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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  February 5, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's it. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> over 1,000 text messages between incognito and martin were obtained. >> meet at my place at 6:00. >> what is your address. >> >> what is america's new o press minority, in theoffice pool, i picked gay inuit. then the obama administration has a breakthrough in new energy, they're hooking biden up to a gerbil wheel am and my guests describe themselves at two girls, two guys and a whole lot of feeling. fine but they're still splitting one cheese plate.
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new york city is running low on road salt. no wonder my commute was so bland. this is the cole bert report captioning sponsored by comedy central . thank you ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: folks, thank you sovp. ladies and gentlemen, i don't say this every night when i go on air. there is no doubt that
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tonight i am in a terrific mood. yes, yes! it's freezing out. yes, dirty slush is everywhere, and yes i had to push a frail woman in front of a salt truck to get a cab (laughter) once again my apologies to doris kearns goodwin. but still i could not be happier because yesterday the congressional budget office released projections on the number of jobs obamacare will cost and the news is horrible. (laughter) jim? >> turns out the cbo now says president's health care law will cut the number of full-time jobs the united states by 2.3 million by 2021. >> it's a bombshell has been dropped by the congressional budget office which is the government's own bean counters. >> this was really kind of a surprise and a fresh below to the president's health care law.
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>> this is a job killer. >> i told you. (laughter) oh, nobody believed me when i said obamacare was a job killer. and now it is. it's only a matter of time before they roll out the death panels and elder catapults. i broke that story. but those supplies, obama unleashed his economic nerd patrol to explain away the numbers. >> in fact, what cbo found, and this is their summary quote near the top of appendix c, again, so the estimated reduction, this is the reduction in the tota total-- labor, all of you have talked about, so the estimated reduction stems almost entirely from a net decline in the amount of labor that workers choose to supply rather than from a net drop in businesses demand for labor. lav laugh (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: right, tv. okay. back in the game, okay. where was i. okay, sure, sure, what professional said is technically true. obamacare gives people health care options allowing them to work less if they choose. but what looks better on a bumper stick, obamacare job killer vote gop or obamacare's estimated reduction in the workforce stems almost entirely from a net decline in the amount of labor that workers choose to supply rather than from a net drop in businesses demand for labor, vote democrat. besides, besides, people
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should be chained their their need for insurance to jobs they hate. that is what built this country. you think anyone wanted to be a pilgrim? no! but they stuck it out for the buckle insurance. (laughter) even then, even then it was a pretty high buckle deductible. -- deductible. (laughter) buckle deductible. (laughter) in other news, folks, it's no secret that america's wealthy are under seechblingt it's like the french revolution these days. but our poor people are too lazy to put on uplifting musicals. but they've got plenty of energy to demonize my friend venture capitalist tom perkins. he is suddenly public enemy number one just because he had the courage to speak truth to poverty. >> there is outrage today over comments made by venture capitalist tom perkins in a letter to the editor of "the wall street journal" he wrote quoting
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now writing from the ep center of progressive thought, san francisco, i would call attention to the parallels of fascist nazi germany to its war on its 1%, namely its jews to the progressive war on the american 1% namely the rich. >> stephen: well said, toming well said. there is no better way to fight big ol-- bigotry to-- now some say mr. perkins here is out of touch. but i think he is spot on with his nazi analogy. because you know who else called their enemies nazis, the jews. it looks like an anti-sell identify now. -- santa semite now, it's still me. got to work on that. got to work on that. all right. >> well, despite near universal condemnation tom perkins somehow found the courage to go on a network owned by a billionaire to make his case to the nonbillionaires. >> you are a
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multimillionaire. >> no, i'm not a billion -- >> i said multimillionaire. >> i created some billionaires but i unfortunate leigh am not one. i can buy a six pack-of-rolexes, but so what. >> so what, he's just a regular nonbillionaire joe six pack of rolexes. but somehow this appearance failed to win over the 99% thanks so president obamalib and the progressivecrat demagoguing by income inequality, the pope attack the so-called idol tree of money and hollywood vilifying the-- villifying the wealthiest 1% of dragons. i mean come on, come on, the deslation of smaug? how about the appreciation of smaug. don't get mad at him just because he was smart enough to put everything in gold. i mean no wonder we wealthy feel our enemies closing in. as one anonymous 1%er told "politico" the rich fear
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they're in deep, deep trouble. you have a bunch of people who see conspiracies everywhere. yes, because conspiracies are everywhere. tell me this, if there is no plot against the rich people, how come someone is keeping a list of the richest people? (laughter) okay? think about it. oh, oh, and the rich won't be safe at home. i mean there are millions of poor people out there. just look at the security camera footage outside my gated community. don't, don't, don't let one of them bite you. that's how you become poor too. do what i do, to hold them at bay i always carry a photo of me an bono. so when the poor come for me i can prove i know a guy without does africa stuff. the point is, this is class warfare plain and simp el, and that should not happen in america because we are a country without class distinction. here to agree with me is real estate developer, owner
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of the "new york daily news", an fellow american, mort zuckerman, thanks so much for coming out. good to see you again. mort -- (applause) >> stephen: now mort, i haven't-- seen you at the club lately to talk about this. but you do all right. do you believe our fellow wealthy are truly worried about all this demagogue ree. >> i think some of them are. i actually think the issue is not really the wealthy, the issue is the fact that we have a huge number of people who are unemployeddor underemployed, it's not a question of just inequality, a question of no jobs. >> stephen: so even the people without do things like calling for a higher minimum wage are calling for higher tacks on the wealthy, a redirection of wealth, those people are trying to whip up poor people who don't know what to do and they're chootsing guys like you and me as easy targets? >> well, i mean, i certainly think you are an easy target. >> stephen: well, i don't
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have your security team. >> into, i think look, i happen to believe in progressive taxation. i don't have difficulty with that. i hope to believe in a fair wage but i do think when you have as we do have today 40 million people in this country who are either part-time works or have no jobs and have given up looking for work, we haven't seen that in not since the 1930s. that is the real problem in this country. >> stephen: you wrote that anonymous quote, that some rich people are getting worried that they're being made scape goats, do you feel that it's fair. because i don't think it's fair for us to be targeted just because we've done well. >> listen,. >> stephen: i don't find that funny. (laughter) >> let me put it this way. there has always been a certain sort of-- as the french would say of the-- . >> stephen: i'm not sure if we can say that on television. >> what is that. >> there has always been a
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certain hostility in this country to the wealthy. it has been with us for a 100 years and it's understandable. but it's always been a part of this country that if you have energy and talent you can pov up the income ladder or wealth ladder up to your own abilities and that's been a part waf makes this country great. >> stephen: us used to support obama are you still on board. >> no, i stopped being a supporter of his because i thought his policies did not do exactly what i was talking about to create enough jobs and stimulate the economy. i thought he had a very weak recovery program from what was a recession that we were in. and that, when i saw that, and i was up close to him, that he was more focused on the politics of issue than on the substance of the issue, i thought this guy is not serious about what i think is the most serious problem in the country. which is a lack of jobs for enough people. >> stephen: what do you think of my friend tom perkins analogy that rich people are in danger of being treated like the jews in nazi germany, do you think that is a fair comparison. >> i think it an outrageous
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compareson. >> stephen: i agree with you because the peasants rising up against the urban elite is really more like the khmer rouge, isn't it? >> what i'm worried about is villifying of the rich. the pope up sets me, you know, that he said, you know there is the idolatry of money. and is he upsetting you enough to leave the catholic church? are you thinking of leaving. >> such a good question but i would like to talk to my rabbi before i get back to you on that. >> stephen: please. (applause) thank you, mort, mort zuckerman, everybody. we'll be right back. hello, america. the folks at wonderful pistachios have asked me to help sell their product. but, come on. they're wonderful. i'm wonderful. they'll sell themselves.
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i think we're done. yeah. you were good. in the last thirty seconds due to a lack of "branding." well, let's take care of that. pistachio! pistachio! wait for it... pistachio!
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on expedia you can book any flight, car and hotel together to save even more. plus, get an extra $100 when you build your custom trip. expedia, find yours.
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welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight, a little of bluegrass. and gregorian, please welcome:. >> thank you so much. thanks so much for coming on. rachel, brigitte, mike and mike or is it one michael and one mike or both mike. >> i would say michael sometimes.
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mcduck. >> stephen: all right. >> i will go mike nordic, mike italian. all right, okay, you are lake street dive. you guys eck employed-- eck ploded this career with a youtube video, everybody watched. you did a great cover i want you back by the jackson 5. are you also what is the fox say guys. >> unfortunately, not. >> no, okay. >> didn't receive that. >> stephen: okay. got a couple of questions here, to cut. first television appearance, tonight. >> very first. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: are you guys ready for the bump. >> yes. >> stephen: ready for the colbert bump. >> yes. >> stephen: where did you meet? >> in college at the new england conserve tore of music in boston. >> stephen: what is a conserve tore? is that the place where colonel's mustard kills you with a candlestick, what is that.
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>> it's a place where, conserve tore of muss sick where you study music and you don't generally study other subjects. you study just music. >> stephen: okay, all right. >> very focused. >> stephen: so is this classical musical training. >> we study jazz. >> stephen: then why i do like your music? >> well, we took other influences and put them into the music that we make. >> stephen: okay, all right. this, the album is called bad self-portrait. and what does that name mean, is it the mashup of bob dylan self-portrait and michael jackson's bad? what does that mean, bad self-portrait because you all are very attractive young people. why would you have a bad self self-portrait. >> well, i think bad self-portraits are something that you see around a lot right now. it's kind of like the stupi stupiddest --. >> stephen: like instagram, people selfies and send them around. >> yeah, they're everywhere
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and they're awful. >> stephen: right. >> we made an album out of that. >> stephen: you insulted a large amount of our audience right now that is very courageous us of you if you studied jazz what did you think you would be playing, you know, what did you imagine would happen with your careers. >> we all thought we were going to be jazz musicians originally. >> stephen: so you were going tore the big money. >> exactly, yeah. >> stephen: but we on our first tour actually very first time we ran a tour together we road around and made a play list of music we could listen to together while you know on those long stretches between cities and you know paul simon came up a lot, the beatles came up a lot, bob dylan came up a lot, so we were like let's do that instead maybe. >> stephen: that's nice. now you have been singing since you were just a kid, i have seen videos on youtube of when you were 12. >> that's right. >> stephen: singing with the choir. >> yeah. >> stephen: did you think you would be singing religious music throughout your life? >> well, i, no, no, probably not. >> stephen: that was a very uncomfortable answer is
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there a disappointed preacher somewhere in your past. >> no, there's not. my parents are very proud and happy. >> stephen: okay, good. >> yeah. >> stephen: did i strike a nerve? no? okay. mike, i read someplace that you said that if you could go back in time,you would play this album to your younger self-self, why? >> because back ten years ago we weren't doing anything like this and if we could jump forward to this ten years ago, then we would be a much different band then we were today. >> stephen: i just want to get this straight. so i just want, just so i'm clear, just so i'm clear. if you could go back in time you would play this to yourself, you wouldn't go kill hitler. this is your first choice? (laughter) >> stephen: okay. >> could i,. >> stephen: could you please do a song.
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>> yes. >> stephen: all right. we'll be right back with lake street jive. hey, i notice your car yeah. it's in the shop. it's going to cost me an arm and a leg. you shoulda taken it to midas. they tell you what stuff needs fixing, and what stuff can wait. high-five! arg! brakes, tires, oil, everything. (whistling) on its under 550 calories menu i was like, "what the what?!" then when i ordered it and actually tasted it i was like, "whaaattt?!" so yeah, i really liked applebee's under 550 calorie roma pepper steak. just another reason to see you tomorrow. [ puppy barking ]
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♪ ♪ [ dog whimpers, horse neighs ] ♪ well you only need the light when it's burning low ♪ ♪ only miss the sun when it starts to snow ♪ ♪ only know you love her when you let her go ♪ ♪ ♪ only know you've been high when you're feeling low ♪ ♪ only hate the road when you're missing home ♪ ♪ only know you love her when you let her go ♪ ♪ [ barks ] ♪ and you let her go [ barks ] ♪ [ brakes screech ] ♪ and you let her go [ horse whinnies ] ♪ ♪ will you let her go? [ barking ] [ horse whinnies ] ♪
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week 3. we're back at kfc. we couldn't get enough. we were here yesterday. i had the pot pie. and i had the famous bowl. which, i almost wanted to get the pot pie again, but we're branching out, i'm trying new things. check it out, 6 original recipe bites. one of kfc's $3.99 combos. wedges, drink. it actually looks like chicken inside, because it's actually chicken. it's white meat. ha ha ha ha! crispy. yup, that's it. juicy. nailed it. do it. 4 combos, under 4 dollars. and we'll probably be back again tomorrow. ♪
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and we'll probably be back again tomorrow. as a i'm still not going toall the pmake it to mars,o visit. but thanks to hotwire's incredibly low travel prices, i can afford to cross more things off my list. this year alone, we went to the top of the statue of liberty... and still saved enough to go to texas-- to a real dude ranch! hotwire checks the competition's rates every day... so they can guarantee their low prices. so we got our 4-star hotels for half price. next up, hollywood! ♪ h-o-t-w-i-r-e ♪ book with our app for an additional... $25.00 off your next hotel.
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within here to perform a song off their upcoming album bad self portrait, ladies and gentlemen lake street dive. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ i offered you ♪ i was the glue that to me ♪ ♪ i just gave you the only one i see ♪ ♪ but i can't stop at two or three ♪ ♪ and i'm afraid ♪ within i've been so i was
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told i could say ♪ ♪ so we both know that's not right ♪ ♪ i ♪ am afraid ♪ i ♪ am to sober not to know ♪ that may be my problem ♪ if you go down ♪ ♪
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♪ oh your love ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ you go down ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) we'll be right back.
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[ click, beep ] [ computerized voice ] what is technology? [ keyboard keys clacking ] ♪ what can it do? ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ hal ] when i lost my eye sight, i thought my painting days were over. [ computerized voice ] how far can we go? ♪ by using your hands, you can actually control your x-ray. [ all ] hi! [ computerized voice ] technology has the power to unite us. hang on honey, hang on. there he is. can you see him? [ baby crying ] i see him. [ giggling ] papa. [ computerized voice ] it inspires us. technology has taken us places we only dream. [ cheering ] [ man ] now i can do whatever i want. [ computerized voice ] it gives hope to the hopeless. [ nurse ] so your device is on. can you hear me talking? [ crying ]
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[ computerized voice ] and it has given voice to the voiceless. ♪ berry pomegranate mio. do i just squirt a little? or you can squirt a lot. ...really changes your water. it changes everything. [ male announcer ] mio. squirt some.
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>> stephen: that's it forthe report, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on the internet today. that is bill nye the science guy, who is awesome. he is debating creationist and all around denier ken ham. while ken insisted the earth was only 6,000 years old, bill took the position that it isn't


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