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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  February 10, 2014 9:00am-9:31am PST

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>> from comedy central's world husband nrkz in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart -- world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. and happy birthday, maggie. happy birthday. my guest tonight elizabeth banks "the lego movie." which i've already seen four times. [laughter] why know if you saw it on fox sunday there but before the
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seahawks scrimmaged with the -- [cheers and applause] -- team of stoned colorado teenagers -- [laughter] -- fox air another world-class matchup as the most powerful man in the free world sat down with obama to cover topics like loose nukes, middle east peace, trade regulations and the environment. i'm just (bleep) with you. >> libya. your detractors believe you did not tell the world it was a terror attack because your campaign didn't want that out. i have to get to the irs. you are say nothing corruption with the health care. when did you know there were problems with the computers? >> jon: look at that o'reilly dipping wholescale in the full fox scandal of grab bag. though they've been investigated on multiple occasion it's a big show, it's a super bowl preshow
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you have to play the hits. do you think the chili peppersps are going to come out at halftime in the super bowl and not go full nip snl new york city they are going full nipple. >> do you think i'm unfair to you. >> absolutely. of course, you are, bill. >> jon: pass the nachos, mama. >> we just went through an interview in which you asked about health care not working, irs where we wholly corrupt, benghazi, these kinds of things keep on surfacing in part because you and your tv station will promote them. [cheers and applause] >> jon: holy -- that is quite an accusation. that fox news unfairly promotes and in some cases creates scandals -- [laughter] -- for the sole purpose of undermining this president
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although in obama's defense, it is true. [laughter] that is exactly what fox does every day with the exception of the one hour every two weeks where john stossel exposes how homeless people are scamming the system. how does fox news respond to to outrageous yet completely accurate charge. >> our commander in chief does d- what he does best and tried to change the subject. >> picking a fight with fox news. >> he tried to turn night an attack on fox. >> jon: brilliant move. deflect the spotlight from your scandals by doing an interview with fox about them right before the most watched event in the history of television. that obama keeping it on the dl of. [laughter] [ applause ] this isn't the first time that fox has caught yoab hiding his
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scandals by doing the old squirrel look over there. take the obamacare rollout. >> trying to change the subject away from obama obamacare to immigration. >> income inequality. have you chase rabbits. >> news of the deal dominated political talk which means focus has shift add way from obamacare. it's another attempt to distract from the disastrous rollout. >> he is talking about equal rights for gays and lesbians in the workplace. this is distraction, david? >> jon: you know the president doesn't work for fox, snriet he can deviate from your script. it's like equal rights for gay people, that's not your line. [ laughter ] your line is, yes, obamacare is a rear guard assault on the american values that we hold dear. son i and my muslim overlords
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will control the entire -- that's your line. say it. [cheers and applause] of course -- fox -- fox has been all over obama's misdirection juju from the getgo. >> the president found time to make a speech highlighting his stances on drone strikes, an obvious attempt to distraction the american people from what is really important the benghazi coverup. >> he used the speech to distract us from the irs. >> all of a sudden there's a push for higher levels of gun registration. this is just to divert attention away. >> absolutely it's a complete distraction. >> these things are planted by barack obama on purpose, laura, to distract us from what is really going on irs, doj, nsa, benghazi. >> jon: i'm beginning to think that the may be the fox news buddhist mantra. first we light the candles and
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then we begin to pray, irs, doj, nsa, benghazi, irs, doj, benghazi, irs, doj, nsa benghazi. [ laughter ] if there's one thing obama has been trying to squirrel us for his entire term it's got to be the economy. this say desperate political ploy by the white house to distract attention from the failed economic policy. >> today we're addressing the nsa. why aren't we talking about the economy. we have definitive proof that was obama obama. when dough were the -- it was osama bin laden. when do we start talking about the exe again. >> jon: really, even killing bin laden was a part of the master distraction plan. really? you think he went dun there hey,
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look, owe psalma, we -- osama, we boys but have you seen my jobs numbers. sorry, bro i have to take you out. there's only so many portuguese water dogs can i adopt. at long last, president obama, is there nothing you won't do to distract us from the economy? >> another day another so-called major address from president obama. this was at knox college in illinois on the economy hoping to distract attention away from the scandals. >> jon: what the (bleep). i thought you said he was using the scandals to distract us from the economy and now he's using the economy to distract us from the scandals oh, goddamn it. hold on. what is going on here? i'm just going to get out my book of mathematics -- [laughter] -- holy (bleep) by the
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transactive properties of distraction we find ourselves dangerously close to be caughting in a hawking distraction loop from which we can never divert our attention long enough to figure out -- squirrel -- what is happening. wait a minute. what is fox trying to accomplish here? [laughter] >> they've allowed an endless parade of political posturing and scandals to distract from growing our economy and strengthening the middle class. >> jon: oh, no it's begun the distraction loop. but i had an irs hearing scheduled for -- noooooo. [cheers and applause] wait, hold on. [ applause ] unless, of course, fox news is attempting to distract from notice that rather being a news organization they are a spite driven anger machine rooted in
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because the country of china has taken another great leap forward. this time into space. [ laughter ] >> china has become just the third country to take a soft landing on the moon, beijing's newest spacecraft land there'd today. it carried a six wheel lunar rover equipped with four camera and two mechanical laids to dig soil samples. it's called the jade rabbit. >> jon: that's nice, chance good for you. america's apollo lunar rover dates back to 1971 but good for you. 43 years ago meaning normally this is where i would say something like -- i don't know -- suck it china! but i shall refrain. mainly because we wrote it in moon dust 43 years ago. boom! i dropped a bomb on you! i'll even restrain myself from
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pointing out that the jade rabbit china's source of national prize shares the name of a exotic machine that is ribbed for extra pleasure. that jade rabbit can also send you to the moon. [laughter] and from the looks of it make a very delightful and fluffy so souffle,. we wish china's jade rabbit all the best, long may it rove. >> the lunar explorer known as jade rabbit broke down while studying the moon's crust. the rover could not deal with the lunar environment. >> jon: i knew they should have sent the dildo. i screwed that all up because i was so excited to get to the world dildo. [ laughter ] all the s and sh sounds on the way were like banana peels.
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i'm coming dildo, here i come. woo! i'm no moon expert -- [laughter] -- but i'm pretty sure being able to deal with the lunar environment is is what you would consider a core competency for a lunar rover d. jade rabbit just (bleep) its way through the job interview. mr. rabbit i see a lot of good stuff on the resume. the wheel there's, and what do you call it that grabs the rocks? we'll need that. excellent. how comfortable with the lunar environment? lunar environment, i mean, i'm not a liewn -- lunatic but i'm willing to learn. [laughter] obviously it's a setback for china's government and its people. how are they coping? >> people in china are using the
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#hangintherejaderabbit. >> jon: hang in there jade rabbit. you know it's a go kart, right? you twabt give somebody a pep talk there's an apple factory two blocks down. how is the jade rabbit supposed to respond to this? >> jade rabbit post read "oops, i might have broken down my masses are trying to figure out ways to save me but i might not make it through this moon night." [laughter] >> jon: hang in there, jade rabbit. i got moon dust in the eyes. china may not have run the race for space but they won the race for most leer call and poetic robot i've ever heard. all we get when american computers fail is like a public domain song from the 1800's.
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♪ you call that moving? you might as well just break out alexander's ragtime band. look, i really am (bleep) old, aren't i? i felt the entire audience go is that gravity, what movie is that? i cannot stress this enough, these are the actual words from china's media on behalf of jade rabbit. and they are the notebook level heart-rending. let's go out to the moon right now. perhaps we can just hear a little bit more of his real actual beautiful last words. >> hello, everyone. my master found i have a mechanical control abnormality, some of my body parts will not obey their commands. >> jon: goddamn it jade, don't
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you quit on me. don't you quit on me jade rabbit. don't you do it jade rabbit. >> the sun has fallen and the temperature is dropping so quickly. [ laughter ] to tell you all a secret, i don't feel that sad. i was just in my own adventure story and like every hero, i am am -- encountered a small problem. good night, earth. good night. good night, humanity. [ laughter ] >> jon: good night, moon. ♪ daisy, daisy give me awr -- >> jon: good night, moon. ♪ daisy, daisy give me awr -- answer --
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[poof!] [beep] [clicks mouse] nice office. how you doing? good.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight she's got a new film it's called "the lego movie." >> will you please tell me what is happen something in. >> i'm rescuing you, sir. you are the one of prophecy spoke of. you are the special. >> me? >> you found the piece of resistance and the prophecy states that you are the most important, most talented, most
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interesting and most extraordinary person in the universe. that's you, right? >> yes, that's me. >> great, you drive. >> what? >> please welcome back to the program elizabeth banks. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's a lot of heel. >> these are the dumbest shoes. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's hard to walk in. >> i walk around in these puppies. you can't even see them. his to put them up. why am i wasting my time walking out in these. you better watch it. >> jon: in general, what is -- both of those things are working together. [ laughter ] what is the time limit you can get around walking --? >> i could barely make it down the hall. i'm like a mom now.
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look at these stupid things. >> jon: this is what my mom used to wear around the house all the time. >> i do housework in these jon. what? >> jon: if your mom maybe worked at moulin rouge. >> my cute loubies. >> jon: looks awfully uncomfortable. >> i did it for you. >> jon: is that true? the fact that a woman would make herself terribly uncomfortable for me. it's never happened before. >> i know. >> jon: you disappear into this character. >> thank you for that it was a real transformation. >> jon: i saw her and and i knew it was but. >> then you forgot. >> jon: people say oh, it's the wig. >> no. it's that i dive deep. i dive deep. >> jon: what you brought to -- what is the character's name? >> wild style. >> jon: wild style, she is --
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what is she? [laughter] >> well, you know in the movie she's dating batman. >> jon: what? >> it's her boyfriend, batman. she's a narcissistic jerk, this guy, right? >> jon: batman? >> he has issues. i don't know if you know. he's an orphan. a real dark guy. really dark in his heart. that's the thing about him. he's really the dark knight or so i've heard. [laughter] >> jon: if you are a crime fighter and stand for you'll that is good in the world. >> sure. >> jon: why pick a bat? why transform into a vampire. why not pick somebody everybody loves, a beaver? >> i know a lot of guys that love beavers. >> jon: that is true. why i tell you why i was thinking of that. >> i don't know why you were thinking that, jon.
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>> jon: here is what is going to upset you when i was thinking of that animal. my kid is in third grade. >> your child made you think of a beaver? >> jon: they did a home with museum prongt leni lenape indians and you turned it into a vagina reference for beaver. >> you said vagina. i didn't say vagina. what are you talking about? i had no idea. >> jon: you said with it a knowing nod. >> you said that the native americans ate the beavers? is that what you are telling me. i didn't know this either. >> jon: again, you've done it again. >> what? >> jon: this should never happen. can i say something this would never happen if she was espadrilles, never. that is a ashoe with a reasonable reference.
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that made me question you. >> jon: do people wear those? >> of course. it's a summer shoe. >> jon: it's a comfortable shoe like a sneaker. >> no, it's not a sneaker. >> jon: it's not a clog. >> it's not this, let me tell you. let me tell what you it's not, not this. >> jon: it's not this. do you remember something called the earth shoe. it was the opposite of this. the heel was supposed to be lower than the -- >> you walked like this? >> jon: yes because somehow it's how cavemen walked. something. they came out with this. it was in the 70s. it was supposed to be good for your feet and soul. there was a lot in the 70s that was supposed to be good for you. how about the shoes where your toes are -- it's like a glove for your foot. >> jon: foot glove. it's called foot glove. >> i see everybody walking down the streets in those. >> jon: people in new york
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don't walk in a foot glove, trust me. [ laughter ] unless they have some sort of polyurethane urine protection. lego movie in theaters on friday. i'm looking forward to it. >> thank you. >> jon: elizabeth banks, everybody. [cheers and applause] ♪ oh. let's go. from the crack, off the backboard. [ laughs ] dad! [ laughs ] whoo! oh! you're up! oh! oh! so close! now where were we? ok, this one's good for two. score! [ male announcer ] share what you love with who you love. kellogg's frosted flakes. they're gr-r-eat!
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[ male announcer ] may your lights always be green. [ tires screech ] ♪ [ beeping ] ♪ may you never be stuck behind a stinky truck. [ beeping ] ♪ may things always go your way. but it's good to be prepared... just in case they don't. toyota. let's go places, safely. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. ♪ there's a silver lining in the
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sky ♪ ♪ cheerio chin chin, napoo, captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!

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