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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  December 13, 2013 7:30pm-8:01pm PST

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[laughter] it's the subject of the new segment war on christmas (bleep) getting weird edition. first up. [ laughter ] the general patton of the war on christmas. there's a crazier topic out there. >> remember this classic seinfeld moment. >> out of that a new holiday was born a festivus for the rest of us. >> that's a classic ep said. the ep said was funny but not festivus. >> jon: yes, that episode was funny but not festivus the central comedic part of the episode. not funny. why is it not a holiday for the rest of us. >> a nearly six foot tall festivua festivus pole made of
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beer cans is going to go on display at the florida capital. not kidding. >> jon: who gives a (bleep). can't you just pretend it's a place for the wisemen to tie up the camels. how about that? you are turned about that pole. it's florida. you are lucky there's not a stripper named christmas swinging on it. have you been to florida? i apologize you are upset ynch do i have to drive around with my kids to look for nativity scenes and be like oh, yeah kids there's baby jesus behind the festivus poll made out of -- pole made out of beer cans. it's nuts. [ laughter ] >> jon: yes, that sounds relatively nuts. [laughter] why are you driving around -- [laughter] -- looking for nativity scenes in the car when you could just bring your kids to where you
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work where you put a giant nativity scene out on the plaza. [ laughter ] but as much as i'm used to gretchen's yearly manger danger warnings a little surprised to see megyn kelly going full christmas nothing. >> on they have a piece about santa claus should not be a white person anymore. for all you kids at home, santa is white but people want a black santa. but we're just debating this because santa is what he is but we're debating it because someone wrote about it, kids. [laughter] >> jon: (bleep) just got real. sabta -- santa is just white. and who are you actually talking to? [laughter] children who are sophisticated
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enough to be watching a news channel at 10:00 at night, yet innocent enough to still believe santa claus is real yet racist enough to be freaked out if he isn't white. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] that's such a narrow -- yes, west virginia, there is a santa claus. [laughter] but since we're pretending to debate this, carry on. >> the author seems to have, you know she's african-american and she seems to have real pain at having grown up with this image of a white santa. just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change. >> jon: actually i think that is the official slogan of oppression. [ laughter ] oppression: just because it makes you feel uncomfortable
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doesn't mean it has to change. [cheers and applause] you know what is interest something in that's also the slogan of arby's. [ laughter ] i don't know why we do that they are perfectly nice people and they make perfectly nice food. i don't know why we continue to do this. you may wonder on this news channel they are making assertions of fact about a fictional character. >> santa claus is based on st. nick lus, who was an actually person, a greek bishop and was a white man. you can't take facts and try toll change them to fit a political april agenda or -- agenda or a sensitivity agenda. >> jon: there's so much crazy going on here. i don't have time to deal with a fox pundit saying you can't take
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facts to try to change them to fit a political agenda. even though i can't say that that's how much crazy is going on here. [cheers and applause] she's suggesting you can't arbitrarily change the facts about the real historical st. nicholas who was a white man even though he was from grease which is -- greece which is actually turkey today and that white man lives at the north pole and drives a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer. but you can't change the facts. the real st. nicholas is from a part of the world which is now turkey he probably looked something like this according to research done by the vatican. who exactly is changing the facts to make themselves more comfortable here? actual st. nicholas, well, my
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guess is there would be no christmas if he looked like that dude because he is probably still on the no fly list. [ laughter ] and then things got really weird. >> jesus was a white man, too but you know it's like -- he was an historical figure it's a verifiable fact. >> jon: i'll give that you jesus was an historical figure but you'll get pushback on the white thing. you do know he wasn't born in bethlehem pennsylvania right? we're joined by the senior christmas historical ak racy correspondent jessica williams. merry christmas. >> happy holidays. >> jon: merry, merry christmas. >> happy holidays. the good news is that jesus is white thing is that jews are white now, congratulations, jon.
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>> jon: what about santa? do you feel that santa is -- what about people insisting santa is white? >> santa is white. it's a fact. it's miracle on 34th street not miracle on 134th street. [ laughter ] the only miracle on 134th street is that we get to participate at all. half the time santa skips us on the way downtown just like a taxicab. >> jon: santa is fiction he's not real. >> hey, man, what the hell are you doing? kids, stop crying, santa is real (bleep) and he's really white. really white. >> jon: jessica, if we're talking history here and that's what they are saying we're talking fact and history st. nicholas was from the area of the world that is now turkey. he was no a cherubic wilford
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brimley type. >> that makes us uncomfortable. >> jon: meghan said there's no needle change it. >> she said if i feel uncomfortable then we don't have to change it. if white people are uncomfortable we have to change it. that's how this became this. it works that way for everything like how this becomes this. why people don't want to hear jailhouse rock from somebody who went to jail. real jail is uncomfortable. elvis jail is fun! >> jon: he looked like he was having fun. ♪ ain't nothing by a hounddog >> right. jon, that's how it's done. you fix history and lock that (bleep) down. santa is not black just because a blogger says he was and megyn
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is not black because she spells her name creatively. the moment white men saw a black man with a bag coming down the
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>> jon: welcome back. when a news story falls through the crack, lewis black catches it for a segment we call "back in black." ♪ >> when i was a kid, i was constantly being told the future was going to be awesome. i'd be jumping over helicopters with my jet pack. i'd have glasses that would let me see through girls' dresses and we would all have flying cars that fold up to a briefcase. this was supposed to be my car.
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now it's just a thing that holds my cigarettes and sex toys and i'm all out of cigarettes. [laughter] it's 2013, you think we would be up to our necks in amazing technology but instead this is apparently the best we can do. >> the 3-d printed robot that could be a complete game changer for the whole industry. oh, it can twerk, too. >> omg, it can twerk. well, then i'll take seven of them. i mean yolo, right, kids? now, come on, twerk that hot robot ass. >> can he move for us real quick before we run out of time? ♪ [laughter] >> look, if i want to see something try to dance and fall flat on its face, i don't need a robot, all i need is a fifth of
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scotch, some music and a meric. -- and a mirror. [ laughter ] but maybe the best sign that we're doing a crappy job of innovating is the fact that this is the biggest technology story of the year. >> these are octocopters. they are effectively drones but there's in reason they can't be used as delivery vehicles. >> really, because i can think of eight razor sharp reasons they can't be used as delivery vehicles. oh, good, my new waffle maker is here. ow! my hands. [ laughter ] come on, technology, this is the future that several different doctors told me i wasn't going to live to see. give me something worth waiting for. >> some say it's a new breed of crime fighting machine. >> okay, now we're getting
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somewhere. >> this say -- is a -- it's more of a crime prevention row boston. it eliminates that night watchman duty. >> you even mean the guy in evey movie who fall as sleep on his job? you need a robot for that? i want robo cop and all you are giving me is paul blart, mall, roomba. >> tired of writing thank you letters, why not get a robot to do it for you. >> perfect a robot that does something that people stopped doing 30 years ago. it organized my 8-track collection. clearly the future i was hoping for just has nothing for me. >> according to a pair of new zealand researchers sex robots
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are the future of prostitution. [ applause ] >> on second thought, i might need that robot to write me a thank you note after all.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight the new film is called the hobbit the desolation of smaug. >> that woe it will him cross our bonders and kill our prisoners. >> it's not our fight. >> it is our fight. it will not end here. with every victory this evil will grow f. your father has his
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way, we will be nothing. we will hide within our walls, live our lives away from the light and let darkness effect us. are we not part of this world? tell me when did we let evil become stronger than us. >> jon: you are part of this world. please welcome evangeline lilly. [cheers and applause] a big fan. please, have a seat. enjoy. very, very nice to see you. how are you? >> i'm great. i'm excited about the golden globes. >> jon: yes, congratulations. thanks for all my nominations. >> jon: what happened? i didn't see the golden globes. >> i'm not nominated for (bleep). >> jon: really? >> no, no, i'm excited because this year the leading actress category is all women over 40.
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>> jon: really? has that not happened previously. >> you should be the cliche was an actress over 40 is out of work. >> jon: right. >> and now an actress over 40 is an award nominated top of her game respected damsel. >> jon: have you seen some -- >> i kind of have a crush on cate blanchette. >> jon: when you see jack nicholson in a movie now he's great but it's like look at him acting. you know what i mean but with cate she just inhabits whatever it is she z. is there one you would like to work with, had work with? >> i would like to work -- i did
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a movie with cate and never worked with her for a day. >> jon: did she request that? is that what happened? this woman is talking me. >> i did meet her on the red carpet. >> jon: how was she. >> tiny. she's wee. i thought she was statueesque but she's wee. >> jon: more wee than me? >> it's tough to be more wee than you. >> jon: people meet me sometimes and they think i'm tall and then they meet me and the disappointment in their eyes is often palpable. >> i get the same thing, you know. >> jon: i think you are tall. >> people think i'm larger than i am.
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people always say but you are small. i thought wait, you thought i was fat. >> jon: you get in fights? i just back off. they say i thought you were taller and i was like me, too. i thought i was taller and younger. i'm just going to go, i'm going to walk away. >> walk away. >> jon: how long when you shoot the movies because now there's a few of them how long did you live there? >> i lived there for a year. in nz. i lived there a year. the dwarfs were there for two years. whraf lf. [laughter] >> jon: it's not a phrase you hear a lot. >> i wasn't talking about you. >> jon: i understand. but the dwarfs were there for two years. why did they have to say? was there another movie they were doing or were they being compacted? i don't know how peter jackson works. [ laughter ] i don't know if he is a method guy. [ laughter ] >> have you seen the first film.
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>> jon: did i? >> you loved it, didn't you. >> jon: three times. this one is different. >> how did you think i was in the first film. >> jon: you were not in the first film but i'll tell you this the parts that i saw. i didn't seat first film. >> i wasn't in the first film so you answered correctly. >> jon: here is the thing. i was waiting for -- the whole time i was sitting there like -- but your character is not in the book. i'm more familiar with the book. >> what was your favorite part of the book. >> jon: i like when they find the ring. [ laughter ] i was all like oh, thank god. because i knew they needed it although for a while i was like he is going to get married. i didn't know what he was going to do with it. >> were bilbo and gollum going to tie the knot.
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>> jon: settle down. i can understand the elves going for orlando bloom but why not gimley? >> he has a wife and child and both have a lot of facial hair. >> jon: really? i haven't seen gimley's christmas card so i didn't realize that's how that went. why can't elves and dwarfs -- they can be friends but why can't they? >> i don't know the anatomy of it all and how that works and fits together but my character -- >> jon: you have a kid? >> not an elf dwarf kid. >> jon: you know the anatomy. >> the anatomy of a human being but the elf dwarf anatomy but i know my character my test the boundaries of that and anya tom
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call danatomical boundaries. it might. >> jon: in this film you bang a dwarf? this one i'm going to. [ laughter ] the hobbit is in the theaters it
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[cheers and applause] jorveg that's our show. join us all next week at 11:00. here it is your -- join us all next week at 11:00. here it is your moment zen. ♪
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( owl hooting ) ( loud snoring ) ( alarm clock ringing ) hey! ( alarm stops ) fry, mon, if you're going to be living in the office you could at least be on time for work. i'm sorry. i was up really late poking through people's desks. all right, people i will now outline today's 12-point agenda. we'll begin with point one... ( clattering ) ...concerning our pest problem. somebody's been leaving food around and it's attracting owls. and i, for one, am getting tired of cleaning those owl traps. ( metal snapping ) ( high-pitched hoot ) now... as this shocking graph indicates