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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  February 24, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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heart stood still ♪ ♪ the do run >> stephen: tonight the winter limb picks in sochi have ended, although with nbc's tape delay, they're just beginning. then is it ukraine or the ukraine. i'll get to the the bottom of it. and my guest ledge enary singer darlene love stars in a documentary called 20 feet from stardom, tonight she'll be 16 feet closer. major league baseball he is eliminating home plate collisions. apparently they violate baseball's long-standing ban on action. this is the colbert report
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captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to the report o everybody, good to you haves with. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> welcome to the report, everybody. folks, if you have been watching the news like i v you know there is a big story this weekend. thank you so much, folks. folks, the winter olympics are finally over. they've handed out all the metals and all the whips. and the athletes are now leaving town before vladimir
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putin uses the olympic flame to burn down sochi for the insurance money. unfortunately, my friends on the u.s. speed skating team 2014 has been a rocky road or as they call it, an unzambonied rink. they medaled in only one event and the team is covering their asses by blaming the thing that covered their asses. evidently the team's new suit featured vents on the back of the suit designed to allow heat toes cape but allowed air to enter and create drag. everybody knows clothing always creates drag. which is why to get better mileage i always drive in the nude. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i put a little towel down.
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>> folks, it's not enough that we lost. now the netherlands coach jillert, i'm going go with enema-- , has attacked our speed skating team adding insult to injury and then adding [bleep] to both of those. jim? >> do you think that that was one of the reasons why the americans didn't do well, the suit. >> yeah, the suit was one of the reasons but not because it was bad, but because they believe it is bad. because the skating, you have to believe in yourself like american always do. american always believe that they're right, always believe that they're the best, yeah. that's not true. yeah, and you look at the rest of the world. they can stay inside, in your own country, you can make your own game, like american football, yeah. do it your own, and think you're the best of the world. but no way, when you play soccer, man, you're just not half, when you come every
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four years you come to olympic stadium and you want to fight the rest of the world, then you know your place. zero medals, zero mam, stay in your country, do your own sport. don't compete with the rest of the world. and don't ask the question, why you didn't win medals. because you didn't. >> stephen: actually, in fact, we did have one medal, right here. cheers laws-- (cheers and applause) >> usa, usa, usa! usa! usa! >> kick put that in your dike and plug it you know what i don't really speak a lot of dutch but i learned a little for the occasion. [bleep] you. i certainly hope i'm pronouncing that correctly. who cares what the dutch think about anything. you people can't even decide on a name for your damn
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country. (laughter) which is it, is it holland s the netherlands, the low country, is it belgium's canada? who knows, that is why i just call it what it, hitler's left turn lane. i, i will be amsterdammed if i ever let anything remotely dutch into my life again. no, i'm done with it, i'm done. i'm taking this off. (laughter) no! no more! yes, yes. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yes, they're comfortable and they're stylish and they're practical and available to anyone with two logs and a chisel. but not on my tootsies, not any more. but i will admit, i will admit one thing in your favor, you have, you have given the world some lovely tulips. (laughter)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: and i'll give you one hint where you can put your two lips. now folks i've always said revenge is best served cold on razor sharp blades. you can help our speed skaters fight back against dutch arrogance by making a donation to colbert, in return will you get this blade in the usa t-shirt. it's soft. it's stylish and it's just as aerodynamic as team usa's uniforms. remember, that's blade in the usa, although there is no label on this. so it is possible that this was blade in blangladesh. now nation, unless are you living under a rock you probably heard about the massive uprising in the ukraine. and if you are living under a rock are you probably ousted ukrainian president viktor yanukovych.
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the fooferah all started after yanukovych rejected a deal with the e-- eu in favor of closer ties to russia bringing angry protestors to kiev's independence square. and from there, things in ukraine got u-kray-kray. jim? >> a country in turmoil after a week of deadly protests, ukraine has been the scene of horrible violence. >> the protestors say police had snipers firing at them. and that 100 people have been killed. could russia send troops into ukraine? >> who's in charge. >> viktor yanukovych is nowhere to be found. >> it is no longer clear who is actually in control of that country. >> folks, this sort of instability comes as no surprise to students of geo politics such as myself who have -- >> the ukraine without massive force is a fool'ser and. too many borders just passes back and forth between east and west, until jamie knocks the board over.
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oh, sure t was an accident, jamie, just when i was about to trade in my cards for 24 more armies. oh [bleep] but now, now folks, no one knows where yanukovych is. but protestors raided his presidential compound to find a private golf course, a fleet of classic cars, and a private restaurant shaped like a pirate ship. (laughter) >> it even had a little place mat for the kids where you lead the country's finances into the president's pocket. folks, i got to say, this kind of presidential opulence infuriates me it makes the white house look like a dump. i was just there. all it has is a bowling alley and a stupid organic garden. i wish our state dinners took place in on a pirate ship. then i wouldn't have been the only one who showed up with a parrot. (laughter) if i'm speaking of making america look bad, barak obama, this man does not
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understand what is at stake here. >> it underlines the tension between russia and the united states of late. that some believe harkens back to the cold war. >> the president said that this had nothing to do with the cold war. >> in the eyes of vladimir putin it does. he wants to restore the russian empire. >> sad truth is putin considered by many to be a stronger leader than obama. >> obama is more of a publicist for us weekly than a president. and when you put a community organizer up against an e-kgb, this is what happens. >> stephen: yes, i think i speak for all freedom loving people when i say, why can't we be ruled by an e-kgb officer? (laughter) >> stephen: good point, greg. >> obama is like a publicist for us weekly. even worse, 73% of readers say putin wore it better. i ask you-- is this the man, is this the man we want to lead america in to a new cold war? not looking that hot?
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i just wish ronald reagan were still alive to fix this mess. here to tell me how to reanimate reagan is the editor of foreign affairs magazine, gideon rose. mr. rose, thank you so much for being here. (cheers and applause) there's the magazine, foreign affairs. now, now gideon, help me out here. we've got a battle. the ukraine, some of them want to go into the eu, the european union and some of them want to stay with russia. if ukraine is not in europe right now what continent is it on? >> well, it's part of eurasia but part of eastern europe and the former soviet bloc. it's basically robin to russia's batman. and the challenge here, the challenge here is to try to attract it to the west, to get it to flip sides. >> so the rebels in the streets what are they fighting for. >> they're fighting for a better future. >> stephen: that sounds leak a political speech, what really -- >> countries have to develop over time. and ukraine basically after
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the end of the soviet union faced two tracks, it could stay as a stagnant, corrupt, authoritarian country tied to russia or it could essentially join the west. it commod earnize, liberalize, become a democracy. at the last minute when it looked like it was going to trade up permits, abusive relationship with its boyfriend from the hood to a nice upie-- . >> stephen: you're not loading these choices in anyway whatsoever. >> it's actually truth. when it looked like it would trade up to a better environment, at the last minute putin offered a bribe. >> stephen: how much. >> $15 billion. >> stephen: that's a lot of cash. >> that's a lot of cash. and the president without himself was tied to the old elite and eastern part of the country, decided to back off the change and go-- . >> stephen: do you know how many pirate themed restaurants you can buy with $15 billion. >> the problem was the western parts of the country and the younger parts of the country and more modern liberal parts of the country basically knew that they had no future being russia's vassell so they took to the streets. >> stephen: is america taking sides in this in any
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way? if these people, the rebels winning now, right. >> yes. >> stephen: why isn't obama spiking the ball and calling putin and saying you might have won the medal count but we won the country count, boitch. >> that is a good question. and the answer is we don't want rush-to-to intervene and kick over the table like the game of risk and take ukraine back. >> stephen: cosend in troops. >> co. >> stephen: does ukraine have any troops of their own would. they fight back. >> yes. but we don't want this to escalate or russia to crack down. so we basically want to distract russia. look, you have the highest medal count. oh, did you really well-- (laughter) and talk about the olympics. >> stephen: here say shiny object, be entire country away from you. >> basically. >> stephen: now there is a power vacuum. >> there is a power vacuum. the opposition is all together t is easy to a grow on getting rid of the bad old regime and much harder to cret a stable country in which everybody compromises
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and moves forward. >> stephen: but they need a strong leader to move the country forward, do you know who is always good at a moment like that? vladimir putin. (laughter) do you think he might volunteer to come in and help ukraine. >> the reason-- we don't want put toin get involved in this. so we are basically, we want to try to involve him in the decision so that he allow its ukraine to go. we actually want to not-- we want a nonexclusive relationship with ukraine. you can have a relationship with him too. >> stephen: you're the only one making this into a girlfriend boyfriend relationship. >> ukraine is basically choosing its future between two completely different course of action. we're trying to blur that choice so the old boyfriend doesn't get too up set when it makes the right choice towards us. >> stephen: well, thank you so much, gideon rose. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: gideon rose, foreign affairs magazine.
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>> my guest tonight is air recognize n roll hall of famer who star notice documentary 20 feet to stardom. it's been time somebody made a movie about restraining orders, please welcome darlene love. (cheers and applause) hey, star lean, good to see you, how are you. >> i'm wonderful, how are you. >> stephen: the first time i saw you was the montclair film festival, for this
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movie, 20 feet from stardom. >> i tell you. >> stephen: it's a documentsary, it's oscar nominated. you're one of the stars of it. let's explain it to people here why. you are as i say a rock 'n' roll hall of famer, gained prominent-- prompt flens in 1960s for backup artist for elvis presley, frank sinatra, aretha frank line, the beach boys, sam cook, the rightous brother, cher, war wick the mammas and papas. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now this is all about the lives, all of the lives as backup singers what is the difference between the skills it takes to be a backup singer and to be a lead singer. >> you have to have a good voice and you have to be able to sing first of all. >> stephen: all right, that seems to go for both. >> most lead singers can't sing background and most background singers can't sing leads. you have to learn how to blend and most lead singers can't because they're standing out front, really singing. so they can't blend with us in the background. >> stephen: background singers have to like sort of serve the needs of the song. >> help them out.
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>> stephen: help them out. okay. now did you ever sit back there and go i can sing better than that person? >> a lot. >> stephen: who was your favorite person to sing backup for. >> sam cook. >> stephen: . >> he was so sweet, he was so nice. he just oozed sex. >> stephen: he was a physically attractive man. >> yes. he was fabulous. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> but he was such a great singer. he knew what wanted to do you know. he knew how to come over and excuse my pun but pull stuff out of you. >> stephen: all right. i don't understand the pun but it sounds sexy. now who was the one who said hmmmm, i don't understand what that person is singing. >> my good friend sonny bono. >> stephen: really, nice guy though quite reasons nice guy, i used to tell him all the time when phil specter who was pie record producer would am could, he would say
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i want sony in this. i said phil we're never going to fin think record if i don't move. sony is either singing too loud or on the wrong key but that is the way phil was, he didn't care. a lot of people like that, in our business. >> stephen: phil specter produced a song of yours es he a rebel. your first hit reasons right. >> stephen: and this is a proto typical girl falling for a bad boy because he's kind of bad. >> right. >> stephen: what did you do to american culture watch. did you do to a generation of girls who were looking for bad boys. >> well, you know what, it does help if they kind of bad. it makes it interesting. you never get bored. >> stephen: did you have any bad boys. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> one or two. >> stephen: one or two. >> okay. >> stephen: how much about african-american, soul or blues music did you learn from elvis presley? (laughter) >> i was getting ready to
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answer that before you said elvis presley. >> stephen: i'm sorry, tom jones. >> tas's even worse. >> stephen: darlene, would you please sing front for us, and have somebody else back up for you. >> i would love to. we'll be right back with a performance by darlene love. honestly? i wanted a smartphone that shoots great video. so i got the new nokia lumia icon. it's got 1080p video, three times zoom, and a twenty-megapixel sensor. it's got the brightest display, so i can see what i'm shooting -- even outdoors, and 4 mics that capture incredible sound. plus, it has apps like vine -- and free cloud storage. my new lumia icon is so great, even our wipeouts look amazing.
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the-- ♪ ♪ does the things he never does ♪ ♪ ♪ he's a rebel and he'll never, ever be any good ♪ ♪ he's a rebel ♪ because he never does what he should ♪ ♪ just because he didn't do what everybody else does ♪ ♪ that's no reason why ♪ i can't give you all my love ♪ ♪ he's always good to me ♪ always treats me tenderly ♪ ♪ he's my rebel ♪ to me ♪ don't like him that way ♪ i'll be standing by his
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side. he's a rebel and he'll never be any, any good ♪ ♪ just because he doesn't do what everybody else does ♪ snoets that's no reason why we can't share a love ♪ ♪ he's always good to me, good to him i try to be ♪ ♪ cause he's not rebel oh no, no, no, ♪ ♪ to me ♪ no, he's not a rebel oh no, no ♪ ♪ he's not a rebel no, no, he's not a rebel no, no, ♪ ♪ he's not a rebel oh no, no, no ♪ ♪ he's not a rebel oh no, no, no ♪ ♪ he's not a rebel ♪ no, no, no he's not a rebel oh no, no, no oath oath he's not a rebel oh no, no, no ♪ ♪ he's not a rebel oh no, no, no to me ♪ ♪.
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>> stephen: whooo! darlene love! 20 feet from stardom. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) woooah, what do you got there? berry pomegranate mio. do i just squirt a little?
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. but before we go, before we go, folks, america lost a funny man today with the passing of harold ramis, you probably know him as he gone-- egon from ghostbusters or the guy who is not bill maury from stripes but through the movie he wrote or directed he made your life better and you have been quoting his films and the things he wrote for years, animal house, meatballs, stripes, caddy shack, national lampoon's vacation, groundhog day, and the human centipede. very few people saw that one as the come de he intended. now i'm not a comedian but if i was, as a young bookish man with glasses looking for
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a role model, i might have picked harold ramis. thank you, harold. good night. (cheers and applause) >> no, no, no, oh. >> oh yeah, yeah. >> no, no, no. >> o (cheers and applause) it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, okay, campers rise and shine and it is cold out there today, this happened in america today, courtesy of sb nation, the band madison rising were introduced as america's most patriotic band, well they rocked the daytona 500 with what editors of pick pedia have already designated as the worst rendition of the national anthem in history. >> oh, say, can we see a


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