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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  February 11, 2014 7:30pm-8:01pm PST

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news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: whoa. welcome to "the daily show". i'm jon stewart. i have a good one for you tonight. my guest tonight we have your ty burrell. ty burrell son the program best known for modern family but did you know he also plays a time traveling dog? guy has range. the big news the sochi climb bick games began this weekend with the pomp pageantry and nostalgia for dehumanizing industrialization ending with the russian champions running the 1,000 meter olympic torch lighting -- [laughter] and they are -- they are running to light the torch and then it
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just gets further and further and -- they are running to the -- [laughter] the height is going to go out. -- light is going to go out. a note to affiliates we'll go long on account of the running we'll check back in later. team usa one the first gold in the event of bustage when the american scored in the one meter door hole today create because he couldn't get out of poorly constructed bathroom. they made the bathroom and he couldn't get out of it. it was a huge upset though. gold was expected to go to the kool aid man. kool aid man has to settle tour silver. many storeives sochi's uncomplete and unsafe facility news about is my favorite. >> my hotel has no water. if restored the front desk says do not use on your face because
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it contains something very dangerous. [ laughter ] >> jon: and if it's all the same to you, we'd rather not tell you what that very dangerous substance is. who doesn't list -- who says it's got dangerous things and doesn't say what is in there? dangerous like ex-lax or acid? never seen this before it's water with a double black diamond rating. that is never -- experts only. why think anyone is sticking their face in that cloudy amber liquid. you know what that stuff lks like. >> tap water the color of beer. [ laughter ] >> jon: okay. [ laughter ] sure, beer. that's what it looks like. and not what beer becomes. [ laughter ] russian officials though were
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quick to defend their toxic tap piss. >> russia is not taking the criticism well claiming its olympic image is being deliberately attacked by journalists. we have surveillance video from the hotels that shows people turn on the shower, direct the nozzle at the wall and leave the room for the whole day. [ laughter ] >> jon: two quick things: one that doesn't really address the curious and apparently dangerousness of the yellowness of the water and whur mounting a defense of the olympic part, i would leave out the part where you say you have cameras in everyone's bathroom. [ laughter ] listen i -- they are lying. everyone is lying because i tell you this -- they are lying i know that their rooms are nice because i'm under the bed when you are sleeping. [ laughter ] but of course, while the conditions in sochi are quite controversial apparently moscow
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is beautiful this time of year or so jason jones found out in the "the daily show"'s exclusive olympic coverage jason jones live from sochi-ish. ♪ >> forget the media circus in sochi, if you really want to understand russia you have to come to moscow, so i did. and the lingering effects of communism were everywhere right down to the endless lines for basic necessities bhasm are we waiting for, guys bread, toilet paper? >> shake shack. >> what the (bleep). you have a shake shack here? it turns out it looks a lot like america with a (bleep) he will if a bet. i spoke with a prominent member of the russian duma who served in the straigs of gorbachev, yeltsin and putin and the
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grandson to the right hand hand of stalin. usually america thinks of rush shaz wild, underdeveloped, undemocratic, imperial -- evil. >> m-hmm and those stereotypes are wrong because? >> russia is not vicious, not wild, not imperial or dictatorial. so you are wrong. >> but average russians would know i was right. who is good guy? who is the bad guy? >> bad guy, bad russian stereotype. >> that's say great russian stereotype. >> these guys should be bad guys but actually this is american (bleep) i think. >> they may have been stair yes types, i think but no one can argue with the greatest president who called the russians an evil empire. >> i never considered myself to
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be evil or part of an evil empire. >> but you sound evil. >> me? >> yes. >> why? >> because bad guys like like this good die gives talk like this. >> bad guys talk like this. >> no bad guys talk like. this bad guys talk like. this are you doing an american accent? >> uh -- >> cojoke all he wanted but he couldn't hide from his evil history. >> a good guy would probably defeat the nazis. >> which we did. >> and you know, what was the casualty list of americans in world war ii? >> a lot less than russians because we're better fighters. >> 90% of russians were -- germans were deceit feithed by the soviet union. >> you stole technology from us. >> you stoil from us also waging a war p in vietnam that's not what the good guys were doing. >> what about attacking
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afghanistan? >> that was a bad idea, absolutely. >> terrible. >> you attacked afghanistan. >> you attacked afghanistan. >> but you also attacked afghanistan. >> but did you it first. >> but you prevented us from doing the job. who created al qaeda? >> you did. >> us? >> al qaeda was exactly the creation of american special services. >> with freedom fighters need to exist if russia didn't attack them nearby? >> who grow created the freedom fighting movement you really created franken styne, the monster. >> as i argued with him i realized how much i missed our old enemy, a world on the brink ducking and covering because red square was filled with an overwhelming display of unnecessary military might. now it just has a (bleep) ice skating rink. used to hang people in this square now there's an ice rink. i don't get it. they helped us keep the world in check. now we have to deal with these (bleep) and they don't know
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how to play hockey. comrade, you have to miss the old days. >> i don't miss the cold war. >> it was so good! >> we were like hooligans in a bar. >> with nuclear weapons. >> riewsh shan russian roulette is not my game. >> you changed, man. i don't like this new you. >> well, i like myself. >> if only ronald reagan hadn't ended the cold war by tearing down that -- >> actually gorbachev was the one who unilaterally ended the cold war. >> for (bleep) sake fine if it was gorbachev we'll talk to him. >> who asked for this meeting was it you or the colleague? >> it was me, i twoond see him. >> if you bring cameras in here again, i will put you against the wall. [ laughter ] >> you are going to put me against the wall?
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>> yes. >> after mr. gorbachev was done threatening me i finally got to ask my question. mr. gorbachev can you put back that wall? >> the wall came down and it's a great thing it happened and we need to keep going along the path we chose. >> so i'm taking that as a no. >> okay, i've had enough of this. let's wrap it up. >> sadly the cold war is over but there's one place where you can relive the glorious past, stalin's bunker complex 18 stories below ground where they reenact the nuclear annihilation of america. it's armageddon every 15 minutes. whoo. >> america, and if you have any questions? >> i have a question, you don't miss being that kick ass superpower, us cowering under
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our desks. >> why desks? >> because it was like hiding from the ruskies who were going to bomb us. >> bomb come, you die. >> when you put it that way, yeah, it was a stupid plan. one i couldn't wait to get back to. >> duck and cover. >> j ♪ ♪ break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers.
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>> welcome back. football season is over. with football season is over. it's time for america to shift the focus to its second favorite sport, waiting for football season to start again. we learned next year may come with an exciting twist. >> michael sam has revealed he is guy. the 24-year-old expected to be taken early round of the nfl draft come april is poised to become profootball's first openly gay player. >> we could have the first openly gay professional player. there hasn't been a civil rights movement so significant since the nfl welcomed the first openly bad player. it's amazing to me. [laughter] who is this gay football player, probably a kicker, huh? am i right a kicker. you know he's a gay kicker, not like a real player. >> at six two 260 pounds university of missouri defensive lineman michael sam used skill
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and strength to lead the sec in sacks last year. >> he was the defensive player of the year the best defensive player in the best conference in college football. [ laughter ] >> jon: it's as though sexual orientation has nothing to do with physical strength. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] good for him for coming out in a sport not exactly known for its acceptance of gay people and college teammates deserve credit as well. >> sam a projected mid round nfl pick who played in college for missouri told his coach and teammates about his sexual orientation in august. >> i was kind of scared even though they already knew i was still scared to tell them to. see the reaction was awesome and they supported me from day one. >> jon: sam told his teammates last august he was gay and everybody kept it respectfully
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private which means college has changed a lot since i was -- [laughter] -- in college. [laughter] >> the university of missouri tweet the support for him saying we support tigers of all stripes at missuo, proud of you mike. >> jon: despite what might the heartland reputation they'll welcome anyone no matter how different if you are really good at football. i used to think gayness was a sin against god. i used to think gayness was a sin but i saw the kid play and i'm thinking i should (bleep) people because i'm not that good at football. michael sam might find a less warm welcome from at least some players. >> the linebacker talked about the pros section of a gay teammate. >> imagine fess the guy next to me and i get dressed naked, taking a shower the whole nine and he looks at me. how am i supposed to respond.
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>> jon: what? you know, it's so weird how some guys just assume that they are so irresistible to gay guys. how could he not be attracted to me. i guess i'm saying i'm the total package. i'm ripped. my as is as tight as two snare drums. i couldn't resist. it's all can i do to stop from (bleep) right here look at myself. i'm unbelievable. i'm a beautiful, beautiful man. [laughter] of course, assuming michael sam even gets an on nfl team. >> sports illustrated did an article where they talked to personnel directors and there are managers who say the draft prospects will draft because of -- will drop the because of revelations the teams don't want the controversy shah will surround this. >> jon: please, no proteam
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wants the controversy having a gay player is going to cause. if he was just convicted of d, i, vehicular manslaughter or obstruction of justice in connection of a murder or screamed the n word at a concert or killed a bunch of dogs or buried them in his (bleep) yard, you know -- [ male announcer ] when i heard applebee's had a big juicy steak on its under 550 calories menu i was like, "what the what?!" then when i ordered it and actually tasted it i was like, "whaaattt?!" so yeah, i really liked applebee's under 550 calorie roma pepper steak. just another reason to see you tomorrow. applebee's under 550 calorie roma pepper steak. (voseeker of the you can separate runway ridiculousness... from fashion that flies off the shelves. and from national. because only national lets you choose any car in the aisle... and go. and only national is ranked highest in car rental customer satisfaction by j.d. power. (natalie) ooooh, i like your style.
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight stars on abc's modern family his new movie is called mr. peabody and sherman. >> peabody that was amazing. wasn't that amazing? >> i'm more into rock 'n' roll. ♪ i meant florida -- flamenco. ♪ bagpipes ♪ this is great but a complete waist of time. let's get penny and go -- >> are you all right? >> jon: please welcome ty burrell. hello, sir. [cheers and applause] >> good. >> jon: nice to see you. thank you for being here. >> thank you. i have to say that -- the male
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in that clip was one stephen colbert. >> jon: what? >> yes and has there ever been a character in animated history who has looked more like the actual person ever. he should have just been called mr. colbert. >> jon: he should have been called that. i would think he is an an maters dream. >> yes, because they film you. >> jon: what was it like to work with stephen colbert. >> we got to close. just the time between scenes and going out to dinners i've never met stephen colbert. >> jon: what? >> i have still never met stephen colbert jnch that's not true. >> it's 100% true. i've seen him in passing but i'm really hoping to meet him at the premiere. no eye contact jo. >> i don't think the security will let that -- he has a big team fruity and big fruity? >> he has fruity and big fruity?
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thank that's how they tell them aapartment. eddie murphy had a security team and two gigantic guys at a premiere once he said this is fruity and big fruity. >> big fruity is bigger. >> jon: and not much. i'm a peabody and sherman aficionado. >> you are. >> jon: as a young man i would watch peabody and sherman and always thought it had possibilities for a future in film. [laughter] it's that old hollywood screenplay genius dog adopts a boy and builds him a time machine and teach him history. see it again. >> jon: i always said to myself commander mcbragg, no that's not a film. short termen and peabody it's a film. it's very good. it's smart. you see some of these animated films you go with your kids and
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you can't wait to get the hell out of there. this one very smart, very funny. >> thank you. i genuinely agree. the guy who created the original said the way to do that is to write them to amuse yourself which he did. i thought the originals were so great. >> they were great. >> i think they did a nice job of doing the same thing. >> jon: let me ask you this: this confounded me when i was reading you about you. you were from where you grew up in oregon? >> oregon. >> jon: you are a mets fan. as are you. >> jon: i'm a huge mets fan but i'm cursed by birth. >> i know. >> jon: my father was from brooklyn and when the dodgers left. >> he was like guess what you are going to be? >> jon: right. not that i didn't impart on me dimension why and get outers but that that is the -- goiters but that is the one inheritance. how did you get sucked into that
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abyss? >> i lived in astoria queens for 12 years. yes it exists. >> jon: did you think that was almost too enthusiastic for astoria queens. my wife and i noticed there's no mets hats in queens. it's all yankees. we added two people to the turnout of 1300 per game. about 1302. >> jon: i used to go the last week of the season because you really do have the run of the place. >> you are running around the seats. [laughter] >> jon: it's like that film night at the museum where you go in -- [laughter] at midnight i heard the team come as live. >> you are on the field. >> jon: you can do whatever the hell you want. but you still, even now, you stayed with it. it stayed with you.
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>> yeah, yeah. it's a disease of being an eternal optimist. i think the mets are winning a world series every year. and i'm 0-for many, many of those years. >> jon: they win it every now and again. a disease is a perfect -- >> i terrible thing is -- we were living in queens in like 2002, 2003 -- i haven't experienced. that chavez brought us so close. >> jon: he brought that catch in and i thought and he strikes out and goes to the yankees and helped they win a world series. (bleep). mr. peabody and sherman in the theaters march 7. it's quite good. theaters march 7. it's quite good. ty burrell,
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what is focus? it's a wondrous sensation of clarity and alertness... it's owning your opponent... it's knowing beyond a doubt "you got this"... it's keeping your head down, your eye on the ball, and knocking it out of the park... it's getting in the zone... it's keeping on your toes... on target... on top... focus is staring the world in the face and saying "bring it"... focus is power... focus is life... and 5-hour energy is focus. [richard] after the laptops are closed and refunds have been paid, there's still a billion unclaimed tax dollars.
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get your billion back america. ♪ i got no beef with repetition ♪ ♪ i'm gonna see it through and through ♪ ♪ i got no beef with repetition ♪ ♪ i feel the same way as you do ♪ ♪ i feel the same way as you do ♪ ♪ i feel the same way as you do ♪
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment zen. ♪ >> she's up all night till the sun. i'm up all night to get some. she's up all
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- i'm not here to make friends. - i ain't gonna make one friend. - i'm just here to win. i'm not here to make friends. - okay. - no. you're here to make friends. making friends is the name of this show. - ♪ you and me forever - okay, i got to look out for number one. - okay, that's not true. you would lose if you look out for number one. - hey, look, dude, that's your opinion. - does anybody know what we're doing here? - i locked down plans, chicks, guys. you know, i didn't even know this was a competition. just saw a sign for making friends and thought that would be cool. - you see, this would be a good time to make a friend. - i'm jeff, by the way. jeff. - how are you? - oh. - jeff. hey. jeff. how are you? - if anyone will be friends with jeff, they will-- they will win a point. - i'll make an alliance with jeff. - great. - but i will stab him in the back. - that's your prerogative. either way, we had a friendship. - does anyone go for a light lunch with jeff? - chicken salad. - this network will give you 1 million cash dollars.


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