon: that seems like -- [cheers and applause] if i may, typically in theater there's not a lot of hooting. >> no, but we did a lot of educational 11 a.m. matinees for mostly inner city school kids and it was their first experience in a they're and the moment romeo and juliette had innocent kisses there was hooting and hollers. >> jon: how old? >> 7th to 12th grade. >> jon: and 7th, 8th grade you get hooting and hollering. >> an actor entered without a
shirt on because he is a fighter. >> jon: he is built. >> that always got a nice like -- i don't know how to do it but -- [cheers and applause] >> jon: i believe that was it. thank you. >> you know, it's so fun. it was so alive. >> jon: it's exciting. avengers is coming, yes? >> yes. >> jon: and you are scarlet? >> i am. >> jon: one of my favorite characters. >> really? >> jon: i have a nine-year-old boy so don't think this is too weird. >> i have a 29-year-old brother and i don't think he's weird. >> jon: is he still into it? >> every week. >> jon: and the twin brother is seeing this as well? who is quicksilver, do they know yet? >> aaron taylor johnson but i don't know if people from marvel are going to mask me for talking too much. >> jon: does that happen? >> samuel jackson could walk right in who is also in oldboy.
>> jon: is there a rule he has to be in everything? >> i think he has been in almost every spike lee movie. >> jon: is that true? >> he has been 234 a lot of spike's movies. >> jon: how much basketball talk goods on behind the set. >> and games planned when the knicks were visiting. >> jon: did any of the knicks visit the set as well and sit on his sideline and yet (bleep) to him? >> no. >> jon: they don't? >> no, my favorite thing about watching a knicks game is watching the back of spike. >> jon: he goes crazy. >> he coaches. he's a director. i'm an athlete. i grew up playing volleyball. i appreciate the directness of his directing. there's nothing. he doesn't try to dance around the issue. he's a coach. he just tells you what he needs. i love that way. >> jon: is it bruising ever? do you find yourself feeling -- can it be hurtful or is it
something you need? >> i think it's something i like as an actor. my buddy sean dirken who directed marcy mark doctoring he would say i don't believe it. we do would did it again. >> i'm like yeah i know i'm lying. >> jon: you feel the difference. you are not? the sweet spot? >> i totally feel like i'm not telling truth at all. i appreciate that. >> jon: you know when i was acting i also -- lafer laugh i felt that was lying by mostly to myself. [ laughter ] it was very different. [ laughter ] i'm exciting. all good things for you. "oldboy" is in the theaters on november 27. all the blockbusters coming out. elizabeth olsen,body.rybody.
[cheers and applause] >> hey, everybody. thank you for joining us. that's our show. tomorrow night at 11:00 i can't even tell you how excited i am, mr. bill cosby. [cheers and applause] that's a generous audience right there because you know what they don't get to say. here it is your moment of zen. >> is this political correctness gone too far? kevin? >> it doesn't deserve a