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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 17, 2013 11:30pm-12:01am PST

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jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> with me tonight exclusively not one, not two but four santas. one black, one latino and one >> stephen: tonight america is losing the space race but we're winning the rhyme climb. then a new way to get kids into the tea party. have them age 60 years. and my guest garry trudeau has a new comedy series about republican senators living together. it's like new girl but old man. george zimmerman is auction a original painting for a hundred
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thousand dollars. man, this guy is get ago way with murder. this is the "colbert report" captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: welcome! [cheers and applause] >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, so much for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you. you know i, i, i, i know the feeling. [laughing] >> stephen: we here just three
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day as way from our two week winter break to celebrate christmas. it's my favorite time of the year other than our two week july break to celebrate christmas. oh frostee the daiquiri makes me giggle and then fight. i would like nothing more than to chug this car on of eggnog while you watch "santa claus 2". [cheers and applause] tpaoefplt tha>> stephen: that ie of argument not alcoholic. unfortunately, folks, news happens. >> 6 months after eduard snowden revealed to the world the federal judge ruled the nsa program that sweeps up american phone records is likely unconstitutional. >> stephen: way to go. thanks to you, the terrorist knows that nsa spying violates the constitution. by the way, who leaked that. [laughing] >> stephen: i just hope the
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terrorists don't find the treasure map on the back. folks, snowden's reign of information is only getting started. after a few months enjoying the unlimited intellectual freedom of russia he's ready for a new place to take a leak. >> eric snoweden wrote a open letter to the brazilian people. he said he would be willing to help brazilian government investigate u.s. spying on their soil but only if granted political asylum. >> stephen: ya. ya, ya. this face here. this. how convenient, ed. just as winter closes in on moscow you suddenly have information that can only be leaked to rio de janeiro. brazil, do not give this trait or asylum. instead give it to me.
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i have two weeks of asylum coming up. i promise to assist you in investigating nsa surveillance if you grant me refuge at the hotel i nannai at pernambuco. did you know the nsa may of hidden a microphone in the giant jesus statue. think about it think about it. they say you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. this is why i read every page of "hitler was right." i could of just gone with the cover on that one. alert, hitler was wrong. tip of the hat, wag of the finger. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: all china edition. folks, as a news man it's my job
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to deliver you up to the minute weather every eight years. i call it weather on the ones. i'm only doing it once. let's get to it. this week's forecast calls for in door temps of 6°. outdoor significantly warmer or colder depending where you live. check your local papers. that was the weather on the ones. of course the biggest weather news is from the grey patch where china should be. >> take a look at. this you can't see much. it's shanghai, china. >> hundreds of flights were canceled or delayed. schools closed, residents urged to stay in doors and stabgt raoez stop production. >> air quality levels reach 40 times the safe lift recommended by the world health coring anyization. >> stephen: folks you can see the great wall of china from space but now you can't see the great wall of china from china. in response chinese authorities
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have taken drastic actions. shanghai announced the pollution standards would loosen to lessen the number of aerts being issued. no, it works. it worked. it's like setting your house on fire then taking the batteries out of the smoke detector so it doesn't wake you up. that's why i'm giving a rare tip of the hat to the chinese government. they went even farther, folks. last week china's government news agency informed the chinese people that smog is actually good for them with a list of five previously unknown benefits. saying it makes people more united. it's a common enemy everywhere in china. it promotes equality. both of rich and poor have to inhale the same polluted air. makes china more aware as a world factory, knowledgeable of pollution and unites them.
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yes, last certificate best medicine especially if you can laugh without inhaling. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. [laughing] [laughing] >> stephen: next on the all china tip wag, north korea. a country that has been led by deranged mad man. like kim il sung who erected a hundred and forty thousand monuments in his honor. there are more posters for kim il sung in korea than america has posters for "anchor man 2" then operation crazy pants ways taken over by him son kim jung-un who defied the west
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testing nuclear weapons. then in 2011 his tiny shoes were filled by his son kim yung-un. some thought un would be unable to complete the family tyrantsy. he has silenced his doubters. >> kim yung-un has sentenced his uncle to death. >> when kim was elected vice president of the central military, his uncle, only clapped half heartedly. >> tragic story. now we know the sound of one hand clapping. clearly -- [laughing] [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: merry christmas, everybody. [laughing] >> stephen: i'm sure his remaining family members are very proud. or they should be if they know what's good for them. finally on the tee dub i love space. especially shooting stars. no matter how many times i fire i never seem to hit any. i should get a step ladder. anyways, folks sinister forces are threatening america dominants. >> china is the third nation to carry out a soft landing on the moon. the pictures are the first new images from the moon surface in nearly four decades. >> stephen: china is on the moon. i give a wag of my finger to the moon. forgiving it up so easy. moon, you belong to us. how could you let china soft land on you. is that what you're into now. i thought you were into giant leaps and deep impact or were
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you just faking it? yes, yes we haven't been around since the 1970s. you knew we would be back. we left our car parked at your place. china doesn't love you. the only reason they're going to the moon is because with their pollution it's the only way to see it now.
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, i hope you checked your calendars. there are only 7 shopping days left until christmas. remember it's not too late to get your kids the presents of their dreams. >> ted cruz is featured in a new color book "ted cruz to the future." >> the color book says the cruz to the future is not a endorsement but an educational tool. the publisher says it's a non
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partisan stat driven view on how cruz became a senator. >> stephen: a color book about ted cruz is the number one book on amazon's list of children's coloring books. i know it makes me happy too. people who bought the ted cruz coloring book also brought a kay ole a 64 pack of white crayons and this coloring book, this coloring book -- [cheers and applause] >> stephen: -- has everything kids love from tons of fun text to mentions of partial birth abortions. i'm not surprised really big coloring books public this, they're the same patriots that brought the kids the tea party coloring book for kids and the libertarian party minimum freedom and maximum with john stossel on the coverage. you can color in his mustache,
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kids, like john stossel does. the inside cover states it's a fare and objective review of this real life superhero. like their tribute to ted cruz 24-hour obama care filibuster. they say cruz is clairvoyant and americans believe obama care is less than any war. at least american soldiers have weapons to defend themselves. so true, why aren't americans allowed to shoot their doctors anymore. plus this book has fun activities like connect the dots. i am only half way through. i'm pretty sure it's a t-rex. so really big coloring books, great job. i hope you create more conservative theme kids activities and themes. like connect hillary to ben h&1xqf28
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>> stephen: welcome back e everybody. my guest is a celebrated cartoonist. whose "alpha house" is streaming on amazon. he must draw fast. welcome garry trudeau. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: good to see you, garry. nice to see you again. >> merry christmas. >> merry christmas. stephen: i didn't know how liberal you were? >> i say it. stephen: now everyone knows you as the pulitzer prize winner of tkaopb doonsbury.
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>> that person knows me. stephen: you're doing something beyond a daily comic strip. you have created a show. a live action show called "alpha house." why? you could of sold the rights to something. >> yes. i have worked on theatrical projects. this was inspired by a article in the times about these four senators who shared a house on capitol hill. >> stephen: four senators who lived together, right. who were they. >> chuck schumer my zen toefrplt dick durbab, and george miller. i can't remember the fourth one. i never went to interview them. >> stephen: those guys are democrats. why would you create a show
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about republicans. did you want a older whiter audience? >> first of all i have done a show about democrats. i did a show called "tanner" some years ago on hbo. it was a interesting show about democrats. they were in total disray. >> stephen: is it easier to write about four republicans living together. they're so unified now. it's a clear message for america. >> that much of escaped my attention. it seems like there is a civil war in washington. no, no. >> stephen: they're keeping the powder dry. >> three of four senators elected in pretea party area. they're blind sided taking fire from the right. they don't know how to react to it. >> stephen: on your first episode i had one of your senators on my show. a senator from nevada? >> nevada. stephen: nevada. let's show the clip of "alpha house" here. >> what sport did you play when you were younger?
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>> it was a by the of tennis early on. wrestling. a wrestling in my day. >> i wrestled in high school. you want to throw down. you think we should? [cheers and applause] >> audience: stephen! stephen! [cheers and applause] >> great guest. stephen: he was an exciting guest. very few. i couldn't get chuck to do that with me. >> it backfired on him. he went on the show because most colleagues of his are afraid of the show. >> stephen: they're cowards. >> they don't go toe-to-toe. stephen: how about groin to face. the way you get the show. it's a tv show.
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what tv channel do i watch it on? >> you can't it's streaming video. legally we have to call it streaming video. >> stephen: when do i watch it. what time is it on? >> it's on whenever you want to watch it. >> stephen: okay is it on now. >> it's on now. stephen: i can't i'm interviewing you, i missed it. >> it's on over and over again. stephen: what channel? >> amazon. stephen: i order a tv. >> now enter "alpha house" on amazon. it shows up. the first three episodes are free. >> stephen: what if i'm not there when it's delivered. does the ups leave a tag on the door and we play phone tag for a while? >> no, the show is not delivered to the home. >> stephen: never delivered. i don't get it. >> do i have to explain this. stephen: yes. i go to amazon. >> turn on the compute i comput. stephen: got it. >> get your kid to call up a
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browser. >> stephen: i got one of those. >> right. you type in the word amazon. it takes you right to seattle. >> stephen: okay. i understand what we're talking about. >about. you order it on am a sofpblt how do you indicate this in charades. this -- this is tv. is this it? >> i guess. stephen: i streamed it. >> okay. stephen: people who ordered your show on amazon ordered the ted cruz color book. you can get a package of the. two. >> fantastic combination. stephen: now speaking of the book you have another book -- >> that will pop up. stephen: "squared away" how many years have you been doing doonsbury? >> 43 years. stephen: 43 years. [ applause ] >> stephen: prime number, a good one.
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how many more seasons of this are you going to do? >> seasons of the show? tephen: this show. >> depends on amazon. stephen: is there such thing as ratings on amazon? i think yes. it's in a black box. you don't get to know how it is. it's a hit if they say it's a hit. >> stephen: you don't get to know. >> >> don: stephen: beezos shows up and says give me more. good luck. it's a fantastic show. you have an amazing task. garry trudeau, "the alpha house" click. it will c ê
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>> stephen: oh, beautiful emmy angel. it's been a wonderful year. you have been so good to me. if i had but one prayer it would be to win another emmy next year. >> hey stephen colbert. stephen: allancummings what are you doing here? >> i'm here to meet with cyndi lauper. >> stephen: cyndi lauper what are you doing here? >> well i came to bring you a piano and a piano player for christmas. >> stephen: we should do a song. >> yes, let's. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: hit it. ♪ oh the weather outside is frightful ♪ but the fire is so delightful ♪ and if there is no place to go let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ♪ it doesn't show signs of stopping
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♪ i have the corn for popping ♪ the lights are turned way down low ♪ let it snow ♪ let it snow ♪ let it snow ♪ when we finally say good night ♪ i hate to go out to the storm ♪ if you hold me tight ♪ all the way home i will be warm ♪ the fire is slowly dying ♪ ♪ as long as you love me so ♪ let it know ♪ let it snow ♪ let it snow ♪ let it snow ♪ let it snow ♪ let it snow [cheers and applause] >> stephen: merry christmas, everybody! good night!